‘Money isn’t everything, Alice,’ Lauren said. ‘I know I’m in no position to comment on that and I’m not in your situation but, seriously, your health has to come first.’
‘I was so thrilled when they rang me, said flattering things in the interviews and then offered me the job. I was on top of the world. I really thought it was the perfect job,’ Alice said sadly.
‘Flattery will get most people,’ Brett said.
‘Well, you’re only human,’ Lauren said.
‘You know, I don’t think real estate is about helping people at all,’ Alice said.
Brett almost spat out his mouthful of beer. ‘That can’t be what you thought going in. Surely not. Come on, you’re smarter than that. It’s never been about that, Alice.’
‘Brett, don’t be cruel,’ Lauren said. ‘I can see where Alice gets that idea – you’d be helping people find their perfect home and other people the right price.’
‘Exactly what I thought. Thanks, Lauren. I feel like such a fool.’
‘Don’t. I’m sure there are plenty of people in real estate who feel that to some extent. Perhaps you’re just with the wrong company.’
‘Again, I pose the question,’ Brett said, ‘why are you still there? Other than the money.’
‘It wouldn’t look good on her CV to leave so quickly,’ Lauren said.
‘Leave it off, then. What’s a few weeks?’ Brett said.
‘Oh, but then I wouldn’t be being honest,’ Alice said.
‘Argh,’ Brett said, waving his hand dismissively before taking a slug of beer.
‘And she can’t leave without a reference, and if she’s struggling, then …’ Lauren said as if thinking aloud.
‘Exactly,’ Alice said.
‘But you’ve got a reference from the previous place, right – the one that offered you the marketing job?’ Brett said.
‘Yes, but I think they’re shirty I didn’t take it, so if anyone rang I don’t think the comments would be quite so glowing now. And, anyway, they might let slip that I took another job. Todd’s a friend of ours, so he knows.’
‘And then they’ll wonder why that job isn’t being offered as a reference,’ Brett thought aloud.
‘That’s right,’ Alice said. ‘Also, I really don’t want to give up. I want to conquer it, prove I can do it – even if it’s just to myself. I’ve never backed away from anything hard in my life.’ Not even my awful marriage, Alice thought. It was her ex-husband who had called it quits. She’d been miserable, but like the good, loyal woman she’d been raised to be – and one who would not bring shame on the family by getting divorced – she’d been committed to staying, no matter how intolerable. Pride, stupid pride!
‘Don’t let pride get in the way of your real best interests and health, Alice,’ Lauren warned. Alice was a little startled at having her thoughts read so accurately.
‘I also don’t want to become a statistic,’ she said absently, still a little shaken by Lauren’s perception.
‘A what?’ Lauren and Brett said at the same time.
‘Huh?’ Lauren added.
‘What on earth do you mean?’ Brett said. ‘Please explain, as Pauline Hanson would say.’
Lauren and Alice laughed at his impersonation of the colourful rogue political figure.
‘I found out on Friday. I’m not meant to know, but I’m about her seventh PA in around two years.’
‘Woah! That’s a lot,’ Lauren said. ‘Seriously?’
‘Yep.’
‘It sounds like the problem is not with you, then,’ Brett said. ‘Sounds like you’re not the one who should be quitting.’
‘She brings in too much money for anyone to pull her into line,’ Alice said.
‘Hmm,’ Lauren said.
‘I really think you need to start from the beginning and tell us the whole story,’ said Brett.
‘Oh. No, I don’t want to monopolise the day with my problems. I was just venting. I’m sure it’ll get better. I’ll shut up now.’
‘No, this is interesting,’ Lauren said, leaning forward on her chair.
Alice rolled her eyes at Lauren.
‘What? I’m a writer. And that means I’m a student of the human condition, remember?’
‘Seriously, Alice,’ Brett said. ‘I’m happy to hear it if it will help. You’ve always been the calm one cheering us all up over the past few years with barely a blip or complaint. But if you’ve discussed it at length with David and want to just leave it, that’s up to you. It might help to have a different perspective, or two. Even if you did say I sounded like David,’ he added a little indignantly.
Just then their meals were delivered. Alice wasn’t sure she wanted the spaghetti bolognaise after all, but started to dig at it anyway.
‘God, I love the food here,’ Lauren said.
‘Yes,’ Brett agreed.
Alice stayed silent. It wasn’t the food – it was her mood that wasn’t letting her enjoy her meal.
‘So, Alice, you were about to tell us the full story,’ Lauren urged after she’d made her way well into her burger, chips and salad.
‘If you’re sure you don’t mind. You can tell me to shut up if …’
‘Just tell us, Alice,’ Lauren said.
‘I’m all ears,’ Brett said.
‘Right. Well …’
‘And that’s everything,’ Alice finally said. ‘Well, what I can remember, anyway. And don’t forget my brain has turned to mush, so you’re probably thinking I’m completely insane. I’m starting to wonder myself, actually. How nuts does some of that sound? And it really does sound petty and that I’m just being a whinger, doesn’t it?’ she said when no one had spoken. ‘I need to just suck it up, right?’ Her heart sank. Why aren’t they saying anything?
‘What?’ she said a few moments later, looking at Lauren and then Brett. ‘You think I’m making it all up, don’t you, or I really am nuts? I knew it,’ she said when they had still not spoken. She sighed, feeling sad and defeated.
‘Oh god, Alice, I’m so sorry. That’s a horrible experience. What a bitch,’ Lauren said.
‘Please don’t pity me. I couldn’t bear it.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry. I’m not. I’m just very upset for you – that what you thought was a dream opportunity has turned out to be such a rotten experience. I think anyone would be feeling off kilter after all that. What does David say?’ Lauren said.
‘That it’s early days.’
‘I doubt it’s ever going to get any better,’ Brett said thoughtfully.
Lauren and Alice turned to him.
‘Alice, I think what you’re dealing with is someone with a serious personality disorder – a narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath, or combination,’ he said.
‘Aren’t serial killers psychopaths and sociopaths, and aren’t narcissists what they call people who are obsessed with sharing selfies on social media? I haven’t been asked to bury a body yet and I’m pretty sure Carmel isn’t into taking selfies.’ Alice tried to laugh it off.
‘Yes, that’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it, Brett?’ Lauren said.
‘No. I’m being serious. Sociopaths and psychopaths are predators. I don’t know as much about them as I do narcissists – and, as I said, someone can have multiple conditions. And there are scales – yes, simply being attention-seeking is at the low end of narcissism. But a full-blown narcissist is so obsessed with themselves and achieving gratitude, dominance and ambition that they disregard everyone else as they ruthlessly pursue their goals. They lie, cheat and manipulate in order to achieve the adoration they crave. And because they’re not capable of having empathy they don’t care who they hurt or destroy along the way. Obviously I’m no psychiatrist or psychologist, and I’m trying to simplify a complex subject here, but I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve described, Alice. You need to get out. These people can become physically dangerous, and in some cases they can completely ruin you mentally or emotionally – leaving you feeling a lot worse than out of k
ilter and doubting yourself.’
‘Oh, I don’t think …’ Alice started and stopped.
‘Alice, you’re already displaying symptoms of mental abuse – you’re doubting yourself, you’re confused, you think you’re going crazy. And I hate to tell you, but if I’m right, you going to HR will have made things a whole lot worse. Her laying off you might be the calm before the storm,’ Brett said.
Alice’s head was swimming.
‘I’m pretty sure what your boss is doing is gaslighting you. It’s when someone uses subtle psychological tactics that undermine your reality, make you doubt your sanity – basically portray you as the crazy one. It all feels off, but you’re not sure why. Just what you’ve described. Here, read this,’ he said, bringing up a website on his phone and handing it to her.
Alice scrolled through the article in silence while Lauren read it over her shoulder. The further Alice went, the slower her heart rate became. And then she began to feel queasy. The article put into words a lot of what she’d been feeling and experiencing.
‘Wow,’ Lauren and Alice said in unison when they’d got to the end of the piece.
‘Exactly,’ Brett said, as Alice handed back his phone.
Would it really only get worse? Could Carmel really be that dangerous? Perhaps it wasn’t as bad as she had made it out to be. Perhaps it really was all just a series of misunderstandings. But, no doubt about it, she did feel like she was seriously losing her mind.
‘So what do I do?’ Alice said, despite already knowing the answer in her heart. There was only one option.
‘I told you. Get out,’ Brett said, a little exasperated.
‘But as she said, she can’t without a reference,’ Lauren said.
‘I get all that but, Alice, your health, your mental wellbeing, is more important than anything. I could be wrong. I hope I am, but …’
‘How do you know so much about this stuff, anyway?’ Lauren asked.
‘Personal experience, unfortunately.’
‘In a workplace?’ Alice asked.
‘No, my father. It’s a long, unhappy tale but, suffice to say, I’m estranged from him.’
‘Oh,’ Alice said.
‘As in not speaking to him?’ Lauren asked.
Alice tried to stop her mouth from dropping open. Her father had been gone for several years and her mother and sister regularly drove her mad – to the point she dreaded the obligatory Sunday phone calls, when they focussed on themselves and showed little to no interest in her life. However, she couldn’t imagine not speaking to them.
‘Yes. I’ve had to cut them out of my life – my father and my sister. My mother died years ago.’
‘Can you do that?’ Alice asked, the words out of her mouth before she could stop them.
‘Of course. You’re the owner of you. Why should you put up with being treated badly just because you’re related?’ Brett said. A little defensively, perhaps, Alice thought.
‘Wow, you’re blowing my mind,’ Lauren said.
Mine too, Alice thought.
‘Don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes, lived my life. I can assure you, it wasn’t a decision I made lightly.’
‘How long have you been estranged?’
‘About five years. And I can tell you, my only regret is that I didn’t do it ten years earlier. Sadly, I discovered the hard way that this notion that family is everything is absolute bullshit.’
‘Is it hard? Do they contact you?’ Alice asked.
‘They finally stopped trying to communicate with me a few years ago. Thank goodness for caller ID. And, yes, it’s hard – you have to deal with a lot of guilt, mainly because of society’s expectation. This family-is-everything rubbish. Look, it’s not about punishing anyone or giving them the silent treatment or anything like that, and expecting things to change,’ he said, looking at the bewildered faces of the two women. ‘It’s about putting myself first – my emotional and mental needs. You didn’t know me before I figured out what was wrong with me. I was a mess. It was having a narcissistic father and a sister who’s the same. It’s sadly very isolating because no one else in my extended family gets it. They think I’m just being up myself or too good for them. The thing with a narcissist is they’re fakes with a façade, so only the victims see the truth – not that I want to be known as a victim, I’m using that word in an academic sense,’ Brett said.
‘So how come you’re not like them?’ Lauren asked.
‘That’s thanks to my relationship with my mum and my gran. Having good, normal people in your life can have a neutralising effect, apparently. That’s what my research tells me, anyway. But enough about me. Seriously, Alice, if you don’t get away from it, it could destroy you. That takes years to recover from, believe me,’ Brett said.
‘I don’t think it’s really that bad with Carmel,’ Alice said. How much damage can she do in eight hours a day, five days a week? It wasn’t as if Carmel was one of her parents who’d had a strong influence on raising her, Alice thought as their plates were collected.
They thanked the waiter and said how much they’d enjoyed their meals.
‘Do some research of your own if you don’t believe me,’ Brett said when they had all been silent for a few moments.
‘It’s not that I don’t believe you, I just think my situation isn’t that serious,’ Alice said.
‘It’s your life. Only you know what you’re living, experiencing. But please don’t bury your head in the sand and be in denial just for a job and money.’
‘I’m sorry you haven’t had a supportive family, Brett. That’s sad,’ Lauren said, laying her hand on his arm and looking up at him.
‘Thanks, but don’t pity me, Lauren. It is what it is. I’ve dealt with it – well, I’m dealing with it, probably will be for as long as I live. That’s how it feels, anyway.’
Chapter Fourteen
Monday morning Alice reluctantly said goodbye to Bill. She was finding it increasingly difficult to muster enough energy to head off to work. She’d never had this problem with uni, even the tutorials with old Dr Bragg – the lecturer from hell. She was tired from lack of sleep thanks to the constant churning of work-related thoughts that kept turning over in her mind, and bad dreams that saw her wake with fright several times a night. Thankfully David was a reasonably deep sleeper and didn’t tell her off for disturbing him.
She was annoyed with herself for letting Carmel get to her. Just ignore them and they’ll go away, her mother had said on the few occasions Alice had told her about the bullying at school. She couldn’t exactly ignore Carmel, now could she? Or what Brett had said and what she’d read about narcissists and gaslighting, et cetera. It was seriously scary stuff. But did it really apply to her, to such a dangerous extent? Perhaps she could keep a lower profile at work, and if Carmel’s limited contact continued, it would help.
Alice scowled at David’s back, insanely jealous that he was taking the day off in lieu of his recent travel. She was also trying really hard not to be annoyed at him for his latest ‘pep talk’ last night, when he’d as good as told her that what she was experiencing was her own fault.
‘Just do everything right and she won’t have any cause to pick on you, will she?’ he’d said. Alice had been stunned at his comment. Had he not listened to her at all or did he not care? It was clear he cared about her ability to contribute to the mortgage …
After he’d said it, she’d turned from the kitchen bench where she was cutting up some fresh fruit for their dessert, ready to retaliate. But David had walked away and was standing with his back to her, practising his golf swing minus the club. Alice was beginning to see David was often in a world of his own. She’d always known he was quite self-obsessed – his confidence, decisiveness and snappy dressing were things she’d originally been attracted to – but was he getting worse? She’d barely spoken to him for the rest of the evening and this morning, but again, he didn’t seem to notice. Suddenly the alarm Alice set on her phone to get her to t
he train on time, since her mushy brain could no longer be trusted, went off and she snapped to attention.
‘Bye. Have a good day,’ she said, in truth more to Bill than David.
‘You too. Just remember who the boss is. You need this job,’ David called cheerfully as she made her way up the hall. Alice hadn’t told David about what Brett had said and what else she’d read because she couldn’t bear a further show of his lack of support. If she heard the words ‘Oh, Alice, don’t be silly,’ come out of his mouth one more time she might actually scream.
As she walked to the station, Alice thought about quitting, if only to piss David off. She sighed. Where was this coming from? She wasn’t vindictive. She didn’t pick fights. This was her partner, the man she loved. It was just a rocky patch all round. Sometimes she wondered if David was really as composed as he appeared, or if it was something he worked hard at. Was there a volcano inside of him getting ready to explode at some point? What would it take? Alice shook it all aside to try to focus on getting into work mode.
God, I don’t want to go, she thought as she climbed the stairs to the platform, each step feeling as if she were lifting concrete blocks attached to her feet.
As she walked from the station to work her heart began to race. She was actually feeling fearful. Stop it! she told herself, pausing and taking a few deep breaths. You’re being ridiculous. You can’t let it, let Carmel, get to you. But how do I not? was her next thought. Why can’t people just be nice? And genuine.
‘Hi, good weekend?’ Alice said as she stepped into the lift with Pip and Jared. It was a relief to see their friendly faces.
‘Yep,’ Pip said. ‘You?’
‘Yes, thanks. Nice and relaxing,’ she said, smiling through the lie.
Alice said goodbye and wished them both a good day and moved on to her cubicle in the corner. She sat down and took a moment to assess how she was feeling. Stressed. Damn it. God, I hope Carmel’s not in. She went over to Carmel’s area and glanced around to check for signs of her boss – recently used coffee mug on her desk, phone or handbag. Nothing. Usually this would see her relax. Today, however, it made Alice feel more anxious. Carmel had a scary knack of materialising silently beside her. The first few days it hadn’t bothered Alice, but now just the thought of Carmel suddenly appearing, looking over her shoulder to her computer screen, made her feel jumpy. Stop it, Alice. Get on with putting the weekend results into the database. That was another thing Alice realised she’d started doing sometime in the last few weeks – talking to herself in her head, guiding herself through tasks gently like Jen had. Thankfully she hadn’t started speaking her thoughts aloud, but with the uncertainty around everything she was feeling lately who would know. Pip and Jared hadn’t mentioned it, so hopefully she’d done nothing more than mumble occasionally. Alice felt she needed this constant mental dialogue with herself to keep on top of things. Okay, she said silently, let’s get these done. You’ve got this.
A Life of Her Own Page 11