Lost & Found Innocence

by Agnes Musa

  Chapter 9

  I’m running after life though we started off together, life and me. I’ve been sidelined from the driving seat but am managing to hold on to the edge.

  Need to refocus and reorient.

  What better companion for such activity than nature itself. Yes the garden.

  Also affords me opportunity to utilize David’s efforts in the hardly used designer garden. You too, by looking at my surroundings, appreciate that the man did bring real bread home. It’s peaceful out here.

  Craig: “They told me I could find you in the garden. Beautiful place you’ve here.”

  Me: “Thank you, Its Craig right? Hugh is in the house.”

  Craig: “I’m happy you remember my name. May I call you Lisa?”

  Me: “Sure. Hugh is in the house. Let me fetch him for you.”

  Craig: “Please sit, I’ve seen Hugh. He showed me the way out here. Hugh told me about your trouble. I came to see how you’re doing.”

  Me: “Oh!”

  Craig: “Hugh was talking to his friend when Penelope happened by. She suggested I talk to Hugh. Hugh is worried and scared about what happened.”

  Me: “I will talk to Hugh.”

  Craig: “And you also need someone to talk to. Everyone needs a friend.”

  Me: “I do have friends though I just don’t want to see them right now.”

  Craig: “I can be your friend too, if you let me.”

  Me: “Like I said, I’ve enough friends. Now if there’s nothing else, would you please excuse me?”

  Craig: “There’s something else as a matter of fact but I’ll go. I see I’ve upset you and I’m not happy to leave you angry. You were in much better shape when I came.”

  Me: “Is it something Hugh has done?”

  Craig: “No. Actually, there’s a revival camp for young adults and children next week. It would do Hugh a lot of good to attend. Hugh asked me to talk to you to verify details, which was my other reason for coming here but my approach has not been very good.”

  Me: “What details did you want to check?”

  Craig: “I need to know if your divorce went through?”

  Me: “Lets’ work together here Craig, how exactly is this any business of yours?”

  Craig: “You didn’t tell Penelope whether or not you want Hugh to join our programme. Hugh was with his father for a while and we are made to understand there’s a custody hearing. I’m trying to find out whom to approach on matters concerning Hugh. That’s all.”

  Me: “You certainly keep in the news, just like Ruth.”

  Craig: “I beg your pardon?”

  Me: “The divorce went through but the custody is being renegotiated. Next question.”

  Craig: “I didn’t mean to intrude. All I wanted to know was whether or not Hugh can go on this trip and which of his parents to approach for consent.”

  Me: “So, how does the question of divorce come in?”

  Craig: “Hugh wants to go on the trip. He told me. He’s a minor. We need proper authorization from parents. If you’re still married, any one will do but if the divorce went through, it would be best to deal with the parent with custody rights.”

  Me: "I see"

  Craig: "I hope you will not penalize Hugh on my account. He trusted me to do a better job on his behalf. These are the forms. May I leave them for your perusal?”

  Me: “I will need time to look them over.”

  Craig: “Of course. Hugh should bring the forms with him if he’s allowed to go. You’re welcome to come too Lisa.”

  Me: “Now is not a good time for me. I’ve a house guest.”

  Craig: “The guest can come along. A change might do you good. Fresh air, sunshine, laughing, singing, good company, fellowship.”

  Me: “I see why you’ve been good for Hugh.”

  Craig: “We all have patches in our lives. Opting for inner peace makes dealing with the outer issues easier.”

  Me: “Are there other children going for this camp?”

  Craig: “One, a girl Penelope recently started working with. Maybe you know her. She and Hugh are good friends. As a matter of fact, its Hugh who brought her to Penelope’s notice. Her name is Nazmin.”

  Me: “Nazmin’s parents are letting her go to this camp?”

  Craig: “The father provided food and transport for the duration of the revival. Penelope has been working very closely with Nazmin.”

  Me: “And the parents gave consent for Nazmin to go?”

  Craig: “Yes.”

  Me: “May I borrow a pen? Please show me where to sign to authorize Hugh’s participation.”

  Craig: “You want to read the entire form first.”

  Me: “Why Craig, is there something in there that I should worry about?”

  Craig: “No, it’s the usual indemnity and ..”

  Me: “The pen Craig. Thank you.”

  Craig, Penelope, Hugh, Nazmin and crew go off happily to their camp.

  Joy: “What is happening between you and David?”

  Me: “Nothing I know of. Why do you ask?”

  Joy: “Nothing? Are you sure?”

  Me: “David is my friend.”

  Joy: “A friend who sleeps over?”

  Me: “It’s his house too.”

  Joy: “In your bedroom?”

  Me: “His bedroom too, we are adults.”

  Joy: “Hello?”

  Me: “David is married to Dawn. They have a daughter called Catherine.”

  Joy: “And?”

  Me: “And nothing. I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day. Its not that I don’t try with her Joy. I do. It angers me that I’ve to.

  You should not watch everything you do or say to your mother. If it’s not David its Hugh, if not Hugh it’s me and if it’s not me, it’s my father. ”

  Joy: “We get the same Lisa.”

  Me: “No we don’t. Mother’s affection is determined by level of maternal tithes. The more you donate, the bigger your share of mother’s attention.”

  Joy: “Its not David is it? Anyone I know?”

  Me: “What are you talking about?”

  Joy: “The one who stole from your eyes Lisa.”

  Me: “No one stole anything from me.”

  Joy: “Someone did and they left you vulnerable, confused and empty. Must have hurt you real bad.”

  Me: “He did. I was everything and nothing before the experience. I wish someone had warned me.”

  Joy: “That bad huh?”

  Me: “Hurts bad Joy, even now. Had to kill him in me.”

  Joy: “What happened to your eyes, they have no life anymore?”

  Me: “They don’t see anything. With him, I became newborn, everything before and after ceased to be.”

  Joy: “Yet he left you.”

  Me: “Yes. With him, I was. I became something and, and, maybe nothing. Ceased to think and be. Feeling took over, breathed because of him. I found my heart.”

  Joy: “You must have been very happy.”

  Me: “I knew happiness Joy. Touched it. Tasted it. Was it and, and was with it. Graham was happiness.”

  Joy: “Tell me about him.”

  Me: “When we were together, I became whole. I found the missing in me. In filling myself, I took from him.”

  Joy: “So, what went wrong?”

  Me: “I came at the sunset of his life, with the rainbow already used and displayed in its imperfect hues. He didn’t believe we were the real thing.”

  Joy: “Don’t cry Lisa. What did he do to you?”

  Me: “I was a new brush. He wanted to paint a new rainbow. Graham started to paint, found that there was not enough soul left in him so he took what he could, and ran. I was powerless to stop him”

  Joy: “The heart will heal, the eyes will see again."

  Me: "You think so?"

  Joy: "Natalie told me so, so it must be so. What happened with David?”

  Me: “David found the door to my heart but did
n’t know how to open it.”

  Joy: “Maybe that’s what David is trying to do now.”

  Me: “David found the heart for which he has the correct key. Her name is Dawn. Only he’s now confused.”

  Joy: “Looks like he’s not the only one.”

  Me: “Joy, David found the real deal but is not satisfied. Instead, he thinks there’s a catch somewhere, that’s why he’s coming back to me”.

  Joy: “And you, my dear, are encouraging him. I hear there was Jacob also.”

  Me: “Trust Natalie to tell you everything.”

  Joy: “Natalie is worried about you. Frankly, we all are.”

  Me: “I know, but Jacob never counted.”

  Joy: “What about Ryan?”

  Me: “Ryan was a passerby.”

  Joy: “I see. So, you said his name was Graham? The same Graham as Hope’s?”

  Me: “Kimberley’s father, yes.”

  Joy: “How did he manage what David couldn’t?”

  Me: “I don’t know. When David left, I was devastated. That’s how Graham found me.”

  Joy: “He could have been a rebound.”

  Me: “No. Graham put in the hours. He rolled his sleeves and went to work. He worked long and hard.”

  Joy: “That explains something.”

  Me: “Listen Joy, you know I never dated or went out much with guys…”

  Joy: “That is why none of what I’m hearing makes sense.”

  Me: “But Graham nurtured, pruned, mended and tended. I saw all this work, leant to trust, hope and smile again.”

  Joy: “Why did you break up then?”

  Me: “I thought he didn’t want me, not for keeps.”

  Joy: “From what I hear, he was married, through all this and the children were there.”

  Me: “Yes. I knew.”

  Joy: “You knew, how?”

  Me: “Graham took me to his wife and children. Said he was going to get a divorce and custody of the children.”

  Joy: “And you were okay with this?”

  Me: “No. And I told Graham as much. He left.”

  Joy: “I see.”

  Me: “At the worst of it, I would alternate between praying to God and cursing Graham.”

  Joy: “Why were you cursing God, what did He do?”

  Me: “God would not let me have Graham.”

  Joy: “Or you did not really want Graham Lisa. Maybe it was all in your eyes Lisa, maybe it was not really in your heart, so God saw other things.”

  Me: “There were no other things.”

  Joy: “There was Hugh, Graham’s wife and children. There were other women, …Hope. Then there was David, Jacob and Ryan.”

  Me: “I wanted Graham to have everything”

  Joy: “What did Graham want you to have?”

  Me: “I don’t know Joy. It would have been better if I had never known him.”

  Joy: “Graham must be special”.

  Me: “Graham broke my heart.”

  Joy: “Did he Lisa? Did he really?”

  Joy and I go to see Natalie in hospital. She cannot talk much these days. It makes her tired. Instead, she writes notes to me.

  Nothing bad goes away, it comes back agin and agin until you do something about it.

  Instead of selebrating the healthy and wonderful years you’ve been privillaged to have, you wory about what may or may not hapen.

  I listen to my body like you listen to your heart.

  We are now like machines, making whole sektions check in.

  Are we not forgeting the most impotent thing of all, lyfe itself?

  Don’t let your small fears crowd in the wee hours, or else your maopia grows by leaps and boundz.

  Know where reality starts and imagination stops.

  Lyfe has been kind to us. Thank you for being my little sister. Smile Lisa, you look pretty when you do.

  Mr. Alexander says there’s a visitor. The man has been shown into what David christened the main lounge.

  To me the room is no different from the other lounges.

  The visitor is a stranger. His face is a face I cannot place nor name yet it’s somehow familiar. The man rises and shakes Joy’s and then my hand. Not formally, but like one does with an acquaintance.

  We sit.

  Joy catches my eye and I raise an eyebrow. I fail to place this familiar looking face. Joy does, or at least she remembers or knows his name.

  Joy: “Is it Killian, and if I’m not mistaken its Commerce - right?”

  Killian: “Correct on both counts.”

  A broad I knew you would recognize me smile. Now I’m the confused one.

  Joy: “I’m Joy and this is my sister Lisa.”

  Killian: “Natalie spoke about you both. It’s a pleasure to finally meet the other beauties.”

  Joy: “Natalie is in hospital. If it’s her you wish to see ….”

  Killian: “I’ve been going to the hospital to see her every time she was admitted. She’s the one who gave me your address now and suggested that I drop this off here. It’s for Natalie.”

  He hands over a packet.

  We can all clearly see the neatly packed US 100 dollar notes.

  Killian: “Here is my card. If there’s anything at all that Natalie needs, no matter what time, call the direct number or my cell. I will pop in and chat another time. For now, I’ve to go.”

  We see him out.

  I keep missing something trying to force its way to my mind’s forefront.

  Ruth is here to collect Joy and me. We are going to a fund-raiser Joy volunteered our services to Trish for. What Joy says goes, even for Ruth.

  But Ruth is Ruth. Human News Network.

  Ruth: “Could someone please tell me what “Mr. Commerce” himself was doing here.”

  I remain quiet. Mr. Commerce? I’m perplexed.

  Ruth: “Joy, if its something I should not know about I will not press but please confirm that my eyes saw right. That was “Mr. Commerce, right?”

  Joy: “Your eyes see very well Ruth.”

  Ruth: “Is a person permitted to know what the man was doing here?”

  Joy: “Dropped in.”

  Ruth: “Mr. Commerce dropped in?”

  Joy: “Yes Ruth.”

  Ruth: “Big men and hot women sell their front teeth to see Mr. Commerce and he just drops in to see you?”

  Joy: “Aha”

  Ruth: “Let me get something right, you Joy, don’t go to see Mr. Commerce. He’s the one who comes to see you?”

  Joy: “Yes Ruth. You just about got it right."

  Ruth: “Is there something going on between the two of you? I understand he’s recently widowed.”

  Joy: “You could say that, in a manner of speaking.”

  Ruth: “Are you like seeing him?”

  Joy: “We’ve all like seen him, haven’t we?”

  Ruth: “I guess we have.”

  With Joy, Ruth knows when to stop, unlike my mind and the scenarios playing there.

  Mr. Commerce, who is Joy’s friend bringing money for Natalie, after seeing Natalie in hospital. No.

  Natalie or Joy’s friend, bringing something for Natalie?

  Natalie’s friend, bringing money for Natalie after seeing her in hospital? Likely.

  Why then did Joy say she was seeing him?

  Killian. Killian, KMP, Killian, Member of Parliament? Mr. Commerce? Far fetched.

  Too bad Joy’s emergency leave days are finished. Joy has to go back tomorrow.

  We turn on the television to catch news, something I hardly ever do but do now for Joy’s sake, and Killian’s face smiles back at me from the big screen.

  He is indeed, a member of Parliament.

  A week later, it’s a totally different Craig who brings an equally strange looking Hugh home. Craig looks haggard, worn and old.

  Hugh looks like a miniature replica of Craig.

  I can clearly see that something very, very bad happened.

&
nbsp; You get to know the code to suffering, even if it has newly established itself into others’ lives.

  Only Penelope looks the same.

  Penelope: “There was an accident at camp this morning. Nazmin is dead. No-one else was hurt.”

  Me: “What did you just say?”

  Penelope: “Look Lisa. It’s a bad habit not to listen when other people are talking. I said there was an accident at camp.”

  Me: “I heard that part.”

  Penelope: “Which part did you not hear then?.”

  Me: “Nazmin?”

  Penelope: “She’s dead. An accident, I hope you’re not going to ask for details because it’s been one very long day.”

  For a minute, the ground seems like its spinning. Craig is talking.

  Craig: “Lisa, Hugh needs care. He has gone through a traumatic experience. Is it alright with you if I stop by a couple of times this week?”

  Penelope: “It would be better if Hugh joins the program and starts right away. He needs to get his mind off the accident.”

  My heart is with Hugh, who is and is not my child anymore. I’ve to wait for him to come and let me console him.

  I look at the young old man who was only a happy, carefree child a week ago. Hugh refuses to meet my eyes. Instead, he looks at Craig.

  Penelope: “ … so that we finalize the matter. Alright with you Lisa?”

  I totally missed what she was saying …again!

  Me: “Sorry I missed a whole lot of what you were saying Penelope.”

  Penelope: “I was suggesting that Hugh move in with the rest of the group and start right away.”

  Me: “I, I, I don’t know …”

  Penelope: “For crying out loud Lisa. You saw the program outline. Hugh needs to take his mind off the accident.”

  Me: “Naz … dead?”

  Penelope: “I know it’s hard to believe but children don’t grieve for long if they’re in a nurturing environment and Hugh needs a diversion desperately right now.”

  Me: “This is, this is all too unexpected. Craig, what do you think?”

  Craig: “I think Hugh should stay here with you, for a while at least. If you want him to join the program, he can do so at a later stage.”

  Penelope: “Craig is suffering from the after effects of the accident, same as Hugh here. Listen Lisa, you owe your child the chance to get into this program and to do so right away.”

  Me: “You honestly think so Penelope?”

  Penelope: “Yes I do.”

  Me: “Craig?”

  Craig: “You heard what I think.”

  Me: “I cannot think straight right now. Can I give you an answer next week?”

  Penelope: “You said you would before we left for camp. Now is a perfect opportunity to sort out two problems at once. I don’t understand why you keep procrastinating.”

  Me: “If Craig thinks Hugh needs time, maybe I better give him a couple of days.”

  Penelope: “We need to be candid about the situation if we are to help Hugh.”

  Me: “Agreed. You’re the most level-headed thinker here at present. How many days would you suggest I give Hugh?”

  Penelope: “I say Hugh should join the group immediately.”

  Me: “I don’t know Penelope. Naznim, dead! Hugh is suffering. I think he needs time with me.”

  Penelope: “Your continued influence on Hugh can only impact negatively on him.”

  Me: “I don’t think so Penelope. I’m, Hugh’s mother.”

  Penelope: “You may be … but your lifestyle! Affairs with different men, your suicide attempt. You seem not to care much about what you expose your child to.”

  Craig: “That’s uncalled for Penelope.”

  Me: “It’s alright, I asked Penelope a question, she gave an answer. Penelope, so you think the best thing for Hugh would be your program?”

  Penelope: “That’s right. The group already started. Hugh is young and dexterous. He should be able to cope if he joins immediately. The extra work would be exactly what he needs to divert his attention.”

  Me: “If you think that’s what Hugh needs, he can come with you. I better call his father to let him know before you go.”

  Hugh: “You talk about me as if I’m not here”.

  Penelope: “Don’t worry Hugh. We all have what is best for you at heart.”

  Hugh: “Yet you talk about Nazmin as if she was never here?”

  Penelope: “Nazmin is dead Hugh. It was an accident. The sooner you accept it and move on with your life, the better.”

  Hugh: “Nazmin meant a lot to me. Should I not grieve for her?”

  Penelope: “You may grieve all you want Hugh. No-one is stopping you. I was just saying it’s better for you right now if you meet and make other friends.”

  Hugh: “None of them would be Nazmin.”

  Craig: “No one can be her Hugh, but Penelope is right. You must grieve and move on.”

  Hugh: “I want to stay with my mother. I will join the lessons but I’m not moving from home. I need my mother and she needs me. Good night.”

  Penelope: “Hugh is suffering from grief. Lisa, you’ve to do the responsible thing and make him get away from all this now. You cannot expect an eleven year old boy to make a decision about his life.”

  Me: “Everything looks hazy. I think its best not to force anything on Hugh right now. Thank you for taking care of him on the trip. I better go see if he’s alright. Good night.”

  Hugh refuses to discuss the accident at the camp. Instead, he spends a lot of time with Craig.

  They do the rounds together during weekends. Other times, Craig looks in on Hugh after school.

  I ask Craig to bring Penelope along but Penelope doesn’t wish to associate. I think it’s on account of David refusing permission for Hugh to join their programme.

  David told me Penelope went to see him. David says he believes Penelope is a fanatic and he doesn’t want Hugh anywhere near her.

  There’s hostility cropping up between Penelope and Hugh. Penelope and Hugh resent each other for the parts they play in Craig’s life.

  I discourage Hugh from spending time with Craig. Hugh defends Craig like his life depends on it. I send a note requesting Penelope to come for tea, hoping the two of us team up to discourage this bonding but my request is met with a polite refusal.

  Whenever I mention my concerns to Craig, he laughs good-naturedly.

  Last week Craig stayed twice through the entire day till supper.

  ***************