Sway

by M. F. Lorson

  I could hear the angry breath whooshing out of Christopher’s lips from across the table.

  “If you insist,” said Ashley, batting her eyelashes like a girl in an old silent movie. The rest of us waited in silence, Christopher drumming his fingers impatiently on the coffee table as the Taboo timer slowly released two minutes worth of sand. When the last grain fell, Christopher flew up from his spot on the carpet and yanked the door to the closet open, careful not to let an extra second go by.

  It was sweet, the way they worried about each other: she with his schooling and him with her relationship with Andrew. It made me feel bad that Mary and I weren’t closer.

  Because Ashley had accepted a dare, it was her turn to ask next. I thought for sure she would dare Christopher and me to kiss, but she didn’t.

  Instead, she turned to Lydia, “Truth or dare?”

  I expected the girl with the tattoo and several undisclosed piercings to say dare, but she surprised me by answering truth.

  “Truth,” said Ashley, “What do you like best about my brother?”

  The sun had long since set and the lights had been lowered to make the game feel more members only, but I could still spot the nervous tremble in Lydia’s hands as they dangled over her knees, hugged tight to her chest.

  “Best?” she asked. “That’s too vague to answer.”

  “Give it a shot anyway,” nagged Ashley. “Here, I’ll give you an example. The thing I like best about Andrew is how he can still remember what I wore the first day of 2nd grade.”

  “Green corduroy overalls,” said Andrew, his voice low and certain.

  Lydia paused. She and Christopher had only been together for a few weeks. They didn’t have any big moments to draw on. I couldn’t help but think how much easier the question would have been for me to answer. He and I had two solid months worth of memories, not to mention all of those runs in the woods.

  “I guess I like the way he kisses,” confessed Lydia, fidgeting with the amethyst stone on her choker.

  I didn’t like picturing the two of them locking lips, so I was glad when she turned the spotlight on Will.

  “Truth or dare, Will?” she asked.

  “Dare,” answered Will. “And make it good. This game has been squeaky clean so far.” Lydia smirked, rubbing her hands together menacingly.

  “My pleasure. I dare you to strip down to your Calvin Kleins and book it from the porch to the shed and back.”

  Will’s forehead puckered. “That is like a full lap around the school track, and it’s freezing out there!”

  “If you’re afraid,” teased Lydia.

  Will shook his head and rose from the table. “I’m not afraid,” he smirked, reaching down to unbutton his pants.

  “Whoa whoa whoa!” interrupted Charles, “Give the ladies a chance to look away.”

  “I’m not worried,” said Will, his eyes flicking toward Lydia.

  “I am,” cried Charles, throwing a hand across Rachel’s eyes.

  Rachel made a big show of trying to look around his fingers, but I knew she would rather post her horrid middle name on Knight Watch than see Will in his underoos. We all looked away except Andrew, who escorted him to the front door to serve as a witness. Will returned three minutes later, shivering and surly. We all gave him a well-deserved round of applause. He could be fun, I thought, when he wasn’t trying to show off for the whole school.

  No sooner had the thought crossed my mind than he proved once and again exactly why I held him at arm's length.

  “I choose Anne. Truth or dare?” said Will through chattering teeth.

  Lydia grabbed a blanket from the den couch and passed it to Will. “He’s freezing. Maybe, we should stop,” she said, looking to the rest of the group.

  Will took the blanket from her outstretched arms and wrapped it around his bare shoulders. Someone a little less vain might have considered putting their shirt back on.

  “I want to keep going,” he said, locking eyes with me. “It’s my turn to do the asking.”

  Lydia looked uneasy. “Okay, but can we at least move closer to the fire, so you don’t get hypothermia?”

  Will Brooke blushed. Like actual eyes looking down, cheeks filling with color, embarrassed blushed. Maybe we were doing a better job of hooking him and Lydia up than I thought.

  The eight of us made a half circle around the fireplace. It felt a little like girl scout camp, except for the whole boys-in-the-mix thing. There were drops of snow melting from Will’s hair and dripping down his cheeks. He looked vulnerable all wrapped up in his blanket, but something in his eyes told me he wasn’t about to behave that way.

  “What will it be, Anne?”

  “Truth,” I answered, not wanting to know what kind of dare Will would come up with.

  “Bummer,” said Will. “I was looking forward to seeing you re-enact that run I just did.”

  “Major bummer,” I sighed, false disappointment ringing from my voice.

  “It’s alright,” he answered. “I’m kind of glad you said truth. There is a question I’ve been wanting to ask you since we played Taboo.”

  Rachel shot me a warning look from across the circle, but rules were rules. Will had just sprinted through the snow in his underwear. I couldn’t exactly chicken out on answering a question. Besides, I was supposed to be showing Christopher I could be bold. Not that I was afraid to speak.

  “Ask away,” I said, lifting my chin with confidence.

  Will’s eyes darted from me to Christopher and then back again. “How long after you dumped Christopher did you start dating me?”

  I sucked in a breath. Of all of the questions Will would ask, that’s the one that both destroyed his chances of ever being real teammates with Christopher and my ability to get him to think past that damn letter. Why was it Will had to tear Christopher down to feel good about himself?

  “This game is getting boring,” interjected Rachel with a yawn. “I’m sure no one cares…”

  “I care,” said Christopher, his eyes boring into mine.

  Lydia shifted uncomfortably beside him. Any confidence she may have had that Christopher and I were a thing of the past was obliterated by those two words: I care.

  “I’m sure I can’t remember how many days,” I started.

  “Really?” said Will. “It was a long time ago, but you know what? I seem to remember kissing you at the back-to-school mixer. So, the first week of school, I would estimate. Let’s see if we can help you with the math. Christopher, how long after Anne left for school did she dump you?” Will accentuated every letter of the word dump, making it sound like I had thrown Christopher out with the trash. Hurt and disappointment washed over Christopher’s face.

  I was about to explain, but Christopher cut me off, saving me from having to say out loud what we both knew was true.

  “We get your point,” snarled Christopher.

  It felt as if my heart was being ripped into a thousand pieces. All of our progress, running in the woods, yesterday's ski by the lake, this entire trip, it could never make up for that letter and everything that came after. Across the table, Rachel mouthed her fifth “I’m sorry.”

  “Rachel’s right,” said Christopher, rising from his seat. “This game is getting boring. I’m heading to bed.”

  I didn’t try to stop him. What would I say anyway? It was true. It was all true. I broke up with him because Rachel told me to, and I started dating Will within a week of sending the letter. I had hurt him, and I couldn't erase that just because I had regrets.

  Once I heard the door to Christopher and Andrew’s room click shut, I made my own excuse for calling it a night. The door barely closed behind me before the tears began to fall.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The van ride back to Shelfbrooke felt a lot different than the hopeful drive to Rachel’s lake house. Up front, Lydia was chatting away with the driver while the rest of us sat quietly, reflecting on the weekend. I leaned my head on Rachel’s shoulder in the backseat, k
eenly aware that if things had gone differently, I might have been snuggling up to Christopher. As it stood, Christopher had waited until the very last moment to get into the van, likely to put as much distance between him and me as possible.

  I suspected that Will felt guilty about the night before because he and Lydia had both woken up at the crack of dawn to prepare breakfast for the group. By the time I got up the gumption to go downstairs, the two of them were already loading the dishwasher. Will handed me a foil covered plate of poorly cooked eggs and toast. I suppose it was meant to be his version of an apology, but I wasn’t falling down that rabbit hole again. No amount of breakfast food could make up for all the times he made me feel bad about myself.

  Back at school, we drug our suitcases up the stairs and back to our dorm rooms. I was still putting my clothes away from the weekend when Ashley gently knocked on our door.

  “Mind if I come in?”

  “Be my guest,” I mumbled, tucking the last of my things into my chest of drawers. It turned out I only needed three of the outfits I packed for the trip, and none of them had created any of that magic Rachel and Ashley were so sure I had.

  “I know this weekend didn’t go quite the way we planned,” started Ashley. “But maybe it is better this way?”

  “How can it be better?” I asked, my voice just above a croak. “Christopher barely even looked at me after that stupid game.”

  Ashley tugged at the cuffs of her sweater. “Yeah, but it felt like you two connected during Taboo and skiing. Christopher looked so happy when you two came back. I’m not sure I’ve seen him that happy since we got here.”

  “I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but I’m not stupid. Truth or Dare was the last straw. Christopher is done with me. There is no sense trying to make something out of nothing. It’s time to accept it was just a summer fling and move on.”

  Ashley scowled. “You can’t just give up.”

  The thing was, I could. And at the moment I didn’t want to hear any more plots and plans. Relationships weren’t supposed to be that hard. Ashley and Andrew didn’t have to spend all of their time convincing themselves they were worth each other’s time. Proving myself to Christopher over and over again was tiring, and every time I gained an inch, something happened that pushed us farther back. First Lydia, then that stupid game of Truth or Dare.

  Rachel gently eased Ashley out of the room. She knew me well enough to know that nothing Ashley said was going to pull me out of my funk.

  The following morning I was stunned to see Christopher and Lydia walking down the hall hand-in-hand. They had never been a public display of affection kind of couple. Together a lot? Sure. But together-together? Not like that. From the looks of things, our weekend away brought two people closer together after all. Too bad it wasn’t the two we intended. Just three and a half more months of school, I reminded myself. Then, I could erase Christopher Wentworth from my brain permanently.

  I hated that my senior year at Shelfbrooke was marred by this rift between us as much as I hated that our perfect summer was now cast under an enormous shadow. If he had stayed a memory, he could have stayed a good one. Now, when I looked back on the ferry, all I would ever think about was how it ended. I thought back to that first day of orientation. Christopher had said I was different. Not bad, just different. He was right about that, but what he forgot to say was that he had changed too.

  My class was just a few halls down, but I exited out the nearest door, taking the long way around outside. I couldn’t bear to follow Christopher and Lydia any longer than I had to.

  When it came time for leadership class, I pulled a very un-Anne-like move and skipped class. Well, sort of. My heart may have been irreparably damaged, but my brain wasn’t. I wasn’t risking a demerit to avoid Christopher and Lydia. I feigned a migraine and had Rachel pick up my homework while I wallowed in our room. My blanket barricade made a grand return.

  Three episodes into my Netflix binge, I heard a knock at the door. I’d been keeping it closed all day to avoid talking to Ashley, but I couldn’t avoid her forever. She was probably back for another pep talk, now that Rachel wasn’t around to interfere.

  “Come in,” I called, preparing myself to stay firm.

  My eyes about popped out of my head when Lydia’s long, glossy black hair swung into my peripheral. I straightened up as best I could, pulling my bed head into a ponytail and pushing my blanket aside.

  “I hope you don’t mind my dropping by,” she said, inching her way into the room. “I thought we might talk.”

  I didn’t want to talk to Lydia, but that wasn’t fair. She hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t like she was the one who spent the last weekend trying to steal my boyfriend. I wondered if she was here to confront me. If that was the case, I couldn’t blame her, but I didn’t exactly want all of Stratford Hall to hear her do it.

  “Sure,” I said, “But could you close the door?”

  Lydia pulled the door shut behind her, but I noted the tight smile on her face. She knew as well as I did that news travelled fast in the dorms. This conversation with the door open would almost certainly have become the subject of a Knight Watch post later in the evening. Lydia wandered over to my vanity. Pictures of Rachel and me together were tucked into the edges of my mirror. I watched as she inspected each one. Did Lydia have a friend like Rachel? I wondered. I had never really stopped to think about what she did when she wasn’t with the Cassius Society. She picked up the snowglobe on my desk and turned it over in her hands, watching as artificial snowflakes sprinkled down on Chicago’s famous skyline.

  “I went there once,” she said, pointing to the tiny replica of the Cloud Gate sculpture. “Before I started here. We went to the bean before a concert.”

  A smile touched my lips. “I saw Cher downtown when I was a kid.”

  Lydia nodded with approval. So far, so good. Maybe we had more in common than I thought. And then I immediately regretted thinking it. Seeing as how one of the things we had in common was Christopher.

  As if she could read my mind, Lydia broached the subject we both knew was coming.

  “I know that you and Chris used to date.”

  I flinched. The way she shortened his name irked me. He would always be Christopher to me, but maybe that wasn’t him anymore. Maybe, I was the one who didn’t know him.

  “And I know you hoped you might get back together,” she said, her eyes kind but firm, that same expression your grandmother gives you when you’ve disappointed her.

  I bit my lip to keep hot tears of embarrassment from welling up behind my eyes. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of this girl, who to me embodied everything tough and cool.

  “I don’t want to be the bad girl here,” said Lydia, setting the snowglobe back down and crossing her arms over her chest. She didn’t want to be the bad girl, but what other role was there for her to play? We couldn’t both date Christopher. A childish part of me wanted to shout, ‘But I saw him first!’

  “So I am asking your permission,” said Lydia gently. “Let us have our shot. If it doesn’t work out, then maybe you two can try again,” she pleaded. There was an earnestness in her voice that made me feel worse than terrible about my plan to try to pawn her off on Will. The tears were pricking at my eyelids now, every second she stood there was a second closer to one of them falling. I nodded affirmatively, struggling to find the words to tell her it was okay. I had had my turn.

  “All I’m asking is that you give us space. Let us see if there is anything there. Let him clear his head,” she said. “I like him, Anne.”

  For the first time, I saw it all through Lydia’s eyes. He wasn’t the boy from the ferry for her. He was the guy from the Ice Cream Social, the new guy, the boy who shared her interests, sought her out, and was different than anyone else around her. My heart was screaming: you can’t have him! But I ignored it and did the right thing.

  “Okay, I’ll stop.”

  Her face flooded with relief. Maybe
she thought I would fight it. Maybe she thought she would have to stake her claim or bring out the side of her that stood shouting into a bullhorn when she didn’t get her way. Instead, we hugged it out. After she exited my room, I was left wondering if I really had done the right thing. It was hard to know what was right when your heart and mind had completely different ideas.

  I meant it when I said I would stop trying with Christopher, but I had an uneasy feeling about the way we had left things undiscussed. What if he wasn’t as mad at me as I thought? What if he was still running in the woods, but I never showed up, just ghosted him, the way I did all those years ago? I laced up my running shoes and headed toward our usual route, anxious to say goodbye the right way. Only when I got there, there were no footprints in the snow, just the ones I had made on the way out. For the first time since I started at Shelfbrooke, I felt alone.

  Chapter Twenty

  “I don’t know why you’re still doing this,” said Rachel, watching from her bed as I pulled the most worn version of my Shelfbrooke uniform from the bottom of my closet. “He’s with Lydia now. You gave that one up. Why risk getting into trouble?”

  I thought about the question. I had been thinking about it all week. The truce between Lydia and I would have made the perfect excuse for quitting the Cassius Society. I could have skipped today’s demonstration, and my life would have been no worse. But I just couldn’t do it. Abandoning the group felt like putting the final nail in the coffin when it came to hoping that Christopher and I would ever reconnect. Plus, truth be told, I was starting to like those kids.

  “Just because I’m not trying now doesn’t mean I want to burn my bridge with him in the future. If he and Lydia break up…”

  “If he and Lydia break up what?” asked Rachel. “How is destroying your uniform and potentially getting suspended going to help you get the guy?”

  My stomach took a nosedive at the word suspended.

  “I just feel like I have to do this. Like if I quit, then I am showing him I am a quitter, not to mention reaffirming his belief that I care more about what people say than what really matters.”