The Cheeky Monkey

by Tim Ferguson

  Moving from stand-up and musical comedy to writing narrative comedy proved exhilarating. Actors relish the challenge of comic performance and their ability to bring new dimensions to a character that has sprung from your own imagination never fails to surprise.

  If you’re a writer who wants to rummage around in the human soul, expose human weaknesses and social injustices, to create stories that hit hard and hold fast, to transmit themes dear to your heart in a way that is far from saccharine, look no further than comedy. Comedy is often labelled ‘light entertainment’ but a more accurate label might be ‘light and dark entertainment’. Actor Zero Mostel claimed comedy is a rebellion ‘against hypocrisy, against pretence, against falsehood and humbug and bunk and fraud, against false promises and base deceivers … against all evils masquerading as true and worthy of respect’. Mostel’s view reveals a truth: the prime objective of many comedians and comedy writers is not to make audiences happy but to make them think.

  Be warned: comedy makes friends and enemies faster than any other art form. Prepare for fans, sure, but thicken your skin for the slings and arrows of people you offend or for those who don’t find you funny. I’ve lost track of the complaints my work and that of my comrades has provoked over the years. The most satisfying response to criticism that comedy writers have is to create more work—harder, darker and sharper. I’ve found that, eventually, those who are unamused by my work surrender to persistence and offer at least grudging respect. And those who are offended learn to use their remote controls. So listen to your fans and let critics fuel your creative fire.

  Don’t worry that working in the field of comedy will turn you into a depressed person. Trust me, comedians are depressed before we become comedians. Depression can stem from unresolved anger and as Zero Mostel shows, we all have a lot to be angry about. Writing comedy is a great way to get it out of your system. Nothing hits harder than a joke.

  There are good financial reasons for becoming a narrative comedy writer. Sitcom writers tend to be paid more per page than soap writers. Devising dramatically satisfying stories is one thing; making those stories and their dialogue funny is another. Such skill is rare, and rarity has a price tag. Best of all, comedies appeal to large audiences. Sitcoms occupy primetime on most TV networks and on film no fewer than twelve of the twenty biggest box office hits in Australian cinema history have been comedies. Even stand-up involves being well paid for repeating written gags to an audience, or inventing them on your feet. There are worse ways to pay your mortgage.

  I began the process of writing this book with the thought that everyone has their own sense of humour in the same way everyone likes their own blend of musical styles. The principles outlined in this book work for comedy in the way that harmonic structures, melodic patterns and rhythms work for music: they provide a framework within which infinite creativity is possible. With these principles in mind and your own ‘cheeky monkey’ as your guide, you’ll create gags, characters, dialogue and narratives the world has never seen. You’ll surprise yourself, and that’s funny.

  Appendix: Exercise Examples

  A LIST OF NON-DEFINITIVE RESPONSES TO THE BOOK’S EXERCISES

  COMIC IRONY

  1. Brunhilde is a sweet and shy woman who wants to find a husband.

  She arranges a date on the Internet but is too shy to turn up for it.

  2. Vladimir is a chronic gambler who wants one last win.

  He wins. Then he wants one last win again…

  3. Rex is a superhero who wants to win a local weight-lifting competition.

  Rex lifts 5000 kilograms, an impossible feat. He gets disqualified for suspected steroid abuse.

  SITUATIONAL IRONY

  1. Claudio is tired of being ignored. He wants to meet someone who will listen to his problems and arranges some dates over the Internet.

  Claudio speaks endlessly about his problems and his dates all dump him.

  2. Jemima is a realist. She wants her best friend, Sybilla, to abandon her belief in God. She takes Sybilla to a church and calls upon God to appear.

  God appears to Jemima—but not to Sybilla. Jemima is ‘saved’ while Sybilla is now convinced there is no God.

  3. The Archangel Gabriel is given a new assignment: impregnate a virgin in Sydney’s western suburbs.

  Gabriel goes from door to door but there are no virgins to be found.

  DRAMATIC IRONY

  1. Davo excitedly shows Suzie his plans for a bank robbery.

  Suzie is an undercover cop.

  2. Detective Smith leads the Chief of Police through a murder scene.

  The Chief of Police is the murderer.

  3. John weds Marsha.

  Marsha is a man in disguise–and John is a woman in disguise.

  OBSERVATION HUMOUR

  Proposing marriage

  Deconstruction: The man puts the ring in a glass of champagne. Does he want to marry her or choke her? It’s like they’re married already.

  Perspective: A woman believes everything is real when a man proposes. He dresses up, he doesn’t talk about sport, he expresses his feelings… After proposing is the perfect time to sell her a bridge.

  Changing context: Women should insist on their husbands going down on one knee whenever they want anything. (Going on one knee) Darling, can you pass the salt?

  Wooing a potential lover

  Deconstruction: We bat our eyelids, stare, wink, raise our eyebrows. If you’re lucky, this sends the message, ‘I like you’ and not ‘I can’t see you.’

  Perspective: Black Widow spiders have to be particularly attractive to woo a male. I mean, male Black Widows would have heard the rumours… Maybe that’s why the females have so many eyes to wink.

  Changing context: Imagine if dogs followed our example. They wouldn’t get straight down to butt-sniffing—there’d be some chat. ‘Do you pee on this pole often?’ ‘Can I get you a bowl of water?’ ‘I am so over the pussy-chasing scene.’

  Dumping a lover

  Deconstruction: We say ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, but we never specify what ‘it’ is. Then we say, ‘You’re a great person,’ but that’s how the whole thing started in the first place.

  Perspective: While he’s trying to think the way she’s thinking, all she’s thinking is ‘What is he thinking?’ or worse, ‘What the hell was I thinking?’

  Changing context: Dumping an employee is a much gentler process. Employers say ‘The company is going in another direction’ instead of ‘We don’t love you anymore.’

  SELF-REFERENTIAL

  Archetype:

  Pessimist: Pessimism never does anyone any good.

  Sex addict: I used to be a sex addict, but I thought ‘Fuck that.’

  Crisis counsellor: Why are crisis counsellors so calm? Don’t they know they’re in the middle of a crisis!

  Animal psychologists: I gave up being an animal psychologist; they’d never answer my questions.

  Jockeys: Jockeys are so high and mighty.

  Archetypal characteristic

  Bad memory: Is my memory bad? I forget.

  Political correctness: Political correctness is a chick thing.

  Fear of public speaking: (Into a megaphone) Now hear this! My fear of public speaking has reached extreme levels!

  Easily bored: I think husband was accusing me of being easily bored, but I tuned out halfway through.

  Everything is predictable: Everything is predictable. I bet you didn’t expect me to say that. ‘I forget things all the time’: but I forget to remind myself of it.

  ‘I get lonely at parties’: so I hide in the bathroom till they’re over.

  ‘I’m easily shocked’: and it’s freaking me out.

  ‘I don’t believe in ghosts’: My clairvoyant told me they’re bogus.

  I wore a t-shirt saying ‘Don’t look at me!’ … but nobody noticed.

  People told me blind optimism was naive … but I thought it had some positive qualities. Sure, I’m self-centred … but you have to se
e it my way.

  Am I secretive? … I’m not going to tell you.

  I could try to explain what it was like to be completely alone … but I guess you had to be there.

  FLAWED LOGIC

  Hideousness: Baby, you’re not ugly, just a teensy bit hideous.

  Deafness: I tried telling her she’s deaf but some people don’t listen.

  Secret: If you tell me a secret, it’s not really a secret anymore is it?

  Suicide: If you commit suicide I’ll kill you!

  Virginity: The next time I lose my virginity, I’m gunna be sober.

  INCONGRUOUS JUXTAPOSITIONS

  What do cats and porn have in common? They’re both fun to shoot.

  What’s the difference between cats and porn? The shape of their fur-balls.

  What do lawyers and cannibals have in common? They both cost you an arm and a leg.

  What’s the difference between lawyers and cannibals? Cannibals eat other people’s young.

  What do dwarves and blondes have in common? They both look up to Barbie.

  What’s the difference between dwarves and blondes? Blondes are all Dopey.

  TWO MEANINGS

  To be beside yourself: I was beside myself until I realised I was standing next to a mirror.

  To drop off the perch: Grandad dropped off the perch? I guess the fall killed him.

  To drive someone up the wall: I drove my husband up the wall. Coming down the other side was the tricky bit.

  To go down for the third time: BOB and BARBARA see a man and woman drowning. BOB: Oh no! They’re going down for the third time.

  BARB: How can they think of sex at a time like this?

  To fall off the back of a truck: I didn’t ask for a clock that fell off the back of a truck. I ordered a stolen one.

  MALAPROPISMS

  ‘One percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration.’

  Writing a book is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent procrastination.

  ‘Going at it hammer and tongs.’

  They were going at it hammer and tongues.

  ‘Pecuniary fund.’

  My eccentric grandad left me a peculiar fund.

  ‘Struck by cupid’s arrow.’

  He’s been struck by Stupid’s arrow.

  ‘To move with alacrity’

  He moves with a laxative.

  MISINTERPRETATIONS

  He’s so dumb he thinks an ‘IQ’ is … the latest billiard stick from Apple.

  She’s so lascivious she thinks a ‘square root’ is … sex with a rocket scientist.

  He’s so out of touch he thinks ‘J-Lo’ is … a brand of fruit juice.

  She’s so selfish she thinks the ‘Poor Box’ is … something the homeless can live in.

  He’s so square he thinks the ‘Lambada’ is … a kind of kebab.

  When lawyers say:

  They mean:

  ‘Hostile witness’

  Someone who can’t be bribed

  ‘Memorandum’

  A reminder to forget everything

  ‘Criminal lawyer’

  Any lawyer

  ‘The Bar exam’

  Testing your ability to get as drunk as a judge

  ‘BMW’

  Blood Money Wagon

  OBVIOUS

  The secret to a happy life is … die young.

  Married people have the best sex … before marriage.

  The best way to get off a deserted island is … a speedboat.

  Cats use their tongues to clean themselves … which proves they’re not that picky about their food.

  John Lennon said, ‘All you need is love’ … Bullet-proof jackets are handy too.

  Terrorist martyrs spend eternity with seventy-six virgins … No sex is mentioned in the deal–just eternity with seventy-six virgins.

  The best marriages are arranged marriages … That way you can blame someone else.

  I bought a sawn-off shotgun … But the sawn-off bullets don’t work.

  Let me offer a word to the wise … Smartarse.

  Bad people go to Hell … They probably cause trouble there, too.

  0.02% of grandmothers are convicted of murder … The rest get away with it.

  Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get … Unless you look at the back of the box.

  TRANSPOSITIONS

  Fundamental: Headline: Fundamentalist Neither Fun Nor Mental

  Postmodern: Anyone who calls the post modern hasn’t waited a year for their paycheck to arrive. ‘Postmodern’ is like saying ‘public transport reliable’.

  Respond: Why should I re-spond? I didn’t spond in the first place.

  Decapitate: I lost my head but I’m capitated now.

  Henchmen: C’mon, fellas, the boss wants us to hench. Let’s go a-henchin’!

  NEGATIONS

  BOB is playing poker with some GANGSTERS.

  BOB: I call a spade a spade.

  He reveals a royal flush of spades. The GANGSTERS glare at him.

  BOB: All I have is… a pair of clubs.

  BOB: I stand by my friends.

  Their angry Boss approaches. BOB races to the door.

  DICK: Where are you going?

  BOB: To stand next to a different friend.

  BOB: I always tell the truth.

  DICK: But if you do, our wives will find out we went fishing instead of to work.

  BOB: Fishing is a kind of work.

  BOB: Beauty is skin deep. I prefer women with brains.

  A pretty woman walks by.

  BOB: She seems very brainy.

  BOB: Our society must take care of its poor people.

  BOB says this while stepping over a homeless person.

  BOB: Physical fitness is my obsession.

  Bob says this while watching an aerobics show and chewing on a hamburger.

  Bob is overjoyed to hear his wife, Barbara, is leaving him for his mate, Dick.

  BOB: (Overjoyed) I’ll never see her again. (Distressed) But I’ll never see Dick again.

  Barbara is told Bob has a week to live.

  BARBARA: (Happily) Free at last. (Disappointed) A whole week?

  Barbara tells Bob her mother is coming to stay.

  BOB: (Anguished) But now you’ll both pick on me. (Whispering craftily to himself) But then they’ll tire of that and pick on each other.

  COVER-UPS

  Non-verbal

  Bob is caught by Barbara with his fingers in the cookie jar.

  BOB pretends he is pulling a tiny bug out of the jar. He flicks away the non-existent bug.

  Bob is caught giving the stiff middle finger to Barbara behind her back.

  BOB closely examines his middle finger as if it has a paper cut.

  Verbal

  BOB is strangling Barbara’s cat. She enters.

  BOB (to the cat): Breathe, little darling, breathe! (To Barbara) Furball.

  BOB is wearing BARBARA’s underwear. She enters.

  BOB blinks as if waking.

  BOB: I must have been sleepwalking again.

  DISTRACTIONS

  Non-verbal

  Bob winks at a pretty woman. Barbara notices.

  BOB pretends he has something in his eye.

  Against Barbara’s orders, Bob spits on the footpath. He turns to see Barbara glowering.

  BOB dabs the toe of his shoe in the spit and polishes it.

  Verbal

  BOB is going through BARBARA’s emails. She enters.

  BOB: Darn it, a computer virus keeps opening the wrong files. I insist we go to the computer shop and complain—right now.

  BOB is putting arsenic from a clearly marked bottle into BARBARA’s dinner. She enters.

  BOB: Homeopaths think one drop of arsenic per million is good for you. I want this dinner to be very good for you. It’s clear your blood pressure’s rising right now.

  FIXING THE FAUX PAS

  BOB: I am going to kill her with my bare hands. I mean it–I am g
oing to throttle her in her sleep.

  BOB sees BARBARA is standing behind him.

  BOB: I mean kill her with a cuddle and, er, throttle her with affection.

  BOB: (to DICK) Barbara is a harpy from hell.

  Barbara overhears.

  BOB: By that I mean she’s had a hell of a time and now she’s harpy to be here.

  LIMITED WORLD VIEW

  Innocence

  B: What did you think of the movie, Titanic?

  A: The ending took me by surprise.

  Selfishness

  B: Why don’t you ever say you love me?

  A: You haven’t earnt it.

  Prejudice

  B: You owe me $22.38 for the concert ticket.

  A: It’s typical of a poor person to put a price on such a wonderful experience.

  Cynicism

  B: I think it may be your baby, probably.

  A: I think it may be your problem, probably.

  Pettiness

  B: Quick! The boathouse is on fire!

  A: Don’t you mean it’s on water?

  TAKING THINGS LITERALLY

  To walk softly and carry a big stick

  DELORES: I walk softly and carry a big stick.

  DICK: (Looking about nervously) Is it an invisible stick?

  To put yourself in someone’s shoes.

  BOB: Darling, put yourself in my shoes.

  BARBARA: No way—I don’t want tinea.

  To look on the sunny side

  BOB: You have to look on the sunny side of life.

  BARBARA: It’s night time.

  Getting out what you put in

  DELORES: You only get out what you put in.

  DICK: But if I’ve put it in, why would I want to get it out?’

  ‘I need this like I need a hole in the head’

  BOB and BARBARA are in a sports shop.

  BOB: I need a fishing pole like I need a hole in the head.

  BARBARA: (To storekeeper) One fishing pole, please—two to be sure.

  DISTORTIONS

  BOB: I smashed the photocopier.

  DICK: That’s a lifelong dream fulfilled.

  BOB: Then I got caught piddling in the pot plants.

  DICK: You probably mistook them for lemon trees.