Jacaranda Wife

by Smith, Kendra

  ‘How’s Lucy?’ Katie was determined to keep the conversation neutral.

  ‘She’s fine, obsessed with finding a house though, become her -’

  ‘Dream?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Adam shrugged his shoulders. ‘I’d be happy to stay in London a little longer, but she wants to -’

  ‘She wants to move out to the country?’

  He nodded, then looked sideways at her. Katie felt a tremendous thud in her heart, like someone just placed a two tonne stone on it. Not sure I can breathe.

  ‘Amazing here, isn’t it? I can see why you love it.’ He took a swig of his beer.

  She opened her mouth to explain that she didn’t love it, that in fact seeing him and Lucy had made her so homesick it almost hurt, when he turned to smile at her. ‘Looks like you’ve taken some of the sea life with you,’ he murmured and reached over to her hair, pulling a tiny piece of seaweed out. She was mesmerised. She watched as his arm went across her body, his forearm gently brushed her breast and she felt an electric shock go through her spine. She froze as he fixed his eyes on her, looking down at her clearly erect nipples. Her breasts seemed to be larger than normal, straining in her bikini, they were so sensitive at the moment, thought Katie, shuddering at the sensation.

  Her heart was in her mouth, she felt a thumping in her chest and felt herself redden. Tell him you are happily married.

  Oh God, he is even better looking than I remember, she thought. His hair a thick dark thatch of mahogany curls, eyes like melted chocolate with the most enormous eyelashes. He had tiny dimples in his cheeks when he smiled. He was leaning in really close by then, his left hand had slipped around her back and he was drawing tiny circles across her shoulder blades, started tugging at her swimsuit clasp. I don’t seem to be stopping him, Katie realised.

  ‘God, you are beautiful, Katie. I’d forgotten how mu -’

  ‘Adam, don’t …’ she caught her breath; couldn’t speak.

  ‘How come I never really noticed before? I love your hair like this, tied back, shows off your eyes …’

  ‘Adam, listen … we …’

  Just then, the clip to her swimsuit came loose and the straps fell down on one side. My head is so light, and my heart is thundering like I’ve just run a marathon. Katie swallowed hard, try to focus on the moment. She could smell beer on his breath as the late afternoon sun warmed her cheek. I have never been so close to anyone in life for such a long time except Tom …

  Tenderly, Adam cupped his hand round the back of her neck and pulled her towards him. The sun was sun beating down on her face; it’s so warm, his hands are so soft … Katie melted under his touch. I want my swimsuit to move, she thought, I want to pull down the top of it to expose my breasts, to feel the air on them, watch as my nipples harden to his touch, she thought. He leant back, stared at them, then slowly traced a line from them up to her mouth.

  God, this feels good. I want to be wanted by a man, she thought, arching her back, not like Tom at the moment, so distant, too tired to see how I am, see how much I need … need what? For someone to desire me. Katie was shocked how much she did want Adam to slip his hands around her waist, to tug at her swimsuit, feel her wet skin under his touch, to feel his chest against hers, to feel that warm dewy breath against her cheek and the tingling sensation all over her body as he parted his mouth, kissed her on the cheek, while his right hand held her firmly in the small of her back. I want to feel all those things, Katie sighed. I want him to kiss me, thought Katie, whilst she heard her breathing getting heavier and heavier.

  Tom’s deceived me, hasn’t he, with those immigration papers … Adam has always made it clear he has a soft spot for me …

  Suddenly she pulled away. What am I doing? I can’t do this to Lucy, to my marriage, to Tom.

  ‘Adam, we shouldn’t -’

  ‘It’s my fault,’ he said abruptly standing up; he seemed to realise where he was and what he’d done. ‘It’s the sun, the sea, this place, I don’t know,’ he said shaking his head. ‘I’ve had too many beers, Katie, I’m so sorry ... but, you know, you just don’t realise it, never have - you’re just so beautiful.’

  I might be wrong, thought Katie, sitting in sun and watching as he strode away, feeling her heart thud against her chest and her cheeks burn, but there seemed to be tears in his eyes.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Putting the phone back in her bag, she looked around. They were crossing the Harbour Bridge. The car was silent. Andy had gone to sleep and James was looking out of the window at the Opera House. The mood was reflective - Tom gazing ahead. She stared at her reflection in her hand mirror and wiped away a dribble of mascara running down her face. Why was she crying? Sad to have said goodbye to Lucy? Because of what nearly happened with Adam? The tangle of thoughts in her brain was beyond teasing into a single, cohesive line, so she played a little game with herself to distract her – she thought of the first things that came to mind with each letter of the alphabet.

  A: airport, airbag … Adam ... What have I done, what did I nearly do? Katie put her hand to her mouth. But you can hardly blame me, thought Katie, with Tom acting so distant ... B: briefs/big pants, breast pad, C: Crisis? D: dishes, diving … E: Egg, soft boiled, soldiers; F: Fairy bread; G: Guilty … Katie shook her head and thought about the airport again, the teary goodbyes, the confused looks between her and Adam; how polite they had been to each other, the sadness Katie felt at seeing her best friend go, but the realisation that it was absolutely necessary.

  It’s been all too brief, she thought. It’s hard to shovel into 10 days an overwhelming life experience. At least Lucy has the map co-ordinates of my new life now: the school, a few days on the coast; our wildlife in the garden … my kitchen where I wipe up spilt orange squash, fold laundry, stare at the frangipani trees in the garden and swat flies away.

  The hardest part is not knowing when we will see each other again – do I mean Lucy or Adam, Katie thought, with a sigh.

  ‘You OK?’

  ‘Fine!’ she jumped. Could he read my mind? She stared out the window and considered the snow flurry of thoughts landing on her mind, then slowly melting into her subconscious.

  ‘Hey, let’s do anything you want this afternoon,’ he said. ‘It’s been tough saying goodbye.’

  Tougher than you know, thought Katie, forcing a smile.

  ‘What about shopping?’

  She nodded again, unable to speak. Suddenly they passed an electrical shop and Tom pulled over abruptly.

  ‘Excellent! Let’s buy a hoover!’ he said. ‘The house is a tip, you need some help!’

  In the window display was a huge sign exclaiming that hoovers were on special offer. Walking inside, they spotted a whole array of vacuum cleaners of various makes and sizes. A man with greasy hair and a thin grey tie with a badge proclaiming ‘call me Mark’ came up and asked if they needed any help. He wasn’t wearing shorts.

  ‘Hi, we want to buy a hoover.’ Tom smiled at him.

  ‘We don’t have any of those, I’m afraid,’ he said scratching his chin and Katie watched as a bit of dead skin fluttered to the floor. Looking back up at him, she blinked. They were quite clearly staring at a whole row of Hoovers. She glanced at him sideways. Katie tried to be nice, but felt irritated, queasy and a bit hungry. ‘I am looking at a whole line of them, um, Mark,’ she peered at his badge, ‘and you are telling me you haven’t any?’

  Tom stared at her, brushed down his shirt and coughed nervously.

  ‘We do not have any Hoover brand vacuum cleaners, if that is what you mean,’ he replied with a little sniff, motioning to Katie.

  Ah, so that’s what happens when you are forced to fly 10,000 miles from home, Katie realised, feeling the colour drain from her face. Tom explained that they needed a vacuum cleaner and then, suddenly, all Katie could see was a very peculiar silver light as she fell straight down to the floor.

  *

  Someone is talking to me, thought Katie. She was being shaken by the shoulder and out
of her reverie. I can see kangaroos, they are leaping in a field. No, wait, all the kangaroos have human faces, one’s Tom, then there’s me, my mother. But there’s another one, a tiny kangaroo. They are saying something, there’s a soothing voice, suddenly the smell of Dettol. ‘Katie. Can you look at me …?’ it was that voice again.

  Opening her eyes, she then screwed them back up again: it’s terribly bright in here, wherever I am, she thought. She stared up at huge neon strip lights, blinked and peered at a man next to her. He was in a white coat and was staring at her.

  ‘Just going to look into your eyes, OK?’ he said shining a yellow light into her eyes. She noticed the hairs in his nostrils – a few were greying. He moved back, glanced at her notes – ‘Do you have a very sore head?’ She nodded. Why does he have an Australian accent? Oh yes. I am in Australia.

  Suddenly Tom appeared. ‘Darling, are you alright?’

  ‘What happened?’ her voice was croaky. ‘You fainted. In the shop. I called an ambulance - you hit your head on a Dyson really hard on the way down.’

  ‘Dyson?’ said Katie, confused. ‘I want a Hoover …’

  The doctor asked Tom to move away for a minute. ‘Running a few blood tests,’ he said calmly, ‘but while we’re waiting - few questions, Katherine, alright, then I’ll look at the scan results of your head and your blood tests alright? Now, alright? What day is it?’

  Alright? What day? What day? Huh? Oh yes, easy. Friday. I know what he’s up to, realised Katie. He is trying to see if I still have all my faculties. He asked her name. ‘Who is the prime minister?’

  ‘D-D-avid Cameron …’ was on the tip of her tongue, when she caught sight of the eucalyptus trees fluttering in the breeze just outside the window. She froze. Stared at Tom, eyes wide. Oh God, will I be institutionalised because I cannot remember the name of the Australian prime minister, she panicked. Looking at the clock on the wall, she stared at the second hand.

  ‘Katherine?’

  After what seemed to be an age ‘Julia Gillard’ came out of her mouth. She felt triumphant. She had read about her on the plane, first female prime minister. Bet she doesn’t wear elastic tracksuit bottoms, thought Katie, with a sigh. Sharp white suit jackets, from what I remember of her photos.

  Holding the X-ray scan of her head in front of a light box, the doctor turned to them. ‘Looks fine,’ he said. Thank God you can’t really look inside my brain, thought Katie. See my thoughts.

  ‘But you have to take it easy, considering,’ the doctor carried on.

  ‘What do you mean, considering?’ Katie was fully awake now. Felt very tired, but shook off the feeling.

  ‘Thank you doctor, I’ll get my wife home now.’

  ‘Ah, not so quickly, please. There are more results.’

  ‘Results of what?’ said Tom.

  ‘From the blood tests. I was concerned that you passed out so rapidly - paramedics said your blood pressure was low - thought I’d check a few things.’

  Katie stared at the top of her pale gold sandals with delicate white beads as the doctor slowly put his hand on her shoulder, and looked at both of them. What is he going to say? What on earth’s wrong? Cancer maybe! What?

  ‘Well I’m pleased to tell you both that Mrs Parkes is pregnant.’

  The world stopped right there and then for a moment and all Katie could focus on were the beads on her sandals. She felt her stomach jump to her mouth.

  ‘What?’ Katie murmured, then burst out crying.

  A nurse came up to her and handed Katie a box of tissues. She blew her nose noisily and stared at Tom, who was smiling. She looked back at the nurse’s badge on her uniform which read ‘Angela’ next to a smiley face. Angela was in her early 60s, with an impossibly large, matronly bust. She does not have a smiley face, thought Katie. She has about as much empathy as an immigration official. Angela leaned in and Katie noticed some fine hairs on her chin. ‘Your boys are watching TV in the waiting room, darl.’

  Katie nodded then turned her head up to look at Tom; she found that he was grinning from ear to ear, coming over to her.

  ‘Isn’t that fantastic news! Is it really true?’ he turned to the doctor.

  ‘Yes, about eight to ten weeks, can’t tell before a proper scan.’

  ‘But the baby will be Australian.’ She said it before she realised what she was saying. Tom, the nurse and the doctor turned to stare at her. She felt a warm prickle rising up her neck and put her hands up to her face to cover her cheeks.

  How on earth didn’t I know? Katie closed her eyes and felt drained.

  ‘Oh Katie,’ Tom came up to her, held her hand as she opened her eyes again. He had a proud look on his face, a look which said ‘I am the most virile animal on the planet; nobody else in the world has ever fathered a child.’ Yes, Tom, it has been populated entirely with immaculate conceptions. Be nice. She felt monumentally, achingly weary.

  The doctor looked at Katie kindly. He was the archetypal doctor from a Mills and Boon paperback, mused Katie: tall, good looking, tanned from surfing, with his relaxed Aussie drawl. Any other day and features like that would have sent me into a chirpy charm ‘n’ flirt offensive, she thought. Not today, with this kind of news I don’t really care if a whole school of medical students sees me in my knickers.

  Outside the air was salty, slightly damp. Tom had Katie by the arm. Leaning on him outside the clinic, she cast her eyes over the scene. They were in Manly, the seaside suburb moments from their new home. The clinic was opposite the beach. They both stared at the view: sand the colour of pineapple flesh, the sea indigo blue, huge, white-crested breakers on the surface. People were surfing; tiny figures were balancing on their boards, bending, catching the wave, enormous breakers towered above them, then gone; they were swallowed up by the inky sea.

  ‘Isn’t that amazing news darling?’

  ‘I’m quite shocked Tom, actually. Don’t know what to think. To be honest,’ she slumped into a bench by the beach. The wood felt cold on the backs of her legs and she shivered.

  ‘Is Mummy not well?’ Andy nestled into a space on the bench.

  ‘Mummy’s fine, darling! You and James are going to have a baby sister – or brother!’

  ‘Sister?’ said James. ‘Yeuch!’ he said running back to the beach.

  ‘Wait! Wait! I’ll phone Dad,’ Tom quickly tapped the number into his phone and strode towards the beach.

  She listened to him shouting: ‘Dad, yes – yes it’s Tom, no, we’re alright, fine. Having another baby …’ he turned to her, waved and then purposefully walked backwards and forwards across the grass. He took Andy’s hand and walked over to James. He was wearing biscuit coloured shorts, his hair blonder thanks to the early morning trips surfing before work. He had met with some buddies down by the sea pool, they had a loose arrangement to meet every second week. While he’s there, swathed in neoprene and catching the waves, thought Katie, I’m normally covered in jam and toothpaste. She smiled, despite herself.

  She studied Tom’s face in the sun, he was animated, glowing; his sunglasses pushed up over his strawberry-blonde hair, his freckles stood out in the sun. He was waving his arms, grinning down the phone. I feel like we have both seen a movie which he loved, whist I’m still in shock about, mused Katie, smoothing her skirt down as it blew in the breeze. She wanted to discuss it, say she didn’t understand, absorb this information. Tom wants to tell the world, she thought, admiring his exuberance. This, at the moment, is our secret, our news; I don’t even know if I want to shout about it … it makes me feel … she couldn’t place it, then realised yes, I feel trapped.

  ‘Katie? Aren’t you?’ Tom was grinning at her, towering above her as she sat on the bench.

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘I said to Dad that you’re thrilled, aren’t you?’

  She nodded, speechless. Just nod. Good girl.

  Tom slipped his phone into his pocket and sat next to her, putting his arms around her. He’s taller than Adam, she thought, shook her head with the
memory and leaned back. Tom hunched forward and stared out to sea. The animation had left him, like a deflated balloon after a kid’s party. He turned to her: ‘Dad seemed very quiet.’

  ‘Well, it is five in the morning, darling, over there.’

  ‘No. It’s something else,’ he leaned back and turned her, his eyes darting left and right.

  ‘He’s lonely, Tom, he just lost his son, remember?’

  ‘He hasn’t lost me, Katie,’ Tom sighed, folding his arms.

  ‘Tom?’ said Katie placing a hand on his arm. ‘We can’t afford another baby.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous! Of course we can, it’s fantastic, isn’t it?’ he looked at her. ‘We’ll be bringing up our children as Australian, and one of them will even have been born here!’ His eyes were bright again, twinkling in the midday sun. He took her hand.

  ‘Mummy’s having a baby! Mummy’s having a baby!’ Andy was chanting to any passer-by on the promenade.

  ‘Tom, we’re here for two years. Remember?’ Katie felt an enormous sensation of a heavy weight landing on her heart and the world closing in. He dropped her hand, and stuffed his hands back in his pocket, angrily.

  ‘What’s wrong with you Katie?’

  ‘What’s wrong, Tom, is that I’m not sure I want to be here,’ she whispered. A man in Lycra running shorts and a baseball cap ran past and waved at them.

  Maybe this is my punishment for what nearly happened with Adam? For my wicked thoughts … She immediately felt guilty. And yet … she didn’t want any more children, she couldn’t cope with any more children, could she? No nanny, no help. God, she could barely cope with James and Andy. She turned to look at James and Andy on the beach, kicking sand and laughing, then felt instantly guilty. She loved them so much. She loved Tom, but it was so, so hard at the moment …

  She glanced at Tom, saw his jaw firmly set, staring out at the ocean. Shivering despite the warmth of the sun on her face, she studied the tiny sprouts of stubble on his chin – some were going grey - and wondered just how much she knew her husband.