CHAPTER XIII.
THE ARMY OF WINDY STANDARD.
At last, however, all was ready, in the historical phrase of Napoleonthe Little, "to the last gaiter-button."
It was the intention of the Commander-in-Chief to attack the citadelof the enemy with banners flying, and after due notice. He had beenpractising for days upon his three-key bugle in order to give the callof Childe Roland. But Private Sammy Carter, who was always stickinghis oar in, put him upon wiser lines, and (what is more) did it soquietly and suggestively that General Napoleon was soon convinced thatSammy's plan was his own, and on the second day boasted of its meritsto its original begetter, who did not even smile. The like hashappened in greater armies with generals as distinguished.
Sammy Carter advised that the assault should be delivered betweeneight and nine in the morning, for the very good reasons that at thathour both the butcher's apprentice, Tommy Pratt, and the slaughtermanwould be busy delivering the forenoon orders, while the butcher's son,Nipper Donnan, would be at school, and the Black Sheds consequentlyentirely deserted.
At first Hugh John rebelled, and asserted that this was not asportsmanlike mode of proceeding, but Sammy Carter, who always knewmore about everything than was good for anybody, overwhelmed his chiefwith examples of strategies and surprises from the military history ofthirty centuries.
"Besides," said he, somewhat pertinently, "let's get Donald backfirst, and then we can be chivalrous all you want. Perhaps they arekeeping him to fatten him up for the Odd Coons' Bank Holiday Feast."
This, as the wily Sammy knew, was calculated to stir up the wrath ofhis general more than anything else he could say. For at the annualBean Feast of the Honourable Company of Odd Coons, a benefit secretsociety of convivial habits, a sheep was annually roasted whole. Itsaid an ox on the programme, but the actual result, curiously enough,was mutton and not beef.
"We attack to-morrow at daybreak," said Field-Marshal Smith grandly,as soon as Sammy Carter had finished speaking.
This, however, had subsequently to be modified to nine o'clock, tosuit the breakfast hour of the Carters. Moreover Saturday wassubstituted for Tuesday, both because Cissy and Sammy could mosteasily "shirk" their governess on that day, and because Mr. PictonSmith was known to be going up to London by the night train on Friday.
On such trivial circumstances do great events depend.
When the army was finally mustered for the assault, its armament wasfound to be somewhat varied, though generally efficient. But then evenin larger armies the weapons of the different arms of the service arefar from uniform. There are, for example, rifles and bayonets for theLine, lances for the Light Horse, carbines, sabres, and army biscuits,all deadly after their kind.
So it was in the campaigning outfit of the forces of Windy Standard.The historian can only hint at this equipment, so strange were thevarious kits. The Commander-in-Chief wished to insist on a red sashand a long cut-and-thrust sword, with (if possible) a kettle-drum. Butthis was found impracticable as a general order. For not only did thetwo divisional commanders decline to submit to the sash, but therewere not enough kettle-drums intact to go more than half round.
So General Smith was the only soldier who carried a real sword. He hadalso a pistol, which, however, obstinately refused to go off, butformed a valuable weapon when held by the barrel. Cissy was furnishedwith a pike, constructed by Prince Michael's father, the dethronedmonarch of O'Donowitch-dom, out of a leister or fish-spear--which,strangely enough, he had carried away with him from his palace at thetime of his exile. This constituted a really formidable armament,being at least five feet long, and so sharp that if you ran very hardagainst a soft wooden door with it, it made a mark which you could seequite a yard off in a good light.
Prissy had a carpet-broom with a long handle, which at a distancelooked like a gun, and as Prissy meant to do all her fighting at adistance this was quite sufficient. In addition she had three piecesof twine to tie up her dress, so that she would be ready to run awayuntrammelled by flapping skirts. Sir Toady Lion was equipped for warwith a thimble, three sticky bull's-eyes, the haft of a knife (but noblade), a dog-whistle, and a go-cart with one shaft, all of whichproved exceedingly useful.
The two Generals of Division were attired in neat stable clothes withbuttoned leggings, and put their trust in a pair of "catties"(otherwise known as catapults), two stout shillelahs, the nationalbatons of the exiled prince, manufactured by himself; and, mostvaluable of all, a set a-piece of horny knuckles, which they had keptin constant practice against each other all through the piping timesof peace. Both Mike and Peter knowingly chewed straws in oppositecorners of their mouths.
The forces on the other side were quite unknown, both as to number andquality. Hugh John maintained that there were at least twenty, andToady Lion stoutly proclaimed that there were a million thousand, andthat he had seen and counted them every one. But a stricter census,instituted upon evidence led by Private Sammy Carter, could not getbeyond half-a-dozen. So that the disproportion was not so great asmight have been supposed. Still the siege of the Sheds was felt to beof the nature of a forlorn hope.
It was arranged that all who distinguished themselves for deeds ofvalour were to receive the Victoria Cross, a decoration which had beencut by Hugh John out of the tops of ginger-beer bottles with a coldchisel. As soon, however, as Sir Toady Lion heard this, he sat down inthe dust of the roadside, and simply refused to budge till hisgrievances were redressed.
"I wants Victowya Cyoss _now_!" he remarked, with his father's wrinkleof determination between the eyes showing very plain, as it always didwhen he wanted anything very much.
For when Toady Lion asked for a thing, like the person in theadvertisement, he saw that he got it.
In vain it was pointed out to him that this ill-advised actionconstituted rank mutiny, and that he was liable to be arrested, triedby court-martial, and ignominiously shot. Toady Lion knew all aboutmutiny, and cared nothing about courts-martial. Besides, he had hadsome experience, and he knew the value of "making oneself a nuisance"in army matters.
Equally in vain was Sammy Carter's humorously false information thathe had better run, for here was Janet coming up the road with an awfulbiggy stick.
"Don't care for Janet," reiterated Toady Lion. "I wants VictowyaCyoss--I wants it _now!_"
So there upon the roadside, at the very outset of the campaign, SirToady Lion was decorated with the much coveted "For Valour" cross.
And he would be a bold man who would say that he did not deserve it.
The Surprising Adventures of Sir Toady Lion with Those of General Napoleon Smith Page 14