Make Me Burn

by Marie Harte

  And he felt like shit for it.

  “That’s what love is, dumbass. Learning to accept help. To give and take. Man, you need therapy more than I do.”

  “Maybe.” Brad felt terrible. “I don’t know if Avery will forgive me.”

  “Would you?”

  “If I really loved someone.”

  “Do you forgive Mom?”

  “I will. Someday.”

  “How about Dana?”

  “Yes. I was mad, but she had problems. Her parents…”

  “Trust me. We were neighbors. I know.” Oscar studied him. “What if you’d told Avery you loved her? You worked up the courage to lay your feelings on the line, and she left and never called you back.”

  Brad cringed. “I… I don’t know. That would kill me.”

  “Congratulations. Now you know how she’s been feeling since you crushed her. You’ve been a major ass. Are you still into her, or is it over? And if it’s over, just have the decency to tell her to her face, okay? Because what you did is not only weak, it’s cruel. And the Brad I know isn’t like that.”

  Oscar was forcing him to see some hard truths. That it had taken his brother shamed him.

  A slug to his arm hurt. “Stop hitting me.”

  “Then stop being a butthead.”

  “Butthead? That’s all you got?”

  Oscar smirked. “Oh, there’s a whole book of insults dedicated to Avery’s archnemesis.”

  Brad sighed. “I blew it.”

  “Totally. Now learn from your mistakes. Step one. Accept help and don’t be a dick about it. You were a major asshole. I’m helping you to recover. It’s okay to take my hand and take a step.” He held out his hand.

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  “Take it, dickless.”

  Brad glared, but he reached out.

  “Finally. One step at a time and we’ll have you married before you turn sixty.”

  “Marriage?” Brad didn’t know if he was ready for that. But he sure the hell was ready to get Avery back in his life. Letting himself dwell on how much he’d hurt her was worse than Dana’s letter.

  Find a girl you love with your whole heart. Well, he’d found her. He only hoped he hadn’t destroyed the fragile emotion when he was finally ready to embrace it and all it entailed.

  Oscar hit him again.

  “Damn it. Cut it out.”

  “Work with me. I’m going to help you get your girl. And you will owe me for the rest of your life.”

  “Maybe I don’t want her back.” Even saying it felt wrong. “I do. I really do.” Brad sank to the floor, his head between his knees. “Man, I fucked it all up. She’ll never take me back.”

  “Forgiveness, Brad. It’s a part of love. If I can forgive you for being a closed-off idiot, she just might forgive you for crushing her soul to nothing and living a literal hell on earth.” He smiled. “Okay?”

  “You are the absolute worst guidance counselor.”

  “Hey, I’m free. You get what you pay for.” Oscar grabbed his phone from his pocket. “Can I text Reggie to come back, or do you need more time to pity yourself?”

  Brad flipped him off.

  “Great. Now let’s help you unfuck your life.” Oscar gave him a big grin. “Say it.”

  “What?”

  “You know the magic words.”

  Brad groaned. “Seriously?”

  “Say it.”

  “Oscar is great.”

  “Outstanding. Now say it again. With feeling.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Friday night, Avery stared at the television and sighed. She’d been sighing a lot lately. Gerty had asked if she had developed asthma and, if not, to stop breathing so damn hard.

  Which, okay, was kind of funny.

  She dug through her rocky road, chosen specifically because she loved chocolate and because Brad hated nuts.

  Her eyes watered. Why? Why do the men in my life not want me?

  Stop. End scene. Too dramatic.

  She could almost hear Gerty and Alan applauding her theatrics and stopped herself from going over the edge.

  Erik had wanted her. So had several exes. And her father? His loss if he couldn’t see how great she’d been doing. She was so done living her life to earn his approval. Emil loved her work. Pets Fur Life had gotten a huge boost between the calendar and her promotion.

  And she still missed Brad like crazy.

  Gah. Just like that, the man would pop into her thoughts. But Avery didn’t need a man in her life. Even one that gave her massive orgasms. She’d bought a toy at one of those discreet shops downtown to help with her needs. She called it Better Brad. But it wasn’t, not really, because she had to do all the work.

  A lot like my relationship with Sergeant Jackass. Me giving. Him taking.

  Except she remembered him seeing to her pleasure first. Including her with his friends. Standing up for her with Erik. Avery sighed.

  Again.

  She debated bringing out the dartboard for some practice and hung it on the back of the front door. Courtesy of Gerty, Brad’s face had been tacked to it, and she was getting pretty decent about hitting him in the eyes. The board had made Oscar laugh and laugh. He’d even hit the bull’s-eye twice.

  The insult book had filled up. She had no more need of it to relieve stress. Avery had moved on to not wanting or needing a man ever again, watching violent movies on Netflix and doing such a great job at work Emil gushed about her progress.

  She flicked through her watch list on TV, not finding a blasted thing she wanted to see.

  The door jiggled, and the knob turned. Since only Gerty had the key, Avery turned back to the television. “What did you forget?” she asked.

  “To say it back.”

  She froze, not having expected her archnemesis to walk in the door.

  “Gerty lent me her key.” Brad said nothing more.

  And she sure had nothing to say to his sorry ass. She kept her gaze straight ahead, the back of her head on fire because she could feel his gaze burning a hole through it. She absolutely would not regret the fact he’d arrived to see her looking much less than her best. Her PJs offered comfort, and he could kiss her not-sorry ass.

  “I’m here to grovel.”

  Hmm. That had promise. No, still not interested. Yet she waited.

  He walked around the couch and stood between her and the TV. When she continued to say nothing, he turned it off. Brad looked handsome and strong yet drawn. He wore jeans and a nice sweater, appropriate since Seattle had forgotten they’d entered early May.

  He held two vases full of pink tulips and a large gift bag.

  “For you.” He put the flowers down on the coffee table.

  She looked at them then back at him, giving him the silence he’d wanted. Well, he could have as much space as he wanted too, and damn the hurt that balled in her gut.

  “I’m sorry, Avery.”

  “Great. Get out.” She tried to look beyond him at the blank TV screen, doing her best to press the remote, but it refused to turn on.

  “It’s all my fault.” His words rushed together. “You were so great, so nice. I couldn’t handle it. I—” He blinked at the dartboard. “Is that my face?”

  “Yep.” She dug into her rocky road and bit hard through a peanut.

  “Ah, okay.” He turned back to her, looking…nervous?

  “I also have a book of insults, just for you. Leave me a few bucks on your way out and I’ll email you a copy.”

  He groaned. “Avery, I’m so, so sorry.” He held the gift bag to her. “Open it. Please.”

  “If I do, will you leave?”

  He nodded.

  Her heart twisted. But she wanted him gone, didn’t she?

  She opened the bag to find several gifts buried
in the tissue paper. Expensive chocolates. A word-of-the-day calendar. A new Seinfeld poster to go with the one in the dining room, this one a portrait of Kramer. Gerty would flip.

  Also inside, a small wrapped box. A bit large for a ring, but still, it looked like jewelry.

  “Open it.”

  She did and saw a beautiful pair of ruby earrings she’d envied, having seen them while shopping with Gerty one day. They weren’t cheap.

  She pushed the box back toward him. “I can’t—”

  “No, please.” He handed her the last wrapped box from the bag, this one the same size as the earrings. “Before you open this one, just let me have my say, okay?”

  She wanted those earrings. She didn’t want the one-sided attachment that came with them. But if he’d leave, she’d hear him out. Didn’t mean she had to forgive him.

  “Look, you know what happened to me the last time I was here. I was a mess and should never have come.” He dragged the coffee table to sit on it, uncomfortably close to her now.

  She edged back.

  He sighed. “But I did come to you, because lost out there in my own head, driving around, I wanted comfort. To be with someone I care about. And I automatically drove here.” He watched her, looking for a reaction she had no intention of giving. “You were lovely and kind. And then you told me you loved me.” His voice cracked. “I, ah, I didn’t handle it well.”

  She couldn’t help the huff that escaped.

  “It fucked me up,” Brad admitted. “Because I didn’t think I was ready for that. My mother has loved me forever, and she’s never been there for me when I needed her, lost her in own pain. I spent my growing years being a dad to my younger brother. And I was only a kid when that started. It made me pretty responsible at a young age, and it’s stuck with me. Through my family, the Marine Corps, and now as a firefighter.”

  She could see that.

  “Oscar came to talk to me. Read me the riot act for not being a good brother. And I deserved it.” He brushed a shaky hand through his hair, and she remained perfectly still, now wanting to hear the rest of it. Oscar hadn’t mentioned talking to Brad.

  “I guess I treated Oscar more like a responsibility than a brother. And I love him. I mean, he’s my brother, and he thought I didn’t want him around. I did, I just didn’t know what I’d been doing to him. I love the guys I work with. They’re brothers in the truest sense, but Oscar is my family, my little brother. And now he knows he matters the way he should.”

  Brad reached for her hand and held it tight. She hoped he couldn’t feel her clammy nerves.

  “Avery, I made a mistake, okay? A big one. Just like I lumped Oscar in with my messed-up feelings, I did the same to you. I had just learned that my mom and Dana betrayed me, the women in life who loved me. Then you told me, and all I could think is, what will she do to me? It’s like an awful trend.”

  She had to add, “Yeah, kind of like why do all the men in my life want me to be something I’m not or leave me?”

  He flushed. “I deserved that. But Avery, you’re different. I know I haven’t committed myself in my other relationships with women. Not like with you. You make me feel the way I did with Dana, like I could tell you anything and you’d support me no matter what. And yeah, that sounds like it’s all about me again, but it’s not. I’m trying to say I trust you. And I love you.”

  She didn’t want to hear it, not when she’d finally decided to ditch him for good. “No.”

  “Yes,” he said and tenderly rubbed her hand. “You scare the crap out of me. You’re funny and smart and sexy as hell. I think you’re amazing, and the fact your dad can’t see that says something about his character, not yours.”

  That was just one of the nicest things to hear.

  She felt herself softening and reached down, deep inside her, to hold onto her self-respect. She deserved so much more than a simple apology. “So, ghosting me until your brother talked some sense into you, that’s how we’ll work this relationship? Something awful happens and you’ll disappear, and I should be okay with that because your friends are there to support you? Well, fuck me.”

  “No. I’m so sorry. I mean it. I should have called.”

  She didn’t mean to show him, but she felt her eyes burning. “Two weeks ago was the start of my new show, and it meant everything to me. But you wouldn’t know that because you weren’t there.”

  “I was there.”

  “You—What?”

  He nodded. “I stood in the back, where you wouldn’t see me. Tex and I were on duty, but we swung by and luckily didn’t get a call. I caught the whole thing.” He cleared his throat. “I gave you flowers.”

  “You did not.”

  “The roses and tulips? Those were from me.”

  “But Alan said he got them.”

  “He’s lying.”

  “He said…” She thought about it. Alan had actually said, “Avery, you slayed out there! You’re awesome. Oh, and I hope you like the flowers.” She’d been so touched she’d hugged him with thanks. “That liar.”

  “The flowers aren’t important. You are.”

  She wanted badly to believe him, but she still hurt. “Pretty words, Brad, but actions speak louder, you know?”

  He nodded. “I owed you. I still do, I know it. I, ah, I let the guys take pictures of me next to naked Ken and Amazon Barbie at the station. You’re the Amazon trouncing me in all kinds of ways—some pretty damn perverted.” He gave the ghost of a smile. “I’m now known as the loser who couldn’t keep his girl. Wash jabs me every time they pose a new scene by putting a picture of my face over the Ken doll. They found dark glasses for the Amazon. You’d like her.”

  She liked hearing that, petty enough to appreciate being thought of as strong and not crying every night while her doll lookalike kicked Ken’s ass. When he handed her his cell phone, she scrolled through a few funny-as-hell pictures of Brad looking pitiful behind Ken being whipped by Amazon Barbie.

  “I donated money to Pets Fur Life in your name,” he continued. “And I signed on for more dog adoptions, no cats. I’m hoping you might want to go with me next time.”

  He wanted a next time?

  When she said nothing, just watched him, he swallowed loudly. “I also baked you a cake. It’s at my place.” He looked nervous. “It’s awful. I can’t lie. It’s the fourth one I attempted, and I couldn’t get the guys to eat the previous three. That’s how bad they were.”

  “How hard is it to follow box directions?” she asked, doing her best not to smirk at his failures.

  “I was making it from scratch.” He sounded offended. “I was making you something with love. From the bottom of my heart. It doesn’t count if it’s not real.”

  Okay, that was a good one.

  He glanced at the dartboard again before looking back at her. “Avery, I wrestled with how I felt about you for a long time, before that night at your place where I blew it. You mean so much to me, and it’s like I’ve always known you. You get me, deep down. I see you. The real you. We’re perfect for each other. But that means you have to forgive me.” His hands fisted on his lap. “The way I’ve been working to forgive my mom. The way I forgive Dana for leaving me.” He started to hand her a note from his back pocket then took it back. “I want you to read this, but not now.”

  He told her the gist of what Dana had written, and Avery felt awful for the poor girl.

  “She told me to find my peace. And I have.” He handed her the last gift, a small wrapped box. “I love you. I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”

  Avery had tried really hard to keep him at an emotional distance. But she was only human. She started crying. “Why did you just leave? Brad, you didn’t say anything but thanks. Thanks?” She smacked him in the arm, pleased when he winced. “You broke my heart.”

  “God, Avery. I’m so sorry.” He
pulled her into his arms and let her cry it out. Stroking her back, whispering apologies, he sat with her in his lap until she stopped crying. “I love you, and I’m so afraid I ruined everything. I promise I’ll never ghost you again. You know I have no problem telling you when you’re wrong,” he teased and wiped her cheeks.

  She looked up at him, thinking she must be a mess while he looked like a Greek god. “I’m rarely wrong.” She blinked to clear her tears, so in love with him it hurt. “You can’t do that again. I can’t be pushed aside like I don’t matter. My dad does that, and I won’t accept it. Not anymore.”

  “Good. You deserve better than that.” He put the box in her hands. “Open it, please.”

  She froze. “It’s not a ring, is it?”

  His slow smile brightened her entire apartment. “Not yet.”

  She opened it and found a key. “A key?”

  “To my place. And if I was a more romantic guy, I’d say to my heart.” His eyes shone. “Avery, I love you. I want us to be together. To have you move in with me, I mean, eventually, after you have time to really forgive me for being such an ass.”

  “A douche.”

  “A jerk.”

  “A fuckhead to the billionth degree.”

  He smiled. “I should see this insult book, huh?”

  “Warning, Gerty was pretty creative. But I was better.”

  He laughed and hugged her. “God, I missed you. So much. I know, it was all my fault. But I was so wrapped in guilt and misery. The guys called me names. They told me to talk to you. Tex was super pissed, said I was making the biggest mistake of my life if I didn’t make it right. Reggie narced me out to Ed, my lieutenant.” He shook his head. “But the bastard helped. Ed’s a great guy. He’s had a lot of practice with life issues, and he’s helped me. His wife keeps him on his toes.”

  “I should meet this guy.”

  “You will,” he promised. “My life is full of fires and rescues. My crew are my family.” He cupped her cheek. “They already love you. But not as much as I do.”