Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  CHAPTER IX

  Great wits jump: for the moment Dr. Slop cast his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with my uncle Toby about midwifery put him in mind of it) — the very same thought occurred.— ’Tis God’s mercy, quoth he (to himself) that Mrs. Shandy has had so bad a time of it, — else she might have been brought to bed seven times told, before one half of these knots could have got untied. — But here you must distinguish — the thought floated only in Dr. Slop’s mind, without sail or ballast to it, as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are every day swimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man’s understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side.

  A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother’s bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of. By all that’s unfortunate, quoth Dr. Slop, unless I make haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is.

  CHAPTER X

  In the case of knots, — by which, in the first place, I would not be understood to mean slip-knots — because in the course of my life and opinions — my opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy, — a little man, — but of high fancy: — he rushed into the duke of Monmouth’s affair: — nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots called bow-knots; — there is so little address, or skill, or patience required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them. — But by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his; — in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings thro’ the annulus or noose made by the second implication of them — to get them slipp’d and undone by. — I hope you apprehend me.

  In the case of these knots then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through life — every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them.— ’Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictate — is to take our teeth or our fingers to them. — Dr. Slop had lost his teeth — his favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, knock’d out three of the best of them with the handle of it: — he tried his fingers — alas; the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close. — The duce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. Slop. — The trampling overhead near my mother’s bedside increased. — Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live. — My mother gave a groan. — Lend me your penknife — I must e’en cut the knots at last — pugh! — psha! — Lord! I have cut my thumb quite across to the very bone — curse the fellow — if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles — I am undone for this bout — I wish the scoundrel hang’d — I wish he was shot — I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead! —

  My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a manner — he had moreover some little respect for himself — and could as ill bear with the indignity offered to himself in it.

  Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb — my father had pass’d it by — his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.

  Small curses, Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father (condoling with him first upon the accident), are but so much waste of our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose. — I own it, replied Dr. Slop. — They are like sparrow-shot, quoth my uncle Toby (suspending his whistling), fired against a bastion. — They serve, continued my father, to stir the humours — but carry off none of their acrimony: — for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all — I hold it bad — but if I fall into it by surprize, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purpose — that is, I swear on till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himself — but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.— “Injuries come only from the heart,” — quoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity, I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocation which could possibly happen to him — which forms being well considered by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for use. — I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of — much less executed. I beg your pardon, answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pour’d out the tea— ’tis here upon the shelf over my head; — but if I remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb. — Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop — the devil take the fellow. — Then, answered my father, ’Tis much at your service, Dr. Slop — on condition you will read it aloud; — so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop — with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled ERNULPHUS himself — he put it into Dr. Slop’s hands. — Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows — my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero as loud as he could all the time.

  Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.

  [Transcriber’s Note:

  The following section was printed on facing pages, Latin and English. For this e-text it has been broken into alternating paragraphs. The letters inserted between Latin lines are alternative endings determined by the number and gender of the person(s) being excommunicated.]

  CAP. XI

  EXCOMMUNICATIO

  Ex auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et intemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariæ, —

  CHAPTER XI

  “By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour.” I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my father — as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud — and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great inclination to hear it — I may as well read it to myself. That’s contrary to treaty, replied my father: — besides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr. Slop did not altogether like it, — but my uncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them; — Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle Toby’s whistling — as suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone; — so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin — he read it aloud as follows — my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before.

  — Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum,

  thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin

  ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarchum, prophetarum, & omnium

  apostolorum & evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui

  in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare

  novum, et sanctorum martyrum et sanctorum confessorum, et

  sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctoru
m et electorum

  vel os

  Dei, — Excommunicamus, et anathematizamus hunc

  s vel os s

  furem, vel hunc malefactorem, N. N. et a liminibus sanctæ Dei

  vel i n

  ecclesiæ sequestramus, et æternis suppliciis excruciandus, mancipetur,

  cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino

  Deo, Recede à nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et

  vel eorum

  sicut aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur lucerna ejus in

  n n

  secula seculorum nisi resipuerit, et ad satisfactionem venerit.

  Amen.

  “By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints, together with the holy and elect of God, — May he” (Obadiah) “be damn’d” (for tying these knots)— “We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him” (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied) “and make satisfaction” (for them) “Amen.”

  os

  Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem creavit. Maledicat

  os os

  illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat illum

  os

  Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est. Maledicat illum

  sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem triumphans

  ascendit.

  “May the Father who created man, curse him. — May the Son who suffered for us, curse him. — May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism, curse him (Obadiah) — May the holy cross which Christ, for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.

  os

  Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria.

  os

  Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacrarum.

  os

  Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et

  potestates, omnisque militia cœlestis.

  “May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him. — May St. Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him. — May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curse him.” [Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby, — but nothing to this. — For my own part I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.]

  os

  Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis

  os

  numerus. Maledicat illum sanctus Johannes Præcusor et

  Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque

  sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, simul et cæteri

  discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistæ, qui sua prædicatione

  os

  mundum universum converterunt. Maledicat illum cuneus

  martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus

  placitus inventus est.

  “May St. John, the Præcursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ’s apostles, together curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him” (Obadiah).

  os

  Maledicant illum sacrarum virginum chori, quæ mundi vana

  causa honoris Christi respuenda contempserunt. Maledicant

  os

  illum omnes sancti qui ab initio mundi usque in finem seculi

  Deo dilecti inveniuntur.

  os

  Maledicant illum cœli et terra, et omnia sancta in eis manentia.

  “May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him — May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him — May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him” (Obadiah) “or her” (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots).

  i n n Maledictus sit ubicunque fuerit, sive in domo, sive in agro, sive in viâ, sive in semitâ, sive in silvâ, sive in aquâ, sive in ecclesiâ.

  i n

  Maledictus sit vivendo, moriendo, —— —

  —— —

  —— —

  —— —

  manducando, bibendo, esuriendo, sitiendo, jejunando, dormitando,

  dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando, stando, sedendo,

  jacendo, operando, quiescendo, mingendo, cacando, flebotomando.

  “May he (Obadiah) be damn’d wherever he be — whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church. — May he be cursed in living, in dying.” [Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the end of the sentence. — Dr. Slop, with his division of curses moving under him, like a running bass all the way.] “May he be cursed in eating, and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!”

  i n Maledictus sit in totis viribus corporis,

  “May he” (Obadiah) “be cursed in all the faculties of his body!

  i n

  Maledictus sit intus et exterius.

  i n i n i

  Maledictus sit in capillis; maledictus sit in cerebro. Maledictus

  n

  sit in vertice, in temporibus, in fronte, in auriculis, in

  superciliis, in oculis, in genis, in maxillis, in naribus, in

  dentibus, mordacibus, sive molaribus, in labiis, in guttere, in

  humeris, in harnis, in brachiis, in manubus, in digitis, in pectore,

  in corde, et in omnibus interioribus stomacho tenus, in renibus,

  in inguinibus, in femore, in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus,

  in cruribus, in pedibus, et in inguibus.

  “May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly! — May he be cursed in the hair of his head! — May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex” (that is a sad curse, quoth my father), “in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!

  “May he be damn’d in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!

  “May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin” (God in heaven forbid! quoth my uncle Toby), “in his thighs, in his genitals” (my father shook his head), “and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and feet, and toe-nails!

  Maledictus sit in totis compagibus membrorum, a vertice capitis, usque ad plantam pedis — non sit in eo sanitas.

  “May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of his members, from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no soundness in him!

  Maledicat illum Christus Filius Dei vivi toto suæ majestatis imperio. —

  “May the Son of the living God, with all the glory of his Majesty” — [Here my uncle Toby, throwing back his head, gave a monstrous, long, loud Whew — w — w — something betwixt the interjection
al whistle of Hay-day! and the word itself. —

  — By the golden beard of Jupiter — and of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick — to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them) — all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment; — every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by — by all these beards together then — I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered his — to have stood by, and heard my uncle Toby’s accompanyment.]