The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby Jr.

  and finally Bobby began talking, his words thrown out in lumps until he calmed his breathing, then smiled, That breathin shit really be workin Mush. It be savin my ass from fuckin up—Moishe started to relax slightly, feeling a warm glow start inside him, expecting Bobby to tell him how he decided to not get revenge, but the glow stopped growing as Bobby related the events of the night to him, in detail, telling him every move he made and how he kept reminding himself to relax and be aware, relax and be aware, and soon the glow was replaced with apprehension as Bobby told him of finally seeing the guy and how he waited, and then the apprehension turned to fear as Bobby continued to tell him what had happened, step by step, feeling sick that he had inadvertently helped him, that the simple exercises he had shown him were being used to hurt another person, but when Bobby had finished his story Moishe was at least grateful that Bobby hadnt killed him though he felt sick and wanted to throw up or hide somewhere but he sat and listened as attentively as possible and when he finished Bobby leaned forward and asked Moishe what he thought, Cool, eh Mush? I outslick them muthafuckas an you know that muthafucka Raul be sweatin his ass off bout now. Yeah….Whach you think Mush?

  Moishe looked at him for a moment, trying desperately to get at least a semblance of a smile on his face, feeling himself struggling but having no idea what he looked like, whether he was smiling or crying….Why you dont take off your jacket and stay for a while?

  Bobby stared at him for a second, then laughed, Yeah, right the fuck on—taking off his jacket and gloves and wiping his face with his hand—Bobby suddenly jerked up and walked around the room, a few feet in one direction, then a couple in another, Man, I cant be tellinya how good I be feelin, like I can take them muthas an be choppinem up in little bitty pieces…but I think I bes be coolin it for while, whach you think bro? wait till they be gettin careless again, I aint about to be lettin them be gettin behin me, right bro? they aint got no idea where I be or when I be gettin ready to get up side their head, uh, uh, no way they know where I be or when I be on they ass an aint nobody goin to keep lookin over his own shoulder all the time, right Mush? some time you jus aint doin it no more no matter what be happenin an thas when I get the muthafucka, wham, right Mush? I just be letten them tell me when I be gettin them, sheeit, alls they know I might be fixin to crawl through they window right bout now an slittin they throat while they be sleepin, sheeit they doan know what I be thinkin of doin, but I be lettin them know, right bro? I be lettin them know—Moishe couldnt hear any more. He kept his face smiling as much as possible, but tuned out the words and their meaning, trying to fill his mind with anything but what Bobby was saying…and when he was aware that Bobby had stopped talking he got up and filled bowls with ice cream with chocolate sauce, even more grateful that Bobby had not killed anyone….

  So whach you think bro? Moishe looked across the table at Bobby as he scooped ice cream into his mouth, and shrugged. Bobby didnt seem to notice but just continued talking, like I say, I figure I got all the time, time be on my side. I just be stayin here an goin out when I wants to an see what they be up to, damn, they never know what be happenin…damn, heheeh !!!! Bobby tried to be quiet and, from time to time, would be silent for a moment, but it was impossible for him to remain that way so he just kept talking no longer aware of what was coming out of his mouth, but just talking off the energy and excitement, Moishe nodding when it seemed he should, until Bobby said he was going to clean up and took a long shower, a very long shower, and when he returned he walked much slower and was quiet, suddenly seeming drained, Man, that shower like to take all my energy Mush. Think I be gettin to bed. Mus be gettin late anyway—glancing up at the clock—Damn, it be after 3…we mus be talkin a long time—Bobby grinned—Guess I be doin the talkin, eh bro? Moishe smiled and nodded. Bobby giggled, Look like I be talkin my sweet little ass to sleep—getting up and stretching—You goin to bed Mush…pass your bedtime.

  Moishe smiled, A few minutes—nodding his head—Ya, a few minutes.

  Bobby went to the bedroom and Moishe sat at the table, wishing he could simply fall asleep and wake up and all the questions would be answered or not exist, but he knew he would be unable to sleep if he went to bed, that he had to allow the thoughts pounding in his head to dissipate so he could relax. He inhaled and exhaled slowly and deeply a few times and allowed his body to relax then watched his thoughts bounce around and left them alone, from time to time reminding himself that there was nothing he could do, things are as they are and he could think all night or not think all night, could sleep, stay awake, scream, be quiet or eat more ice cream and things still would be as they are.

  Moishe awoke later than usual and sat on the side of the bed for a few minutes, feeling disoriented having gone to bed so much later than usual. He looked at Bobby for a moment, still sleeping, clutching the edge of the covers. He briefly wondered what Bobby may be dreaming, then tried to remember his own, but gave up almost instantly. He felt sluggish…no, it was more a feeling of sadness. The resolve he had gone to bed with had been mangled by dreams and he had to talk himself into getting up and washing and getting the day started.

  Bobby had gone to bed exhausted but excited, determined to get up his regular time even if he was going to bed hours later than usual, it didnt matter because he felt energized, turned on, and he wanted to get up and hit the weights and get a good workout. He awoke several times in the morning, each time telling himself it was too early to get up and went back to sleep. Eventually he could no longer sleep, but still he refused to get up, but covered his head with his arm from force of habit even though there was no daylight to hide from. He refused to look at the clock, but kept trying to convince himself that it was too early to get up, but he couldnt convince his body which felt awake and just would not go back to sleep and he tried to reach back to the previous night to grab some of the exhilaration and determination he had been feeling, but it was gone, totally disappeared, at best a vague memory and he was confused by his feelings as if there was something a little off somewhere, something wrong but he couldnt figure out what it was and no matter how he tried to figure it there didnt seem to be any answer, just this dragged feeling like he didnt want to get up but just sleep all day but he couldnt and laying in bed trying to was becoming more uncomfortable than the thought of getting up, but still he wished he could just pull the covers over his head and just sleep for a couple of days, but why should he feel like that when he was feeling so great about today last night, but he guessed it didnt make any difference, but somehow it did and he knew it was ridiculous, that that spic deserved what he did to him and anyway, it wasnt shit compared to what they did to Maria, they killed her and she going to be dead for all time, aint nothing going to fix that like a doctor fix his hand, an fuck that dude with his wishing them happy, I aint about to be wishin them happy an who be wishin Maria happy? Show me who be wishin her happy? She cold stoned dead and all the wishin in the world dont be doing her no good

  swinging his feet over the side of the bed, then sitting up and looking at Moishes empty bed, looking dully at the clock, it slowly registering that it was late morning and he should get his ass in gear and hit the weights and the machine and the rest of it but somehow he just couldnt find the energy to even think of working out and maybe he shouldnt, might be a good idea to take a day off and let his body rest, it seemed like Moishe had said something like that one time that he should take a day off once in a while, something about building up the body so this was as good a day as any to do that, probably the best thing he could do today and maybe just hang out or ah shit, what the fuck, just any fucking thing and fuck you Sol and those muthafuckin spics too….

  and he put on some clothes and went to the kitchen and sat at the table and told Moishe he wasnt working out that day, Figure I give my muscles a res, you know, like you be sayin—suddenly quiet, looking at Moishe who just stared for a moment, then got up and got the coffee.

  They sat in silence, Bobby clutching his cup with both hands, sip
ping at the hot coffee, feeling the heat on his face, closing his eyes from time to time and just bathing in the heat, moving his face a little from side to side, eventually putting the cup down and buttering some bread and covering it with jelly, keeping his head lowered, not looking Moishe in the eye, but glancing at him from the corner of his eyes….

  So…youre sleeping good?

  Bobby nodded, opened his mouth, closed it and nodded harder, unable to raise his head. He squirmed around in his chair, eating the bread as fast as possible then draining his cup, got up abruptly, still not looking at Moishe, Guess I be takin me a shower, and left the room.

  Bobby sat in the whirlpool as long as possible, trying to visualize something melting away…not knowing what, but whatever it was that was dragging his ass, and when he started getting weak he forced himself to stay longer, but eventually left and got in the shower. He stood in the middle of the stall, all the streams of water pounding him, until the same sense of futility that got him out of bed got him to finally turn the water off, staying in the shower for many minutes in the same position, then getting out.

  When Bobby got back to the kitchen Moishe was still sitting at the table. When Bobby sat down he asked him if he wanted breakfast.

  Bobby felt like telling him to fuck off, but just shrugged and nodded.

  When Bobby finished eating he leaned back and sipped at his coffee until it was finished, and sat quietly, looking pensive, Moishe watching him, he too silent, waiting.

  Eventually Bobby asked him how he wish that dude happy? I mean like what you say?

  Moishe remained silent for a few more moments, looking at Bobby….Thats all I say…I wish he should be happy.

  Nothin else?

  Moishe shook his head, Not at first.

  Not at firs? What be happen later?

  First Im wishing only he should be happy….I dont know, its going on for months maybe. Then Im wishin I mean it—grinning and suddenly bursting into laughter.

  Bobby laughed, You what???? Sheeit—shaking his head.

  Ya—chuckling—Then each day Im having to say again and wishing I mean it.

  Bobby looked at Moishe for a minute, then asked him what happened?

  Im living. Soon Im moving….Ya, I live—Moishe looked serious for a moment—But later I see how Im feeling different inside…like the knots are untied…a little anyway.

  Bobby looked at him sceptically, An you dont be hatin that joint no more?

  Ohhh, that Im not saying—shaking his head—No, that Im not saying. I cant be there all those years without sometimes Im having such a pain—holding his stomach—But eventually somehow Im not hating Klaus—nodding his head—ya, somehow Im not killing myself by wanting to kill him—smiling at Bobby—but also Im looking at the other men sometimes, the jews I cursed, and thinking, they should all be happy…we should all be happy, and later the hate goes…but it comes back, over and over is coming back…leaning on table and leaning toward Bobby—but I no longer want to hold on to it because now Im feeling difference when Im letting it go….Sols right, my hate was killing me….

  Moishe was silent, looking up at the ceiling, obviously remembering….But I only see that later, after Im wishing.

  Bobby continued working out and exercising each day, pushing himself as much as possible, each day trying to do just a little more, sometimes pushing himself close to the point of exhaustion, from time to time gasping for breath, unable to move for a few minutes, but always doing at least one more before stopping, within himself leaping in the air with his fist raised in victory even if he was slumped over unable to move a finger.

  When he was able to move he sat in the whirlpool, allowing his body to relax and his mind to wander, leisurely drifting…drifting…feeling the hot water whirling around him, feeling as if he were floating in the water, as if his body had no weight, that he could simply float out of the tub and through the ceiling and beyond the clouds…and he could see the clouds below him, feel the air around him, and he had no idea how long he was in the tub, floating around, time seeming to have stopped….

  When he finished with the tub he dressed and went to the kitchen and had coffee and something to eat. He always got a nice feeling when he saw Moishe, and he liked hanging out with Moishe, he just sort of felt laid back sitting at the table, drinking something, eating something and listening to Moishe talk, Bobby chuckling at the funny way he spoke, and sometimes absolutely fascinated by the stories of the camp and the old country. When he thought about it Bobby frowned and shook his head and smiled because he even liked doing those dumb puzzles with Moishe. Bobby couldnt figure any of this out, it just didnt make any sense so he just didnt try anymore but would just sit and sip his coffee and look at Moishes funny grin, listening to his funny way of talking, from time to time surprised and amazed that he was content to just be there all this time and not want to split.

  Moishe was putting the dinner dishes in the sink when Bobby got up and said he was going out. He wrapped himself up as warm as possible, putting on a turtle-neck sweater and a knitted hat. As always Moishe just stood, silently, when Bobby said, See you later Mush, and left.

  As always Moishe stared at the empty doorway for several minutes after hearing the click of the locks on the outside door, blinking his eyes against the sudden onslaught of thoughts and worries, until he was able to move and start washing the dishes.

  Bobby stood in the shadow for a minute after coming out of the cellar, getting used to the sudden cold wind. It seemed to be colder than last night when he and Moishe went for their walk, but maybe it was just the wind was blowing harder. He didnt decide whichway to go back to the hood until he came to a corner and then went which ever way his instinct led him, always making sure he was aware of what he was doing, which direction he was going, always watching each shadow. He checked the familiar territory making sure nothing had changed, taking nothing for granted, continually testing himself to see if he remembered every crack, every stone every twist and turn, wanting always to be ready for any unforeseen circumstance.

  He hadnt checked out the hood for a couple of weeks, not since he got the first spic, so he was exceptionally cautious as he figured if he bumped into any of them they would be together, that it was still too soon to catch another one alone. But he knew that some night he would. It was impossible to always be together, that they were alone when they left their houses, were going home or seeing a girl friend, and would getim and be that much closer to getting Raul who would be last and have a lot of time to sweat.

  The wind was blowing from the east and he knew everyone would be huddled in their jackets trying to avoid the wind and would be on the north/south streets as much as possible so he stayed on the east/west as much as possible. Although he looked as if his head was bent as much as the few other people on the street as they struggled against the wind, he kept it up enough to give him a complete view of the streets knowing everyone else was seeing only the tips of their shoes.

  His eyes were watering slightly when he turned a corner, facing north, and thought he saw a friend of Rauls walking toward him. He backed in a doorway, wiped his eyes and quickly evaluated the scene and in a second knew what he would do and almost laughed when the entire scene suddenly appeared in his mind. He knew that a few hundred yards north of where he stood there was a doorway that led to a building that had a storage area under the staircase with a panel that was loose and he could kick it out and go into the air-shaft between the buildings and over a short fence, through the cellar in the east building on the west side and be on the street 1 block south of this one before the guy knew what happened. From there he could decide which way to go, there were a half dozen options at least. He started walking north, pacing himself to meet the guy just south of the doorway knowing the guy would be so startled he wouldnt even know Bobby went into the doorway. Bobby kept his head lowered, but his eyes kept him in view the entire time as they approached each other. Bobby gave the appearance of being huddled in his jacket, hands deep
in his pockets, but his hands were out and he was flexing them, keeping the circulation going so they wouldnt numb up on him, and as they approached each other he slowed his approach just a little so they would meet exactly where Bobby wanted them to and when they were almost side by side Bobby raised his head and grabbed the guy by the jacket and pulled him close to his face so he could see who he was and stared at him for a couple of seconds, absolutely silent and still, then grinned and stared into the guys eyes, stared right through the guy, grinning, silent, still, grinning…grinning…

  then suddenly let him go and before the guy could react was through the doorway, running quietly down the hall, under the staircase, through the panel to the airshaft, over the fence, out the other building to the street then turning north until he almost reached the corner then, during a break in the traffic, continuing east, running between cars, and in less than a minute was a world away from the guy who was still processing the information, spinning around, backing down the street, then running to tell Raul what had happened.

  Bobby quickly slowed his pace to a fast walk and lost himself in the people on the street, staying as much as possible in the shadows. He figured the guy would tell Raul what had happened and he chuckled to himself thinking of the look on the guys face and the one that would be on Rauls and how pissed off he would be as they ran around the hood trying to find him, but he didnt laugh even though he sure as hell wanted to because he knew laughing would make him careless for a moment, so he kept swallowing his laughter and hustled as fast as possible away from the hood and soon he was once again in the safety of the deserted streets with the ugly shadows cast by abandoned and crumbling buildings, the shadows flat, lifeless, yet seeming to reflect the agony of not only the buildings but the people who lived there, the people who passed by, or the shadows of people that were left behind, the shadows of people too despairing and weak to carry their shadows with them and so they stayed as the people moved on to find some other shelter, but Bobby only felt elation as he passed them, the exhilaration of another victory, allowing himself to start feeling that elation now that he knew he was safe and in a matter of minutes would be in his cellar on his way to Moishes, sitting back being cool eating a bowl of ice cream and chocolate sauce while the muthafuckin spics were running they asses off lookin forim….