Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  We have no jester at court, Monsieur le Count, said I; the last we had was in the licentious reign of Charles II.; - since which time our manners have been so gradually refining, that our court at present is so full of patriots, who wish for nothing but the honours and wealth of their country; - and our ladies are all so chaste, so spotless, so good, so devout, - there is nothing for a jester to make a jest of. -

  Voila un persiflage! cried the Count.

  THE PASSPORT. VERSAILLES.

  As the passport was directed to all lieutenant-governors, governors, and commandants of cities, generals of armies, justiciaries, and all officers of justice, to let Mr. Yorick the king’s jester, and his baggage, travel quietly along, I own the triumph of obtaining the passport was not a little tarnish’d by the figure I cut in it. - But there is nothing unmix’d in this world; and some of the gravest of our divines have carried it so far as to affirm, that enjoyment itself was attended even with a sigh, - and that the greatest they knew of terminated, in a general way, in little better than a convulsion.

  I remember the grave and learned Bevoriskius, in his Commentary upon the Generations from Adam, very naturally breaks off in the middle of a note to give an account to the world of a couple of sparrows upon the out-edge of his window, which had incommoded him all the time he wrote, and at last had entirely taken him off from his genealogy.

  - ’Tis strange! writes Bevoriskius; but the facts are certain, for I have had the curiosity to mark them down one by one with my pen; - but the cock sparrow, during the little time that I could have finished the other half of this note, has actually interrupted me with the reiteration of his caresses three-and-twenty times and a half.

  How merciful, adds Bevoriskius, is heaven to his creatures!

  Ill fated Yorick! that the gravest of thy brethren should be able to write that to the world, which stains thy face with crimson to copy, even in thy study.

  But this is nothing to my travels. - So I twice, - twice beg pardon for it.

  CHARACTER. VERSAILLES.

  And how do you find the French? said the Count de B-, after he had given me the passport.

  The reader may suppose, that after so obliging a proof of courtesy, I could not be at a loss to say something handsome to the enquiry.

  - Mais passe, pour cela. - Speak frankly, said he: do you find all the urbanity in the French which the world give us the honour of? - I had found every thing, I said, which confirmed it. - Vraiment, said the Count, les François sont polis. - To an excess, replied I.

  The Count took notice of the word excès; and would have it I meant more than I said. I defended myself a long time as well as I could against it. - He insisted I had a reserve, and that I would speak my opinion frankly.

  I believe, Monsieur le Count, said I, that man has a certain compass, as well as an instrument; and that the social and other calls have occasion by turns for every key in him; so that if you begin a note too high or too low, there must be a want either in the upper or under part, to fill up the system of harmony. - The Count de B- did not understand music, so desired me to explain it some other way. A polish’d nation, my dear Count, said I, makes every one its debtor: and besides, Urbanity itself, like the fair sex, has so many charms, it goes against the heart to say it can do ill; and yet, I believe, there is but a certain line of perfection, that man, take him altogether, is empower’d to arrive at: - if he gets beyond, he rather exchanges qualities than gets them. I must not presume to say how far this has affected the French in the subject we are speaking of; - but, should it ever be the case of the English, in the progress of their refinements, to arrive at the same polish which distinguishes the French, if we did not lose the politesse du coeur, which inclines men more to humane actions than courteous ones, - we should at least lose that distinct variety and originality of character, which distinguishes them, not only from each other, but from all the world besides.

  I had a few of King William’s shillings, as smooth as glass, in my pocket; and foreseeing they would be of use in the illustration of my hypothesis, I had got them into my hand when I had proceeded so far: -

  See, Monsieur le Count, said I, rising up, and laying them before him upon the table, - by jingling and rubbing one against another for seventy years together in one body’s pocket or another’s, they are become so much alike, you can scarce distinguish one shilling from another.

  The English, like ancient medals, kept more apart, and passing but few people’s hands, preserve the first sharpnesses which the fine hand of Nature has given them; - they are not so pleasant to feel, - but in return the legend is so visible, that at the first look you see whose image and superscription they bear. - But the French, Monsieur le Count, added I (wishing to soften what I had said), have so many excellences, they can the better spare this; - they are a loyal, a gallant, a generous, an ingenious, and good temper’d people as is under heaven; - if they have a fault - they are too serious.

  Mon Dieu! cried the Count, rising out of his chair.

  Mais vous plaisantez, said he, correcting his exclamation. - I laid my hand upon my breast, and with earnest gravity assured him it was my most settled opinion.

  The Count said he was mortified he could not stay to hear my reasons, being engaged to go that moment to dine with the Duc de C-.

  But if it is not too far to come to Versailles to eat your soup with me, I beg, before you leave France, I may have the pleasure of knowing you retract your opinion, - or, in what manner you support it. - But, if you do support it, Monsieur Anglois, said he, you must do it with all your powers, because you have the whole world against you. - I promised the Count I would do myself the honour of dining with him before I set out for Italy; - so took my leave.

  THE TEMPTATION. PARIS.

  When I alighted at the hotel, the porter told me a young woman with a bandbox had been that moment enquiring for me. - I do not know, said the porter, whether she is gone away or not. I took the key of my chamber of him, and went upstairs; and when I had got within ten steps of the top of the landing before my door, I met her coming easily down.

  It was the fair fille de chambre I had walked along the Quai de Conti with; Madame de R- had sent her upon some commission to a marchande des modes within a step or two of the Hôtel de Modene; and as I had fail’d in waiting upon her, had bid her enquire if I had left Paris; and if so, whether I had not left a letter addressed to her.

  As the fair fille de chambre was so near my door, she returned back, and went into the room with me for a moment or two whilst I wrote a card.

  It was a fine still evening in the latter end of the month of May, - the crimson window curtains (which were of the same colour as those of the bed) were drawn close: - the sun was setting, and reflected through them so warm a tint into the fair fille de chambre’s face, - I thought she blush’d; - the idea of it made me blush myself: - we were quite alone; and that superinduced a second blush before the first could get off.

  There is a sort of a pleasing half guilty blush, where the blood is more in fault than the man: - ’tis sent impetuous from the heart, and virtue flies after it, - not to call it back, but to make the sensation of it more delicious to the nerves: - ’tis associated. -

  But I’ll not describe it; - I felt something at first within me which was not in strict unison with the lesson of virtue I had given her the night before. - I sought five minutes for a card; - I knew I had not one. - I took up a pen. - I laid it down again; - my hand trembled: - the devil was in me.

  I know as well as any one he is an adversary, whom, if we resist, he will fly from us; - but I seldom resist him at all; from a terror, though I may conquer, I may still get a hurt in the combat; - so I give up the triumph for security; and, instead of thinking to make him fly, I generally fly myself.

  The fair fille de chambre came close up to the bureau where I was looking for a card - took up first the pen I cast down, then offer’d to hold me the ink; she offer’d it so sweetly, I was going to accept it; - but I durst not; - I h
ave nothing, my dear, said I, to write upon. - Write it, said she, simply, upon anything. -

  I was just going to cry out, Then I will write it, fair girl! upon thy lips. -

  If I do, said I, I shall perish; - so I took her by the hand, and led her to the door, and begg’d she would not forget the lesson I had given her. - She said, indeed she would not; - and, as she uttered it with some earnestness, she turn’d about, and gave me both her hands, closed together, into mine; - it was impossible not to compress them in that situation; - I wish’d to let them go; and all the time I held them, I kept arguing within myself against it, - and still I held them on. - In two minutes I found I had all the battle to fight over again; - and I felt my legs and every limb about me tremble at the idea.

  The foot of the bed was within a yard and a half of the place where we were standing. - I had still hold of her hands - and how it happened I can give no account; but I neither ask’d her - nor drew her - nor did I think of the bed; - but so it did happen, we both sat down.

  I’ll just show you, said the fair fille de chambre, the little purse I have been making to-day to hold your crown. So she put her hand into her right pocket, which was next me, and felt for it some time - then into the left. - “She had lost it.” - I never bore expectation more quietly; - it was in her right pocket at last; - she pull’d it out; it was of green taffeta, lined with a little bit of white quilted satin, and just big enough to hold the crown: she put it into my hand; - it was pretty; and I held it ten minutes with the back of my hand resting upon her lap - looking sometimes at the purse, sometimes on one side of it.

  A stitch or two had broke out in the gathers of my stock; the fair fille de chambre, without saying a word, took out her little housewife, threaded a small needle, and sew’d it up. - I foresaw it would hazard the glory of the day; and, as she pass’d her hand in silence across and across my neck in the manoeuvre, I felt the laurels shake which fancy had wreath’d about my head.

  A strap had given way in her walk, and the buckle of her shoe was just falling off. - See, said the fille de chambre, holding up her foot. - I could not, for my soul but fasten the buckle in return, and putting in the strap, - and lifting up the other foot with it, when I had done, to see both were right, - in doing it too suddenly, it unavoidably threw the fair fille de chambre off her centre, - and then -

  THE CONQUEST.

  Yes, - and then -. Ye whose clay-cold heads and luke-warm hearts can argue down or mask your passions, tell me, what trespass is it that man should have them? or how his spirit stands answerable to the Father of spirits but for his conduct under them?

  If Nature has so wove her web of kindness, that some threads of love and desire are entangled with the piece, - must the whole web be rent in drawing them out? - Whip me such stoics, great Governor of Nature! said I to myself: - wherever thy providence shall place me for the trials of my virtue; - whatever is my danger, - whatever is my situation, - let me feel the movements which rise out of it, and which belong to me as a man, - and, if I govern them as a good one, I will trust the issues to thy justice; for thou hast made us, and not we ourselves.

  As I finished my address, I raised the fair fille de chambre up by the hand, and led her out of the room: - she stood by me till I locked the door and put the key in my pocket, - and then, - the victory being quite decisive - and not till then, I press’d my lips to her cheek, and taking her by the hand again, led her safe to the gate of the hotel.

  THE MYSTERY. PARIS.

  If a man knows the heart, he will know it was impossible to go back instantly to my chamber; - it was touching a cold key with a flat third to it upon the close of a piece of music, which had call’d forth my affections: - therefore, when I let go the hand of the fille de chambre, I remained at the gate of the hotel for some time, looking at every one who pass’d by, - and forming conjectures upon them, till my attention got fix’d upon a single object which confounded all kind of reasoning upon him.

  It was a tall figure of a philosophic, serious, adust look, which passed and repass’d sedately along the street, making a turn of about sixty paces on each side of the gate of the hotel; - the man was about fifty-two - had a small cane under his arm - was dress’d in a dark drab-colour’d coat, waistcoat, and breeches, which seem’d to have seen some years service: - they were still clean, and there was a little air of frugal propreté throughout him. By his pulling off his hat, and his attitude of accosting a good many in his way, I saw he was asking charity: so I got a sous or two out of my pocket ready to give him, as he took me in his turn. - He pass’d by me without asking anything - and yet did not go five steps further before he ask’d charity of a little woman. - I was much more likely to have given of the two. - He had scarce done with the woman, when he pull’d off his hat to another who was coming the same way. - An ancient gentleman came slowly - and, after him, a young smart one. - He let them both pass, and ask’d nothing. I stood observing him half an hour, in which time he had made a dozen turns backwards and forwards, and found that he invariably pursued the same plan.

  There were two things very singular in this, which set my brain to work, and to no purpose: - the first was, why the man should only tell his story to the sex; - and, secondly, - what kind of story it was, and what species of eloquence it could be, which soften’d the hearts of the women, which he knew ’twas to no purpose to practise upon the men.

  There were two other circumstances, which entangled this mystery; - the one was, he told every woman what he had to say in her ear, and in a way which had much more the air of a secret than a petition; - the other was, it was always successful. - He never stopp’d a woman, but she pull’d out her purse, and immediately gave him something.

  I could form no system to explain the phenomenon.

  I had got a riddle to amuse me for the rest of the evening; so I walk’d upstairs to my chamber.

  THE CASE OF CONSCIENCE. PARIS.

  I was immediately followed up by the master of the hotel, who came into my room to tell me I must provide lodgings elsewhere. - How so, friend? said I. - He answered, I had had a young woman lock’d up with me two hours that evening in my bedchamber, and ’twas against the rules of his house. - Very well, said I, we’ll all part friends then, - for the girl is no worse, - and I am no worse, - and you will be just as I found you. - It was enough, he said, to overthrow the credit of his hotel. - Voyez vous, Monsieur, said he, pointing to the foot of the bed we had been sitting upon. - I own it had something of the appearance of an evidence; but my pride not suffering me to enter into any detail of the case, I exhorted him to let his soul sleep in peace, as I resolved to let mine do that night, and that I would discharge what I owed him at breakfast.

  I should not have minded, Monsieur, said he, if you had had twenty girls - ’Tis a score more, replied I, interrupting him, than I ever reckon’d upon - Provided, added he, it had been but in a morning. - And does the difference of the time of the day at Paris make a difference in the sin? - It made a difference, he said, in the scandal. - I like a good distinction in my heart; and cannot say I was intolerably out of temper with the man. - I own it is necessary, resumed the master of the hotel, that a stranger at Paris should have the opportunities presented to him of buying lace and silk stockings and ruffles, et tout cela; - and ’tis nothing if a woman comes with a band-box. - O, my conscience! said I, she had one but I never look’d into it. - Then Monsieur, said he, has bought nothing? - Not one earthly thing, replied I. - Because, said he, I could recommend one to you who would use you en conscience. - But I must see her this night, said I. - He made me a low bow, and walk’d down.

  Now shall I triumph over this maître d’hôtel, cried I, - and what then? Then I shall let him see I know he is a dirty fellow. - And what then? What then? - I was too near myself to say it was for the sake of others. - I had no good answer left; - there was more of spleen than principle in my project, and I was sick of it before the execution.

  In a few minutes the grisette came in with her box of l
ace. - I’ll buy nothing, however, said I, within myself.

  The grisette would show me everything. - I was hard to please: she would not seem to see it; she opened her little magazine, and laid all her laces one after another before me; - unfolded and folded them up again one by one with the most patient sweetness. - I might buy, - or not; - she would let me have everything at my own price: - the poor creature seem’d anxious to get a penny; and laid herself out to win me, and not so much in a manner which seem’d artful, as in one I felt simple and caressing.

  If there is not a fund of honest gullibility in man, so much the worse; - my heart relented, and I gave up my second resolution as quietly as the first. - Why should I chastise one for the trespass of another? If thou art tributary to this tyrant of an host, thought I, looking up in her face, so much harder is thy bread.

  If I had not had more than four louis d’ors in my purse, there was no such thing as rising up and showing her the door, till I had first laid three of them out in a pair of ruffles.

  - The master of the hotel will share the profit with her; - no matter, - then I have only paid as many a poor soul has paid before me, for an act he could not do, or think of.

  THE RIDDLE. PARIS.

  When La Fleur came up to wait upon me at supper, he told me how sorry the master of the hotel was for his affront to me in bidding me change my lodgings.