It's Raining Men

by Julie Hammerle

  “So you didn’t mean it?” His face darkened.

  “I…didn’t,” I said, “or, well, at least I didn’t think I did, but then I read some of the responses…”

  “Mine?”

  “Yeah.”

  An airplane sailed over us, and my breath caught in my chest as Rob stepped closer, probably just to hear me better. His fresh, soapy scent made its way to my nostrils, and I was transported back a million years to when he took me to his prom, where we swayed to “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band in the middle of the Notre Dame High School gym floor before leaving together and making out in his car in the alley next to Brooks Park.

  Now that guy, who’d been my first…not everything, but some things…was looking at me with fear and uncertainty, like he did that night so, so many years ago. I was pushing forty, but I could still so easily access those high school feelings. My brain kept them in a folder at the front of the old neural pathways filing cabinet.

  “And?” he said.

  “And, Rob…” I straightened my shoulders, preparing myself to give the speech I’d been practicing since I finished my pros and cons list yesterday. “I know we don’t know each other well as adults, but we do have history together. Our families have history together.” I paused, ready to drop the bombshell. Rob would either be open to it or would run away screaming. “I’m open to giving it a shot.”

  “Giving what a shot?”

  He was going to make me say it. “Like…” I swallowed. “Marriage.”

  He shot me a crooked smile that sent me back twenty years. “Well, you are almost forty.”

  “What?”

  Rob chewed his lower lip. “Didn’t we once, back when we were kids, agree to marry each other if we were both single at forty?” He grinned.

  I shook my head. “I don’t—”

  “I was probably about ten, so you were nine,” he said. “We kissed behind the big oak tree…”

  The memory came flooding back to me. We’d kissed in his backyard and vowed to be man and wife. Blood rushed to my cheeks.

  “You’re coming up on your fortieth birthday, aren’t you? In August?”

  “Oh my gosh, I am.” My cheeks flushed. I couldn’t believe this guy was actually on board with my ludicrous proposition. “Are we really seriously agreeing to this?”

  “Honestly, yeah. I’m willing, if you are.” He smiled nervously. “Your message the other night was like a sign from the universe. I’d just come home from another really bad first date, and—ping!—there was a text from Annie Kyle. It seemed like fate.” He reached for my hand, and I let him take it. His rough, hardworking hands felt like heaters against my ice-cold ones.

  “How do we do this?” I asked, grateful to actually have a partner in this—someone who hadn’t been completely scared off and horrified by my text, Dax.

  “We don’t have to rush into anything today. Let’s make a plan to go out—say we’re open to getting to know each other as adults.” He chuckled. “You know, at least a little bit, before we head over to the church and talk to Fr. Paul—or get our mothers involved, for that matter.”

  A large truck barreled down Touhy Avenue, just two houses down from my mom’s place, shaking the ground below my feet.

  Rob’s hand caught my elbow. “What do you say?”

  I gazed up at him, Rob Casey, with his soulful blue eyes and mature crinkles on his ruddy, Irish skin. He was a man who owned his own business and cared deeply for his mother—and mine, for that matter. I didn’t know him well as an adult, but I did know that he was a bit of a homebody who enjoyed watching sports and hanging out with his friends at the local pubs.

  I…could actually see myself getting used to all that.

  I could imagine our wedding—officiated by Fr. Paul, the priest to whom I’d made my first confession. (I had crumpled up my little brother’s prized possession—a two-dollar bill—and I’d been certain I had boarded the Hell Express for that.) I could see us at our reception afterward, Kelly, my now-matron of honor, giving a toast and explaining how Rob and I got together. “He was the boy next door,” Kelly would say, “and after Annie sent him an embarrassing text, Rob didn’t make fun of her. He told her it was okay and that he’d thought the text was fate’s way of telling him to go for it.”

  That wouldn’t be so bad.

  “Okay,” I said, squeezing his hand. “Okay, let’s do it. Let’s go out and see what happens.”

  “Excellent.” A smile of relief spread across his face. “Why don’t you check your schedule and text me later to set up a date.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  Rob, still holding my hands, pulled me closer, leaned down, and kissed me softly on the cheek. My insides fluttered, as they used to when I was a young girl who had a bit of a crush on her slightly older next-door neighbor.

  “Oh my goodness!”

  The spell broken, I dropped Rob’s hands and spun around. My mom stood on the top step, looking down at us from just outside her back door. Her hand had gone to her lips, and her eyes glistened with tears.

  “Oh my goodness,” she said again, “I knew it! You’re in love!”

  Chapter Eleven

  Lavish Display of Ignorance

  Welp. I supposed our mothers were now involved.

  While I knew this arrangement with Rob was what I wanted, the amount of delight my mom displayed at seeing Rob and me together dizzied me. It pressurized the whole situation. She’d hummed and buzzed as she put out the food for our Saturday lunch.

  “You and Robbie,” she kept saying like it was her new mantra.

  “Mom, we’re going on a date. A date. As in ‘one.’ As in ‘don’t get your hopes up’—or Mrs. Casey’s, for that matter.”

  No doubt my mom would scurry right over to her best friend with this salacious gossip as soon as my car left the driveway. My mom would get over the potential disappointment of me not marrying Rob, but Mrs. Casey didn’t need that kind of stress on her already taxed system.

  “You and Robbie.” Her unfocused eyes gazed out at the backyard, and I knew she was picturing a bridal shower with all her relatives and church friends.

  “We barely know each other,” I said. “Stop planning our wedding.” Though that was where all this was headed, wasn’t it? Rob and me spending time together was just a formality before we made it official? My mind raced. Two days ago, I’d been alone and sad and drunk. Today, I had a guy—a very nice, attractive, professional, and age-appropriate guy—who wanted to marry me.

  My mom pinched my cheek. “This is how it happens, though.” She took her seat at the table and placed her napkin on her lap.

  I passed her the container of macaroni salad from Tony’s Deli in an attempt to end this ridiculous conversation. If we crammed food into our mouths, at the very least it’d slow down the dialogue a bit.

  My mom waved me off. “None of that for me. I’m on a diet now.”

  “What?” I said, wrinkling my nose. “You love Tony’s macaroni salad, and, besides, you don’t need to lose any weight, Mom.”

  “I sure do, if I’m going to look good in wedding photos.” She hacked off a sliver of submarine sandwich about the width of my thumb. “This doesn’t have any oil on it, does it?” She appraised the sandwich critically.

  “Oh good lord, Mother. You need to stop this nonsense.” I shoved a quarter of my sandwich into my mouth and stared out the window. I had to eat my lunch and get out of there. This was why I never discussed my private life with my mom. There was no such thing as “just a date” or a “casual relationship.” Every man I met was potential marriage material; every innocent interaction represented an opportunity for lasting love. And this time she wouldn’t be alone in her gossiping and theorizing. This time she’d have her BFF on board, equally invested in seeing me and Rob coupled up.

  This would be a disaster.r />
  …

  On Friday afternoon, Gayle Gale came in masked up and wearing disposable gloves. She’d even wrapped a cashmere scarf around her neck, despite the eighty-degree summer weather. “My throat feels scratchy, Annie.”

  “Let’s see.” I mimed removing the scarf, and Gayle did so. I felt her neck. “I’m not feeling anything on the outside. Your lymph nodes aren’t swollen, so that’s a good thing.” I grabbed my tongue depressor and flashlight. “Let’s check out the inside.” She pulled down her mask, and I flashed my light around. I pulled away and made a note on my chart.

  She replaced her mask and her scarf. “What do you think? My husband and I just had dinner with my brother, who got back from a trip overseas last week. I heard there’s a new flu...”

  “I’m not concerned,” I told her. “Your throat looks irritated, but that could be from overuse or allergies.”

  “I’ve never had allergies.”

  I wrote her a note on my pad for some over-the-counter remedies. “People can develop new sensitivities later in life, and with the changing climate, I’m seeing more and more of it. Plus, I think that these days, we’re all just a little more hyperaware of how we’re feeling.” Smiling reassuringly, I handed her the paper. “Try this and see if you feel better. Drink some hot water with honey and lemon to soothe the throat. With no other symptoms, I think it’s most likely a combination of the weather and your job.” I smiled at her. “You do have to talk a lot, professionally.”

  “That’s true. Thanks, Annie.” She glanced at the paper and tucked it into her purse. “I’m sorry to bother you with this.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” I led her toward the door. “I’m glad you called. Allergies are frustrating and present symptoms that can be scary, especially when you’re already on the lookout for things like coughs and sore throats. Try the over-the-counter stuff, a little vocal rest, and we’ll go from there. If anything changes, do not hesitate to call me.”

  “Never do.”

  “And keep taking your blood pressure medication.”

  She saluted me.

  I opened the door and found Darius standing in the middle of the common area, leaning against the desk, checking his phone. My stomach lurched. He, too, had been on the text, though he hadn’t responded. I guessed a guy like him received goofy messages every day from desperate women trying to get his attention. What was one more?

  “Hello, Darius.” Gayle swanned across the room and gave her coworker a friendly peck on the cheek. “What are you doing here?”

  “Following up on my interview with Annie.” He winked at me behind dark-rimmed glasses that made him look like Clark Kent, barely concealing his Superman alter ego.

  I glanced at my watch. Crap. I had told him to stop by. And, oh shit, he probably wanted to mention that text in his story about me. That had to be it.

  Jen and the cameraman had set up in one of the exam rooms, where Tina, in an elaborate outfit—complete with a fascinator—perched on the table.

  “Well, good luck, everyone.” Gayle waved and left the office.

  My legs like lead, I ushered Darius into the exam room with the camera, where we found Tina musing about finding her best light while Jen and the cameraman ignored her.

  “Hi, Annie,” Jen said brightly but authoritatively. “This shouldn’t take long. We only want to get a little video coverage of you interacting with your ‘patient.’” She put that word in air quotes.

  “Great.” This I could do. I understood my motivation. I had to pretend to perform my duties on Tina—just run through my usual checklist of items. I tried to ignore Darius’s looming presence on the guest chair just inside the door or the potential reaction of my patients when they found out about the drunken and desperate text their doctor had sent to most of the men in her contact list.

  At least I’d somehow had the good sense, even in my intoxicated stupor, not to solicit any of my patients. Thank the universe for small favors.

  I stepped over to Tina and listened to her heart with my stethoscope.

  “What do you think, Doctor? Will I make it?” Tina asked dramatically, her lip quivering.

  “Nope,” I told her. “You have minutes to live. If you’re lucky.”

  A tear formed in the corner of her eye.

  “Maybe I was wrong about you,” I said. “Maybe you actually do have acting chops.”

  “You doubted me?” Tina’s eyes went wide.

  “Never.” I checked out her eyes, ears, and throat.

  After I got through testing Tina’s reflexes and checking her lymph nodes, Jen called cut. “I think that’s plenty,” she said, peering into the camera as it played back the footage. “Thanks, Annie. That’s a wrap.”

  “Great.” I removed my lab coat and felt a cold breeze under my arms. My pits had sweated through my button-down. Super. I pressed my arms tight against my sides as I stepped over to Darius. “Jen thinks she got enough.” My upper arm still stuck to my side, I stiffly offered him my hand, and he shook it, holding on for a few beats too long.

  “She has, but I’m not quite finished with you,” he said, a sly grin spreading across his lips.

  My stomach plummeted. Here it came.

  “Can we talk for a second?” he asked. “In your office? I just have a few follow-up questions. No camera necessary.”

  “Sure,” I croaked. My mouth had gone dry. I put my lab coat back on to hide my pit stains as I led Darius across the common area to my office.

  I shut the door, and the two of us took the same seats we had the other day when he’d come in to interview me the first time.

  “I’m happy to answer any of your questions,” I said brightly. “I’m sure you have many about the practice—”

  “I’m not here to talk about that.” Darius, eyes down on the desk, pointedly pushed my stapler a centimeter closer to me. “I got your text message the other night.”

  Crap, crappity, crap, crap.

  “Please don’t say anything about that in your segment. It could ruin me. Please. I’m begging you.”

  He took off his glasses and wiped them on a handkerchief. “I’m not going to include that in the piece.”

  “You’re not?”

  “Of course not. That’s not my style.” He placed the Clark Kent glasses back on his face.

  “Okay…thanks.” I let out a sigh of relief until I remembered that this conversation wasn’t over. He’d brought me in here specifically to talk about the text. “Is there…anything else?”

  “Yeah…” He shot me a more muted, slyer version of his high-wattage smile. “I’ve been thinking a lot about that text the past few days.”

  My stomach sank into my feet as a wave of nervousness rolled through me. “You have?”

  He touched my stapler again, this time moving it back to where it had been in the first place. “I think it’s a great idea.”

  “Yeah?” Ice flowed through my veins. I instinctively glanced at the door, looking for Jen or the cameraman. This had to be a prank. I was on Punk’d. Or Darius had been tricky when he said he wouldn’t use the text. Maybe he wouldn’t use it in the official piece about my practice, but he’d save it for some gotcha segment for the news program that would paint me, an accomplished doctor, as a pathetic, man-hungry old maid.

  “Yeah.” His grin expanded this time, fully revealing that set of perfect teeth—gleamingly white and straight. “You put it right out there, no mincing words—‘I’m sick of playing games.’ I thought it was refreshing and brave.”

  He was messing with me. This Grown Man—capital letters—in a suit with a pocket square was screwing with me right now.

  “And I think,” he said, shrugging. “Let’s do it. Let’s get married.”

  Chapter Twelve

  The You Got It, Dudes

  “Let’s get…married?”

 
“I know what you’re thinking, and I know we just met,” Darius said, “but I’m a very decisive person, and you and I could be good together.” He smiled confidently, even through this ridiculous conversation. “Maybe dropping ‘marriage’ into our second conversation ever seems a bit out there, but I think ultimately we’re looking for similar things.”

  He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and pulled up the text message. Goodie. He’d saved it.

  “The part where you said you make a ton of money and if that scares you, that’s your problem.” He glanced up at me, his brown eyes soft. “Women aren’t intimidated by my job,” he said. “Generally, it gets me in the door, so to speak. But it ends up being the thing that drives a wedge through my relationships—I never know if someone wants me because of me or because of who I am, what I have, and what they believe I can do for them.” He frowned.

  Maybe Darius had a point. He and I had high-powered, well-paying jobs, and that did affect other people’s behavior when they were around us. He and I were kind of in the same boat.

  “My thing’s a little different,” I said. “My job does often get me through the door, like you said, but it usually ends there.”

  I recalled one of my most recent first dates—the one where the guy kept trying to trick me into saying how much I made, like all he wanted was to know that he brought home more than a female doctor.

  “Usually, in my experience, the guy spends the entire date either explaining to me why I shouldn’t make as much as I do or trying to prove that he’s superior to me in some way.”

  “Buffoons,” Darius said.

  I chuckled—this time from actual, genuine relief. It was nice to talk to someone who at least kind of knew where I was coming from and who had the same issues of trust when it came to meeting new people. “They are buffoons.”

  “So.” He rested his large, perfectly manicured hands on the edge of my desk. “What do you think?”

  My mouth dried up. “Well, I’m intrigued.”