Mayhem, Murder and the PTA

by Dave Cravens

  “In a second,” said Parker. She was busy perusing the call history. She found the log of her own unanswered calls to Heller’s number, but everything else occurring before them had been deleted. It was the same with the text conversations. Every creepy text that had ever been sent to her from this phone was there, but nothing before. “Looks like most of Heller’s history has been wiped.”

  “Yup. Noticed that too. You get to the photos yet?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Parker thumbed over to the photo album, which listed a total of thirty-one. After blowing up the thumbnails, she started to swipe through what at first appeared to be random shots. To her horror, she recognized the woman featured in every picture. “Holy shit! He was taking pictures of me?”

  Bill nodded. “Creeped out yet?”

  “Oh god,” Parker’s empty stomach began to turn. There were pictures of her shot from across the parking lot at school. There were pictures of her getting coffee at The Bean. There was one of her and her family walking into the funeral home for Heller’s service. But the pictures toward the end were the most startling, shot at night over the fence line of her mother’s backyard. The last four pictures captured intimate glimpses of Parker undressing in her bedroom through the slats of her window. “Shit.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. It’s awful.”

  “Yeah, it is!” Parker held up the phone screen to Bill, so he could get a better look of the photo where Parker was awkwardly trying to remove her shirt, but it was caught around her neck. “This is the best shot he could take? I look terrible!”

  “Wait,” Bill blinked. “That’s what you’re upset about?”

  “Fuck Almighty!” Parker growled. “I can’t even stand to look at myself! I mean, I know it’s been a while since I hit the gym, but gahhhhhhhh! We gotta delete these before they go any further. I will not have this shit turn up in some court hearing. Fuck. THAT.”

  “Parker!” Bill slammed his fist onto the desk. “That’s evidence tampering and you’re missing the point! Joe was clearly obsessed with you!”

  “Oh, settle down, Bill, I figured that out!” shouted Parker. “Fine! Whatever! Say he was -- it doesn’t explain why he murdered Heller and stuffed her in the back seat of my stolen car!”

  “Um, it kind of does,” Bill whined. “And there’s more. We searched Joe’s car at the bar.” Bill threw another evidence bag onto his desk. “We found this.”

  Parker lifted the bag to inspect a series of needles, pill bottles and a plastic bag containing what looked like brown powder. Parker frowned. “Heroin.”

  “Along with some stolen prescription bottles,” Bill explained. “Joe is addicted to pain killers. I think Heller found out about it and was going to fire him. Joe needed the job -- so he murdered her in a fit of rage and tried to implicate you to cover it up.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  “I know. But it’s the only theory that makes sense to me.”

  “No, I mean, that’s a terrible theory.” Parker shot up from her chair. “Where’s the gun that shot Heller? That hasn’t turned up.”

  “I’m getting a warrant to search Joe’s house. Maybe it will turn up there.”

  “Where is Joe’s other phone?”

  “His other phone?”

  “You think he walked around making every day calls from a dead woman’s phone when he knew you could locate him? No, he had a normal, Joe-Ward-non-dead-woman-phone. His phone. And if you don’t have it, then it’s still out there somewhere.”

  Bill clenched his jaw. “Parker, I know you’re used to dealing with big city cops. But I’m not an idiot. Neither are my deputies.”

  Parker folded her arms. “I know that.” Sort of.

  “Well, you sure as hell don’t talk like you do. I’m doing you a huge favor by showing you all this stuff. I thought it might help you get some closure. But, you’re refusing to see what’s right in front of you.”

  “And you are refusing to look for what isn’t!”

  Bill’s cheeks flushed red. He held out his hand. “I’m going to need Heller’s phone back now. And I think you should go home.”

  “You need to take my statement. And you said I could question Joe Ward directly.”

  “Not tonight,” Bill said tersely. He blinked again and drew in a deep cleansing breath. “We sedated him.”

  Parker’s eyes narrowed. Convenient. Are you truly so sour because I don’t buy your dumb-ass theory?

  As if noting Parker’s suspicions, Bill unclenched his jaw. “We had to, Parker. You saw what he did to Michaels. Joe Ward is dangerous. Regardless, we can’t question him. None of it would be admissible. Give it a day. Let’s see how he is after he’s had time to cool off in a cell. After we’ve all had time to cool off.” Bill extended his hand. “The phone, please.”

  Parker looked at Heller’s phone in her hand. It was the only tangible evidence that might yet contain clues to adequately explain Joe’s outburst, Heller’s murder and everything in between. Parker needed more time with it, but she didn’t want to push Bill any further. Parker slowly picked up the empty evidence bag. “’What the eyes see, and the ears hear the mind believes’,” quoted Parker.

  Bill couldn’t help but let out an unexpected chortle. “You’re quoting Houdini, now?”

  Parker carefully angled the phone’s screen toward her chest as she placed it back inside the evidence bag. “Believe it or not, I’ve tried to learn a little more about magic,” admitted Parker. She paused, sheepishly looking down at Bill’s desk. “You know, in an effort to understand you better.”

  “Uh huh. I’m flattered. And what have you learned?”

  “It’s still incredibly lame,” Parker closed the evidence bag. “But I’ll give you another quote: ‘When a magician let’s you notice something on your own, his lies become impenetrable.’”

  “That’s Teller, of Penn and Teller,” attributed Bill. “Are you trying to steal Heller’s phone from my evidence bag?”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Parker placed the clear plastic bag with Heller’s phone securely in it on the desk. “I’m simply pointing out the idea that maybe, just maybe, my stolen car, Heller’s murder, Joe’s assault, the cat and mouse game on this damn phone – it’s all hand waving. It’s all a distraction.”

  Intrigued, Bill leaned forward. “From what?”

  Parker swallowed. “I don’t know. Yet.”

  Bill smirked and shook his head. “Go home, Parker Monroe. Rest easy knowing you helped catch a murderer tonight.”

  Later, as Parker walked to her minivan in the Sheriff’s parking lot, her phone buzzed to life multiple times -- thirty-one to be precise. She smiled, knowing exactly what the incoming notifications were hailing. Parker lifted her phone to confirm she had received all pictures from Heller’s album. While she was distracting Bill with magic quotes, she had secretly forwarded them as a mass text – a simple procedure since her own number was the last that Heller’s phone had interacted with. Then, she clicked the screen off, making it appear as if the phone was completely turned off, when in fact, it was quietly transmitting the data.

  Maybe magic isn’t so bad after all.

  86.

  Parker marveled at her mother’s poise and grace at such a late hour.

  If Valerie was tired, no red veins or bags under her eyes betrayed the fact. Her hair was perfectly combed, and the edges of her satin robes glided across the floor as she carried two bottles of wine to the kitchen table. Parker knew her mother looked good at any hour, but she couldn’t help but to wonder if Valerie had taken extra care lately as if to dazzle anyone who might pop into the house in the middle of the night, be it a deputy, burglar, peeping tom, murderer or murder witness. Parker couldn’t have cared less. She scratched her frizzy, unkept hair and unbuttoned the top of her jeans to breathe better before slouching over the kitchen table. With her arms outstretched and phone in her hand, she relentlessly swiped through the thirty-one photos looking for something, anything that might explain Joe Ward�
�s behavior.

  Valerie presented the first bottle. “Amarone,” she said. “If you feel congratulations are in order.”

  Parker shot her mother an annoyed glare.

  Valerie switched bottles. “Valpolicella it is, then, to take the edge off.” Her manicured fingers immediately went to work with a corkscrew. Valerie plopped herself into the seat across from Parker, so she was sure to catch her peripheral. “You certainly don’t seem very pleased for someone who helped crack a murder case wide open.”

  “Bleh,” mumbled Parker, her speech impeded by her jaw weighing the table down.

  Valerie popped open the cork. “You’re not convinced Joe Ward killed Karen Heller.”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  Parker shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know. Something’s off. I won’t know until I question Joe.”

  Valerie arched a brow. “I wonder if that will be enough.”

  Parker glared at her mother again. “Enough for what?”

  Valerie poured two glasses and gently pushed one to Parker. “Say Joe confesses. To everything. What then?”

  Parker grimaced. “He won’t.”

  “Say he does. And the Sheriff finds the murder weapon in his house. Say the evidence is irrefutable. What then?”

  Parker threw her hands in the air. “Then it’s over. We all go back to our lives.”

  “And you’re okay with that?”

  Not really. Parker pressed her lips tightly together as she quietly stared at her mother.

  Valerie smirked as she sipped her wine. “I already know the answer. I was just curious if you could admit it.”

  Parker sat up. “You think I see this all as some kind of game?”

  “Some girls like being chased, but not you. You’ve always been the chaser. It didn’t matter what you were chasing, as long as you could run at it full speed. As a young girl whenever you solved a problem, or a puzzle, or won a game of tag, you’d be satisfied for all of five seconds before you looked for something new. You told me once there was no sadder death than that of a mystery’s. I think you were twelve.”

  “I was fucking poetic, was what I was.” Parker took a gulp of her wine and belched. “What do you think? You think Joe did it?”

  “I think if I were quicker on the trigger the other night, you wouldn’t have to ask.” Valerie held her wine glass close to her heart. “Still, it’s a shame, isn’t it? The way Joe brutalized Mr. Bernstein. And if he did take those pictures, well—here I thought he was a decent man. Especially after his talk with Maddy. He struck me as more of the protective type. Maddy will be so disappointed.”

  Parker winced. “Wait – say that again?”

  “Maddy will be disappointed.”

  “No, you used another word – ‘protective’.”

  Valerie took a long sip. “Well, isn’t that what soldiers are supposed to do? Protect. Defend.”

  Parker drummed her fingers impatiently on the table. “That’s supposed to be the job, anyhow.” A job Parker once had the impression Joe Ward took very seriously. Even a warped and distorted idea of “protecting” might help explain his violent behavior. Joe said Bernstein “deserved it.” Why?

  Valerie relished a gentle sip of her wine. “When are you going to tell Maddy?”

  “Right -- that,” Parker poured more wine into her glass until it nearly overflowed. “Ideally, after I’ve had a chance to question Joe. But I don’t think Bill’s going to be able to keep his arrest quiet. Especially since all of the PTA watched him beat the shit out of Bernstein. I’ll talk to Maddy after school tomorrow.”

  Valerie nodded. “Do you think all this drama will affect your Boo Fest?”

  Parker dropped her head between her shoulders. “Oh hell.”

  “It’s set for next Friday, isn’t it?”

  “Sure is. One week.” Parker buried her face in her palms. “Gah, there’s still so much to do and I can’t get the image of Holly’s panties wrapped around her bony ankles out of my head! I don’t even want to deal with it. What’s even the point now, anyway?”

  Valerie slowly shook her head as if to cast judging shame over her daughter. “Music,” she declared. “You made a pledge to your daughter, the PTA and the entire school to fund a music program for the children of Oak Creek. That applies with or without Bernstein. With or without Holly’s panties, whatever that’s about. And with or without murder. Well, preferably without any more murder.”

  Parker held up her hands dramatically as if to shield herself from the words. “Ugh! Stop talking so much sense!”

  Valerie finished her wine, and stood up from the table, a clear sign she was ready to retire, but not without first dropping another mother-load bomb of wisdom. “I know it’s not nearly as exciting as solving a murder,” she started. “But the money you raise at this Boo Fest event will touch countless more lives and accomplish more for the community. You want to chase something? Chase that.”

  “I know, you’re right,” admitted Parker. She didn’t bother pouring another glass of wine, instead taking the bottle directly into her mouth to chug the last of it.

  Alright, Holly, let’s finish this.

  87.

  “You’re going to have to look at me eventually, Holly.”

  Parker issued her demand as gently as she could. She and the PTA President had bumped into one another in front of the school entrance the next morning, likely because Holly refused to make eye contact with anyone around her. As the last of the children and parents dispersed, the two ladies stood across from each other like an odd pair of gunslingers refusing to draw. Parker grimaced. “Please, can you look at me? We have to be able to work together if Boo Fest has any chance of succeeding. Maybe try a quick glance, like you’re checking out my boobs without looking like you’re checking out my boobs.”

  Holly threw her hand down to glare at Parker. “I would never do that!”

  Parker cringed at the sight of Holly’s insane eye twitching. It was the worst she’d ever seen. “Oh shit! Wow! That thing is really going isn’t it?” It became obvious that Holly wasn’t avoiding direct eye contact so much as trying to hide her malady.

  “Damnit!” Holly’s eyes welled up. “It is bad, isn’t it?”

  “It’s like there’s some kind of gnat trying to crack open the side of your face with a miniature jack hammer.”

  “Really?”

  “Or you’re trying to wink Flight of the Bumblebee in Morse code.”

  “Oh god!”

  “You fell asleep face down on a taser during an earthquake.”

  “Parker!”

  “I’m sorry, they’re just coming to me.”

  “It’s been like this since last night!” Holly sniffled. “It won’t let up! Please, please, say you didn’t tell anyone about me and Brad! Especially not Julie! She would spread it everywhere!”

  I only told my mom. “Of course not!” And maybe Julie and Glory after all this has blown over. We’ll see. “What can we do about this? How can we settle you down?”

  Holly rolled one of her eyes. The other wouldn’t cooperate. “Well, normally, Brad—”

  “Without Brad,” Parker insisted. I’m not going to condone your having an affair. Though, if Brad was your husband I’d encourage him to bang you six ways to Sunday if that’s what it takes to finish Boo Fest. “What about weed? You ever smoke weed? I hear it’s legal in California these days.”

  “I voted against that!”

  Parker drew in a long, deep breath. “Maybe, you’re just overly stressed because I saw you in a highly compromising position?”

  “You think?” Holly blasted.

  Parker ground her teeth. “What if I evened the odds?”

  Holly paused. “What do you mean?”

  Parker lifted her phone and swiped to the picture she had forwarded from Heller’s phone. The one of her taking her shirt off in a most compromising position. “I’m only going to show you this once. So, drink it in.” Parker held the phone up to Holl
y, giving her a twitching eyeful.

  “Is that – you?” Holly held back a chortle.

  “Yup.”

  “Oh my, you look—” Holly caught herself. The more the PTA president looked at the photo, the less her eye seemed to twitch. Her face suddenly twisted into an expression of disgust. “Why would you take a picture like that?”

  Parker yanked the phone away. “I didn’t!” she snapped. “It’s a long story. You feel better now?”

  “I feel--confused.” Holly pressed a finger to her eye, as if testing the skin’s elasticity. The twitching had settled considerably, at least for the moment.

  “Let’s call that an improvement,” said Parker. She swiped to her to-do list app on her phone. “Now, I went over our notes, and we need to remind Mendez to send out a list serv announcement, we’ve got ten volunteer shifts yet to account for, we need to make a down payment to the carnival ride company, we need to find a balloon artist, a face painter and build and place twenty signs around town this weekend to ensure maximum exposure. What can you handle?”

  Holly nodded. “I’ll cut the check and make some calls about the volunteers. I could also handle probably half of those signs.”

  “Perfect,” Parker put her hand on Holly’s shoulder. “We got this, Holly.”

  Holly winced. “Is that all? Don’t you want to talk about what happened last night? I mean, when I heard what Joe Ward did—”

  “Shhhhhhh,” Parker gently pressed her finger to Holly’s lips. “Don’t tempt me. I’ve got to focus now and chit chat with our esteemed principal.”

  88.

  “Shall I just walk into Mendez’s office unannounced, or can you give me a little fanfare this time?”

  asked Parker as she sidled up to the Silver Fox’s desk.

  “Principal Mendez is not in,” Silver Fox stated formally as she madly typed away at her computer.

  “What do you mean she’s not in?” And what are you typing about all the time? What do you even do all day?

  Fox paused her typing to swivel in her chair and address Parker more directly. “I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I guess the alternative would be to say that ‘she’s out.’”