by Liz Hyder
You alryte? he says whisperin.
I nod.
Shore? he says and I whispers back.
Yes, shore.
Sorry if I wayked you, he says.
You dunt wayke me, I says.
Alryte, he says.
And I hear him pad back to bed.
Tis only when I wype my fayce that I realise I been cryin.
In the mornin at gruel there ent no sine o Tobe at all. Just an emptee playce next to Walsh. Walsh says he must o run off but that ent the sort o thing Tobe wuld do.
Skillen is worryd and we finishes gruel as fast we can so as to try and find Tobe. He ent back in the dorm and we looks for him down at the layke and in caban and in the old dead end where we praktisses letters but he ent in any o those playces. We carnt afford to look for him all day so we heads to work but that sinkin feelin is there in me and I ent shore if its the cramps or somethin else. But it dunt bode well is what Im thinkin.
Im the one who finds him.
Arfter shift when we all heads to the pumps to wash ourselves, Tobe still ent nowhere to be seen tho Walshs men are all there rubbin thereselves clene.
I was hopin and hopin hed just turn up lyke it were all a joke or somethin.
But when we turns the pumps off and are all dryin off I hears a sound bobbin at the edge o the layke.
I kno afore I sees it that tis him. I kno the moment I hears that sound.
Thomas is about to blow out the last canduls when I shouts out to him. I tryes to shout as loud as I can but my voyce has gone all dry and I suddenlee ent got as many words as I thawt I had.
I go on my nees, still just in my unders and I reetches out to the water. Thomas comes over holdin the candul in his hand, the pool o lyte around him lyke a haylo.
I kno its him.
He ent no wayte at all even in death. Lyte as a fether despyte the waterloggd clothes. I tryes to pull him out and Devlin runs to help. Together we hoyks him out and sits and looks at him, body fayce down on the wet black rocks.
I sobs out a big sound that echos round the layke cavern and I feel the uvvers gather around me in the lyte. Skillen and Jack. Will and Joe.
Thomas leans forwud and gentlee gentlee turns him over.
Tobe.
His fayce is swollen a bit wi the water but there ent no mistaykin him.
A rayge fills me up so strong that Im a runnin towards Walsh fore anyone can even think to stop me. I screem and beat and beat him til he grabs both my arms and holds em up high so I carnt hit him no more.
Learn yore playce, he says and throws my arms down and slaps me hard round the fayce. And I kno then that I wuld kill him – if I had a nyfe on me Id alreddy have stabbd him wi it, Mayker forgive me so I wuld.
Im breethin so hard and fast I want to tayke all my fury and throw it in his fayce but I feel Devlins hand pon my sholder holdin me back and the fyte goes out o me lyke a candul blown out.
Here Coombes, says Walsh, call yore pups off. I ent got no beef wi them.
Jack now looks lyke a mountin all rock and hard and he goes strayte up to Walsh and throws a punch ryte in his mouth. Walsh goes to hit back but Jacks too fast for him and he punches him again and again. Walshs men watch but they ent joynin in. They ent got the fyte for this.
Jack knoks Walsh to the ground and hits him again til Skillen and the Davidsons drag him off.
Axident wunt it? says Walsh, wypin his blooded fayce. Axident, musta been else the lad drownd hisself on purpos and we kno seweesyde is a sin ent it cos the Mayker tells us so.
Thomas is still croutchd by Tobe and when he stands up and turns round, candul still in his hand, he poynts a finger towards Walsh lyin on the ground.
Why dos the boy have marks round his neck? he says wi a voyce terriball lyke thunder that I ent ever herd come out o his mouth afore.
Axident, musta been, says Walsh wi narrowd eyes.
What axident can cawse a lad to have marks round his neck that look so much lyke a liggatchur? says Thomas barely containin his anger.
Walsh shrugs. Boy maybe tryd to hang hisself and drownd in its sted praps, he says. Why not get Mr Sharp down here and see what he thinks eh?
There is silence in the cavern now. All eyes are on Thomas. See Mr Sharp, if theres trubble in the mine anywhere, he charges coinage to come and sort it out and he dos charge that coinage back to the man who he deems to be at fawlt. And we all kno that ent goin to be Walsh.
Walsh stands up, brushin hisself down lyke he just fell over and he swaggers over to us.
Youngs lyke this – he poynts at me – they die down here all the time, he says. Drownd or crushd or gassd or somethin. You thinks you can pin this on me? he says wi a lopsided gryn. Good luck wi that, he says. Cos I dunt think Mr Sharp will tayke yore word gainst myne will he?
And Thomas, who I ent ever seen tayke a pop at a man in the whole time I kno him, he swings back and he knoks Walsh clene down wi one fist.
Walsh hisses as he wypes his fayce, sittin back on his nees.
This meens war you kno, he spits voyce red wi blood. This meens bloody war. And he looks at me and poynts. That ones next, he says. That ones next for the Deep.
And Thomas kicks him ryte on the side o his head. Kicks him.
If you come for Newt, Mayker help me Ill knok yore head off yore body so fast you wunt never see it comin, he says.
Is that a threat? says Walsh. Sounds lyke a threat to me.
This meens war is what you says, Jack spekes up. And theres only one o you.
Joe and Will step up behind him. Skillen appears too, carryin Tobe in his arms and lookin as if he myte crye at any moment.
Theres only one o you, says Jack. And theres six o us. Severn if you inclood Newt and tis a handy lad wi his fists eh?
Walsh stands up and his men stay a step or two away from him.
But I got ryte on my side, he says. And more important than that I got Mr Sharp on my side see. And he smyles even as the blood drip drops from the end o his nose.
And I kno then that this dunt end here. Today wi Tobe being killd. This ent the end – this is only the start. And that sayme nyte, when Thomas slips me a nyfe he steels from mess, I kno that things ent gonna get better any time soon.
We dunt bury bodies down here in the mine as tis a workin envyroment see. Arfter we says prayers over Tobe, we brings his body back to the dorm and rolls him up in the sheet from his bed. Tuck him up nyce and neet lyke.
I feel hevvy evrywhere lyke somethin pressin down on all o me but none o us speke. It feels wrong to brayke the silence as we gentlee wraps him up lyke a babe in a cot.
We says our goodbyes to him taykin it in turn to whisper in his ear. Tis hard to say farewell to Tobe cos we all kno we are his only famly. He ent got none on the uvver side see – sent down here as an orfan. I kiss him on his forehead and tis cold as anythin. It dunt even look lyke him no more. This shell o a lad in front o me. It dunt look lyke Tobe at all. Hes alreddy gone to be united wi the Mayker.
It overwelms me all o a sudden and I heeves into teers and I kno thats frownd upon see, got to be a man to work at Bearmouth. As I wype my fayce, I feels the scar on my nose, man enuff to work here I thinks, but I dunt cayre no more as the wet falls down my fayce and splish splashes onto the sheet coverin poor Tobe.
I turn and Thomas grabs me and holds me so tyte I fear I myte burst and I sob and sob and sob til all the waters gone fayre out o me and none o them say nothin but just let me cry and cry til Im all cryed out.
He stays here wi us this eve, says Skillen, voyce tremblin. We owe him that at leest.
Thomas looks to Jack who nods.
Ill report it in the mornin, says Skillen. Hes my lad, my trayler, tis for me to do.
Id never thawt o death lyke this. I seen axidents shore but when tis yore pal, yore bruvver almost, tis a very diffrent thing. And I feel so angry, my fists clentch not just at Walsh but at the Mayker too. How can he let somethin lyke this happen? How can this be any part o his plan? What kind o crewlty can be
in the Maykers mind to let a thing lyke this happen to a boy so harmless and sweete and such a hard worker?
When I lies in bed that nyte, I think o what happend to Tobe. That mark round his neck, that bruse on his fayce. And I feels that self sayme anger wellin up inside me all over. Pure red hot anger.
And theres that little word again. Echoin round my head. Why? I keep askin myself. Why? Why dint the Mayker stop this? Why ent Walsh struck down for being an evil barstard? Why?
And I dare think it. I do. I dare think the unthinkaball, the unsayaball. What if.
What if the Mayker dunt cayre two hoots bout us see? And I think o the rock and the Maykers Hall and his fayce high up that you got to skwint at and I start askin all the questions then.
All those prayers and all those songs and all those amens. What if they is as much use as hot air see?
And I allow myself to think it.
What if the Mayker ent listernin? What if he ent even there? And my heart beats so fast and yet nothin happens, I ent struck down and the dorm dunt fall down on me and there ent a voyce from up high tellin me not to think such thawts or nothin lyke that.
And I think on and on and on til there ent no more thinkin to be dun and my mind is as clutterd and packd full o thawts as Bearmouth is packd full o coal.
But Ive thawt it now and if the Mayker dos see evrythin then he knos what Ive been thinkin. And for once in my life I ent scared o him neether. Cos if he left poor Tobe to be strangld and drownd and scared for his life and he dunt do nothin then tis only fayre that I ask myself these things.
Hello, I says in my head. Hello Mayker. I ent shore I believe in you no more, I says. Can you send me a sine? And I wayte and I wayte and nothin comes. Just thawts and thawts jumblin and swirlin lyke oyle in a puddle o water. Mixin and twirlin.
I feel the nyfe cold under my pillow and I holds it tyte.
Mouse is sat on Tobe when I waykes up and lytes a candul. At leest tis what I thawt I saw. I rubs my eyes to wayke up and theres a movement, a flash o fur that disappeers out o the doorway.
He cayme back, I whispers to Tobe. He cayme back for you. And I do find some small comfort in that at leest.
When the uvvers arise, Skillen taykes Tobe up the levels to Mr Sharp. He goes on his own as we ent alloud to go up levels lyke that wi out permishun sayve on Maykers Day and you dunt get time off when someones died neether. There body gets tayken away and any coinage left over sent to their famly if they has any. And thats it. Lyke Tobe ent ever eggsisted. Just gone. Vanished. Whooshed away.
I thawt I was used to death down here but I ent. Not now. Wi Tobe gone I wonders why any o us are here. I dunt go to letters wi Thomas but sits in a quiet dead end on my own in the dark and eats my stale crust on my own sharin bits wi any rats that dares come close tho I kno none o em are Mouse. I keeps turnin over thawts in my mind lyke a grayte water weel. Whats the poynt o learnin letters when I ent ever goin to use em cept on letters to Ma?
I keep thinkin o Tobe, what happend to him. Those marks round his neck. That ent no axident, I think to myself. That ent no axident whatso evver. But why wuld anyone do that to Tobe? Hes just a young. He ent no trubble.
I hears a noyse comin down the rolley road near to where Im sat and I jump all full o nerves and the lyke. I ent never been lyke this afore and now I find my hand tytely on the nyfe that Thomas gayve me last nyte.
The steps come closer and I see theres a lyte too and Im less scared then than I was. In the darkness anyone can be anythin. I herd tales o men forcin thereselves on youngs and on wimmin too fore they was banned from mines. I herd tales o wimmin givin birth while still on shift droppin it out from there bellyes onto the floor o the mine.
But the lyte gives me confeedents and I steps out into it only to almost walk into Devlin.
You alryte? he says. Been lookin for you, have me and Thomas.
I look at my feet.
Devlin reetches out a hand.
I dunt bite, he says. I kno what tis lyke to lose a loved one.
I looks up at him.
My Pa, he says. He was a good man he was.
Tobe was a good lad, I says as it hits me again. The thawt o never seein him again and I feels lyke doublin over in payne.
Yes. He was, says Devlin.
The whissul goes for end o brayke. Devlin holds his hand out still and I waytes for a moment. But the Mayker dunt show a sine I shouldunt tayke it so I wonder what myte happen if I do. His warm hand feels lyke a shock goin throo my evry nerve. And Mayker forgive me if yore even there still but I lyked it. I lyked evry moment our fingers was intertwynd I did.
I want to talk to Devlin more, about his Pa, about all o it but Im scared too. Im drawn to him lyke the white fish are drawn to folk swimmin in the layke but praps tis the Maykers way o testin me. Seein if Im loyal to him lyke Im sposed to be or else a heethen.
Arfter shift I catch site o Devlin as he washes under the pumps and I feels hot and odd and shayme.
At mess, the absence o Tobe on our bench is the blackest hole o all.
Walsh ent at mess nor at the pumps neether. Skillen says he reportd that Tobe was under Walshs command and we all o us hope and cross our fingers tyte as anythin that he ent comin back.
Maybe hes an awkwud man now, I says hopefully and Thomas nods.
Maybe, he says not soundin too shore.
The uvvers nod too but I can tell none o us do feel thatll be the cayse. Speshully at nyte when Thomas pulls the wooden panel across the dorm when we are almost all at bed.
Best be cayreful, he says.
Best be sayfe, says Jack.
Aye, the uvvers murmer. Aye. Best be sayfe.
Jacks coff coffin keeps us all up til he finally dozes off into snuffles. I lies awayke, think thinkin on evrythin. Tobe and Mouse and Rickerbee and him. Devlin. And the Mayker too. Til my thawts all merge into darkness and I finally drift off.
When I waykes in the midst o the nyte, there is dampness twixt my thyes. I can feel it thick and odd not lyke piss.
I dunt kno what to do if trooth be told so I close my eyes tytely for a while and wish it away but when I opens them again tis still there. It smells straynge not lyke piss. Lyke mettal or somethin.
I sit up in bed and dunt kno whevver to larf or cry. I wayte and wayte but it ent goin away.
Thomas is the most learned man I kno so in the end I quietly gets up and I tippy tose over to him and gentlee tap him til he waykes.
Somethin has happend, I whispers.
What? he says alert as anythin.
Tween my legs, somethin straynge. Likwid.
Gather yore bedclothes, he whispers. Sheet and all. Quiet too, dunt wayke the uvvers.
I untuck my sheets and pull em out rollin em into a ball.
Quick, whispers Thomas as he quietly pulls open the wooden panel across the door cayrefullee layin it back arfter we steps out.
What we doin? I whisper.
Goin to the layke, he whispers back. Quick and quiet.
We both knos the way in the dark but Thomas taykes my hand and pulls me along wi him. I can feel theres a candul in his hand too, smooth against my parm.
I feel scared. I dunt kno what tis happenin but my heart tis fayre in my mouth.
When we get to the layke, Thomas stops and checks all round to mayke shore we are on our own.
He lytes the candul and holds it up to my groyne and I see there is brown red all round lyke I have hurt myself and I gasp.
Do not be conserned, says Thomas. It ent yore fawlt this has happend. Shh now and dunt panick, he says.
I put my hand tween my legs and see that the wetness I felt is thick and slippery. Blood. Thick blood comin from Mayker only knos where. Is this a punnishment for not bein loyal to the Mayker? Is this the sine I asked for?
I go to screem but Thomas clamps his hand over my mouth.
No Newt, he whispers hard at me. You screem and we are both dun for.
I ent who I thawt I was see.
All else is topsee and turve
e.
I am suffrin from the monthlees Thomas calls it. Which do meen that I ent who I thawt I was. It meens I ent a lad arfter all but a gel. And we all kno that they hold no truck wi gels down here.
I ent shore I is ever goin to get over the shock if trooth be told but I ent ever growin the sossagemeet twixt my legs, Thomas says. Insted I must bleed from my very inners once a month.
And worst o all I must keep it seekret. From evryone, from Jack and Will and Joe and Skillen. From Devlin. From evryone.
I ent wantin this, I says to Thomas. I ent wantin this at all but seems I ent got a choyce in the matter.
I am full o fury for the Mayker. Why dos he mayke gels bleed in this way?
It ent a punnishment, says Thomas, all gels and wimmin must have it at some stayge. Tis how it is. Dogs have it an all, he says. It ent just people. Tis the monthlees and tis natchural. Tis all my fawlt Newt, he says.
I ent ever seen Thomas cry afore but he dos this nyte.
I knew you wunt a lad in the first few days you was here, he says. But gels down here, they get passd round lyke a playthin mongst the worst kind o men. Tis how it was and tis how it is so I lied to you, lied to evryone sayin you ent one thing or tuvver. I been lyin to you for years, tis the only way I could keep you sayfe see. I been hopin and prayin that this day ent comin any time soon but here tis, he says. Do you forgive me?
I reetches out to him and holds him tyte as I can. It ent Thomass fawlt. He keeps me sayfe from harm. I cryes on his sholder for a bit but cryin dunt help matters.
More chaynges will come too, he says, and then I ent shore I can protekt you from it. Yore chest will swell and then there ent no hydin you cos yule be playne to see at the pumps in front o evryone at wash time arfter shifts. But we got a bit o time first see, we will think o somethin.
I dunt ryte kno what to think. I am releeved that the cramps ent me bein sick but I ent who I thawt I was. I ent what I thawt I was.
I am Newt still. I am me throo and throo. But I ent no lad.