Wrong to Love You: Strong Brothers Book 3

by Ajme Williams

  "Yes, thank you, Reggie." I waited until Reggie escorted Tanner out to the backyard.

  My hands were shaking as I walked over and sat on the couch and tried to sort my thoughts in a way that Carter might understand. But the truth was that there was no way for him to understand my choices. They had been bad choices. Choices that explained would only serve to hurt him more. But he deserved the truth, so that's what I would give him.

  "When I first saw you at your dad's house, I was surprised and confused and didn't know how to say anything at that point. And then after that I was worried about your reaction. Would you be angry? Would you believe me? Would you abandon Tanner —"

  It was hard to imagine Carter could look angrier than he already did, but his face reddened. "You really think so little of me? You think that I would abandon my own son? I was ready to give you the fucking world just. Having a son would've been perfection. Everything I ever wanted."

  I looked down. "You told Noah that you had no intentions of ever getting married or having a family."

  When Carter didn't say anything right away, I looked up at him, and his face was contorted into confusion, as if he didn't remember ever saying that.

  Finally, he looked at me and said, "Even if that were true, that doesn't give you the right to keep my son from me."

  "Maybe not, but I was thinking of Tanner."

  "You think I'm the sort of man that would just walk away from his responsibilities?"

  "No, I don't think you're a man who will walk away from his responsibilities. But Tanner deserves more than a father who is simply there because of duty."

  I could see the tension radiating on Carter as he started to pace, clearly not liking my words.

  He stopped and glared at me. "Who are you? Because the woman I met four years ago would never accuse me of the things you seem to think I am today. Everything I have done with you since seeing you again is the complete opposite of what you think I am. And so, the only thing I can think is that you were either not yourself four years ago and the woman I fell in love with doesn't exist, or you've changed."

  I grappled with what I should tell him. In the end I figured at this point the only thing I could do was go with the truth. He deserved that after everything I put him through. "Sometimes I don't recognize myself either."

  He continued to glare at me with his hands on his hips. "What the hell does that mean?"

  "I wanted everything that you are offering me, Carter. But I was afraid, so I held back. And that fear hurt you and Tanner. The longer it went on, the worse I knew it would be when you found out. And then it just wasn't the anger you might feel at my not telling you sooner about Tanner, but it was the fear that you would take him away from me."

  He stared at me and then it was as if all the air had gone out of him. He sank down onto a chair putting his elbows on his knees and resting his head in his hands. "I don't understand how you can possibly think that I'm the type of man that would do that. I don't remember ever doing or saying anything that would make you think that I would take a child from his mother. Jesus, I lost my mother as a child, I know what that's like."

  God. I had totally forgotten that. "I was acting selfishly from my own sense of fear. It has nothing to do with you and how you've behaved. I was blinded by my own fears."

  He let out a breath and then he looked at me hard with hard eyes. "I'm not going to take him from you, but I'm not going to let you keep me from seeing him."

  I shook my head. "Of course not. I want you in his life. But you have to be in his life."

  "There you go again, assuming that I'm going to be some sort of deadbeat dad."

  "I'm sorry. It's just that he means everything to me. I care about you Carter. I really do hate that about me, but despite everything Tanner has to come first. And if that hurt your feelings, I'm sorry."

  He shook his head. "I really thought you were the one."

  My heart sank and tears came to my eyes at the reminder of what I was losing. I’d had everything I wanted right at my fingertips and I screwed it up so badly.

  "How about we start by going to the park?" I suggested, deciding that the conversation was only going to loop into circles where I would say things that hurt Carter.

  Carter nodded. "I'd like that." Then he cocked his head. "He doesn't know, does he?"

  I rose on unsteady legs. "No, he doesn't."

  Carter's anger dissipated, replaced with apprehension. "What if he doesn't like me? Maybe he's thinking Kevin —"

  I held up my hand to stop him. "Kevin means nothing to me or him. Last night was just a friendly dinner. I'd never met him before and I'm not going to see him again."

  Carter seemed to accept that. "What does he know about his father?"

  "I've been fortunate that so far he hasn't really asked about it, so I haven't told him anything." But I wanted Carter to know that when the time came that I would have told him the truth. "But when he did ask, I was going to tell him about the gentle, kind, and adventurous man I had met on a cruise to Mexico. I was going to tell him about you, Carter. I’d explain that I didn't know where you were and that you didn't know where I was." I didn't want him to think that I was going to blame him for being gone.

  "Thank you."

  It seemed like a silly thing for him to thank me for, but I suppose he was reeling. I’d had nine months to prepare to be a mom, and then three years of actually being a mom. Carter was getting it all in one lump sum.

  I went over to the sliding door, pulling it open. "Hey Tanner, do you want to go to the park?"

  "Yay." Tanner came running over. "Can we get an ice cream too?"

  "Maybe, we'll see. It's still early in the day."

  Tanner came running in and stopped short when he saw Carter. "Are you coming to the park too?"

  Carter squatted down and I could see all the love and emotion welling inside him. I both marveled at it and felt broken-hearted that I had been so selfish for so long.

  "Yes, if that's alright with you."

  "It's all right with me."

  "Tanner, before we go, there's something that I need to talk to you about." I sat on the edge of the coffee table and reached out to take his hand. I had practiced different ways to tell Carter that he was a father, but I hadn't considered how to tell Tanner about Carter being his father. Did I just blurt it out? Did I let Carter do it?

  "You know how some kids that we've met at the park have a mommy and daddy?" I asked Tanner.

  "Yeah. I just have a mommy," Tanner said.

  "Well, actually that's not true. Everybody has a mommy and daddy, it's just that sometimes they aren’t always able to be together." I shook my head because I knew I was doing this all wrong, especially as Tanner looked at me quizzically. I didn’t chance a glance at Carter because I couldn't imagine what he was thinking.

  "The point is Tanner, you do have a daddy."

  "I do?" Tanner's eyes glanced briefly at Carter and then back at me.

  "Yes, you do. And he's just like you. He's kind and fun and very handsome." I wasn't sure how Carter would take the handsome bit, but I figured Tanner would like it. "Tanner, baby, this is your daddy. Carter is your daddy."

  Tanner glanced over Carter, who was still squatted down to Tanner's eye level. "Hi Tanner."

  I could see that there was so much going on inside Carter, but either he couldn't figure out what to say or do, or he was simply letting Tanner take the lead.

  Tanner's brows knitted together as he studied Carter. "How come you weren’t here?"

  I saw the pain flash in Carter's eyes.

  "Carter didn't know about you, baby. I tried to find him, but I couldn't. If he'd known, he would've been here," I said looking at Carter hoping that he knew that I believed that.

  "If you knew about me, you'd be here?" Tanner asked Carter.

  "Absolutely, Tanner. I wish I had known sooner because I really wanted to be here. And from now on I will be. I promise."

  "Are you going to come live with us now? B
ecause mommies and daddies live together."

  Carter glanced at me and I wasn't sure what his expression was trying to tell me, but I knew that I had missed the opportunity for us to be a family.

  "Well, not all mommies and daddies live together, Tanner. Remember the little girl Sarah that we met at the park? Remember, her daddy brings her there when it's her turn to be at his house?" I said, taking the pressure off Carter.

  Tanner thought for a moment and nodded. "Will I stay at your house sometimes?"

  "I would like that very much, if you would,” Carter said.

  "What kind of house do you have? Does it have toys?" Tanner asked. He moved closer to me and I could see that while he was intrigued at having a daddy, he was a little bit nervous about the prospect of going to stay with a man he didn't know.

  "I have a huge house perfect for playing hide-and-seek. And I have a pool too. I don't have any toys yet, but I will get some."

  "I can show you the toys that I have that I like," Tanner said to him as if he was trying to be helpful.

  Carter smiled and it reminded me of how much he and Tanner were like. "That would be a big help to me because I want to get you the toys that you would enjoy playing with."

  "Does anybody else live over at your house?" Tanner asked. I wasn't sure what he was thinking by asking that question.

  "Nope, it's just me and my house. But I do have family here in San Diego. I've got three brothers who I know are going to think the world of you, just like I do. And I have a dad, he's your grandfather, and he's going to be so happy to meet you, Tanner. And I even have a grandmother, which makes her your great-grandmother, and she's going to love you too."

  Tanner's eyes rounded into saucers. "That many people?"

  Carter smiled. "Yes. You now have a lot more people in your family. A lot more people who love you."

  Tanner's brows knitted together again. "Are there any kids?"

  Carter laughed and I smiled, loving how well they were getting along even in this awkward meeting.

  "You're the only kid so far. But my brother Ryan and his wife Kellie are going to have a baby pretty soon."

  "Will it be a boy or girl?" Tanner asked.

  Carter shrugged. "You know, I don't know."

  "When will I get to see them?" Tanner asked.

  Carter looked up at me briefly. "Really soon, Tanner. Really soon."

  29

  Carter

  I wasn't sure how I was still standing because it felt like the ground had crumbled out from under my feet. I had never been so swamped and overwhelmed by emotion.

  I was a father.

  In looking at this little boy, I could see parts of me and parts of Jess in him. I could tell that he was perfect.

  At the same time, my heart broke at how much I'd missed. I hadn't been there to watch Jess's belly swell as he grew inside her. I missed the day he was born. I wasn't allowed the opportunity to be tired waking up in the middle of the night to help Jess with him. I didn't get to help him take his first steps.

  But I couldn't get caught up in everything that I'd missed. I had to focus on the here and now and being the best father that I could be to Tanner.

  As much as I was elated and looking forward to being a father, I was equally as hurt and angry at Jess. It wasn't just that she denied me knowing about Tanner. It was that she seemed to think that I was the sort of man who would reject her and Tanner, especially after everything I’d done to try and convince her to give me a chance.

  She told me that she had wanted everything that I'd offered, but had been afraid. So, her rejection of me wasn't because she didn't care about me, but more that she was worried how I would respond to Tanner. But how could she care for me if she thought I was the type of man who wouldn't be happy to have her and him in my life?

  I imagined my grandmother would say something to the effect that I'd only known her for a week, and then had four years to build her up in my mind. She’d probably even tell me that it was unfair to Jess to have elevated her to such heights that she couldn’t possibly live up to it.

  Even so. She could have told me about Tanner.

  Now that I knew, I suppose there could be a chance for Jess and I, but I didn’t know how I could get over the fact that she'd kept him from me. That she felt that I was the sort of man who would abandon his son or on the opposite end of the spectrum, take her son away from her.

  But whether Jess and I ever reconciled, didn't change the fact that she and I would have to get along because there was no way that I wasn't going to be a part of this little boy's life. I could already imagine the trips that he and I would take. There were so many parts of the world that I wanted to show him. And then there was time I wanted him to spend with my family.

  I wondered how much time I would be able to get with him, and then had to consider that maybe part of the reason Jess kept him from me was that she didn't want to share. When he was with me, he wouldn't be with her, and up until now, she had had all the time.

  I looked over at the little boy who was studying me. I wondered what was going through his head now. I hoped he wasn't angry at me for not being here sooner. He didn't look angry. Mostly he looked intrigued.

  I knew that I loved him already, but I wondered how long it would take before he felt the same about me.

  "When we go to the park, daddy, will you push me on the swing?"

  I couldn’t imagine my heart swelling any larger than it already was, but to hear him call me daddy was beyond anything I'd ever felt before.

  I cleared my throat of the emotion clogging there. "Yes, of course." I looked up at Jess.

  Her eyes had filled with tears, and I hoped that they were tears of being touched by the scene playing out in front of her, and not tears of having to share her son with me.

  "Should we go to the park then?" Jess said, wiping her tears and standing up.

  We walked out the door to get into the car.

  "I know you don't like my car, but I’ll drive since the car seat is in there."

  I nodded, and it occurred to me that Tanner was probably the reason she turned down the convertible that I tried to give her. God that felt like a lifetime ago.

  She didn't like that I'd offered her a car, but if she was going to be driving my son around, I wanted her to do it in something safe. So, when I bought her the next car, I was going to make sure she took it. Perhaps that was chauvinistic of me, but I would hate to think of them broken down on a road somewhere at night.

  It wasn't far to the park and when we got there, Tanner took my hand and pulled me toward the swings. What an amazing feeling it was to have my son hold my hand and look at me like I was the king of the world.

  I helped him onto the swing and made sure that he held tight as I pushed him. All of a sudden, worry spread through me. What if he fell?

  "Higher, daddy, higher," Tanner called.

  I didn't want to push him higher. For the first time in my life, the swings seemed like a death trap.

  "Higher," Tanner called again.

  I looked for Jess who was sitting at a picnic table not far away. She gave me a little nod, which I took to mean he could go a little bit higher. So, I gave him a gentle push.

  He swung for a little bit and I was relieved when he was done. He ran over to the slide and I stayed at the bottom as he climbed to the top and then slid down straight into my arms. I couldn't remember ever feeling so fucking happy. Well, that's not completely true. I was this happy in Mexico four years ago. And from that happiness, this wonderful child had been made.

  Perhaps I was biased, but Tanner was an amazing child. He was precocious and clever. He had an inquisitive mind and an adventurous spirit. And when I got a splinter in my finger from the picnic table when we sat to take a rest, he showed a great deal of compassion and concern.

  As angry as I was at Jess, I had to give her credit for being a single mother in raising such a wonderful little boy.

  Jess was able to get the splinter out of my finger, a
nd it took every ounce of my willpower to keep from letting the feel of her hands on mine fog my brain. I couldn't afford to let my feelings take over again.

  Tanner was climbing on the jungle gym and I was doing my best to keep underneath him in case he fell, when Jess's phone rang. I didn't dare look over at her to see what the call was about because I didn't want Tanner to fall.

  "We need to finish up here," Jess said as she came to stand with me at the jungle gym.

  "Why?" I asked.

  "I don't want to go, mommy," Tanner said hanging precariously from a bar. I scrambled to get under him.

  "I was just given a new physical therapy client and he is being released from the hospital today. They’d like me to come by."

  I frowned. “Who watches Tanner when you're working?"

  "Reggie usually does. She works from home. It's a good situation for both of us because she needed a roommate to help with her mortgage, and a little extra money, which she gets by babysitting Tanner."

  I just met my son, and wasn't ready to leave his side. "I can watch him."

  The hesitation in Jess's eyes increased my anger.

  "You don't think I can do it?"

  "It's not that I don't think you can do it, Carter. It's that Tanner has only just met you. He might be uncomfortable going with you because he doesn't know you very well yet."

  I still had one eye on Tanner as I glared at her. "It's not my fault that he doesn't know me. And he won't know me if I don’t get to spend time with him."

  "Catch me daddy."

  I looked up and all of a sudden, he let go of the bar and he was dropping down. It felt like it had to be 100 feet, but he was barely just above my head. I caught him and pulled him to me. I was about to scold him because he scared the shit out of me, but he looped his arms around my neck and laughed. "That was fun."

  "I think he gets that adventurous spirit from you," Jess said next to me.

  "I don't want to go home, mommy," Tanner said, wiggling his way out of my arms and down to the ground again. "Can't I stay here with daddy?"

  I looked to Jess, arching a brow at her. "Actually, maybe you would like to go with me to meet your grandfather. He lives at the beach. We could make sand castles."