by HJ Bellus
I tap my toes on the tile, thinking about the word “redemption,” knowing damn well it will never grace my life. I chuckle out loud. The sun has long gone to sleep with the darkness of the night seeping into my room. I’ve managed to make it through the day. My nerves have flared, and I’m two seconds from checking myself out. I could get a hotel and wait until Jessie or Max could pick me up. It would be a selfish dick move and one I refuse to do. I thought my world spinning, being drunk as fuck at my bar, was hell. That’s was a funny joke. This right here is the worst. I steady my arms, deciding to leave and never look back when I’m distracted.
“Mom, Mom.” A tiny voice shrills above the dull noise of the hospital.
Then a red ball bounces into my room. I watch the playground-type ball bounce once then twice before it rests underneath my bed.
The hell? I’m done trying to think out my next step. I’m ready to get fixed and the hell out of this place. Bertie made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me, and I have to be okay with that. I don’t want to be, but I have no other choice. She laid everything out on the line. I had no clue she knew about me and Bethany. Thing is she’s only heard one side of the story, and everyone knows there are always two sides and that the truth lies in the middle. Determined beyond belief, I have to get over the fact my side will never be told.
Tiny blonde, bouncing curls hurricane into my room. It’s the first time the attention isn’t on me. The small figure is laser-focused on the red ball wedged under my bed.
“Shoot.” She slams her balled-up fists on her hips. “This sucks.”
She slaps her hand over her mouth and whips her head back. I’m assuming she’s making sure her parents didn’t hear her. She acts fast, falling to her belly and wiggling under the bed.
“Where did you go?” A voice floats into my room.
It all happens so damn fast I find myself falling back into my chair with my vision darting side to side. Shit, I need to get my head on straight.
“In room four-hundred-four, Mom. I lost my ball,” the angelic voice sings out from under the bed.
Visions of more blonde hair whip into my room. It’s Bertie. And this time her attention isn’t on me. Nope, it’s on the tiny body under my bed.
“How many times have I told you that you can’t do this?”
“Millions,” the tiny girl replies. “Got it, Mom.”
Bertie bends down, adjusting her large bag on shoulder, and then wraps her hands around the little girl’s ankles. “Ready?”
“Yep, Mom. This is the best ball ever!”
Bertie shakes her head before tugging the little one out. The mini replica of Bertie glides along the hospital floor on her belly with the red ball firmly squeezed between her fingertips.
“Phew.” She drops one hand for a second, wiping her hair from her face before clutching the ball again. “I won this today because Miss Teacher said I was the bestest in the class all day long.”
“Best,” Bertie corrects the little girl.
And in the blink of an eye, Bertie realizes what room she’s in. Her face goes pale as we make eye contact.
“Co-Come on, sweetie. You can’t run into a patient’s room.”
“I know, Mom.” The little girl with bright blonde hair and big eyes clutches the ball to her chest. “I promised you I wouldn’t do it again, but I was finally good. So, so good. I wanted to punch Belle in the face and spit on Lilly, but I didn’t, Mom, and won this.” She throttles the ball up in the air.
Bertie smiles. It’s genuine and raw, and I haven’t seen something that beautiful in years.
“Okay, tell Co-this patient sorry.”
The little girl whips my direction. “Sorry.”
I nod. “No worries.”
Bertie clutches the top of the little girl’s shoulder as the tiny one glances around the room. “I’m really sorry. This shouldn’t have happened.”
Bertie’s cheeks flush a bright red. She doesn’t have to speak a word that she wasn’t willing to give me this piece of her life, but that damn red ball did. Red may be my new favorite color.
I wave her off. “Just staring at the walls. It’s no big deal, really.”
“Do you need anything?” She checks her Apple Watch on her wrist. “I can’t get you a pizza or any food, but maybe a word search or something.”
I’d give anything to freeze this moment. Bertie is talking to me again as if I were a human. I’d give anything to relive this moment over and over again.
“Word search!” The little girl jumps up and down. “Mom, can we do one?”
My breath hitches deep in my chest. This little girl is something else. It’s only been a few minutes, and I know this beyond a doubt. Bertie Cooper has a daughter who is her complete opposite. Wild and carefree in every way. Before I have the time to process the fact that Bertie may be married or have an ex, a shrill scream bounces off the walls of my hospital room.
“That’s my name.” She points her chubby finger at the sign detailing my room number, name, who my nurse is, what room I’m in, and the last time I pissed. “Mom, that’s my name.”
Bertie bites her bottom lip, not as thrilled as her daughter, and that’s the moment she breaks our eye contact, dropping her gaze to her shoes. They tap the ground in sync as my thundering heart threatens to shatter my rib cage.
“I’m Cody.” The tiny one beats her chest.
I raise an eyebrow, speaking before thinking which is my norm. “No, I’m Cody.”
She bounds my way, escaping Bertie’s grasp. “You are a boy, and your name is Cody?”
Her giggles fill my heart as she slaps her hand over her mouth. “You have a girl name.”
I shrug and lift my arms out to the side. “You got me. My mom gave me a dam…” I clear my throat, “…a darn girl name.”
“That sucks, dude.” She wrinkles her nose.
“Cody.” Bertie’s stern voice cuts into our conversation. “What have I told you about that word?”
“It’s yucky and sounds yucky and only yucky people say it.”
Bertie shakes her head. “Not quite, but that will do.”
“Roberta.” A booming voice cuts into our moment.
“In here,” she responds.
Moments later, a tall man with blond hair enters the room. If it weren’t for his suit, I’d guess he was a beach bum with his dark tan and dazzling white smile. He checks the Rolex on his wrist before glancing up.
“We have thirty minutes before we are late for our dinner date.”
“Mom, no!” Cody stomps her foot. “I don’t wanna have to stay with that mean lady. She only watches the news, and I have to keep my back straight.”
I don’t miss the man’s jaw clenching and Bertie struggling to remedy the situation. She ushers her daughter back to her side and whispers something in her ear. The man I decide to call “Doctor Dickweed” pulls a large diamond ring out of his pocket.
“You can change at Mom’s house when we drop her off, but put this on now.” He slides the enormous rock on her finger.
The pieces fall together—the epic proposals. Doctor Dickweed has my girl. The bottom of my world falls out. I clench my jaw tight, wanting nothing more than to stand up and whip this dickhead’s ass. It’s not my place. I lost her. My actions proved this fact.
“Hey,” I holler out.
Little Cody turns around, all of her excitement now gone.
“Nice meeting you, Cody 2.0.” I wink at her.
This gains me a grin.
She shakes her head, clutching her red ball to her chest. “You have a girl name.”
I nod my head. “Guess I do.”
“We need to go or we’ll be late.” Doctor Dickweed clutches Bertie’s arm, tugging her along, her mini-me following right behind them, gracing me with her smile the entire time.
Even though I’m sitting down in a chair, my world spins faster than a merry-go-round. I’m lost for words or thoughts. Britt’s comment about the epic proposal ricochets. She
wasn’t a fan. I wasn’t a fan the moment the man entered the room. The mood changed faster than I could blink. It’s one of those times when you know nothing, but poison is about to seep into your blood.
Bertie has a little girl. She can’t be a day over five or six. The timeline doesn’t add up for her being mine, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. She’s so pure and amazing. By the time I manage to get back into my bed with all the damn tubes and shit in place, my mind reels with all the what-ifs and could-have-beens.
Chapter 5
Cody
My eyelids are heavy as the nurses wheel me down to the operating room. Ceiling tiles and dim lights pass one by one. All through the night, I wasn’t able to process a damn thing, let alone that the hands of the woman I love are about to fix my body.
I nod when nurses tell me things and even ask me questions. It’s a fantastic and haunting blur. I’m left in a tiny room wrapped in warm blankets, minutes from heading into the operating room.
“Mr. Sterling.” I’d recognize that voice anywhere. I sit up in my bed, coming eye to eye with Bertie. “Just wanted to stop by and see if you had any questions.”
“You named her Cody,” ghosts off my lips.
“I’m here to do a job. How are you feeling? Do you have any questions?”
“Bertie.” I grab for her hand, but she steps back faster than I can reach her.
“Cody, the past is just that. Leave it there. You made your choice years ago. Hell, more than a decade ago. Leave it there.” She crosses her arms. “Unless you have any questions, I’ll see you in a few in the operating room.”
“Don’t do this,” I plead. I’m a desperate man, yearning just for a morsel of the past.
“I’m engaged. I’m in love with a damn good man. There’s nothing here to discuss, Cody. We were once fools in love, or what we thought love was.”
I shake my head. “You know it was more than that, and you don’t love him.”
She steps closer, leaning over my bed. “I do. In fact, I do with everything I have. He’s a good man who would never do what you did to me.”
“I didn’t sleep with her.”
“Yeah.” She crosses her arms over her chest, and even though her blonde locks are hidden by the scrub hat on the top of her head, she looks sexy as hell.
“I didn’t. She tried. Took me to her room. I thought you were going to be there. You weren’t. We kissed, and I passed out.” I cringe at the words coming out of my mouth, but they need to be said. “I was piss drunk, and she was hell bent on having me. No excuses, Bertie. You deserve the truth.”
She nods her head. “Thanks for the truth, years later. Again, I’m engaged to a man who would never do such things. Cody, there’s not even a chance of friendship for us. If you don’t have any questions, everything is on track for a successful surgery.” She raises an eyebrow.
I shake my head. “I’m still flesh and bones. Bertie, I’m human. I’ve fucked up and can admit to it. You could at least treat me like one.”
“All right, then, see you in a bit.” With that, she turns her stiffened spine on me and walks right out of the tiny holding room.
The warm blankets do nothing with the frosty chill she just sent through me. I have no idea how anyone would react in this situation, but this would be the worst option.
***
Bertie
I square my shoulders as I scrub up, repeating to myself over and over again, “This is just another operation.” I’ve performed hundreds of hip replacements. Hell, I could do it in my sleep. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself it’s the same; I know this is different.
I’ve known the reason he gave me a piss-poor excuse years ago. Bethany was all too proud to shove it in my face. Her story was exaggerated to the nines. I knew this, but you know what they say about the imagination.
I deflected back to my point of safety, telling him over and over I was in love with Garrett. It’s the furthest from the truth. He nailed me at a weak point, and I said yes. Cody doesn’t need to know that, and I’ll convince my heart it isn’t true until I believe it. I don’t get it right all the time, but this time I will.
I told Garrett about Cody. Well, I gave him a very watered-down version as in we went to high school together. I pleaded my case to the higher-ups that I shouldn’t be doing this surgery. They didn’t care. They needed bodies and things to flow like normal with one surgeon out.
I don’t enter the OR like I typically do and smile down kindly to the patient, letting them know they’re in safe hands before they drift off to sleep. I don’t have it in me. I can’t face him. He’s the one man who holds the power to shred me from limb to limb. Everything I forced myself to spew at him was a damn lie. I still love him and always will. And that’s one secret I’ll never let him in on.
“Roberta Cooper, you’re strong, smart, and got this,” I whisper to myself.
It isn’t the first time I’ve had this sentiment running through my mind. In fact, it was my mantra when Cody left me, the day Cody reentered my world, and every day since.
“He’s ready,” my nurse announces.
My favorite song, “Say You Love Me” by Fleetwood Mac, begins humming through the chilled room as I enter. I find myself swaying back and forth, making my way to the patient, never glancing at his face. Call me a coward, because that’s what I am with the way I just treated him.
I crossed boundaries allowing a personal past to enter the present, but I refuse to allow it to mess with my head. It was all lies I spit at him. Falling for Cody Sterling again would be the easiest thing I could ever do. Hell, I named my daughter after him, hoping like hell it would grace her with his zest and live-out-loud gusto for life.
My team nods, knowing it’s go time. I even find a smile gracing my lips, remembering all the times Cody would hold me as he screwed up the words to this song. He always knew it was my favorite. And it’s always been the song that’s played in my operating room. It was my foundation, like the man lying on my operating table.
Once again I square my shoulders. This man I’m about to operate on saved me when I was lost in this big bad world. He was the one who encouraged me to be the person I am deep down. Hell, he bragged about his sexy little nerd in front of the entire town. There wasn’t a moment he wasted not letting me know how much he loved me.
He may have broken my heart, but by damn, I will mend this broken man. I have no idea why a guy his age would be in this shape, but it’s none of my business. With one last hip sway and bob of my head, I gear my team into action. I don’t miss the horrific burns on his leg and force myself to ignore them.
With the first slice, I’m taken back into history, feeling his arms wrapped around me as he sways me to this song. I’ve never been so in the zone before. It’s like magic.
I will never be able to give Cody Sterling my heart again, but I will give him this. My hands move automatically as I perform each step. I don’t miss the fact that each song that plays overhead brings back a memory or dozen of the love of my life, Cody. He’s always been the playlist of my life.
The monitors begin buzzing. Frantic action ensues as Cody flatlines right beneath my hands. My mind whirls and whizzes for a few beats.
“Cooper!” My name echoes around the sterile, chilled room followed by other words, but I’m unable to process them.
I glance up at the monitor, seeing the flatline, and have no idea what in the hell is happening.
I’m shoved out of the way by my intern, who hollers for the paddles. All I can do is stare down at my blood-covered gloves. I swear nothing makes sense. His labs were excellent, he’s healthy, he may drink a bit too much, but he’s in great shape. It all reels through my mind in slow motion. The movie of my life. The what could have been and what never did lies before me with no heartbeat.
I’m unable to process or even move. I watch as my team hollers out, doing their best to save Cody’s life. All I can do is stand there and watch the love of my life drift away. The tast
e of bitterness that slipped off my song is now bathed on his soul. It will be the last message he ever heard from me.
Chapter 6
Bertie
I flip page after page of Cody’s records, getting no closer to understanding what happened in the OR. All I do know is that I froze, ignoring all my instincts as a surgeon. That has never happened before. My team used the paddles, bringing Cody back to life. With only a few steps left, I was able to finish the surgery. But now he’s in a bed in the ICU, fighting for his life.
My eyes glance over all the labs and his medical history; not one thing makes sense. By all means, the information in front of me shows he should have been the easiest surgery ever, including his recovery time. Cody should be up and walking now after the sedation wore off. But instead he’s on a ventilator in ICU. He never woke up after he was brought back to life. The machines are doing everything for the most charismatic man I’ve ever known. Nobody is as full of life as is the Cody from all my memories. I can see life has been hard on him.
I slam down his labs then toss my iPad at the wall. Even the Chief of Surgery told me I did nothing wrong and sometimes things can’t be explained. Didn’t help that it’s Garrett, and he spent a whole whopping thirty seconds on the damn conversation. My intern is buried under a pile of books and paperwork, scouring for an answer because that’s all I want.
Garrett, my fiancé, couldn’t give a shit less. It shouldn’t matter whether I know the patient or not. He should be concerned that a life flatlined under my hands. That’s his job to be there to support me. I settled with him as my boyfriend and now future husband. I won’t settle with him as the Chief of Surgery.
After hours of poring through the same damn test results, I give up and walk out of the stale room where surgeons get the chance to relax. My feet are weighed down with dead mass as I walk to the elevator and push the button to his floor. The inside of the elevator suffocates me as tears slip from the corners of my eyes. The elevator creeps inch by inch as my heart continues to break. I feel like shit. Lower than low…it’s worse than the day Cody walked away, the day Bethany told me what happened in her terms, and even more earth-shattering the day I found I was expecting a little life. I have no words.