Mayhem, Murder and the PTA

by Dave Cravens

  “I might also suggest making nice with Heller,” added Valerie. “It sounds like you gave her a big black eye last night.”

  Parker’s eyes widened with a smile. “Omigod, I haven’t told you! Heller called me last night!”

  “Last night?” Valerie sounded skeptical.

  Parker pointed to the living room. “I get home, everybody’s asleep, so I take my skirt off and curl up on the couch to pass out.”

  “Of course.”

  “Then, at about 10pm, I wake up to my phone going off, but as soon as I pick up, the caller hangs up!” Parker’s breathing picked up, excited at dispensing her own gossip. “I check the number, I don’t recognize it, but I see it’s local, so I call back.”

  “And?”

  “Goes straight to voicemail. ‘Hi, this is Karen Heller, I’m currently away from my desk butt-fucking parents over every chance I get, please leave a message and I’ll get back to you.’”

  Valerie gnawed on the rim of her blue horn-rimmed sun glasses. “That’s not what her voicemail said.”

  “The point is, she felt compelled to call me. Maybe, I got through to her!”

  “All the more reason to reach out.” Valerie checked her watch, a clear sign she was anxious to meet her friends.

  Parker grimaced, knowing she’d lost her mother’s attention. “Go. Do your brunch thing with the girls and talk about me behind my back.”

  Valerie pretended to pout. “You sure you don’t want me to bring Ally? The girls would love seeing her.”

  Parker smiled at her mother’s empty gesture. She knew Ally’s car seat wouldn’t fit into Valerie’s two seat convertible Jaguar. The correct answer would be: “No, of course not! Go have fun!” Which is precisely what Parker offered.

  “Excellent,” said Valerie. “I’m going to grab a different purse. Please make sure your car isn’t blocking mine.”

  “Of course,” answered Parker. Valerie’s Jaguar hadn’t seen the light of day since school started, stuck in the garage like a dusty trophy.

  Parker watched her mother disappear around the bend only to find Maddy, leaning against the corner, arms folded, scowl at maximum power as she relentlessly tapped her foot. Parker pasted a smile on her face. “Yes?”

  32.

  “Were you going to ever tell me?”

  asked Maddy. She arched her left brow.

  Parker squinted. “Tell you--what?”

  Maddy rolled her eyes in the typical Duhhh, how is it not obvious? fashion and stomped her foot. “You know! About how the whole—”

  Parker suddenly felt her phone buzz in her back pocket. She raised her index finger to shush Maddy. If this was Heller calling back she wanted to take it. “Hold on, I gotta get this.” Parker pressed the phone to her ear as her daughter tossed her in hands into the air. “Hello! Mr. Bernstein?” Shit, false alarm. “How are you?”

  “I hope I’m not interrupting,” answered Bernstein. “I’m just, well—” His voice trailed off.

  He sounds nervous. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m—feeling a little sick, actually. Flu, I think.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Parker waited for a response. “Did you need something?”

  “I—just can’t help but be curious, I guess. How did the meeting go?”

  “Oh, right!” Parker slapped her forehead. “Yes, the PTA approved the fundraiser, Mr. Bernstein.”

  Bernstein let out a sigh of relief. “That’s—wonderful news.”

  “We’re not out of the woods yet, though, we still need to raise the money.”

  “Of course.”

  “Will we see you tonight for Maddy’s lesson?”

  “About that,” Bernstein coughed. “The spirit is willing, but the body—not so much. Please apologize to Maddy for me and have her repeat this week’s practice schedule.”

  “I will. I hope you feel better.”

  “Yes, thank you. Good bye.”

  Mr. Bernstein’s line clicked off before Parker could even respond. She blinked to get her train of thought back. “Maddy, what were you--?” Parker blinked again, realizing her daughter no longer stood in front of her. “Maddy?”

  “Never mind,” whined Maddy as she darted past with her backpack in tow.

  “Wait!” Parker chased her daughter into the living room. “Come on, Maddy, talk to me! What were you going to say?”

  Maddy stopped in front of the large living room picture window. She slowly turned to her mother with another roll of her eyes.

  Don’t your eyes get tired of doing that?

  Maddy gulped. “What I was trying to say was—”

  “Shit!” Parker muttered under her breath. Her eyes suddenly tracked Valerie driving away on the street in the window behind Maddy. “I was supposed to move my car!”

  Maddy grimaced. “What?”

  Parker waved the thought off. “No worries, your grandmother obviously made it out okay. I’m sorry, what were you going to say?”

  “We’re going to be late!” announced Drew as he teetered into the living room holding Ally in front of him like an oversized doll. Ally chewed the last of her eggs like a cow, dribbling bits onto the floor.

  “Drew, I was speaking with your sister, so please don’t—” Parker checked her phone. “We’ve got two minutes! Plenty of time to get ready." Parker turned back to her eldest daughter. “Maddy, forgive me. You were saying?”

  Maddy sighed and pointed to Parker’s bare legs. “You need pants.”

  Parker looked down and realized she still wore her outfit from the PTA meeting last night. “Fine, but we’re not done talking, okay, young lady? I’m super, super, super interested in whatever thing you were going to tell me!” Parker dashed up the stairs. “Somebody wipe your sister’s face!”

  If it were the first day of school, Parker might have panicked. But she found a fresh pair of jeans on the first try and threw on her Bon Jovi Bad Medicine t-shirt in record time to fly back down the stairs. “Out the door, people!”

  Parker grabbed Ally and the keys to her Highlander as Maddy and Drew raced out the front door. “Into the car!” Parker pressed the unlock button on her remote about ten times as she secured the front door behind her.

  “Mom?” asked Drew from the front steps.

  “What? What are you waiting for? Why aren’t you in the car already?”

  “Where is the car?”

  “What are you talking about?” blasted Parker. She paused at the edge of her driveway. Her empty driveway. “What--? Did your grandmother move it?” Parker scanned the nearby streets of the neighborhood.

  There was no Highlander to be found.

  Furious, Parker dialed her mother. Valerie was quick to pick up. “Mom?!Where did you put my car?”

  “Your car?” Valerie answered. “I didn’t move your car. You moved it for me, remember?”

  “I didn’t move my car for you!”

  Valerie sighed. “Really? Honestly, Parker, I don’t ask for much—"

  “Mom!” Parker screamed. “Neither of us moved my car, and it’s gone! It’s fucking gone!”

  “What?”

  “I think someone stole my car!”

  33.

  “I don’t understand, Parker,”

  Valerie stated matter-of-factly. “Are you saying someone stole your car?”

  “Yes, that’s literally what I just said,” Parker answered tersely.

  “But why—would--?” Valerie’s signal cut in and out. “—come and get—”

  “Mom, you’re breaking up.”

  “I’m – up—you --? Parker?”

  Fuck this. Parker ended the call. Questions swirled in her mind with the raw force of a twister. She could feel the shocked stares of her children who stood paralyzed the driveway. Focus, Parker. She drew in a deep breath to center herself. What needs to happen? Her thumbs stabbed at her phone screen.

  Maddy’s eyes welled up. “Someone stole our car?”

  “Yup.” Parker continued to work her thumbs. />
  “Don’t we need to call the police?” Maddy cried.

  “Be quiet,” Parker hit the send button on her phone, then turned her attention to the crime scene. She surveyed every inch of the empty driveway, the street curb, the neighbor’s houses. Nothing more seemed out of place, and yet -- “Something isn’t right.”

  “Our car is gone!” reminded Drew.

  “Something else!” Parker growled. She aimed her phone at the driveway and clicked a few pictures, hoping to capture the fleeting clue that eluded her.

  “What isn’t right?” asked Maddy.

  “I don’t know, Maddy, and I can’t think when you guys keep interrupting!” Parker clicked a few more pictures of the surrounding area, when she noticed her eldest sniffling uncontrollably. Damnit. Parker could normally focus like a hawk when investigating a crime scene but the added ingredient of her own children served to completely misfire her instincts. Parker softened her posture and her voice. “Listen, I didn’t mean to yell. I will call the police.” Even though there is jack shit they can do about it right now. “But first, we gotta get you guys to school, okay?” And then, I might be able to hear myself think!

  Ally clapped spontaneously.

  “Are we going to walk?” asked Drew.

  Just then, a large black van with a red racing stripe and spoiler on its back rounded the neighborhood corner. Parker’s mind filled with the A-Team’s theme music as she watched the van race up the street and cross to her driveway. As it eased to a halt, she realized the van’s stereo was playing the actual theme music, she hadn’t imagined it at all. This van must be part of Glory’s network of friends who theme their cars from the 80’s.

  Drew’s eyes bulged. He fell instantly in love with the iconic van. “What – is – that?”

  A young Hispanic man rolled down the passenger window and smiled at them. “You sent for a ride share?”

  “You must be Julio,” greeted Parker.

  “Yes, ma’am!” Julio smiled and waved. “You guys need a lift to school, huh? What happened?”

  “Our car was stolen!” Drew shouted excitedly as his mother rolled open the side door and ushered her kids inside. Maddy was the last to board, trying to hide her tears with a quick wipe of her hand.

  “Wow, really? That’s no good!” said Julio. He looked to Parker. “Is he kidding?”

  “He’s not kidding,” answered Parker. She threw Ally on her lap. “Can you drive like they did on the TV show? We’re running late.”

  Julio’s smile widened. “Just make sure you’re all buckled in, okay?”

  Maddy looked more worried than ever. “Is this thing safe?”

  Julio answered by peeling away from the driveway as fast as the van would take them.

  34.

  The A-Team car chase over to the school…

  provided the exact distraction Parker needed to snap her kids back into reality and give her time to text Valerie and call Sheriff Bill. Maddy, Drew and Ally tailed their mother as they marched into the Oak Creek’s front office fifteen minutes after the last school bell rang.

  “I swear, Parker, you’ve got the worst luck,” Sheriff Bill stated over Parker’s cell phone. “I’ll get this filed right away and start running your plates. I want to stop by your house and have a look around. Ask the neighbors if they saw or heard anything. Probably this afternoon as my morning’s pretty busy.”

  “I appreciate it,” Parker’s eyes locked with those of the Silver Fox at the reception desk. Fox immediately frowned as she paused her typing. “I’ll call you later.”

  Bill clicked off.

  Parker appreciated Bill not giving her a hard time for laying into him the night before. He kept it professional, which was probably more than she could expect from Fox. Parker didn’t bother with any pleasantries as propped Ally up to sit on the desk edge and grabbed the first pen in a mug full of them. “My kids are late. I need to sign them in.”

  The Silver Fox slowly pulled a large blue binder from under her desk and presented it to Parker. “And the reason for this tardiness?”

  “My car was stolen.” Parker scribbled her name into the binder. Parker’s tone was deadly serious, so as not to invoke anything close to ‘my dog ate my homework.’

  Fox turned back to her computer as if hiding a slight grin. “Huh. Some might call that karma.”

  “Others call it grand theft auto,” Parker turned to Drew and Maddy. “Get to your classes. Now.”

  Drew and Maddy nodded before running down their respective hallways. Their speed prompted Silver Fox to explode out of her chair. “No running!” she shouted.

  Parker stepped into Fox’s view. “Karma? You know something I don’t?”

  Fox planted her fists on her hips. “Considering your parking history, I find it ironic—that’s all.”

  Parker clamped her lips tight, and clenched her fist, desperately trying to keep her blood from boiling over again. A part of her wanted nothing more than to reduce Silver Fox to a pile of ashes. But with Ally watching, smiling innocently as she played with two pens on the table top as if they were dolls—Parker knew she had to be better than that. “Know what? I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I’m just a little on edge this morning. I didn’t come here to--” Parker’s words drifted as she looked past Fox to Heller and Mendez’s shared office door. She half expected Heller to come bursting out and throw the Monroe kids’ tardiness in her face. But the scene never developed.

  Fox slowly let her hands drop to her sides, as if disarmed by Parker’s apology. She followed Parker’s eyes to the office. “She’s not here,” Fox informed. Her voice still carried a crisp edge with which to defend her boss. “Heller, I mean.”

  “Really?” That doesn’t sound like Heller. “Taking a sick day?”

  Silver Fox turned up her nose. “I’m sure she’s just running late. I don’t know when she’ll be in. I wouldn’t advise waiting.”

  A tardy Heller? “Sure, I’ve got—stuff. But can you—?” Parker couldn’t finish her sentence, distracted by the trembling wetness of Fox’s eyes. “Can you tell her I—” Is she about to cry? Parker yanked a pen out of Ally’s nose and helped her down to the floor. “Can you tell Heller I stopped by? Have her give me a call. I’d like to speak with her.” In truth, Parker dreaded the idea of it, but her mother was right. She’d need Heller’s help if this fundraiser was going to work. Maybe Heller’s call last night was a sign she recognized the same truth.

  Silver Fox tugged at the rims of her suit jacket. “I will let her know.” Fox sat back down in her seat and began to type away, throwing herself in her work.

  “Great.” Parker studied the receptionist closely. This wasn’t the usual rudeness she’d come to expect from Silver Fox. What the hell is going on this morning? “And—”

  “Yes?” Fox snarled.

  “Coffee.” I always think better after coffee. Parker hadn’t had a decent cup since moving to Oak Creek. “Is there a respectable place nearby? Preferably in walking distance.”

  Fox never once looked up from her keyboard to answer. “The Bean,” she answered, pointing to the front door. “Two blocks South.”

  “Thanks,” Parker grabbed Ally’s hand to make their exit.

  Just as Parker opened the door, Silver Fox felt obligated to fire one last shot across the bow. “I heard what you said to Heller last night,” grumbled Fox, still staring at her keyboard. Her lip trembled. “She deserves better than that.”

  Parker left without another word.

  35.

  Heller deserves better than that?

  By the time Ally and Parker made it to the quaint little coffee shop with a hand painted sign that proudly announced The Bean in bright pastel colors, Parker’s ire was at full strength again.

  Heller got half of what she fucking deserved.

  Parker didn’t let the Silver Fox have it this morning, sensing it would’ve been more like beating a sick puppy. But the reality of her car being stolen, combined with all the questions that stir
red in her mind, topped off with Fox’s dumb-ass parting shot made Parker itching hard for a fight. Parker stormed up to barista bar with fire stoking her empty belly.

  “I’d like a tall white mocha over ice with whipped cream,” demanded Parker.

  The plump bearded man-child with streaks of grey in his finely quaffed hair and his name tag scribbled illegibly in rainbow letters nodded with a smile. He eagerly grabbed a cup to write on. “Got it,” he said. Then paused. “What size was that?”

  “Tall,” answered Parker.

  “Hot?”

  “Cold.”

  The man-child replaced his white cup with one made of clear plastic and scribbled. He paused again. “Mocha?”

  “White Mocha,” Parker corrected.

  “You want whip on that?”

  “Yes!” Parker growled. “Did you hear anything I first said?”

  Parker’s tone prompted a glare from the man-child, who clearly didn’t understand the morning she was having. “I’m—simply—being--thorough.”

  “Sure, you are.”

  Man-child nodded to the more pleasant Ally, who clapped happily. “She want anything?”

  Parker tilted her head. “A venti triple macchiato with soy milk.”

  “Seriously?”

  “No—she’s two!”

  Man-child took a deep breath and firmly placed the empty cup on the counter. “Just because I’m young and hip doesn’t mean I’m into your brand of sarcasm.”

  Parker leaned forward, smelling blood. “I’ll remember that. See, I remember things, because I listen when people talk to me. I don’t need to be lectured by some millennial studying—humanities?”

  Man-child gulped. “Political science.”

  “Just as useless—who colors his hair grey to be taken more seriously while he probably still lives at home with his mother!”

  Just then, the bell of the coffee shop’s front door rang to announce the arrival of Valerie Parker. The vision of glamor greeted her only daughter with the pure drama of outstretched arms. “There you are! I got your text! Are you alright? Are you ready for me to take you home?”