Complete Works of Laurence Sterne

by Laurence Sterne

  “In a word, he would say, error was error, no matter where it fell, whether in a fraction or a pound— ’twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly’s wing — as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together. — He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly; and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were; — that the political arch was giving way,”

  (do you observe, gentlemen, how forcibly he speaks here)

  and that the very foundation of our excellent constitution in church and state were so sapped as estimators reported.”

  CHAP. XVIII.

  WHEN Mr. Profound had got thus far, a fit of coughing took him, which I was apprehensive would very near have carried him off, — I waited with great patience near a quarter of an hour till he had recovered himself, in expectation of having gained from him an explanation of this passage, which he certainly would have given, notwithstanding he told us in the beginning he would leave us to our own reflecti — ons; but how unluckily mortifying was it, both for you and me, readers, that after the fit left him, there was not a sufficient number of auditors remaining to form a committee, and Mr. Profound went away as much out of temper with his cough as with his company. I have regularly attended the house for above a fortnight past, in expectation of meeting him, when (tears speak my grief!) I yesterday learned he died the night before — and all my hopes of an explanation of this passage are at an end.

  I propose erecting here a monument to the memory of Profound, in the same manner as Tristram has to that of Yorick.

  Alas, poor PROFOUND!

  I have just received the mortifying news, that my printer has never a black copper-plate to subjoin; but I have desired him to borrow Tristram’s of his printer, and if he will but lend it, you may depend upon being as well amused and enlightened here, as you were in reading the seventy third and seven fourth pages of the 1st volume of Tristram Shandy.

  CHAP. XIX.

  I Told you, incomprehensible readers (you know your number by this time) what a clever fellow Profound was, so that I hope you did not lose a word that he said; but if you think that there was only a single syllable that you did not attend to, I insist upon your returning back to the three preceding chapters, as you will swear, else, I have not fulfilled the promise of my title page,

  “explaining the politics of Tristram,”

  which can be done no other way, than in the words of my deceased friend. Friend! did I say? Yes, I repeat it, a great friend! and what is more and difficult to believe, a political friend! who has enabled me to throw such light upon our author, and clear the understandings of seven hundred and fifty incomprehensible readers.

  CHAP. XX.

  THUS much for Mr. Tristram Shandy’s politics.

  CHAP. XXI.

  SOME of the most comprehensible of my readers must have observed, that I have scattered very little Greek and Latin about this work, and that I have even made shift with an English motto, notwithstanding a classical one is so essential to the well understanding and recommending a book, even though of this consequence. — To be honest, I must own, that none of the family of the Kunastrokius’s were any great Grecians, — and, as to Latin, I always found it a very saleable commodity at the physical-market. But if any of my readers should be desirous to divert themselves with a Greek or Latin quotation, I would advise them to read me with Homer, Herodotus, Virgil, Horace, and a few more of the classics by their sides, and if they understand them, not else, — they have nothing to do, but now and then dip into one or other of them, and please themselves, and save me a great deal of unnecessary trouble.

  CHAP. XXII.

  THIS chapter is intirely upon propriety, and must, therefore, of course, (with or without a pun) be a very proper chapter.

  Digressions are the soul of a work, as Mr. Tristram Shandy has very judiciously discovered, and he has as tenaciously adhered to this discovery; — wherefore, he may, with the greatest propriety, be stiled the king of episodical writers.

  As to absurdities, it is absurd to suppose, there can be any in a work of humour, — true humour I mean. — I appeal to all and every one of my incomprehensible readers, if there be any absurdity in the work now before them: — I will answer for you all in one word — none. In regard to my friend Tristram, what are generally reckoned absurdities in him, are his greatest beauties — Though he ridicules plates and cuts by a ridiculous stamp, may he not, with great propriety prefix a frontispiece to his second edition? — Every one must own, that a frontispiece, when executed by a masterly hand, is an embellishment to a work; — and who can be so out of the way, as to find fault with an embellishment, which evidently inhances the value of the production?

  Again, with respect to dedications. — Though that in the middle of his first volume certainly means (if any thing) a burlesque upon dedications of what nature so ever, yet we find in his second edition, he has dedicated this moral-political (not bawdy, ludicrous, as some may imagine it) piece, to one of the most respectable characters in England. — But who can take offence at it?

  What I have said in this chapter concerning Mr. Tristram Shandy’s propriety, sets some of the mistaken errors of that work in the clearest points of light, in which my readers (incomprehensible as they are) must certainly view them.

  CHAP. XXIII.

  LIKE most other writers, when I have nothing more to say, I draw near a conclusion; but as it is necessary, for several reasons which I could explain if I chose (but not having promised it in my title page I am not compelled to it,) to eke out another chapter, I must say something, if it be only to contradict what I have hitherto said; — but this I shall not do, and so continue as follows:

  If, after all, I have not sufficiently cleared my friend Tristram Shandy, from any attacks of the false critics, for want of morals, or for any small heresy in politics: — no part of this can be laid to his charge, — as he was then unborn, as he still remains, in a literal sense.

  But to wave all considerations of this nature, my readers, as incomprehensible as they are, must have perceived e’er now, that Tristram Shandy is the most excellent (I was going to say — est, by way of a superlative superlative, suitable to the occasion) piece that has appeared for many years; besides, according to Hubras, ——

  — The worth of every thing, Is just as much as it will bring, — and this is the dearest production to the bookseller, if not to the public, that has appeared for near half a centry.

  ADVERTISEMENT. TO THE NOBILITY AND GENTRY OF ALL EUROPE.

  AS I expect, in consequence of the foregonig work, to receive invitations on every hand for parties of pleasure, regales, dinners, and suppers — in order to prevent confusion in my engagements, and that I may not make appointments with persons I am intirely ignorant of, I beg they would, with all convenient dispatch, send their titles, names, and places of abode, with cards to my bookseller’s, that I may pay compliments to them, according to their different ranks; or, where upon a footing, according to their alphabetical succession.

  N. B. Such noblemen, &c. as chuse to give me testimony of their approbation of this book, by particular marks of their beneficence, will please to take notice, that no living, however lucrative, can be accepted, as I am not in orders.

  I am particularly obliged to the managers of both the houses, whose kind intentions I already anticipate, in favouring me with the freedom of their respective theatres, and they may depend upon my paying my compliments to them in due time; — but I am afraid I cannot accept of Mr. —— — ‘s kind invitation to his house at Hampton this summer.

  FINIS.

  THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE

  INCLUDING ALL HIS PATHETIC TALES, AND MOST DISTINGUISHED OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE. SELECTED FOR THE HEART OF SENSIBILITY.

  CONTENTS

  TO HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY, JOSEPH THE SECOND, EMPEROR OF GERMANY.<
br />
  PREFACE.

  ADVERTISEMENT.

  THE PRECEPTOR.

  THE STORY OF LE FEVER.

  THE PULSE.

  THE PIE-MAN.

  THE SWORD.

  THE ASS.

  THE SERMON.

  THE SERMON.

  REMAINDER OF THE STORY OF TRIM’S BROTHER.

  THE BEGUINE.

  MARIA.

  MARIA.

  SENSIBILITY.

  THE SUPPER.

  THE GRACE.

  COTTAGE HAPPINESS.

  ILLUSION.

  LE DIMANCHE.

  THE MONK.

  THE MONK.

  FELLOW-FEELING.

  THE UNMERCIFUL MAN.

  PITY.

  COMPASSION.

  SLANDER.

  HOUSE OF MOURNING.

  FRAILTY.

  INSENSIBILITY.

  UNCERTAINTY.

  THE DEAD ASS.

  HUMOURING IMMORAL APPETITES.

  UNITY.

  OPPOSITION.

  CAPTAIN SHANDY’S JUSTIFICATION OF HIS OWN PRINCIPLES AND CONDUCT, IN WISHING TO CONTINUE THE WAR. WRITTEN TO HIS BROTHER.

  MERCY.

  INDOLENCE.

  CONSOLATION.

  THE STARLING.

  THE CAPTIVE.

  THE DWARF.

  CHARITY.

  REFLECTIONS ON DEATH.

  PLEASURES OF OBSERVATION AND STUDY.

  FEELING AND BENEFICENCE.

  SLAVERY.

  OPPRESSION VANQUISHED.

  A SUBJECT FOR COMPASSION.

  COMPASSION.

  HAPPINESS.

  TRIBUTE OF AFFECTION.

  POWER OF SLIGHT INCIDENTS.

  CROSSES IN LIFE.

  THE CONTRAST.

  SELFISHNESS AND MEANNESS.

  VICE NOT WITHOUT USE.

  EFFECTS OF MISFORTUNE.

  YORICK’S OPINION OF GRAVITY.

  REFLECTION UPON MAN.

  REVENGE.

  EJACULATION.

  FATALITY.

  CONJUGAL HAPPINESS.

  LIFE.

  TRIM’S EXPLANATION OF THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT.

  HEALTH.

  LOVE.

  SOLITUDE.

  TRIBULATION.

  FRIENDSHIP.

  SOLITUDE.

  FLATTERY.

  PERFECTION.

  FORGIVENESS.

  FAVOURS.

  RUSTIC FELICITY.

  DIFFERENCE IN MEN.

  AGAINST HASTY OPINION.

  VANITY.

  AFFECTED HONESTY.

  AFFECTED PIETY.

  AFFECTED SANCTITY.

  OSTENTATIOUS GENEROSITY.

  OPINION.

  DEFAMATION,

  TYRANNY.

  RELIGION.

  ELOQUENCE.

  GENEROSITY.

  SOCIETY.

  DISSATISFACTION.

  SORROW AND HEAVINESS OF HEART.

  ROOTED OPINION NOT EASILY ERADICATED.

  DEATH.

  SORROW.

  SIMPLICITY.

  COVETOUSNESS.

  HUMILITY.

  PATIENCE AND CONTENTMENT.

  HUMILITY CONTRASTED WITH PRIDE.

  PRIDE.

  BEAUTY.

  WISDOM.

  HUNGER.

  DISTRESS.

  IMPOSTURE.

  CONTENTMENT.

  EVILS.

  OPPRESSION.

  VIRTUE AND VICE.

  SIN.

  SINCERITY.

  WISDOM.

  CORPORAL TRIM’S REFLECTIONS ON DEATH.

  MR. SHANDY’S RESIGNATION FOR THE LOSS OF HIS SON.

  TO HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY, JOSEPH THE SECOND, EMPEROR OF GERMANY.

  SIR,

  WHEN I compiled this little volume from the writings of one of the first ornaments of Britain, and of human genius, I did not look out long for a protector for the inestimable treasure. To whom, said all the powers of Feeling, kindling within me — to whom should these pages that breathe the spirit of humanity in such a supereminent degree be addressed, but to that illustrious Monarch whose benignity and unparalelled philanthropy has given a charm to every enlightened quarter of the universe!

  When your Majesty retires from the busy scenes of Royalty, to commune with nature and her eminent works, of which study your distinguished actions speak you an admirable proficient, this volume will prove itself an entertaining and excellent companion.

  I rejoice in this opportunity of testifying my respect for such transcendent goodness! and believe me to be with the most profound zeal,

  Sir,

  Your Majesty’s most Obedient, and most Devoted, Humble Servant, W. H.

  London,Feb. 13, 1782.

  PREFACE.

  A SELECTION of the Beauties of Sterne is what has been looked for by a number of his admirers for some time; well knowing they would form such a Volume as perhaps this, nor any other language, could equal. Indeed it was highly necessary on a particular score to make this selection: the chaste lovers of literature were not only deprived themselves of the pleasure and instruction so conspicuous in this magnificent assemblage of Genius, but their rising offspring, whose minds it would polish to the highest perfection were prevented from tasting the enjoyment likewise. The chaste part of the world complained so loudly of the obscenity which taints the writings of Sterne, (and, indeed, with some reason), that those readers under their immediate inspection were not suffered to penetrate beyond the title-page of his Tristram Shandy; — his Sentimental Journey, in some degree, escaped the general censure; though that is not entirely free of the fault complained of.

  To accommodate those who are strangers to the first of these works, I have, (I hope with some degree of judgment), extracted the most distinguished passages on which the sun of Genius shines so resplendent, that all his competitors, in his manner of writing, are lost in an eclipse of affectation and unnatural rhapsody. I intended to have arranged them alphabetically, till I found the stories of Le Fever, the Monk, and Maria, would be too closely connected for the feeling reader, and would wound the bosom of sensibility too deeply: I therefore placed them at a proper distance from each other. — I need not explain my motive for introducing the Sermon on the abuses of Conscience, with the effusions of humanity throughout it; every parent and governor, I believe, (unless a bigotted Papist), will thank me. — I wish I could insuse the pleasure that attended me in compiling this little work, into the breast of the reader, yet unacquainted with Sterne — as it is, I promise him, the hours he may devote to this great master of nature and the passions, will be marked with more felicity, than any, since genius led him to the love of letters.

  The Author’s opinion of many parts of the sacred writings may with truth be applied to a great part of his own, that there is to be found in them,

  “Sublime and noble passages, which, by the rules of sound criticism and reason, may be demonstrated to be truly eloquent and beautiful.”

  “There is something in them so thoroughly affecting, and so noble and sublime withal, that one might challenge the writings of the most celebrated orators of antiquity to produce any thing like them.”

  Before I conclude, I cannot help observing with an excellent writer, that,

  “there are minds upon which the rays of fancy may be pointed without effect, and which no fire of sentiment can agitate, or exalt.”

  — May such minds never violate the Beanties of Sterne; but let them be, while the virtues find sanctuary in the hearts of the amiable — their amusement only.

  W. H.

  ADVERTISEMENT.

  IT is necessary to acquaint the Reader, that the references in this volume are marked from the last elegant London edition of Mr. Sterne’s works in ten volumes. Price two Guineas.

  THE BEAUTIES OF STERNE.

  THE PRECEPTOR.

  YOU see ’tis high time, said my father, addressing himself equally to my uncle Toby and Yorick, to take this young creature out of these womens’ hands, and put him in
to those of a private governor.

  Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son, as the mirror in which he is to view himself from morning to night, and by which he is to adjust his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart; — I would have one, Yorick, if possible, polished at all points, fit for my child to look into.

  There is, continued my father, a certain mien and motion of the body and all its parts, both in acting and speaking, which argues a man wellwithin. There are a thousand unnoticed openings, continued my father, which let a penetrating eye at once into a man’s soul; and I maintain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay down his hat in coming into a room, — or take it up in going out of it, but something escapes, which discovers him.

  I will have him, continued my father, cheerful, faceté, jovial; at the same time, prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, acute, argute, inventive, quick in resolving doubts and speculative questions; — he shall be wise and judicious, and learned: — And why not humble, and moderate, and gentle tempered, and good? said Yorick; — And why not, cried my uncle Toby, free, and generous, and bountiful, and brave? — He shall, my dear Toby, replied my father, getting up and shaking him by his hand. — Then, brother Shandy, answered my uncle Toby, raising himself off the chair, and laying down his pipe to take hold of my father’s other hand, — I humbly beg I may recommend poor Le Fever’s son to you; — a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in my uncle Toby’s eye, — and another, the fellow to it, in the Coporal’s, as the proposition was made; — you will see why when you read Le Fever’s story.

  THE STORY OF LE FEVER.

  IT was some time in the summer of that year in which Dendermond was taken by the allies; when my uncle Toby was one evening getting his supper, with Trim sitting behind him at a small sideboard, — I say sitting — for in consideration of the Corporal’s lame knee (which sometimes gave him exquisite pain) — when my uncle Toby dined or supped alone he would never suffer the Corporal to stand; and the poor fellow’s veneration for his master was such, that with a proper artillery, my uncle Toby could have taken Dendermond itself, with less trouble than he was able to gain this point over him; for many a time when my uncle Toby supposed the Corporal’s leg was at rest, he would look back, and detect him standing behind him with the most dutiful respect: this bred more little squabbles betwixt them, than all other causes for five-and-twenty years together — But this is neither here nor there — why do I mention it? — Ask my pen, — it governs me, — I govern not it.