Held for the Stud

by Vonna Harper

  Whether Koko remained a stud wasn’t her call. She shouldn’t have said what she had, but what was one more thing Banner might take exception to? If Banner decided to lay down the law with her, she’d have his attention. It might be worth it.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “He needs more exercise,” Dade said when it was just Asha and him. The mares had wandered off to graze, but Koko remained close. He occasionally pawed the ground and had reared a couple of times, but mostly he studied the humans who were studying him. His lush coat glittered in the sun. His arched neck made the muscles there stand out. If she were an artist, she’d paint him. How she’d love to own a foal with him as its sire. “All that pent-up energy—”

  “Are you volunteering to run him?” she asked.

  “I wish.”

  Obviously he couldn’t. Folding her arms over her breasts to keep from hugging the injured soldier, she fixed her attention on Koko. She wondered if the stallion knew they were talking about him.

  Banner had ended the tense conversation by reminding Andy that he’d offered to change the oil in two of the operation’s vehicles. Croft had brought a case of motor oil with him and Banner wanted Andy to get to work. Andy would be kept on a short leash for as long as Banner and Croft decided he needed one. Listening to the men discuss who was responsible for what, her admiration for Banner grew. No matter what he thought of her, he didn’t hesitate to assume responsibility for a great many things.

  She couldn’t help but respect him.

  As things were breaking up, Banner had told her to come to the office after dinner. There’d been nothing in his tone to give her an inkling of what he had in mind. Probably he wanted her to think about that for an extended period of time, to either dread or look forward to seeing him.

  Both.

  Dade was using a stick to draw something in the dirt. She recognized it as a device designed to walk a horse around a center pole like a merry-go-round. Driven by a motor, the hot walker could go indefinitely and thus keep a horse’s blood flowing.

  “I like that,” she said.

  “Do you?” Sighing, Dade turned his attention to Koko. “He’s frustrated. Looking for something to do with all that energy.”

  “You read him the same way I do.” She indicated the drawing. “Unfortunately, I don’t think a hot walker is in the budget. I guess I could look online to see if anyone has a used one for sale.”

  “I can make it,” Dade said.

  “You can?”

  “Sure. All I need are the materials.”

  Struck by his enthusiasm, she settled her attention on him. “I’ve seen metal pipes in the workshop. Some should be long enough for what you have in mind but I’d be surprised if they’re set up for welding here.”

  “Not a problem. I’ll have my uncle ship my mask, gloves, torch and other supplies here.”

  “You know how to weld?”

  “I’m not bad.” For the first time, she saw what might turn into a smile on Dade. “After high school I apprenticed with a professional welder. My parents insist their kids—there are four of us—can support ourselves. Mom pointed out that only a fool would think he can rodeo past his thirties, if that. She could handle watching her oldest son competing, barely, but I had to have something to fall back on. Otherwise she’d disown me.”

  “She’s a wise woman.”

  “One of the best.”

  The love in Dade’s voice tightened her throat. Trying to distract herself from what she was feeling, she took the stick from him and drew ropes that dangled from the hot walker’s arms. The ropes would attach to a halter.

  “Did I say something I shouldn’t have?” he asked. “You look sad.”

  “No. Not—I envy you.”

  “Your mother’s different?”

  “Unfortunately. Don’t mind me. I got what I got in the way of a parent. I know how to deal with it.”

  “But sometimes reality gets to you. I understand.” Dade massaged his hips. “Believe me, I do.”

  “What happened?” She held up a hand like it was a stop sign. “I’m sorry. I have no right asking.”

  “Not many people say anything. They act like they don’t notice.”

  “But you can’t.”

  “No.” He groaned. “Not for a damned second.”

  Her attention back on Koko, she decided to take the chance. “What happened? I get the feeling you don’t want to talk about this, but you should tell someone.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Because if you don’t open up it’ll eat at you. I’m speaking from experience.”

  “You’re part of this stupid war we’ve been fighting for decades?”

  “Thankfully no, but I know what it’s like to be kicked in the teeth.”

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “Okay, here’s my story. There’s nothing exciting about it, no great battle won, no foe vanquished.” He continued to massage his hips. “Chalk this messed-up body to lousy brakes on a military Jeep and the pothole from hell. That was one bronc I couldn’t stay on for eight seconds.”

  He was trying to make light of something that wasn’t. Dade reminded her of a wild horse. The wrong move or word from her and he’d take off. However, until he closed himself off from her, she’d do what she could to keep the lines of communication between them open. Dade could use that. So could she.

  “What I don’t understand,” she said, “is what the hell Andy was thinking, if anything, when he challenged you?”

  “So he wouldn’t have to think about what happened to him.”

  Impressed by the young man’s wisdom, she dropped the stick. Determined to give Dade some space, she turned her attention to Koko. The horse lowered his head and extended his muzzle toward Dade, who presented Koko with the flat of his hand to sniff. She wouldn’t be surprised if Koko understood that something was bothering the human.

  “Andy and I have to work things out,” Dade said. “I’m not ready for that.”

  “What are you ready for, other than building something designed to wear Koko out?”

  “I’m not sure. The best I can do is one day at a time. Finding a reason to be.”

  She was only a few years older than Dade, but she wanted to mother him, to hold him against her. To be wise.

  “Take responsibility for Koko,” she said. “Show him you care about him.”

  “I guess.”

  “Don’t be like that.” She wasn’t angry at Dade. She understood that the words ‘I guess’ were a cover. Dade was far from ready to expose himself, but he needed to know she wasn’t satisfied with his avoidance. “Either convince me that you give a damn about Koko or tell me to shut the hell up. Which is it going to be?”

  He leaned over as if to pick up the stick. Cursing, he straightened. “I give a damn about the horse,” he said through clenched teeth.

  Not trying to blink back tears, she captured Dade’s hand. “I feel the same way about you.”

  “You don’t know me.”

  Yes, I do. “I understand vulnerability. Hell, I grew up living with it every damn day.”

  He squeezed back. “Tell me.”

  “Only if you do the same.”

  “You can’t want to hear—”

  “The hell I don’t.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I saw,” Banner said.

  It was nearly dark. She’d stalled over a dinner she hadn’t tasted and was now in the office. A low-wattage lamp on the desk was lit. Otherwise the room was awash in shadows, but she had no trouble making out the binoculars near a small monitor.

  “You were spying on me.” She didn’t bother making it a question.

  “You and Dade.”

  “Why did you?”

  “You shouldn’t have to ask.”

  Banner had been sitting behind the desk when she’d walked in. He hadn’t moved, his stillness both unnerving and exciting. There was something coiled about the man, a creature capable of any activity including punishing her f
or any number of real and perceived infractions of his rules. As for why he’d insisted on those ground rules—maybe she didn’t want to know. The only thing she was certain of was that Banner’s body was speaking to hers. Keeping her awake and aware.

  “All right. I won’t push for an explanation.” The room was full of him. “Is your friend Croft still here?”

  He shifted a fraction. “No.”

  Stop making me crazy. “That’s too bad.”

  When he didn’t respond, she went to the window and looked out, not really seeing anything. All afternoon, when she hadn’t been replaying what she and Dade had talked about, she’d mulled over what might take place between her and Banner. After too much time and energy, she’d vowed to stop trying because she might never understand why he did some of the things he did.

  Dangerous or not, she needed to be close to him. To experience his brand of domination, along with countless other things.

  “Why do you say that?” he asked.

  Engage your brain. Don’t let him know what he’s done to you. “It’s obvious you two are close friends. He knows things about you no one else does.”

  “Why would you care?”

  There it was, yet another example of all the ways he kept himself shuttered. She wondered if he realized she understood as much about him as she did because they were a great deal alike. “I care. It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.”

  A curse filled the air as he stood. “What did you and Dade talk about? Why did you hug him?”

  She dealt with Banner’s unsettling and commanding presence by folding her arms over her breasts. She’d done that with Dade, but then she hadn’t been trying to protect herself. Now she was, maybe. “Which question do you want answered first?”

  Banner glowered. “You’re pushing it.”

  “Am I?”

  “All right,” he ground out. “What did you hope to accomplish with an embrace? If Dade knew how to handle what’s rattling around in his brain, he’d be doing it. He wouldn’t be here.”

  Maybe you wouldn’t either. “Dade’s in a lot of pain. Not just physical but between his ears. I thought—I hoped it would help if I made it clear that I care about him.”

  “And you didn’t concern yourself with anything else?” Banner came around the table and leaned against it. Despite her frustration with him, she wanted to see what his ass looked like under the denim, to touch his flesh. Stroke and kiss. Run her lips over his mouth. That done, she’d shift her attention to his back and kiss his scar until he lowered his walls and let her in. Whether she reached her goal didn’t matter. She had to try.

  Something molten caught her. She didn’t dare press her hands to her crotch. Not touching herself there took all her willpower.

  “I think I know what you’re thinking.” Her cheeks were so hot she was sure he could tell. “You’re trying to determine whether the lesson you exacted on me has sunk in.”

  “And what lesson is that?”

  She struggled to keep her gaze level. Why hadn’t she realized how intense things would become between them? “You don’t want me getting involved with the soldiers. You expect me to act like they aren’t human beings.”

  “And why would I want that?”

  Had he come closer? Maybe she’d imagined it. The only thing she was certain of was that he filled the room. Had become the very air. Despite the danger he represented, she longed to cling to him and present her naked body to him. She’d aim his erection at the hot place between her legs. They’d fuck each other senseless. Turn themselves stupid but satisfied.

  But what if the only thing he wanted from her was access to her ass for punishment? Could she give him that?

  The question threatened to make her laugh. After all, hadn’t he helped open her up back there? Maybe he had a larger butt plug somewhere. Maybe he’d insert ever-bigger tools into her until she easily accommodated him. The thought made her both uneasy and excited. The damnable man was turning her inside out.

  “I know animals.” She was glad he couldn’t read her thoughts. “According to you I don’t know the first thing about men, particularly those who aren’t sure staying alive is worth the battle.”

  Something dangerous and exposed flickered in his eyes. She both wanted to protect what he needed to protect and force him to lay himself bare.

  “The men here are close to if not at the edge,” he said. “They want everyone to think they have it together, but they don’t. They might never.”

  “You’re right.” Her eyes grew hot, distracting her from the aura of pure male. “Dade acknowledged that.”

  “What did you say to him?”

  “That he had every right to feel like he did and to tell me.” Despite the tears she had no doubt he could see, she returned Banner’s stare. “That there have been many times when I felt the same way.”

  “You? You talked to him about yourself?”

  She couldn’t tell whether he was being critical, but it was too late to take anything back. Maybe she didn’t want to.

  “I’m not a shrink,” she said. “The only thing I can give him is my personal experience.”

  “How did he react?”

  “He didn’t say much.”

  “Damn. That’s what I was afraid of.”

  Uneasy, she tried to focus on the night, but not staying locked on Banner and his emotions might be dangerous.

  “Are you saying there’s only one way of dealing with a fucked-up soldier?” she asked. “Maybe you think it’s like saddling a green-broke horse. A too-tight or too-loose cinch, a quick movement or unexpected sound and everything goes to hell? Keep it simple and you’ll wind up with a pony a toddler can ride? I’ll never believe it’s that simple.”

  “Why not?”

  He leaned toward her, seemingly expanding without having taken a step. He reminded her of the horses she’d just mentioned. The animals acted. Did.

  He was the same way.

  “Being alive isn’t simple,” she said. “Life is a never-ending series of tests.”

  “I agree, but men like Dade barely have it together. Someone says the wrong thing and they blow up.”

  “I hate thinking of Dade or anyone else in those terms. He’s so young. A boy.”

  “He used to be. An enemy’s weapon killed the child. I don’t know why he tells people he was in an accident. His vehicle hit a land mine.”

  “I know.”

  “He told you?”

  “Finally. Once he realized he could trust me.”

  Banner frowned. “You can’t get in Dade’s head.”

  “Or in yours.” She waited a beat. “But I’m smack in the middle of mine. I gave Dade some insight into what’s there.” Shocked by how deep the conversation had gone, she pressed a hand to the side of her head.

  “In other words you opened up to him,” Banner said. “Now you expect him to pick up your garbage and add it to the shitload he’s already carrying.”

  “No, I don’t! It wasn’t like that!” The room shrank. She was running out of words. If she couldn’t come up with something, she’d tell Banner about the truly personal part of her conversation with his friend.

  “Then what was it like?”

  No matter how much she tried to remember which of them had said what, she couldn’t. If Banner wanted a detailed rendition of the conversation he had to stop infringing on her space and messing with her nerves. Her body.

  Her heart.

  “This isn’t getting us anywhere,” she said. “What were you going to say?”

  “Back off, damn it. Don’t dump on the Dades of the world.”

  “Not just Dade,” she whispered. “You too. That’s what you don’t want to admit.”

  His stare darkened.

  Not sure she was getting anywhere, she forged on. “When I was fairly sure he needed to hear it, I told Dade something that will never be personal to him because he’s a man.” Or to you. “I wanted him to believe I trust him and for him to feel the s
ame way about me. If nothing else, hopefully I made it clear that he can confide in me.”

  “By dumping on him.”

  There was nothing casual about Banner’s use of the word ’dumping’. He was determined to make sure she got and kept his point. She was exhausted, done with arguing. Let him do whatever he intended to her. Anything to get this over with so, maybe, my heart can start to recover from what you’ve done to it.

  “Discipline me. Have it your way.” The challenge made her feel a little stronger.

  “Oh, I will.” He pointed at the laptop on the desk. “Do you remember what I told you about Andy and his fetish for women’s underwear?”

  “How could I forget? He snuck into a female soldier’s room and stole some of her garments.”

  “Right. Dade has a thing for porn. Bondage in particular.”

  “A lot of people do, women as well as men.”

  “That’s good to know. Back when he was a civilian, he had a reputation as a gentleman. Buckle bunnies—that’s what they call women who follow the rodeo circuit in hopes of getting laid—they all said he treated them with respect.”

  “And now he doesn’t?”

  “He isn’t the man he used to be.”

  “Of course he isn’t. My God, surely you understand that.”

  “Oh yes.” His expression became pensive, less confrontive. “Believe me, I do. But I have to seriously consider the direction that change has taken. Dade hasn’t spent much time around women lately. Don’t be surprised if he fantasizes about tying you up and forcing you to do whatever he wants.”

  “Fortunately no one can get locked up because of our imagination. I’m more concerned with where he is emotionally.”

  She readied herself for a reminder that Dade’s emotions weren’t her concern. “Did he talk about that?” Banner asked instead.

  “Yes.”

  “Were you going to tell me?”

  “I haven’t decided.”

  “Why haven’t you?”

  Keep talking. Maybe we’ll both say vital things. “I guess—in part because I was trying to process what we did talk about. His interest in bondage was only one aspect of the conversation.”

  “What were the other aspects?”