All Hope Is Lost

by E. L. Todd

  So, I said no. Because I was scared.

  But now that I’ve walked through the entire city I realize what a mistake I’ve made. There is no one else for me. There is no other man I’ll ever want. You’re the person I want every day for the rest of my life. You’re the man I want to grow old with.

  But I know I fucked that up.

  After what I did, I know you want nothing to do with me. You’re hurt and broken. What should have been a magical moment was one you’ll always remember with regret. I don’t deserve that ring. I don’t deserve your love. I don’t deserve anything.

  If there’s any possibility that I can have another chance, please let me know. If I can apologize to you in person, I would like to. If I can just see you…I would get on my knees and beg you to forgive me.

  I know I don’t deserve to look at you—ever again. I know I don’t deserve your sympathy. I know I don’t deserve anything. I’ll leave you in peace because I have no right coming to your door.

  But if you ever want to see me, I’m here.

  I’ll always be here.

  Lexie

  I read the letter a second time and soaked up every word. A flood of emotions passed through me. I didn’t move and my breathing didn’t change, but a tornado raged inside me.

  She did love me.

  She did want me.

  All this time I’d hated her because she didn’t want me. All this time I’d been suffering when she was waiting for me to be ready. I fucked girls I’ll never remember, and I got so drunk I couldn’t tell my nose from my ass. I felt into the darkest depression I’ve ever known. All those nights I slept with random girls and I wished they were Lexie.

  It could have been Lexie.

  I was still hurt she said no to begin with but now I understood why. And I also understood she regretted giving me that answer. She did love me and always had.

  She was just scared.

  Roland kept watching me but he didn’t make a sound.

  I felt the paper in my hands then moved my gaze to his face.

  Roland knew I was pissed. The fear was in his eyes.

  “I can’t believe you kept this from me.” My voice was quiet but it contained all my rage.

  “Conrad, I—”

  “Months of my life could have been spared. If I’d read this letter it would have changed everything. I wouldn’t have had an affair with Georgia Price. I wouldn’t have been a dick to everyone I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t have bought this stupid penthouse that I don’t even need.” I threw the letter on the table and clenched my fists.

  “I didn’t know what it said—”

  “What does that matter? It’s my apartment. It’s my mail. You had no right keeping that from me.”

  Roland cowered away. “Look, I’m not the only one who made this decision—”

  “But you should have made sure I got that letter. You’re the one who had it this entire time. I’m your best friend and you should have looked out for me.”

  “I was looking out for you.” He rose to his feet. “I was trying to protect you. No good could have come from that letter. It would have just confused you and made you take her back.”

  I walked to him with flexed muscles. “That’s. My. Decision.”

  “Conrad, don’t forget what she did to you. She said no then stormed out. How can you possibly let that go just from a letter?”

  “She made a mistake,” I snapped. “We’re all guilty of mistakes. It sounds like you kept that letter to fit your own agenda. You didn’t have my best interest at heart whatsoever.”

  “That’s not true. I had no idea what that letter said. For all I knew, she was asking for her stuff back. That would have set you off big time.”

  Unable to contain my rage, I grabbed my coffee table and flipped it over. The coffee mug on top fell to the tile and shattered. The remote broke and the batteries flew out. Apollo immediately backed away with his ears straight up in the air.

  Roland flinched and took a step back.

  “Fuck you, Roland.”

  He held my gaze and breathed hard.

  “All this heartbreak and pain could have been spared if you just gave me that letter.”

  “No, if Lexie hadn’t said no none of this would have happened.”

  I punched him hard in the jaw. I hit him so hard he flew to the ground. “You had no right to decide what mail I get and what mail I don’t get. Lexie had every right to say what she needed to say but you took that away from her. You kept us apart for months. How can you live with yourself?”

  Roland got back to his feet with a bloody lip. He didn’t hit me back. “I was trying to do the right thing by you. I swear. It was a group decision. You’re acting like I stuffed it into my pocket and didn’t think twice about it. I asked everyone what we should do. If you’re mad at me, you’re mad at all of them too.”

  “You really expect me to believe Cayson agreed with this?” I knew Cayson pretty damn well and he never would have suggested something so extreme. “Heath? Heath never would have agreed to that.”

  “Well…they didn’t. But everyone else did.”

  “Why the hell is my fate decided by other people who aren’t even in the relationship?” I snapped. “What’s wrong with you? I’m sick of this dysfunctional family being glued together like a pack of lions. It’s sick.”

  Roland’s voice came out gentle. “Conrad, we just care about you. We were all worried. We didn’t know what else to do. We thought hiding that letter was the best thing for you.”

  “Well, it wasn’t.”

  “What did she say?”

  “None of your fucking business.” I barged into my room and changed from my sweatpants to jeans and a shirt. I grabbed a bag and quickly shoved everything inside before I walked out.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Getting Lexie.”

  “But she moved to California.”

  “I know, dipshit.”

  Roland threw his arms down. “You’re just going to take her back? What could she have possibly said to make you change your mind that quickly?”

  “You’ll never know.” I grabbed my wallet and keys then made sure Apollo had food and water.

  Roland remained still but it looked like he wanted to stop me. “Conrad, think about this logically for a second. You’ve been spending time with her for the past two months and you still couldn’t take her back. How does a letter written four months ago change anything?”’

  “It makes all the difference in the world.”

  Roland ran his hands down his face in distress. “Conrad, I’m sorry. If I could go back in time and change what I did, I would.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything to me.” I headed to the door.

  Roland chased after me. “I thought I was protecting you.”

  “Well, you weren’t.”

  Roland grabbed my arm. “Conrad, please.”

  I twisted from his grasp and pushed him back. “I’m not your best man anymore.”

  His eyes dilated in pain.

  “And I’m not your friend anymore either.”

  Roland took a deep breath and his eyes moistened.

  “Leave the door unlocked. My dad will pick up Apollo.” Without looking back I slammed the door.

  ***

  I knocked on Lexie’s mom’s door and felt my heart ache. It was racing so fast that my body was about to give out. It was late and I hoped she didn’t mind me barging in.

  She finally opened the door wearing a robe over her pajamas. Her hair was messy like she’d just been lying in bed. It took her a moment to focus her eyes on me. “Conrad?”

  I walked inside without being invited and shut the door behind me. It was freezing outside, and the sound of the street would drown out our words. “I need Lexie’s address.”

  She continued to stare at me in disbelief. Her hand moved to my shoulder like she wanted to make sure I was real. “You still love my daughter?”

  I nodded.

  She cove
red her face and her eyes immediately filled with tears. She breathed hard and sniffed. Then she fanned her face like that would chase away her emotions. “I knew it…I always knew you would forgive her.”

  “Can I have her address?”

  “Of course.”

  ***

  I didn’t get there until ten in the morning.

  Lexie was probably at work so I’d have to wait around until she returned to her apartment. She had an apartment in San Francisco. The building was nice and it was right next to the subway.

  I walked inside the building and took the stairs to her floor. My bag was still over my shoulder, and when I reached her door I dropped it on the ground. I’d have to wait around for a few hours. I’d probably take a nap if I weren’t so worked up.

  I knocked on the door just in case she was home. It was a Wednesday so it was unlikely she’d be around. She was usually productive, so even if she wasn’t working she’d be doing something else.

  To my surprise, she opened the door.

  Lexie stared at me with wide eyes like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Her hair was messy like she’d been lying in bed. Her eyes weren’t as blue as they used to be. They’d faded to a dull color. She wore a t-shirt and sweatpants, clearly not expecting company. “Conrad…?” She tested the waters because she wasn’t sure if this was a dream.

  “It’s me.” It was the first time I realized she was in just as much pain as I was. This break up didn’t just rip me apart. It destroyed her too. I’d been thinking about my heartbreak so much that I hadn’t thought about hers.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see you.”

  “But…why?” Her eyes coated with moisture the longer we spoke.

  “I got that letter.”

  Her bottom lip trembled.

  “Roland took it because he thought I shouldn’t read it. He gave it to me last night.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and tried to ride her rapid breathing.

  “I wish I read it sooner. I wish I’d known you wanted me so long ago. I wish I hadn’t spent three months trying to forget you. I wish…we hadn’t lost all that time.”

  Her eyes continued to fill with tears. Eventually, there was so much water they started to spill over.

  “Lexie, I forgive you.”

  They cascaded down her cheeks and to her lips. She closed her eyes like she couldn’t handle every feeling in her heart. She covered her mouth with her hand like that would stop the sobs from escaping her throat.

  “Now it’s my turn to apologize.”

  She closed her eyes again like she couldn’t handle everything.

  I crossed the threshold then put my arms around her waist. She was at her thinnest. She used to be curvy and slender but now she was practically bones. I held her to my chest and listened to her cry.

  Lexie burrowed her face into my t-shirt and sobbed. She tried to stop herself by holding her breath or squeezing me but that didn’t fix anything. She heaved with agony.

  When I tasted a tear on my tongue I realized I was crying too. I’d been pushing her away for so long because I thought it was the best thing for me. But now that I’d finally forgiven her and let her back in I realized it’s what I should have done from the beginning. That letter only reminded me of what we had. It made me realize this break up wasn’t easy for her. She really did regret what she did. And since I couldn’t live without her, I used it as an excuse to give us another try.

  “I’m so sorry.” Her words were barely audible because they were mixed with tears. “I wish I could take it back.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for destroying what we had. It was so perfect.”

  “I know that too.”

  “I’ll never hurt you again. I promise.”

  I closed my eyes and felt my heart begin to heal. It was still broken, but at least some of the pieces had been put back together.

  “Thank you…for giving me another chance.”

  “I didn’t have a choice. My heart can’t forget you.”

  She held me tighter.

  “And the rest of my body didn’t want to either.” I pulled away from her then grabbed my bag by the door.

  Lexie’s face was red and blotchy, and her skin was shiny from all the tears.

  I shut the door then grabbed her hand. There was only one bedroom in the apartment so I pulled her into it. My bag was tossed on the ground and then my jeans and shirt were off.

  Lexie got into bed and waited for me to join her.

  The blinds were closed so it was dark in her bedroom. She lay beside me and watched me like she was afraid I would disappear. I turned on my side and wrapped my arm around her waist. I wanted her close to me, to feel her breath on my skin.

  She stared at me like she was treasuring the sight. She didn’t want to close her eyes because she didn’t want to miss a single moment.

  I didn’t know where this left us or what we would do now. All I knew was I wanted to figure it out together. I didn’t want to force myself to be with someone else. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life wondering what would have been if I’d just given Lexie another chance. Maybe this would result in another heartbreak.

  Or maybe this would be everything I’ve ever wanted.

  Her hand rested on my chest. “Your family hates me…”

  “I don’t care.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Then we’ll make them stop hating you.”

  This Love

  Book Forty-Five of The Forever and Ever Series

  There will be a two-week period before the next installment is released.

  AVAILABLE JANUARY 11th

  Want to be notified about new releases?

  Text ELTODD to 41411 for text alerts!”

  Dear Reader,

  Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed reading Skye and Cayson’s story as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you could leave a short review, it would help me so much! Those reviews are the best kind of support you can give an author. Thank you!

  Wishing you love,

  E. L. Todd