by Liz Hyder
I can hear you.
The footsteps shuffles off into the distance and a shiver goes down my neck. I think o the man in the shadows that time. I cast my mind back tryin to remember his voyce but the fear o runnin away has near wrote over it. I put it to the back o my mind and carryes on. For what else can a body do?
At mess at the end o our shift, a dredful thing dos happen. I am all adrift lyke a boat lost at see.
Tobe has gone. Tayken by Walsh.
We sits at mess lyke we always dos, eatin our meet and tatties when Mr Sharp comes over to us, bisness lyke, and poynts at Tobe.
He looks over at Walsh.
This one? he says and Walsh nods, smyle growin on his fayce lyke a bloom o algee. Up you get, says Mr Sharp and Tobe gets to his feet, fayce all confewsed as are we all. Walsh is down a boy, says Mr Sharp, and they is venturin down the Deep for a new seam. They needs a small young to go wi them. Mr Sharp looks at me at this poynt for a while.
I stand and step forwud wi my arms crossd. What bout me then? I says. I ent much bigger.
Walsh larfs and it ent a nyce larf neether. Oh no, he says, starin at me. Not you. Not yet anyways.
Mr Sharp shaykes his head at me. You ent the sayme size, he says. This lads much smaller than you. Hell do.
Tobe stands there, not knowin what to do. He ent a boy o much words so I say somethin for him.
He carnt do this, can he? I says to Thomas. On what awthoritee?
On the Masters, says Thomas.
Thats ryte, says Mr Sharp. I act as his voyce here. Tis what it is.
Skillen stands up and shaykes his head. The boy is mine, he says. We are a team me and Tobe and I say you carnt tayke my trayler aways wi out my says so.
Mr Sharp shaykes his head. Mr Johnson says the Deep has got vergin coal that needs to be got out and the small youngs are to work on that as a matter o pryoritee.
You goin ta replayce him then? says Skillen. Eh?
Mr Sharp shaykes his head. It wunt be for long, just a week or so and yule have to be hagger an trayler in the meentime but thats how it is.
I ent an awkwud man, says Skillen firmly lyke. I ent an awkwud man and you be treatin both me and Tobe lyke I am.
Mr Sharp shaykes his head again. Yule be fully rekompenced, he says. We will pay twyce over for the lone o this one for a week.
Skillen dunt lyke it that much is cleer but there ent no argyooin wi Mr Sharp. The overseer is the iron rule see and what he says goes.
Tobe stands there, not knowin what to say or do.
Mr Sharp slaps him on the back hard and maykes him stumble. Eat yer meets lad, he says. Then when yore dun, off you go and sit wi Walsh. You starts tomorro. And wi that Mr Sharp is off somewhere else leavin us to dygest his words.
Walsh smyles at Tobe. I wunt bite lad, he says lookin xactly lyke he wuld. Just lyke that wolf drawn on his back.
Tobe dunt want no more supper tho. He sits there in silence. And trooth be told all our appertytes are gone to dust.
I dunt really have to go do I? he says sudden lyke.
Skillen pats him on the sholder. It ent for long son, he says. Yule be back amongst us all afore you knos it. Ent that ryte?
The Mayker will be wi you, says Thomas. The Mayker is always wi you Tobe.
We nod and mutter but still, I dunt lyke it.
I dunt want to go, says Tobe in a crackd voyce and I remembers then how young he is.
Skillen smyles at him, come on Tobe lad, it ent for long.
Jack gets up from the bench and goes over to Walsh, hands out lyke he ent got nothin to hide.
Walsh, he says, cleerin his throte. Any harm comes to that boy and—
Walsh plays wi his nyfe from dinner, turnin it over in his hands. Wunt be no harm dun to him, he says interruptin Jack. We will treet him fayrely wunt we lads?
And Walshs team nod there heads.
Mayke shore thats the cayse then, says Jack.
Corse axidents do happen sometimes dunt they? says Walsh. And ent nowun to blayme for an axident eh?
Jack glares at him. Any harm and yule have me to answer to. That cleer? says Jack.
Me too, says Thomas.
And me, growls Skillen.
Walsh grins at us and shrugs. Corse. Corse.
Tobe is tremblin when he stands up. He comes over to me and gives me a hug. Will you look arfter Mouse for me? he says in my ear.
I nod. Corse, I whispers.
Keep him sayfe in the dorm til Im back, he says.
Corse, I says.
He holds my hand tyte and hugs me again. Will you say bye to Mouse for me and all? whispers Tobe.
I nods. But shore as shore yule be back in no time eh, I says.
Tobe nods, he lets go o me afore walkin over to Devlin and huggin first Thomas and then Devlin. Devlin looks at me over Tobes sholder and tis a straynge matter but I carnt read his fayce.
Come on lad, growls Walsh and Tobe lets go o Devlin and walks over to Walsh. One step at a time, hangin back lyke, lookin down at the floor.
Can I stay in the sayme dorm as them? he says noddin back at us lot and Walsh shaykes his head.
No lad. Yore part o my team now and what I says, you dos. And I says yore in my team, you stay in my dorm wi my lads, he says. Startin from now.
Skillen smyles at Tobe, forcin it out. Tis only a week lad, severn days hence and yule be back in yer own bed sayfe as you lyke eh. We will sees you arfter shift here in mess and at wash time an all. It ent lyke we disappeerd or nothin is it lad? One week is all. And we will sees ya tomorro wunt we?
Tobe nods his head.
Walsh indicaytes a spayce next to him and Tobe goes and sits down next to him.
I dunt lyke this, I mutters under my breath. I dunt lyke this at all.
Tis the Maykers way, says Jack. Tis all.
Thomas puts a hand on my sholder and I see Devlins jaw set tyte as stone.
It ent ryte, I say. It ent bloody well ryte.
The bed next to me in the dorm is emptee. Tobes bed. The silence comin from it maykes me fayre want to screem but there ent no poynt. I kno Ill see him tomorro at mess but it ent the sayme.
It ent the bloody sayme.
Skillen ent sayin nothin but on the way back arfter mess I felt a hand reetch out to me and when I lookd back it was Devlin. His hand brushd myne lytely as if he was wantin to hold it and I felt the heat go ryte up my arm as I took my hand away. Just for one breef moment I felt better but now I feels sick just thinkin bout poor Tobe wi none to stand up for him.
I check on Mouse at nyte when all are abed but the bugger dos bite me when I tryes to tayke him out o his box. I drops him for a moment and he skurrys under my bed but by the mornin he has fayre disappeerd.
Tis anuvver bad nyte when I carnt manidge to sleep proper neether.
Mouse will come back, I promisses myself. Mouse will come back. I ent lettin Tobe down, they will both come back and all will be well. I says it over and over.
But that ent all thats bovverin me. Too many thawts in my head it is. Heethenish thawts. Heethenish things I dunt ryte kno the answer to. And I think back to what Devlin did say when he first cayme – it taykes one person.
Can that be ryte? I asks myself. Just one? And I dunt rytely kno the answer.
Tobe dunt mayke eye contact the next mornin at mess. He looks well enuff but he ent lookin this way thats for shore.
Skillen shouts out to him. Alryte there Tobe lad, and Tobe nods wi out lookin up.
Walsh puts his hand on him lyke a clamp and Tobe glances up for a second fore lookin back down.
If you ent alryte lad, you kno where to come, says Skillen in a loud voyce.
Tobe nods.
Evrythins fine, says Walsh all calm lyke. Nyce lad by all akkounts.
I thinks about Tobe the rest o the day, wondrin what tis really lyke to be down in the Deep, whevver tis as wet and horriball as they all say. Bein glad that I ent down there but worryin about Tobe all the sayme. Worryin about Mouse too, how Im goin to tell Tob
e that I wunt troo to my word. That Mouse has gone.
There ent nothin you can do, I keeps sayin to myself. There ent nothin you can do about Tobe. I am just a young and I dunt have a voyce. What wuld I says anyways? It ent ryte you taykin him away lyke that? Who wuld listern to me? Who wuld listern to a young?
I think o what Thomas sed the uvver nyte. The boots, the canduls, they is all our propertee but then, in our own ryte, ent we just the propertee o Mr Sharp, o the Master to do whatever he wishes eh? Ent that all we are? Tools for a job thats all. Lyke Boys ponys.
Arfter shift there ent no sine o Walsh or his team at the pumps. Plenty o uvver men there from uvver dorms but I keeps my eyes peeld and they ent there. We all notiss it.
It ent til harfway throo mess that we sees em come in, hair slickd wet from their wash. Tobes fayce red and raw as tho hes been scrubbed ryte clene.
I stands up and goes strayte over to em. Tobe, whats it lyke then, the Deep eh?
He dunt look up. Warm and wet lyke they says, he says in a teeny voyce.
But yore alryte tho, I says, and he nods wi out lookin up still. Well as long as yore alryte, I says and he nods.
And Mouse? he says.
Mouse is fine, I says, lyin throo my teeth. Hes in his box and sayfe as ever. And you, you alryte really? I says and Tobe nods.
But I ent shore he is alryte. Dunt forgets yore letters, I says and he nods again. The alphabet and all that, I says. Be seein ya tomorro then Tobe, eh, I says and he nods.
But he ent ryte. He ent spekin freely is what Im thinkin. But theres only six more days to go and then hes back wi us where he belongs in our dorm.
On the wall near my bed, Ive scritch scratched severn little lynes to mark the days that Tobe ent here. Today I scratch one throo wi my nayle. One down. Still no sine o Mouse but praps hell come back when Tobe dos.
Tis troo that there are uvver youngs down here too but we dunt see em cept a handful at mess or on Maykers Day. Mixin ent enkurridged see. Gatherin is forebidden outside o mess, caban and dorms. Tis the way its always been. Rules is rules. Tobe was the only uvver young in our dorm fore Devlin cayme but Devlin is an older young so he dunt count I figurs.
I smyles to myself when I think o Tobe comin back. We been learnin our letters together me and Tobe ever since he cayme here and we helps each uvver out. Hes a smart lad is Tobe. I think o what Thomas says to me that time about bein lyke his own chylde and I realise thats how I think o Tobe, lyke hes my own bruvver.
I hope he will forgive me for losin Mouse but you carnt keep a wild creeture in captivitee if it dunt want to be there. Can you?
That nyte I carnt help but think o home. Mayker forgive me.
Home. I ent thawt about that word for ever such a long time. Bearmouth is my home now. I tryes and thinks back to how it was when I was on the uvver side, but I struggles to see it cleerly now.
I wonder if Ma even remembers me. Wonder if theres yet anuvver baby at home that I ent knowin about. Thing is, Ma always sed shed write but she never has since that first time. But I writes to her, Thomas helpd me fore I knew my letters better but I writes evry six months I do and I ent herd nothin back since she confirmd she was gettin the coinage I was sendin. I harden my heart to it cos I kno it costs to send post an all and I ent able to send her as much as Id lyke.
Thomas ent got any famly to speke o so he dunt have anyone to write to. I do wonder tho if Ma still thinks o me. I spect she dos evry time the coinage arryves but I wonders if she still remembers.
You was but a myte when you cayme here, says Thomas and trooth be told I carnt remember much afore Bearmouth. I remember sounds tho, birds singin and the breeze in the trees and things lyke that. Cows mooin from the big farm and the trit trot o horses hoovs. And I remember feelins too. Lyke the warmth o the sun on yer fayce and closin yore eyes to the sheer pleshure o it. And the coldness o the pond at the big farm if you even so much as dipped a toe in and the sheer shock that went ryte throo you and mayde you jump and larf and skweel lyke a piggy all at the sayme time. And I remember bein crushd in a room all o us all piled in, me and Ma and Auntie Soo who ent really my aunt and all the cuzzins an all. And next door the uvver room which needed keepin cleer for any o the men who did come in. And feelin hungree so hungree but tryin not to eat much as all o us are in the sayme boat, as Ma says. One o my bestest memorees is the sensayshun o feelin spinky clene arfter a barth in the shayred kitchin. A rare occurents but oh such pleshure. There ent no barths at Bearmouth. Just the pumps arfter shift at the waterfall and swimmin in the layke but the layke ent as warm lyke a barth is. What I wuldnt giv for a barth. Oh Id pay coinage for that I wuld. Big coinage an all.
I dunt dream o any o that tho. I dream o someone tryin to hold my head under the water and I waykes up gaspin as tho Im fayre drownin in the layke.
When I come to, proper lyke, I looks at the lynes I scratchd in the wall and I cross off anuvver wi whats left o my nayles.
In the mornin when we gets dressed Devlin asks me if Im alryte and I nod and shrug and say o corse.
But I also want to shayke him and screem in his fayce. All this cos o you. Thomas talkin things we ent ever dared afore. My brayne all mixd fayre up wi dayngeruss thawts, Tobe tayken by Walsh, his belovd Mouse lost and all cos o you. But I dunt do it. Trooth be told, I ent shore it is all his fawlt but it feels lyke it. Mayker forgive me.
Fore he cayme, Devlin, I dunt mind gettin chaynged in front o evryone but now I feels his eyes on me and I turns away, dressin wi my back to him. I keeps my unders on lyke always but I looks the uvver way.
I asks Thomas once, when will I have the sayme as the men, the sossagemeet that hangs tween their legs? And Thomas says myne will grow in dew time but it ent showin any sine o growin. Maybe tis cos Im not one thing or tuvver that meens I ent got one yet.
I notissd ayges ago too that when the men piss they do so throo their sossagemeet but I must needs skwat lyke a dog to piss. Jack sed it ent harf funny watchin me do that when he cayme across me taykin a piss down the tunnels but hes got fayre used to it now.
I thinks about Thomass storyes and the witches house and me and Devlin and Tobe livin there in a house in the woods happy ever arfter and I thinks to myself how sad that there ent no house in the woods and there ent no happy ever arfter. And then I starts thinkin about that little word again – why. Why ent there no happy ever arfter?
I clamps down on it in my head. Clamp clamp lyke on the basket. Shushin it away. It dunt do to question such things, Jack says. Things is as things is.
But it feels lyke that little bit o red ember on a fire that wunt quite go out. It stays there flickrin at the back o my head.
Tobe wunt mayke eye contact at gruel and he dunt even finish his bowl.
Fyve more days I thinks to myself. Just fyve more arfter today and then he is back wi us. Home where Tobe belongs.
Theres an ayke in my belly the lykes o which I ent felt afore. It feels lyke someone has punched me ryte below the belly button. I double over wi cramps harfways up the main rolley road and I feels sick wi it too. It taykes all my strength to not let the basket slip back down and tayke me wi it.
Arfter I emptees the basket out at the top, I gags and retchs lyke Im to be sick but nothin comes out. It passes arfter a while and I gets back to work but it bovvers me all day. I want to ask Thomas about it as I ent gettin no sympathee from Jack I knos that for shore.
I dunt get a chance to talk to Thomas tho cos at letters Devlin is there and I carnt ask Thomas in front o him so I focus on spellin quiet insted. Tis a funny way o spellin things but Im awfull glad Thomas is such a good teecher else it ent maykin sense to any man or boy. Engerlish is a straynge langwidge to be shore.
Thomas says my vokabullairee is comin along very nycely and Devlin says tis good to hear me talk so much cos he first thawt I was almost mewt lyke Will and Joe I was so quiet.
I eats my crust o bred and bask in their prayse lyke it were the best mornin sun wi all the promiss o a perfekt day but I misses Tobe some
thin dredful. It ent lyke we is competittiv see but we sort o are a bit. I got more years on him but hes bryte, so between us I thinks we learns faster cos o pushin each uvver on.
Devlin sees me thinkin and smyles at me. He ent harf handsum when he smyles, the candul lyte flicker flickrin over his cheeks dusted black wi coal dust.
It ent long Newt, he says. Tobe will be back in no time.
And I nod.
But hes wrong there see. Hes wrong. Cos disarster is a comin.
At mess, Tobes fayce is blue all round his left eye lyke someone punchd him strayte in the fayce.
An axident, says Walsh as he looks over to our bench and he shrugs ryely. Easy dun, says Walsh.
Tobe, says Skillen warily lyke, was it an axident?
And Tobe nods his head still wi out maykin eye contact. You could cut the air wi a nyfe so you could but Jack and Skillen dunt want to push it cos it myte mayke things worse still for Tobe so we all just sits there, appertytes waynin away as the meet goes cold on our plates and us all knowin our hands are tyed behind our backs.
That nyte the cramps return again and I lays in bed doubled ryte over tryin my best not to mayke a sound.
If Tobe were here, Id reetch out to him and maybe even sneek into his bed for warmth and a hug and a fuss wi Mouse if he dunt bite me but he ent here, neether o em are. I ent seen Mouse since he ran off that first nyte Tobe wunt here.
I carnt affords to be sick neether cos sickness meens no coinage and no coinage meens bein mayde into debt. If yore sick see you carnt work but you still got yore boots and canduls and food and all else to pay for. And even for a day you start losin coinage and if yore proper sick, soon the mine owns evry peece o you and you got to pays it back see, bit by bit, fore yore earnin again which meens no coinage to send home for the lykes o me to my Ma and no beer for the lykes o the men.
I goes over and over it in my head, carnt be sick, just yore maginayshun is all.
When I feel an arm on myne I nearly screems the playce down. Tis Devlin.