All Hope Is Lost

by E. L. Todd

  “I guess.”

  Yes.

  “Meet me in the park tomorrow.”

  I was hoping to pick her up, but I would take it.

  ***

  Abby couldn’t sit still because she was so excited. “Silke is coming?”

  “Yeah.” I sat beside Abby on the park bench. “She’ll be here soon.”

  “Why won’t she hurry up?” she demanded.

  I chuckled. “I’m sure she’s walking as fast as she can.”

  Abby kicked her feet as she sat on the bench. Her eyes constantly scanned the area until she spotted Silke approaching. “Daddy, there she is.” She pointed before she hopped off the bench and darted toward her.

  I looked up and saw her. She wore dark skinny jeans with brown boots that reached her knees. A white jacket was around her body, and a purple and pink scarf kept her neck warm.

  She was drop-dead gorgeous, and my body actually ached in longing.

  Silke’s eyes lit up like fireworks when she saw Abby. “Awe, I missed you.” She pulled Abby into her arms and hugged her tightly. The affection was deep in her eyes, and she gripped Abby for dear life.

  I watched them and realized just how much I lost.

  “Silke, where have you been?”

  Silke looked down into her face and her lips quivered slightly. “I’ve just been busy. How about you?”

  “You know, school and stuff. Daddy got me a remote control helicopter.”

  “He did?” she asked excitedly. “That sounds like fun.”

  “Yeah, I put one of my Barbie’s in it and flew her to the mall.”

  “Wow,” Silke said. “It could carry her?”

  “I had to put a smaller Barbie in it. My regular ones wouldn’t fit.”

  “Still very cool.” Silke took her hand and walked toward me. “So, you want ice cream?”

  Abby threw her free arm up. “Yeah!”

  Silke chuckled then approached me. That smile left her face when she reached me. She looked at me with all her defenses up. She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Hello, Arsen.”

  I wanted to die, right then and there. Why was I so stupid? Why did I have to piss this all away? Why didn’t someone just knock me out until I got my head on straight? The two people I cared most about were right here…but Silke was still far away. “Hey, Silke.” I wasn’t used to calling her by her first name. It was too formal and didn’t settle right.

  Silke broke eye contact and turned back to Abby. “So, what kind of ice cream are you going to get?”

  Abby hopped on her feet. “Strawberry.”

  “Just like Dad, huh?” Silke asked with a smile.

  “I want to be just like Dad when I grow up.”

  Silke’s eyes softened.

  I was so glad Abby was in my life. She made me look good without realizing it.

  Abby pulled Silke along. “Hurry. They might run out.”

  I walked beside them then stood in line. Anytime I was near Silke I was aware of it. I noted the way her hair fell around her face. The way her jeans hugged her hips excited me. Her curves were highlighted even in the jacket. I liked it when she wore nice things like that. It made her look classy but sexy at the same time.

  I would do anything to kiss her. “How was your week?”

  “It was okay.” Her voice contained her sadness.

  I knew where it came from. “Cedric will be okay.”

  “Have you seen him?”

  “I went a few days ago. Skye looked exhausted so I watched him while she slept.”

  Silke nodded. “He’s such a cute baby. I want him at the table at Christmas.”

  “I do too.”

  When we got to the front of the line, we ordered. After we got our cones we walked along the path toward the playground. Abby and I both got a scoop of strawberry, and Silke got a scoop of pistachio.

  “I found an apartment.” Silke said it without preamble. “It’s pretty close to the museum.”

  “Oh…” So, she was really moving on? She wasn’t going to stay with her parents until we figured things out? I knew she meant it when she said she was done with me. But I guess I hoped she said that out of anger, not sincerity.

  “My dad likes it too.”

  If Ryan would help me sort things out with Silke it make all the difference in the world. Silke considered herself to be independent and in charge of her own destiny, but I knew she took her father’s advice into consideration with everything she did, even if she wouldn’t admit it. The second Ryan and Janice didn’t accept Pike with open arms Silke left him. She wouldn’t say the truth out loud because she probably didn’t even realize it, but that didn’t make it any less untrue.

  I knew I really messed things up and I took responsibility for that. But there was no way anyone in the world would love Silke more than I did. She was everything to me. We were supposed to be together. If she just gave me another chance, I would make it right.

  But was there any point in saying that? At least right now? I didn’t see the point in responding to what she said. If she wanted to get her own apartment I wouldn’t stop her. But I also wouldn’t stop trying to get her back.

  ***

  Silke played with Abby on the playground for an hour before Abby made another friend. It was a boy her age, and he had a Buzz Lightyear shirt on. They dug into the sandbox with his toys, and Silke quietly stepped away and let the two kids play.

  She came to the bench where I was sitting, walking slowly like she was trying to avoid being near me.

  I stared straight ahead to make her more comfortable.

  Eventually, Silke sat down and crossed her legs.

  “You can’t compete with a Buzz Lightyear shirt.”

  She automatically chuckled, clearly surprised by the light conversation. She probably expected me to declare my undying love for her like always. “No, I can’t.”

  “Maybe if you had a Little Mermaid t-shirt,” I said. “She loves that movie.”

  “It’s a classic.”

  I liked the way she relaxed around me. Her walls slowly came down. Instead of trying to push me away she remained stagnant. “Abby watched Back to The Future a few nights ago. She loved it.”

  “That’s one of my favorite movies of all time.”

  “What about the second and third one?”

  “Those are great too. You know, they just don’t make them like that anymore.”

  “They don’t,” I said in agreement. Actually, when I watched the movies with Abby it was my first time seeing them. “How’s the museum?”

  “Good. This famous French painter just added a few things to the gallery.”

  “Cool.” I didn’t ask who the artist was because it didn’t make a difference anyway. I didn’t understand art the way Silke did. “Have you gotten to handle any of the pieces yourself?”

  “A few.”

  “You should teach Abby how to paint. She would love that.”

  “I’m not much of a painter. All I can really do is sculpt.”

  “Well, Abby loves that too. But the pots she has around the house look terrible, so you should give her some more practice.”

  Silke laughed, and the beautiful sound sent a shiver down my spine. “It definitely requires a few sessions.”

  “Take her tomorrow.”

  “Yeah?” She finally turned to me and met my gaze. “I can?”

  She didn’t need to tiptoe around me. “Silke, you can take her whenever you want. You make Abby happy, and that makes me happy.” Maybe Silke didn’t want to stay with me because she didn’t trust me, but maybe she would stay for Abby. It was a terrible thing to hope for but I wasn’t going to pretend it wasn’t on my mind. If she stayed for Abby, I would turn everything around and make up for what I did. “I can drop her off and pick her up.”

  “I would like that.”

  “Then it’s settled. I’ll let Abby know when she’s done playing with Buzz Lightyear.”

  She chuckled. “He’s a cute little boy.”

/>   I shrugged. “Not as cute as Abby.”

  “Spoken like a true father.” A smile lit up her face.

  I didn’t want to ruin this moment, this quiet tranquility. Just like it used to, our natural chemistry burned. When I didn’t try to pursue her, she eased up. Despite her pain and distance, she couldn’t deny how great we were together.

  ***

  Abby and I walked through the door.

  “I’m ready to sculpt,” Abby said excitedly. “I’m going to be the greatest sculptor in the world.”

  “I’m sure you will, sweetheart.” Silke was already sitting in the chair at the table with her supplies on the surface, so I scooped Abby up and set her in the chair beside Silke. “She’s wearing old clothes so it’s okay if she gets dirty.”

  “That makes things easier.” She hugged Abby then smiled into her face. “You’re ready for another lesson?”

  “Yes.” Abby hit her fists against the table.

  Silke laughed at her enthusiasm. “I wish all my students at the museum were this excited.”

  Ryan watched our interaction from the kitchen. He leaned against the counter while he drank a beer.

  I didn’t say anything to him. He was disappointed in me at the moment, and he wasn’t my biggest fan. “I’ll pick her up in a few hours.” I kissed Abby on the forehead. “I’ll see you later, sweetheart.”

  “Bye, Daddy.” She didn’t look at me as she said it. All she cared about was the clay in the bowl.

  “You’re leaving?” Ryan asked as he took a seat at the table.

  I didn’t want to leave—at all. “Yeah. I know Abby wants some quality time with Silke.”

  “No,” Abby squealed. “Daddy, stay.”

  I loved my daughter even more in that moment.

  I shrugged and looked at Silke, asking her what she wanted.

  She finally nodded. “Stay.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” Silke said. “You can do it with us.”

  “Wow,” I said with a smile. “Learning the trade from the best in the business…pretty neat.”

  Silke’s cheeks reddened at the compliment, and a slight smile formed on her lips.

  I’d do anything to kiss her.

  “I’ll watch,” Ryan said. “Someone has to take pictures, you know.” He pulled out his phone and set it on the table.

  I turned to the living room and saw Janice sitting there. She had a book in her hands, and a glass of wine rested on the coffee table. When she looked at me there was no warmth there at all, not the kind I used to get from her. Ryan was disappointed in me, but Janice was full-blown pissed over the way I hurt Silke.

  I didn’t blame her.

  Ryan talked over his shoulder. “Baby, you want to join?”

  Janice sipped her wine. “No, thank you.”

  Ryan didn’t pressure her.

  I sat beside Abby then followed Silke’s instructions on working with the clay. My hands immediately got muddy, and I felt dirtier than I did when I changed the oil on an old car.

  Abby loved it. She got the wet clay everywhere, but Ryan didn’t seem to care if the table was ruined. We worked with our pots and pressed the pedal under the table to spin it. Our hands worked the grooves of the clay, molding it into what we needed it to be.

  I had no artistic talent whatsoever so mine looked like a mound of dung. Abby’s didn’t look great either, but she seemed proud of it.

  “Good job, sweetheart.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  Silke’s was spectacular, like always. Somehow, she formed a pot that had the silhouette of a father and a daughter holding hands. An image of the park was in the background, and the two figures walked down a path that led to an invisible destination. The fact she made that on a simple whim astounded me.

  “Now we put them in the oven,” Silke said.

  “I guess tomorrow’s dinner will taste like clay,” Ryan said with a laugh.

  “It doesn’t stink the oven.” Silke put everything in the oven then set the timer.

  “Now what?” Abby asked.

  “We wait.” Silke washed her hands then Abby’s.

  “How long?” Abby asked.

  “About thirty minutes,” Silke answered.

  I washed my hands then returned to the table. The place was a mess so I cleaned it up.

  “That’s so long,” Abby said with a pout.

  “It’ll go by quicker than you expect.” Silke returned to the table, the chair between us empty.

  Instead of sitting beside us, Abby went to her toy box in the living room and pulled her things out. Janice closed her book and put a cartoon on then moved to the floor beside her. Ryan joined them and pulled out one of her toy dinosaurs.

  Silke and I were left alone, by sheer luck.

  I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her to take me back, but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. It would just push her further away. I liked having her so close to me, just a breath away.

  “You know what I was thinking?” I asked.

  “What?” She turned to me and faced me head-on. She felt safe because her parents were there, that I wouldn’t make a move or try to kiss her.

  “Quit your job at the museum and become a professional sculptor. You can have your own gallery in Manhattan and sell your pieces. It’d be great.”

  Silke pressed her lips tightly together and tried not to laugh. “Arsen, not everyone has the skills to open a business like you.”

  “Mechanic skills were something I acquired. You have a gift, Silke. You should share it with the world.”

  She shook her head. “I’m better than average but I’m not good enough for that.”

  “I disagree. When you gave your dad that sculpture for his birthday he almost cried.”

  “Because he’s my dad…”

  “Silke, I’m not trying to stroke your ego. I really mean it.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest as she considered my words. “I don’t have the backbone for something like that.”

  Now it was my turn to laugh. “Baby, you’re the most fearless woman I’ve ever known.” I didn’t realize how I referred to her until it was too late, and since the damage was done I didn’t react. “If anyone can handle this, it’s you. You’re strong, intelligent, and damn talented.”

  Her cheeks reddened again.

  “Come on,” I said. “It’d be a great idea. Tell your dad and ask for his opinion.”

  “He would tell me to do whatever I wanted because I would succeed at anything.”

  “Yeah, he probably would.” Ryan believed in his kids more than anything. And he believed in me. “So, you should do it. Your dad opened his own business then opened a second shop. He helped me start my company from the ground. Actually, he did start it. I just stood there, dazed and confused. You’ve got the best help in the world. Use it.”

  “When you talk like that you make it sound so easy.”

  “Not easy,” I said. “But very possible.”

  She turned away and watched the cartoon on the screen.

  “Silke?” I said quietly.

  She turned back to me.

  “Is sculpting something you would want to do for a living? If it were possible, would you want it?”

  She held my gaze while her mind worked furiously behind her eyes. “Of course. Who wouldn’t want that?”

  “Then let’s make it happen. I can help you.”

  “It’s okay, Arsen.” She shook me off, coldly.

  I tried to hide my disappointment. Doing this together would make us closer. That was something I really needed. “I don’t mind. I have a lot of experience in the matter.”

  She didn’t look at me.

  “I really think you would excel at it. And I know you’re happy at the museum but I think you would be even happier doing your own thing. That’s just my two cents.”

  “Being a professional artist isn’t easy. Even if I have the funding to open up a gallery, there’s a lot more to it than that. You nee
d an agent that gets you into art shows, and you need a solid marketing plan to get people into your gallery. It’s all about branding.”

  I nodded toward Ryan. “Well, you have a marketing guru right there. All we need to do is tell the press Sean is getting a divorce and have him come into your shop to buy a sculpture. The press will take a million pictures of him and you’ll be on the front page of every magazine.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not telling anyone Sean is getting a divorce.”

  “My point is, we have tricks up our sleeves.”

  “I don’t want tricks. I want something ethical.”

  “We can do that too.” I remember when Sean took his Ferrari to my shop for an oil change. Everyone saw him and his flashy car, and the customers started pulling in afterward.

  The timer went off, announcing the completion of the pots. Silke put on gloves before she pulled them out of the oven and set them on the tray. Then she returned to the table.

  Abby’s didn’t look like anything distinguishable, and mine was a complete mess. But Silke’s was stunning. The image she made in the clay was more pronounced now that the clay had been baked. It looked like something that would be sold for five hundred bucks. The detail was astonishing.

  Silke allowed the pots to cool before she touched the surface with her fingers. She felt all the grooves and lines of the pot before she was satisfied. “They’re finished.”

  “Yours looks amazing.”

  She held the pot in her hands before she handed it to me. “I made it for you.”

  I examined the image close-up, and saw the distinct features of myself. My shoulders were identical and so was my chest. Abby’s thick hair was in pigtails, the usual way she wore her hair, and a pink unicorn was in her other hand.

  My eyes watered. “I’ll keep it forever.”

  Silke watched my face before she turned away.

  I set the pot on the table and looked at her. “Beauty?”

  She still wouldn’t look at me, like the moment was too much for her.

  I patiently waited for her to turn my way.

  Finally, she did. The emotion was in her eyes even though she tried to hide it.

  “I love you.” I wasn’t saying it to get her back. I wasn’t saying it because I needed her. I just said it because that was how I felt.