Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  MEDITATION UPON DRUNKENNESS.

  Quid not Ebrietas designat?

  WHAT great atchievements does not drunkenness give occasion to? How many admirable pieces of poetry? how many flights of fancy does drunkenness produce? Oh! thou invisible spirit of wine, if we have no other name to call thee by, let us call thee muse, for sure it is, that more bards have been inspired by thee, than by drinking the waters of Helicon. But thy influence is not confined to poets alone, divines and philosophers do not disdain thy succour. Cato the censor, was no foe to good wine, and the rotation of the earth was first discovered by a philosopher intoxicated with liquor. No water-drinker, if we may believe Horace, ever composed an immortal poem, and the man that has a real genius for poetry is always

  Ritè cliens Bacchi somno gaudentis & umbra.

  One of the greatest prelates the church of Rome ever produced, has compared the joys of heaven to ebriety; and all the difference he makes between happy souls and drunken men is, that the ebriety of the former is continual, that of the latter temporary. Ebriety banishes all cares from human breasts, and such is its efficacy, that we may justly say of it:

  Kings it makes gods,

  And meaner creatures kings.

  Add to this, that orthodoxy and drinking go together — whilst Turks damn themselves over a dish of coffee, the christian divine makes his countenance chearful with good port. Let the treacherous Spaniard consider the term Borrachio, or drunkard, as a term of the highest reproach; amongst the free-born sons of Great-Britain, drunkard and good-fellow will always be looked upon as synonimous terms. To compleat the panegyric, wine banishes care, inspires the human breast with hope, adds wings to the fancy, and exalts the genius. It has always been found the best friend in times of grief, and the best companion in times of prosperity. But who can call its virtues in question, that knows that the renowned Alexander, the conqueror of the world, was the greatest drinker of his age, and was an over-match for his contemporaries over a bottle, as well as for his enemies in the field. His death has falsly been ascribed to the juice of the grape, ’twas caused by poison. Had it not been for that he might have lived to drink till his body had been so swelled with a dropsy, that it could not have been contained in a coffin. But as Juvenal says,

  Sarcophago contentus erat.

  Pray, why, Sir? why, because he had not drank enough. Here some critic interrupts me as usual. From all this panegyric upon drunkenness, you’ll give us leave to infer, that you are a drunkard yourself — Sir, you may draw what inferences you please; but, Mr. Critic, give me leave to tell you, that if you never get drunk yourself, you are likely to be a piddling critic all your life. He that aspires to the name of author should drink deep of wine or punch, and that will produce the very same effect as the Pierian spring.

  MEDITATION UPON A CLOSE-STOOL.

  MY spirits quite exhausted with meditating upon drunkenness, I retired to a little closet contiguous to my chamber, where I seated myself upon a certain wooden machine, which has always been found to be a great promoter of study and meditation, and t’is well known, that some persons of a contemplative disposition can never study or meditate without the assistance of it. Leaning my head upon my arm in a musing posture, Oh! said I to myself, how oft have the labours of learned and indefatigaable authors visited a place like this? — should — but heaven avert it, should these my meditations, in which I have exerted my utmost wit and learning, to compose which I have sat up night and day, should they at last be brought to such dire disgrace, how would my pride (and what pride so sensible as an authors) be mortified? But from the success of my former writings I hope a better fate, no, the meditations of Yorick shall never be condemned:

  Ad ficum et piperem et quicquid chartis

  Amicitur ineptis.

  Forbid it heaven, that Yorick’s meditations should ever become a book for a house-of-office, no, let them live with his other works to brighten future ages. Neither shall Jove’s anger, nor the all-devouring Bathos of Cloacina absorb works, calculated to last till time shall be no more. Here my critick pulls me by the sleeve, and tells me, you forgot what you are upon — I expected a series of reflections upon that useful implement a closestool; and you have been all this while talking of your own works, a much more worthless subject — Sir, I am obliged to you — I find ’tis impossible to escape your severity, so I shall hasten to the conclusion.

  MEDITATION THE LAST, OR A MEDITATION UPON MEDITATIONS.

  ABARREN subject this; but Yorick has something to say upon every subject, or if he should have nothing to say upon it, the deficiency is easily supplied by a digression. A digression is as useful to one of us writers of meditations, as a succedanum to an apothecary, and the reader and patient are equally apt to take one thing for another. Of all the various lights in which the relation of author and reader have been considered, I know none so well adapted to give an adequate idea of them, as this of doctor and patient, or apothecary and patient, for doctor and apothecary are all one. Readers seldom sit down to read books, but when they are troubled with the spleen, when the time hangs heavy on their heads, or when they have some indisposition or other, which makes them incapable of business, or any more lively pleasure. ’Tis then they take up a book of amusement, and their author may be justly looked upon as their physician. What shews still farther the justness of this comparison is the following inscription, over the door of Ptolomy Philadelphus’s famous library at Alexandria,

  in non-Latin alphabet , Physic of the soul.

  If then a book be the physic of the soul, we authors that administer this physic may be allowed to look upon ourselves as physicians, and if we do not cure our patients as often as other physicians, at least we may safely say we do not kill them as often. Know then all ye into whose hands these meditations shall come, that I Yorick am your physician, and honour your physician with the honour due unto him — Here again, my impertinent censor interrupts me — you have quite lost sight of your subject, you promised us something upon meditations, and you have been all this while talking of physic and physicians — Sir, you are enough to make a man lose all patience.

  I told you already, and I tell you again and again, that I’ll make as many digressions as I think proper, and wherever I think proper; and that I would not give up one digression to save the souls and bodies of all the critics in Europe; and so that I may be no longer troubled with your impertinence, I will here conclude,

  Verbum non amplius addam.

  FINIS.

  EXPLANATORY REMARKS UPON THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY

  WHEREIN, THE MORALS AND POLITICS OF THIS PIECE ARE CLEARLY LAID OPEN, BY JEREMIAH KUNASTROKIUS, M.D.

  CONTENTS

  CHAP. I.

  CHAP. II.

  CHAP III.

  CHAP. IV.

  CHAP. V.

  CHAP. VI.

  CHAP. VII.

  CHAP. VIII.

  CHAP. IX.

  CHAP. X.

  CHAP. XI.

  CHAP XII.

  CHAP. XIII.

  CHAP. XIV.

  CHAP. XV.

  CHAP. XVI.

  CHAP. XVII.

  CHAP. XVIII.

  CHAP. XIX.

  CHAP. XX.

  CHAP. XXI.

  CHAP. XXII.

  CHAP. XXIII.

  ADVERTISEMENT. TO THE NOBILITY AND GENTRY OF ALL EUROPE.

  CHAP. I.

  IT is the misfortune of all great writers, to put pen to paper so fast, and let their imaginations carry them away in such a hurry, that they seldom consider whether their readers comprehensions will be able to gallop after them post-haste, without being out of breath, to the end of the first chapter, even tho’ it should not contain above a dozen lines. And it is as great an error in judgment, — nay, worse than that which Byng was shot for, to put too much wit in any production that is intended for universal reading — I say, universal reading: for, besides the opinion of one of the greatest writers of this or the last age, I cannot say which,


  “that a reader should have as much wit as the author he reads, to understand him;”

  — which I flatter myself is seldom the case. I speak as an author, and therefore should be allowed a little vanity: I say, besides this generally received doctrine, how can we tell what different kinds of wit prevail with all the readers in the universe; — to go no further than the antipodes, it is a thousand to one, whether they would understand a pun, or the best bon-mot in all Tristram Shandy: — and for aught I can tell, in the moon, and some other of the illiterate planets, they may have exploded every kind of true wit mentioned by Addison. It is evidently for this reason, that in most of the periodical works, which are reckoned universal, and particularly the magazines, we are very seldom troubled with any thing but plain good sense, the best method of making water-gruel, and fattening of capons; which may be of use, and understood all over the world.

  CHAP. II.

  MY good friend, and arch companion Mr. Tristram Shandy, gentlemen, who makes such honourable mention of my learned father, the celebrated doctor Kunastrokius, of physical memory has fallen into this very mistake that I have just been mentioning; and, by a certain subtility of thinking, and quaintness of expression, the beauties and excellencies of his work, may not only be passed over by many of the inhabitants of Asia-minor, Monomotapa, some of the Mickmacs, Cherokees, and Catawbas, but, at least, by seven hundred and fifty of the inhabitants of London, and Westminster, the Borough of Southwark, and parts adjacent.

  This computation, which I did not make myself, may appear at first, somewhat too exact, but the reader may be persuaded I have it from the best authority, — my printer, who assures me, I cannot sell more or less than that number: I own I was at first of another opinion, and therefore ordered him to print twenty thousand; but he soon convinced me of my mistake, by the cartloads of waste-paper in his shop, so that I now set down to write for the seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers of Tristram Shandy, in and about the purlicus of this metropolis, — and no other.

  CHAP III.

  TO them be it known, then, that Mr. Tristram Shandy is one of the greatest moralists, and most refined politicians this, or any other age whatever has produced.

  CHAP. IV.

  BEFORE we enter upon the illustration of these round assertions, it will be necessary to point out the qualifications of a moralist. He should have a fundamental knowledge of ethics, or that science which fixes the oeconomy and conduct of human Life, that teaches the regulation of the passions, and instructs men to be happy, by practising all the social virtues. He should know how to adapt these rules to the various subjects he treats of, and point out such evident and uncontrovertable conclusions in favour of morality, as every unbiassed reader must be sensible of the effect.

  CHAP. V.

  A Moralist has generally one, two, three, four, five, six, and sometimes more things in view. Those of the singular number, write for writing’s sake: those of the first plural number, invert the rule of oeconomy,

  “a penny saved is a penny got,”

  and think, that in getting a penny, they do more than save one they have not, — so that they make writing and eating go hand in hand. The triple number have generally some new moral doctrine to broach, and, with the two former con-committants, add, that of self-opiniated public service. Then come the controvertists to these, and the recontrovertists, with their answers, replies, and rejoinders, ad infinitum. —— — But, before I launch out any further in the definition of a moral writer, I must inform my seven hundred and fifty readers that Mr. Tristram Shandy is not among any of these classes. — He stands by himself upon the top shelf of ethics, — tho’ but in twelves, — unrivalled, — inimitable, — and (to my seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers) incomprehensible. He must, therefore, be more fully explained than any of the foregoing moralists, — and, for that reason, I allow him best part of the following sheets for his public defence to the moral world.

  CHAP. VI.

  THE first evident mark of Mr. Tristram’s morals (which indeed is no farther than the third page) is what he puts into his mother’s mouth upon his father’s regularity in winding up the house clock. Regularity every one knows is the corner-stone of virtue — and virtue is the foundation of morality — Thus far, then, Mr. Shandy goes on in a moral track to give us the history of his anti-birth.

  But what does the winding up of the clock allude to — and how comes it this thought always entered his mother’s head once a month? This he very naturally accounts for by an assemblage of ideas, according to Locke; and whatever it may want in decency, he very notably makes up by sound philosophy and his little men in embrio — according to the oeconomy of human life, and consistant with moral duties.

  CHAP. VII.

  IT would be difficult for me, and tedious for my readers, to trace Mr. Tristram Shandy through every part of his moral character: I shall therefore confine myself to such traits as are the most striking (tho’ not self-evident) and least understood.

  Among these the following passage seems next to claim our attention.

  “The rituals direct the baptizing of the child, in case of danger, before it is born; but upon this proviso, that some part or other of the child’s body be seen by the baptiser: but the doctors of the Sorbonne, by deliberation, held amongst them April 10, 1733, have enlarged the powers of the midwives, by determining, that though no part of the child’s body should appear, — that baptism shall nevertheless be administered to it by injection by means of a little squirt. ’Tis very strange that St. Thomas Aquinas, who had so good a mechanical head, both for tying and untying, the knots of school-divinity, should, after so much pains bestowed upon this — give up the point at last, as a thing impossible.”

  Here follows the question upon baptism, with the consultation of the doctors of the Sorbonne thereupon in French; but as Mr. Shandy has not favoured us with a translation, and as very likely some of my incomprehensible readers may not understand that language, I have rendered it in English. — Those of my readers, who (notwithstanding their incomprehensibility) have a smattering of the Gallican tongue, and fancy they comprehend the whole affair in the original, have nothing to do but skip to chapter 9, and fancy there is no such thing as chapter 8 in this whole book, — I mean volume.

  CHAP. VIII.

  A Memorial presented to the doctors of the Sorbonne.

  “A Surgeon and man-midwife represents to the gentlemen of the Sorbonne, that there are some cases, though very uncommon, wherein a mother cannot be delivered, and when even the child is so inclosed in the mother’s womb, that no part of it’s body appears, in which case, according to the rituals, baptism should be conferred to it, at least, upon conditions. The surgeon, who makes this representation, engages, by means of a syringe, to baptize immediately the child, without any way hurting the mother. The question he asks is, whether this method he proposes, is allowable and legal, and if he may follow it in a case parallel to that which he represents?”

  The answer to the foregoing memorial:

  “The council is of opinion, that the question proposed has many difficulties to be first removed. The theologists have on one side established a principle, that baptism, which is a spiritual birth, supposes a prior birth; we must be born into the world to be reborn in Jesus Christ, according to their doctrine. St. Thomas, part. 3. quaest. 88. article 11. follows this opinion as an established fact: we cannot (says that holy doctor) baptize children which are inclosed in their mothers wombs. By this St. Thomas means these children are not born, and therefore cannot be reckoned amongst other men: from whence he infers they cannot be the object of an external action, to receive thereby the sacraments necessary to salvation: Pueri in maternis uteris existentes nondum prodicerunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus vitam ducant, unde non possunt subjici actioni humanae, ut per corum ministerum sacramenta recipiant ad salutem. The rituals enforce the practice of what theoligists have regulated upon those heads and they unanimously prohibit the baptising of children
which are inclosed in their mothers wombs, if no part of their bodies appears. The concurrence of the theologists and the rituals, which are the rules of the diocesses, seems to establish an authority necessary to answer the present quesstion: however, the council of conscience, considering on the one hand, that the reasonings of the theologists is entirely founded upon their desire of conformity, and that the prohibition of the rituals, supposes, that children so inclosed, cannot be baptized in their mothers wombs, which is against the present supposition; and, on the other hand, considering that the same theologians teach, that the Sacraments which Jesus Christ has established, as the easy, but necessary means of sanctifying man, may be hazarded; and besides, supposing that children inclosed in their mothers wombs are capable of salvation, as they are liable to damnation; upon these considerations, and having an eye to the memorial, wherein it is assured, that a certain method is found out, of baptizing children thus inclosed, without occasioning the least prejudice to the mother; the council imagines, that the means proposed may be made use of, in the belief that God has not left this kind of children without any resource, and supposing, according to the representation, that the means there proposed are porper to procure them baptism, nevertheless, as by authorizing the proposed practice, a rule universally established must be cancelled, the council thinks, that the memoralist should make application to his bishop, whose province it is to judge of the utility and danger of the method proposed, and as (under the direction of the bishop) the council thinks that recourse should be had to the pope, in whom the right of explaining the laws of the church, and of derogating therefrom, where they cannot be executed, is invested: and, however ingenious and useful the manner of baptism here proposed may be, the council cannot give their approbation to it, without the concurrence of these two authorities. The memoralist is, at least, advised to apply to his bishop, and to inform him of the present decision, that in case the prelate should coincide with the reasons, whereupon the under-signed have founded their opinions, he may be authorized in cases of necessity, when too much time may be lost to ask permission, and have it granted, for following the method proposed, so advantageous to the child’s salvation. The council has nothing further to add, than, that notwithstanding they believe this method may be pursued, are nevertheless of opinion, that in case the children in question should come into the world, contrary to the expectation of those who have used this method, it would be necessary to baptize them upon condition; and this is conformable to all the rituals, which in authorizing the baptism of a child, some part of whose body appears, enjoins at the same time, and orders it’s baptism upon condition, in case it comes happily into the world.”