A Life of Her Own

by Fiona McCallum

  Alice remained confused. She could see what Carmel was upset about, but couldn’t understand why. Wasn’t a personal assistant meant to catch the ball if her boss dropped it? Wasn’t the company all about looking after clients? And why have the phone put through to her if she was not meant to actually do anything about the calls she took on Carmel’s behalf? Alice’s temples were pulsing hard.

  No matter how many times she shook her head – physically or mentally – Alice couldn’t understand why what she’d done was wrong. One thing Carmel was right about, she thought, was she had to pull herself together, clean herself up, and get back to work. At least she hadn’t been fired. She sighed, dried her eyes and blew her nose loudly before slipping out of the room and racing into the ladies bathroom, which was thankfully just next door. She stared into the mirror, wondering how to get her puffy eyes and red raw face back to normal without any makeup to hand. She couldn’t stand there all day and wait for nature to take its course. Alice knew that in minutes Carmel would be on the warpath looking for her, or someone would come in wanting to use the facilities and ask her what was wrong. She didn’t want to give Carmel any more ammunition or cause to look down at her with that demoralising sneer – it was perhaps even worse than her cutting words. That look of disgust mixed with satisfaction. That’s what it seemed to Alice. She’s just a bully, Alice silently and gently told her reflection, rise above it. She wet a wad of paper towels and held it to her face and eyes and then, when the heat had subsided, she patted herself dry.

  Alice was glad Bianca wasn’t at reception – it was the lunch fill-in, Amy, sitting there on the phone. Carmel didn’t look up when Alice walked past her to resume her position behind her own desk. In fact Carmel didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day, despite Alice asking her several questions in order to clarify things she was working on. Each time Carmel put on a very good show of not actually having heard her. Finally Alice twigged on the third occasion of being ignored. And was stunned. You’re seriously giving me the silent treatment. What are you, twelve? Alice thought, shaking her head with disbelief as she returned to her desk. Carmel eventually answered each of her queries, but by email – snarly little one-liners.

  Near the end of the day Alice was shocked to realise she’d been staring at her computer for several minutes daydreaming about sticking the sharp letter opener into the back of Carmel’s neck. Jesus, what am I becoming? Shocked, Alice was beginning to see how murders were committed.

  As she left the office, she briefly thought about trying to catch up with Brenda, but decided Carmel would love to have more ammunition to bully her about being a tattle tale, or the satisfaction of Alice giving in and quitting. Anyway, she’d already embarrassed herself enough for one day.

  She was still running through the events in her head while cooking dinner – they just wouldn’t leave her alone. And she was no less confused about her day by the time David walked in after having gone to the driving range to belt a bucket load of balls out into space. Perhaps that’s what she should do to deal with the stress, she thought. Golf had never appealed to her, despite David initially wanting it to be their ‘thing’ to do together on weekends. Alice just didn’t see the point. To her it was not only a waste of a nice walk, but an expensive waste. Sometimes she did go and walk around with him while he played.

  She was still teary, and frustrated she couldn’t pull herself together. She’d deliberately decided to cook with onions so she could blame them for her red eyes if David noticed and said something. And she’d chosen to make risotto so she could appear engrossed and not have to engage with him too much. She’d decided she was not going to tell him about her day.

  ‘I’m loving the new driver,’ he declared. ‘And my slice is improving,’ he said, sidling up to her while moving his arms in a swinging motion.

  ‘That’s great,’ she said, managing a decent show of enthusiasm.

  ‘How was your day? Better?’

  ‘Yes, thanks, pretty good.’

  ‘See, I told you, didn’t I?’ he said with pride. At that moment Alice thought she might actually hate David. Instead of being startled by the thought, she just felt sad and lonely.

  Thank goodness for you, Bill. She looked across at the little dog curled up in the bed nearby. As if reading her thoughts, he opened his eyes, looked up at her over his paws, and flapped his tail. Darling thing, she thought, hoping he’d pick that up too. She’d be a complete wreck if she didn’t have him. Tears pricked again at the idea of life without him in it.

  ‘Hey, are you okay? Your eyes are red,’ David said, peering at her, frowning.

  ‘Onions,’ she said. ‘And allergies,’ she added for reinforcement. Though, did anyone suffer hay fever this time of year?

  ‘Ah. Yep, that’ll do it,’ he said cheerfully. ‘Wine?’

  ‘No, thanks. I’ve got a bit of a headache.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  On Friday morning Alice sat on the couch after her shower and taking Bill for his walk. She was in her robe and would be running late for work if she didn’t get dressed and leave in the next seven minutes. But she could not make herself move. She stared into space, dazed, her brain empty. Alice thought she should be concerned that she felt so relaxed when ordinarily she’d be a ball of anxiety.

  She searched her body for aches and pains – something she could use as a reason to call in sick. She was past caring that she wouldn’t be paid if she didn’t go in, having not accrued enough leave yet.

  Thankfully David wasn’t there trying to give one of his cajoling spiels, which she could only hope were well meaning. He’d gone to the office early to be in on a conference call with one of the overseas offices.

  ‘Oh, Bill, what am I going to do?’ she said to the dog sitting beside her with his head on her thigh. Bill snuggled closer, looked up adoringly at her and flapped his tail. Alice rubbed his soft silky ears. I’ve got to get organised and go. Carmel will be furious if I’m late.

  At the thought of Carmel, a shiver made its way from the back of her skull right down her spine, leaving an icy feeling in its wake. Tears erupted. She hugged her robe tighter to her, not so much against the cold but to comfort her clenching insides. Her chest was so tight it hurt. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. If she didn’t turn up, Carmel would have an absolute conniption. She really had better get going. But still Alice sat. She watched the digital clock on David’s flash sound system in front of her click onto the time her last train left the station to get her to work by eight forty-five. She couldn’t make herself care. Alice stared at her phone on the table in front of her. Dare she call in sick? Her pulse quickened as she picked the phone up. She turned it over in her hand. Who should she call? Other than Carmel. She couldn’t bear to hear her scorn, her criticism. What had the handbook said? Alice didn’t have a clue. She could call Bianca on reception when nine o’clock arrived. Brenda. She’d call Brenda from HR. Wasn’t this within her job description? Probably not. Alice was a little ashamed at how gutless she was being. And then it dawned on her slowly, like a bank of beautiful thick black clouds rolling in over the ocean onto land ahead of a storm. I never want to face Carmel again. Ever. And I don’t have to. I’m going to quit. David, you can shove your patronising comments and disappointment up your arse – you don’t know what it’s like. Carmel, you won. Well done. Let me be a statistic. I no longer care.

  ‘Bill,’ she said, causing the dog to look up at her and flap his tail, ‘I quit. And I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks.’ God, swearing felt good. Yep, sometimes there was no better word than ‘fuck’. If only she’d told Carmel to fuck off. That might be her only regret about quitting like this.

  Alice turned the phone over and began to search for Brenda – HR. Her insides quivered, but this time more from nervous excitement than fear. God, am I really going to do this? Seriously? Yes! She dragged her finger across the green spot to dial. She took several quiet, deep breaths while waiting. A part of her wanted it to go to voicemail. She’d
give her name and say, I quit, tell Carmel she won. I’m not coming back, and then hang up. Her heart rate spiked as Brenda answered.

  ‘Alice. Hi. Is everything okay?’

  ‘Hi, Brenda. No. I can’t do this for another day. I’m not coming in again – ever. I understand I don’t have to give notice, since I’m on probation. Right?’ Alice’s heart was hammering so hard she could barely hear herself think.

  ‘Yes, that’s right. Alice, just slow down a second.’

  ‘I’ve made up my mind. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, but I just can’t do it anymore. Carmel is too much for me.’ There, I’ve said it! Oh how Alice hated admitting that.

  ‘I understand. I’m very sorry to see you leave, but you have to do what’s right for you. Could I just ask a favour of you, though?’

  ‘You can ask.’ Alice felt a little sad to be letting Brenda down. She really liked the quietly spoken woman.

  ‘Meet with me this morning for coffee.’

  ‘Oh.’ Alice looked down at herself. That would require getting out of her robe, into clothes, and leaving the house. She wasn’t planning on doing that.

  ‘Please. You need to return your security pass, and it would really mean a lot to me. I feel I’ve let you down.’

  ‘Oh, Brenda, please don’t feel that. Okay, sure, I’ll have coffee with you. But not near the office.’

  ‘Great. That’s fine. How about nine forty-five?’ Brenda said.

  ‘That’s fine.’ Oh, and I still need reimbursement of the taxi fare and shoe repair.

  ‘I’ll text you the address of a little place out of the way.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll see you there.’

  ‘Thanks, Alice, I’ll see you soon. And, Alice?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Thanks for agreeing to meet with me – I really appreciate it.’ Alice hung up the phone. She was still shaking slightly.

  ‘I did it, Bill, I actually did it.’ She sat back into the couch to gauge how she felt. Good? Not really. Relieved? Yes, definitely. Scared? Yep, kind of – of meeting with Brenda and of what David would say. If he loves me he’ll understand, or at least be okay with my decision. Alice took several long, deep breaths. She’d better get cracking if she were to get into the city and to the café in time.

  ‘Don’t worry, Billy boy, I won’t be long. I promise. Only a couple of hours, tops.’

  Outside the world felt much brighter to Alice than it had just an hour or so before when she’d gone for her walk. She almost laughed at her thought and at how much better everything seemed this morning now she was free. She nearly broke into a skip on her way to the train station. She just hoped Brenda wouldn’t try to change her mind. She’d hate to have to disappoint her further.

  Alice found the café Brenda had chosen down an alley. It was a lovely place – grungy chic, she supposed the colourful, cluttered, slightly old-fashioned decor would be called. She stepped inside the dark space and looked around for Brenda, and saw her tucked away in the corner at a small table.

  ‘Hi, Alice, thanks for coming,’ Brenda said. They hugged, Alice thinking Brenda held on longer than was usual for two colleagues who barely knew each other.

  ‘I’ll just get us a coffee. What would you like?’

  ‘A latte would be lovely, thank you.’

  Alice waited for Brenda to return. It seemed to take forever and when she came back with their drinks Alice saw why – they didn’t do table service.

  ‘Ah, that’s good coffee,’ Brenda said after taking a sip. She closed her eyes briefly and the slack look on her face and the sigh she let out as she put her cup down suggested a moment of pure ecstasy. Alice smiled and found herself relaxing a little.

  ‘Mmm. It certainly is.’

  ‘Brenda.’ ‘Alice,’ they said, speaking at once.

  ‘Sorry. You go,’ Brenda said quickly.

  ‘I just want to say I’m really sorry for letting you down and leaving the company in the lurch by leaving so suddenly. It’s not me. Actually, I have not liked the person I’ve become recently. Once, I would never have considered being so unprofessional, but I just can’t spend another second with Carmel, as pathetic as that sounds.’

  ‘It’s okay, Alice. I agree, it’s not ideal, but I do understand. You have to do what’s right for you. At the end of the day it is only a job. And as you were on probation, Gold, Taylor and Murphy could terminate you at any moment if they chose. It cuts both ways. So don’t feel bad. Some things just aren’t meant to be.’

  ‘Thanks for saying that. I’m disappointed though. I was so sure I’d … Oh it doesn’t matter now. Here’s my pass before I forget,’ Alice said, handing over her security pass with the lanyard wrapped around it. ‘I don’t ever want to go into that building again.’

  ‘It’s no trouble for me to hand it in.’

  ‘The other thing, and this is a little awkward, but I never got the thirty dollars reimbursed from the shoe repair I picked up for Carmel that day of the meeting. Unfortunately I don’t have the receipt – I left it with the shoes on Carmel’s desk at the time, so I now can’t prove it. She denies she ever saw it.’ Alice cringed. God she hated sounding like a dobber.

  ‘Right. I’m sure I can get payment sorted. Thirty dollars?’ Brenda said, making a note in her phone.

  ‘Yes. Thanks. Also, I’m so sorry to be loading all this onto you, but I had a forty-eight dollar taxi fare too when I …’

  ‘Ah, the keys, yes. I heard about that.’

  Alice coloured and looked down at the table in an effort to hide her embarrassment.

  ‘Oh, don’t be embarrassed, Alice, management was very impressed.’

  Alice looked up, frowning.

  ‘Seriously. Well, not Carmel, probably. But, the woman, Catherine Watson, I think it was, rang Paul, insisted on speaking with him to say how you saved the day.’

  ‘Oh, that was nice of her. I have the taxi receipt,’ Alice said, opening her large wallet and fossicking through it. ‘Here,’ she said, handing it over. ‘I just didn’t know who to claim it from or how.’

  ‘I’ll take care of it – I’ll have both payments included in your final pay. Leave it with me.’

  ‘Right. Okay, I think that’s all I needed to tell you about,’ Alice said. She was relieved to have it all out of the way and out of her head. For the first time in days her brain was actually thinking clearly and logically. The fog was starting to lift. ‘I’m sorry to unload that on you, but I’ve been so all over the place that I needed to deal with it before I forgot.’ Because after this I don’t ever want to give Gold, Taylor and Murphy Real Estate another thought! ‘Now that’s me sorted, what did you want to see me about?’

  ‘I just wanted to check you were all right and apologise in person for not being around enough to give you the support you needed and deserved. I’m afraid I’ve been dealing with a few personal issues.’

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry. I hope everything is okay.’

  ‘It will be. But it’s meant I haven’t been there for you as much as I’ve wanted to be, as much as I ordinarily would have been. I feel I’ve let you down, Alice. Please accept my apologies.’ Brenda looked down at the table.

  Alice felt sorry for her. She was probably very good at her job, but, like Alice, she had been hamstrung. And of course she had to toe the company line so she might not be able to be as honest as she wanted to be.

  ‘It’s not your fault, Brenda.’ Not your fault that Carmel’s an evil, manipulative bitch. ‘And you did try to help. I know that.’

  ‘That’s very generous of you.’

  ‘I know now it’s not entirely me,’ Alice said, suddenly feeling a little bolder. ‘I was good at what I did before meeting Carmel and having her systematically break me down. Do you know, I could probably sue for the anguish, the mental torture? I won’t, I’m just glad I’ve seen the light. I know you can’t comment because of your loyalty and professionalism, but the way Carmel treats people is not okay, regardless of how much money she brings in.�
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  ‘I know it’s not. And, you’re right, I can’t comment. Oh. I’d better get going,’ Brenda said, checking her watch. ‘Thank you so much for meeting with me, Alice.’

  ‘Thank you, Brenda, for everything – for at least trying.’

  ‘I will make sure the extra money for the shoes and taxi are added to your final pay,’ she said, getting up.

  Alice stood and the two women hugged again. This time it didn’t feel weird that they lingered.

  ‘Good luck, Alice. And remember, you have great skills and are a truly lovely human being.’

  Alice felt a wave of sadness at watching Brenda leave. She sat back down to compose herself before heading off. Wow, I’m free. I really am. Well, now what? I’m going to go home and spend a quiet day with Bill. She would not think about what was next, beyond that. She needed to recover from Cyclone Carmel. Alice felt a lot stronger already.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Alice texted Lauren: OMG I did it! I quit! Eek!

  She didn’t really expect a response as Lauren was a morning person and she was probably in the throes of writing. Alice didn’t want to be the one to stop whatever flow of words might be happening, which is why she’d sent a text instead of calling. Though, she realised, Lauren would surely have her phone turned off or on silent if she didn’t want to be disturbed. She almost jumped with joy when her phone sounded with a response:

  Well done YOU! Text me your address and I’ll bring cake to celebrate. Xx

  Seriously? Alice replied.

  Absolutely! Xx

  And then the phone actually rang. Lauren’s name was on the screen.

  ‘Hey,’ Alice said.

  ‘Unless you don’t want the company,’ Lauren said without preamble. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Yes. No. Honestly, I don’t know now,’ Alice said as a mixture of emotions started to swamp her.