by HJ Bellus
I can’t even begin to understand why I’m going to see him. My body is on auto-pilot, seeking him out. It’s the only place I want to be. I brush away the tears as soon as the doors open and use my work badge to enter the ICU. I don’t make eye contact with anyone as I make my way to his room.
I freeze for a second before sliding open the glass door. I don’t recognize Cody. The man lying in the bed is far from the man I once knew. I tug the chair closer to his bedside, grab his hand, squeezing it tight for my own comfort, and drop my head. The tears turn on without warning, flowing down without regret.
“I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry, Cody.” I can’t even make out the muffled words that escape from me. “I was so mean to you. So, so mean. I was protecting myself from you. Because you, Cody, have always owned me and are the one man with enough power to destroy me.”
I go on and on, telling him everything, pleading with him to fight for his next breath. Once my throat is hoarse and I’m exhausted, I pull out my phone and find the playlist. Our playlist that I’ve listened to thousands of times and never tired of.
The music plays low and soft, hugging both of us with its lyrics. I find myself singing along to each song. The variety of the playlist ranges from Charley Pride to Beyonce. “When Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman begins playing, the tears appear again. It was our song. Cody always promised me he’d take me away in a fast car to any university I wanted to study at. I’d give anything right now to give him a fast car taking away all of his problems.
I close my eyes, watching the movie of our memories flash by while a sliver of hope builds inside me, wanting to make more memories with this man. I can’t. It’s the raw emotion racing through me. I check the time and know I have to leave now in order to pick up Cody from her dance class in thirty minutes.
I stand, wiping away the stray tears and mess from my face. I have no doubt wiping away the tears does little to erase the evidence of my sorrow. My eyes are puffy and cheeks heated, not to mention my stuffy nose. Light beeping serenades the hall of the ICU with nurses quietly checking charts and patients. I manage to make it out into the waiting room, not running into anyone. That is a miracle in itself.
I hear a friendly, familiar voice when I enter the waiting room, not thinking straight enough to take the back route to avoid people. My best friend and fellow surgeon, Trent McCray, sits on a worn chair with his elbows resting on top of his thighs in a gentle fashion. He rushed into my OR after he finished up a surgery of his own for moral support and to help finish up Cody’s procedure. And now he’s talking to…
I glance up to the group of people and immediately notice Jessie and Brady in the small crowd. They were Cody’s best friends from high school and amazing guys. But the grief dancing in their eyes have me damn near crumbling right back down.
“Bertie.” Jessie rises to his feet, scrubbing the stubble on his jaw. “What are you doing here?”
Before he finishes his question, I know he’s answered himself by the way his brows crunch up. A woman sitting next to him with long, thick, wavy brown hair stands by his side with red, swollen eyes gripping his arm. It takes me a few beats to recognize Jules, Jessie’s high school sweetheart, until one day they were no more.
“It was you?” he seethes. “No wonder his heart quit beating.”
“Jessie,” Jules hisses.
Trent is on his feet, standing between me and the crowd. “Doctor Cooper is one of the best surgeons here. There’s no need for this.”
Brady yanks Jessie back and finally makes eye contact. The hurt and sorrow playing out in his caring eyes guts me. He gifts me with a jerk of a chin and doesn’t say a damn thing.
I go to open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I’ve learned over the years that at times it’s best to say nothing at all. And this is certainly one of those. I bite down on my bottom lip, stare at my clogs that still have a dabble of Cody’s blood on them, and begin to walk away, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.
“Walk away. That’s what you do best.” Jessie’s voice echoes around the suffocating waiting room.
His words strike me dead center in the heart. I freeze, turn to him, darting my angry gaze right at him. I’ve been ripped in so many different directions the past twenty-four hours, lines have been blurred, while I’ve been drowning in the murky color grey. There hasn’t been a single ounce of black and white.
“Rich words coming from you, Jessie. Seems you perfected walking away.” I square my shoulders, not able to handle one more damn thing today.
“Bertie,” Trent warns.
I completely ignore him, not willing to be put down by a stranger from my past who has no idea what he’s talking about.
“You have no idea. I did nothing wrong, and if you feel otherwise, I suggest you shut your mouth and file a complaint with the hospital. I will not tolerate being put down by the likes of you.”
It’s brutal honesty. I internally wince at my own words but don’t regret them. I’m punishing myself enough and don’t need his shit right now, or in fact, ever. The room falls silent, and I don’t wait for a response before marching out of the room and into the staff room.
I pound my fist into the front of my locker, dropping my forehead to it, feeling defeated. My once-sturdy world that was planted firmly below my feet is now spinning faster than a rollercoaster, making me dizzy as hell. It’s the same feeling I experienced when Cody Sterling first smirked and sidled up to me in English class. Same feeling, totally different circumstances, with one common denominator. Cody.
I slide down to the floor, nursing my throbbing fist to my chest. The door creaks open, but I don’t look up.
“On your feet, Cooper.” Trent kneels down, bringing up my chin with his finger. “We all have days like this, and you’re not going to let it take you down.”
“How? What the hell happened? What did I do wrong?” My chin begins to quiver.
“Stop. You did nothing wrong. I reviewed the charts too. I don’t have an answer for you, babe.” He cups my cheek. “What I do know is that I’m going to kick your ass if you fall. Dust it off. He’s alive.”
Before I know it, Trent grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet. He does his best, reminding me of everything I have and the reasons to move forward. He leaves out Garrett, and that’s no surprise. Trent is not a fan of the man.
“Dry those tears, quit being a baby, and go get that perfect little girl of yours.” He slaps my ass.
“He’s the one, Trent. It’s Cody lying in that bed up in the ICU. The man I’ve always loved who flatlined under my hands.”
“Yeah, I know.” He pulls open my locker and begins stuffing my shit in my oversized bag. “You never should’ve been operating on him because of that. But seems Doctor Douchebag couldn’t care less.”
“Don’t.” I raise my hand, cutting off Trent’s rant on Garrett before he can even warm up.
Trent has been by my side throughout internship and residency, and now we work at the same hospital. He’s a cardiac surgeon while I went to orthopedics. He’s the typical manwhore, best friend, and has dead-on senses. Every single time I chose to ignore his warnings, I found myself on the losing side. But when it came to Garrett, I was simply lonely and enjoyed his companionship in the beginning. As time wore on, the real man behind the mask made his appearance. Our relationship morphed into him showing me off on his arm, flaunting his money with the stupid engagement ring, and being a smug asshole.
“Here.” Trent slaps the huge diamond ring into my palm like it is searing his skin.
I wiggle it on my finger, too damn exhausted to dissect what the hell I am going to do. I give him a quick peck on the cheek before making my way out of the locker room.
“Give my girl a squeeze and kiss for me.” Trent winks.
“Will do.”
The sun has already begun its fall to slumber. Oranges and pink hues blaze all over the parking lot. I click the key fob to my practical, mid-size SUV, concentrating on my footsteps, hoping
like hell I can completely redo this entire day.
“Roberta.” A voice echoes around me, and a shrill of chills race up my spine. Only one person calls me that name, and he only does it because it sounds more sophisticated than Bertie. I despise it.
I turn to see Garrett jogging up to me in his three-piece suit, his thick hair perfectly in place.
“Hey, baby.” He kisses my forehead. His lips feel like sandpaper on my skin as my back grows ramrod straight. “Did you forget about our dinner tonight?”
I tilt my head to the side, biting down on my bottom lip. My weakness is overreacting when I’m physically exhausted. This fact I learned over the last few years. I can’t imagine how I’d be when I was emotionally exhausted as well. I mull my words through my sluggish brain before stringing together a sentence.
“I don’t remember a dinner date, Garrett.” I don’t even miss the venom lacing each word.
“I texted you today at lunch.”
And I detonate like a ticking time bomb. Red blurs my vision with no end in sight.
“Excuse me?” I adjust my bag on my shoulder and shove his chest, the tip of my key piercing the inside of my palm. The pain fuels me on. “You texted me.”
“Hey now.” He holds his hands up in the air. “Calm down. You can get dressed at home and I’ll pick you up. We have about forty-five minutes.”
“You are unbelievable.” I shake my head and turn away, knowing this will go nowhere. The man doesn’t show one ounce of empathy for what I’ve gone through today.
“It’s with a large pharmaceutical company and at your favorite steak place on the canyon.”
I rip open my car door, toss in my bag and keys, then slip the diamond ring from my finger, taking three sure steps his way.
“Here, take this and enjoy your fucking dinner. And for your information, Taco Time is my favorite place to eat but clearly below you.” I go to whirl around but have more to say and don’t stop until I get it all out. “I needed you today, Garrett, and you weren’t there. I told you I didn’t want to be in on that operation. You couldn’t give two shits.”
“Roberta, you’re overreacting.” He reaches out a hand, and I bat it away.
“No, I’m not. You’re a self-centered asshole, Garrett, and I’m done being your toy.”
“No.” His jaw tightens. “We are engaged. The whole hospital knows this.”
“And tomorrow they’ll know we are not.”
“Listen.” He grabs my hips before I can move back again. “I’ve been overwhelmed with the new position and all the pressure. You’re right. I should’ve been there today. I’m so sorry.”
He presses his lips to my forehead. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him he’s nowhere the man Cody is, even after what happened between the two of us. I suck my lips in and trap the words.
“Go home, baby. I’ll come over after dinner, and we can talk.” He slides the ring back on my finger.
My bones and muscles collapse in weariness. I have no more fight lingering in me. I take a step back.
“Okay, but not tonight. I just want to go home and be with Cody. She’s what I need right now.”
Garrett shakes his head.
“What?” I demand.
“Nothing.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I’ll text when I’m done with the dinner.”
With that, he turns and strides to his car. The black, sleek one with leather seats. The same one Cody isn’t allowed a juice box in and her dog, Scotty, can never ride in. What in the hell have I done?
As soon as I start my car, my cell phone beeps with an incoming text. I look down to see a selfie of my daughter and best friend, Nell, smiling brightly at the camera. Those two can always light up the darkest of days. Pressing my finger on the photo, I save it to my camera roll. I swear those two fill the pictures on my phone. They’re a light in the dark, seeing their bright smile.
After saving the pic, I then read her short but to the point text message.
Nell: I picked up Cody meet you at the house. Also grabbed Taco Time for dinner. You know you love me.
I shake my head and find myself smiling for the first time today. Nell is my best friend from college and the only sister I’ve ever had. We couldn’t be any different than two people are. She’s a fashion designer while I went to med school. But we were the best two roommates the stars ever aligned.
We were assigned to be dorm partners our first year and never left each other’s sides. Nell’s fashion career and lifestyle blog can operate anywhere, and that’s why we are still neighbors. Idaho really isn’t the best location for her, but she makes it work.
She’s Cody’s godmother and my favorite person in this world. On the short drive to my house, I find myself feeling lighter than I have all day. Yes, Cody flatlined under my hands. But he’s alive and will be off the ventilator in a few days when he comes out of his coma.
Chills race over my skin as I pull into my small one-car garage. I vow right here and now to erase the thoughts of the day into a distant memory. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
When I enter the house, it’s full-on chaos, and I knew it would be that way with Nell and Cody in charge. Scotty, the naughtiest Chihuahua on the face of the world, races around the house, barking his high-pitched squeal. Cody chases him, still wearing her little tutu from dance class, and the whole time Nell perches on my couch, eating a taco and sipping from a glass of wine.
I shake my head and find myself laughing at the scene before me then grab a taco from the greasy brown bag on the counter. Nell already has a glass of wine poured for me as I plop down on the couch next to her, propping my feet on the coffee table.
Typically, seeing all the stuffing from one of Scotty’s plush toys spread all over the floor would piss me off. Not tonight. I actually find myself smiling at the mess, appreciating the value of life and what I have.
“What’s up with you?” Nell takes a huge bite out of her taco.
“Long, horrible day.” I pause, but Nell doesn’t accept that as an answer. After my first swallow of a delicious cheesy crunchy taco, I tell her everything.
She knows who Cody is. She was there with me through all of it. Bethany roomed next to us in the towers but was always hanging out with us. She didn’t fit in, and Nell knew it from the time we all met. I was more naïve and gave the girl a chance; looking back, it was the biggest mistake of my life. Cody may have screwed up, but I sure in the hell didn’t do anything to try to protect our relationship.
Nell falls silent, since there are no words to even offer a glimpse of sympathy. I’m thankful that she knows me so well. A simple pat on the leg while pouring me another glass of wine is all I need to know.
“And there’s more,” I admit then take a sip of the crisp, sweet white wine, glancing over at Cody, who has dozed off on her oversized pillow with Naughty Scotty cuddled up to her side. “Garrett.”
Nell groans, rolls her eyes, and bites down on her lip. “I’ll just listen, because you know my opinion.”
“Yeah, same as Trent’s. You’ve two made it damn well known. I don’t need it right now. I was an idiot. I swear.”
“Keep going.” Nell tops off my half glass of wine. “Spit it out. We’ve done dumb things.”
I rake my hand through my hair. “I do feel something for Garrett. The thing is, as the days go by, it’s as if his true colors show through more and more.”
She nods, encouraging me to continue.
“He chased me out of the hospital tonight, insisting I’d be late for our dinner date, which I had no damn clue about. I swear he thinks I’m just his play toy. He had no remorse, and not even an ounce of sympathy for what I went through today, not as my boss and sure in the hell not as my supposed fiancé. Long story shorter. I gave him back the engagement ring.”
This causes Nell to perk up. I now have her whole interest. “Go on,” she urges.
“He did what Garrett does and tried to smooth it over. He put it back on my finger.”
“I threw it in my purse before I drove home. I’m so lost. I swear, one moment life was good. I have this parent and work combo thing down. Thought I was falling in love again with a good guy and boom, shit hit the fan.”
“I really tried here, Bertie, but I have to give my two cents.” Nell relaxes on the couch. “Garrett is a good-looking man. He played you well in the beginning, but you’re right, his true colors are showing through. The thing I can’t take and I know you can’t either is how he treats her.” She nudges her head in the direction of Cody, who is stirring and causing Scotty to grumble at her. “He has never once acknowledged the importance of your own daughter in his life or yours. He treats her like a dirty little secret, and it’s complete bullshit. The only reason I haven’t blown up so far is because you make up for masking his discontent with her. But is that how you really envision the rest of your life?”
And there it is, the punch straight to the gut that I needed. She smacked the nail on the head with every point. At first, I thought Garrett was uncomfortable around kids, so I did my best to introduce the two and ended up overcompensating for the way Garrett treats her. It’s all just so screwed up.
“And you don’t have to answer that.” She stands, patting my shoulder. “I know you’re a better person than to want your life like that. I’m crashing on the couch after I steal your favorite blanket. Love ya, like a bad case of a contagious rash or hives or whatever the hell.”
A light chuckle escapes. I can’t but think of all our wine-drunk stunts, and we are about another swallow or two before that happens again. Exhaustion has overwhelmed me; I have a cute, perfect little girl, and an asshole dog that’s calling my name.