by HJ Bellus
“’Night,” I whisper after a dozen tacos had been consumed between the two of us, nearly two bottles of wine downed, and my imaginary white surrender flag waves high in the air.
Scotty bares his teeth at me and does his best version of a menacing growl when I scoop Cody up in my arms, which causes him to roll off her side. I really thought it was a cute and clever idea to adopt a puppy when Cody turned four. Little did I know, we were adopting the puppy of Satan. If there’s a trash can to dive in, a sound to bark at, or a piece of carpet to piss on, Scotty is your dog. As big of a pain in the ass as he is, he owns a piece of my heart. He lets Cody do anything to him from dressing him up to painting his toenails. The damn dog idolizes her.
Just like Garrett should, I think to myself.
Nell already has herself burrito wrapped in my favorite fluffy blanket and is passed out flat on the couch. I shake my head and smile, feeling right at home in my own house. That’s the feeling I crave to get high on and must ground myself to.
“Momma,” Cody grumbles as I force her to tug on her favorite sunshine yellow pajamas when all I want to do is collapse in the yellow blankets covering her bed.
“Yeah, baby.” I brush back her bouncy yellow curls.
“I didn’t get in trouble today.”
“Good girl.” I kiss the tip of her nose while tugging her top down in place.
“Nell is right.” Her eyes go bright and wide as she hits full wide-awake mode.
“What do you mean?” I ask, ripping my bra off and wiggling into some comfy clothes, keeping everything tucked in. I’m a black belt in this art and have it down to less than ten seconds, wine drunk or not.
“Garrett is mean. He doesn’t like me. And I know I’m dumb, but he’s mean, Mom.”
I tug down the hem of my favorite t-shirt as her last words pierce my heart. I stare my wide-eyed girl in the eye and get real. Because if this world has taught me anything, it’s that you have to be real or it will swallow you whole.
“He’s an asshole, sweetie. There’s no way to sugarcoat it.” And with a stern look, I tell her the most important part. “I never want to hear you say that again. You are not dumb, Cody girl. You’re brilliant, talented, and the most loving girl I know.”
“Thanks, Momma.” She wipes the sleep from her eyes and spreads her arms wide.
I swoop her from the counter and carry her to her bed, making sure to tuck her in on her favorite side before cuddling up behind her. It’s perfect. Besides, I don’t have my favorite blanket, and that’s truly nothing in the scheme of things.
Cody snuggles up next to me. Her sweet breath tickles the flesh under my chin like a fresh rain, each droplet a promise of forever that I’ll never forget.
“Mom.”
“Yeah, Cody.” I know she’s wide awake now: she calls me Mom and not Momma.
“We didn’t say goodnight to Dad.”
I tap her nose. “You’re right.”
I roll over, flick on the lamp, and bring the framed photo to her. “You’re the smartest girl I know.” I tuck the photo between us.
“Night, Dad. I love you so, so, so much. I hope you’re having fun in heaven and taking care of Goldie the fish.”
Cody reaches up, pressing her lips to the glass and squeezing her eyes shut. I don’t have to ask to know she’s making a wish all her own.
Garrett wouldn’t have any time for this nonsense.
Cody Sterling, on the other hand, would cherish every moment, even though his namesake isn’t his.
Chapter 7
Bertie
“Mom.” Cody plops a syrup-drenched waffle piece in her mouth. “Can I get hot pink boots when my star chart fills up?”
Nell winces at what I assume is Cody’s loud voice then ruffles her ponytail. “You hate pink, squirt.”
Cody shrugs. “Lilly, the one with all the friends, loves pink and…”
“Whoa,” I round the counter after setting down my glass of orange juice, “that doesn’t mean you have to like pink.”
She dips her head, staring at her dangling feet. “It will make me smarter.”
“Honey.” I grab her and hug her tight to my chest. The drumming pain in my chest strikes an ache I’ve never felt before. It’s my wake-up call: I have a struggling little girl right in front of me, one who is insecure and struggling to fit into the mainstream of the world. I was there once, until one crazy boy entered my life. And damn if I’m going to make my Cody wait that long. It’s time I put my life back in order right now.
“Screw pink. It’s a color and not yours. You never have to wear or like something because it’s popular.” I hold her tight to my chest. “Wear yellow and rock it, baby girl. And what did I tell you?” I don’t wait for her response repeating the same sentiment again to her and will do it for the rest of my days until she believes it. “Cody girl, you’re brilliant, talented, and the most-loving girl I know.”
“Yeah.” Nell slams down her coffee mug and winces. “You wear yellow, scream yellow, and rock the shit out of it. You make yellow the best damn color until Lilly loves it.”
We spend the rest of the morning doing our best damn girl jam getting Cody ready for school. Garrett blew up my phone all morning, and I ignored every single message he sent.
Clutching the diamond ring in my palm, I walk into the break room, burning with passion. Not the same passion I once thought this piece of jewelry would bring in my life; it’s disgust and anger that I nearly tumbled down that rabbit hole.
I was relieved to find out that I was taken off all surgeries today and only have to do rounds. To say I was shocked is an understatement; I never thought Garrett would get a clue. I tap my foot impatiently, waiting for him to enter the vacant break room. It’s probably not the best time to do this, but really, when is it ever?
The door bursts open, and Garrett rushes in, revealing his notorious and glorious frazzled state. It’s sexy on him, with his perfect features tensed and shoulders strung tight. It takes me back to the first time I fell for him.
“Hey.” He closes the distance between us with his large palm grabbing my hip, tugging me to him.
I wince at the overwhelming fruity smell emanating off him. I wrinkle my nose and take a step back. Neon fuchsia fills my vision, a pink so bright it turns my stomach until bile burns the back of my throat. Without thinking, I reach up and strum the pink-hued stain on Garrett’s collar.
He glances down at the action then covers my hand with his, squeezing it gently.
“Who was she?” I whisper, not making eye contact.
He presses his lips to the top of my head, gifting me a tender kiss. “You know my mom loves her pink lipstick.”
“And the smell?” I squeeze my eyes shut, having no idea if I’m relieved or disgusted by him right now.
“She got a new perfume,” he offers.
I push back from him, squeezing the ring tighter in my grip until the sharp edges pierce the inside of my palm. I eye him up and down, not having to ask the question out loud.
“I was called in last night. Haven’t had a chance to change. Long-ass night.” He takes a step back from me, reading my body language then nervously running his hand through his tousled hair.
“Thank you for taking me off the schedule.”
“It’s hospital protocol. You’ll be off surgeries for the next two weeks.”
I nod, knowing that already, and decide I don’t have time in my life to prolong this.
“It’s over, Garrett. We aren’t working and are definitely blurring lines as it is. We want different things in life.” I step up to him. When he doesn't hold his hand out, I place the engagement ring in the pocket in the front of his suit. I give it one gentle and final pat.
“I love being a surgeon. I love working here, and I hope that can continue.” I step back and turn from him, glancing over my shoulder. “I wish you no ill will, Garrett.”
He remains stoic and silent until my hand is on the door, ready to pull it open.
&nb
sp; “Bertie.”
I freeze but don’t turn around.
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yes.” The one word comes out resolute and determined.
“You’re going to regret making me look like a fool,” he hisses.
This forces me to whirl around. “I don’t think threatening an employee is a great idea.”
An evil chuckle escapes him, a sound I’ve never heard from him before. I know staying here and engaging with him is a losing battle.
“You’ve been warned.” Garrett’s final volley isn’t lost on me.
I knew this wouldn’t be easy, yet I don’t let it rattle me one bit when I start my day. I’m not going to be a hypocrite when I pumped my daughter full of encouragement this morning about being brave and being herself. Hell no, there’s no more time to be a coward. I square my shoulders as I walk down the hall and ride the elevator up to the ICU. I ignore all the pity stares from co-workers.
Doesn’t take a fool to know damn well the news and gossip spread about yesterday’s operation. For the most part, employees here are professional and respect boundaries. There are always a few rotten seeds.
“Bertie.”
I freeze mid-step when I hear my name being called. I whirl around, on high alert. It’s natural instinct as my body goes into fight-or-flight mode. I come face-to-face with Jessie James. I turn back around, having nothing to say to him. Damn, I’m checking shitty people off my list one at a time. I know no matter how many times I apologize to him, he’ll sling all sorts of shit right back in my face.
“Please listen,” he begs.
I don’t stop, and he keeps up with me step for step. I don’t dare glance sideways at him.
“I want to apologize. I was freaked out yesterday. Cody is like a brother to me, and I was scared shitless.”
This causes me to freeze mid-stride. I slowly turn to Jessie, keeping my shoulders squared in confidence. “How do you think I felt? Oh, wait, that doesn’t matter, does it?”
I shiver at the harshness of my own words, but it’s time I stick up for myself.
“It does, and that’s why I’m here. It was a dick move and one I’m not proud of at all. I know words aren’t enough.” He runs his hands down the scruff of his jawline. “I’m going to be real blunt right now. Seeing you brought back all the memories of how you destroyed Cody, and that’s why I reacted. It’s a shit excuse. I’m so sorry.”
“He never told you, did he?” I shake my head.
“Oh, he did. I’ve heard about you for years and seen the punishment and pain he put himself through when he let you go.” Jessie drops his head. “I’ve seen him go through hell and survive there.”
“He never told you,” I repeat.
Jessie scrunches his brows.
“Yeah, he obviously told me the same lie he told all of you. He let me go because our paths were going separate ways. The truth is he got piss drunk and damn near screwed a close friend and practical roommate of mine. That’s what happened, Jessie.”
Silence pierces the air between us. It’s deafening and about to swallow me whole. It’s too painful to allow the hurt to crush me under a bed of rubble.
“And none of the past matters. I’d do anything for a patient, not to mention one that’s owned my heart since he entered my world.” I clutch my scrubs and release them. “If you have any questions, please consult with Trent. He’ll take damn good care of you. Have a nice day, Mr. James, and please let us know if we can do anything to make your stay here at the hospital better.”
With that, I walk straight toward Cody’s room. I turn on our playlist to the lightest sound possible as I enter. The beeps and pumping of the machine way out power the music playing through my phone. But the thing is, the power of our memories and words of the songs trumps everything. My body moves automatically like I’m a fine-oiled robot.
My lips brush along Cody’s forehead. The warmth of his skin brings me comfort as if my favorite childhood blanket and Mom’s arms are wrapped around me, cocooning me in safety and love. I’m way past the grey area, swimming deep in black murky pools. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Elvis Presley, Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw, and various other artists revive our past one moment at a time. It’s a selfish act, and I relish in the memories of us, the time where I had everything and nothing at the same time. I’m so confused, but all I know is I’m at home when I’m by his side.
The days pass like this then turn into two weeks. Jessie and Jules’ visits are less frequent. I’ll give it to them—they’re tried and true friends making the five-hour drive to be with Cody even though they both have full time jobs and families. Their dedication makes me miss something that’s been absent in my life for years. Well, since…Cody. There’s no reminiscing about old times. Nope, there’s just a slight nod and flat smile exchanged between us.
***
Cody
Son of a bitch. There’s black, a flash of white, then a sizzling sensation zapping through my body from the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes. It’s pain like I’ve never experienced before. I thought I knew what pain felt like before. I was so very wrong.
The organ in the middle of my chest that grants me life is sluggish. My muscles don’t work like they did before. I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. My throat scratches, and I fight to swallow. There’s something there blocking my airway. A siren of beeps and buzzers go off, splitting my head.
My eyelids are heavily weighed down with a ton of cement. The harder I battle to get in a gasp of air, the worse my problem becomes. I’m drowning damn fast in quicksand, and the more I fight to move, the further down I sink.
“Calm down, Cody.” A hand lands on my shoulder. “I need you to relax.”
I still can’t open my eyes, but the words “Fuck off” are on the tip of my tongue. A rush of madness invades what was my peaceful slumber. My eyes shoot open and snap shut in the blink of an eye. The lights in the ceiling blind me with a deathly cloak as pain attacks my body. Every muscle roped in my body tears away. It’s surreal and something I can’t put in words.
“Mr. Sterling.” A deep voice invades the chaos I’m centered in. “Open your eyes.”
I have no idea how many times that phrase is repeated before my eyes flit open several times before finally popping open. When light invades, that’s when I tumble right into full panic mode. My limbs flail as if a storm has whirled into my world.
“What’s going on?” A familiar voice interrupts amidst the anarchy. “Get back. He needs space. Get back.”
Blonde, curly hair cascades over me. Bertie. Her familiar gentle smile from days long ago is vacant. She’s in full business mode. Oh, wait, that’s right—she’s a doctor. My surgeon. Her words. My words. The stale gray ceiling dotted with bright lights the last thing I remember staring at.
“Back off,” she barks one more time, leaning over me.
Just the sound of her voice calms my insides. As each second ticks by, my stiffened body melts back into the bed. Bertie’s hands roam over my chest, even though she’s tugging at shit and pulling the obstacle out of my throat.
My chest jolts forward. Warm palms cup my cheeks. It’s the briefest of comfort I need.
“Cody, breathe. Try to stay calm.” Bertie’s fingers cup my face. “You’re just fine. You’re just fine.”
Her words do soothe the panic, but not enough. My body isn’t connected to my soul, and I swear I’m about to grow crazy. It’s not until Bertie drops her cheek down close to my ear that I can ignore all the buzzing and chaos surrounding me. The lyrics of “Fast Car” tickle every single one of my senses. It’s what I need to ground myself. My heaving chest soothes out into a rhythmic pace, even though the raw and burning sensation in my throat ignites to an all new level.
I open my mouth to ask for water, but when nothing comes out, I manage with all of my energy to grab my throat. I’m only able to weakly wave my hand in a gesture. A strangled grunt comes from somewhere inside me. Berti
e picks up on all of it. She shouts out orders, and before I know it, there’s something wet touching my lips. It’s just enough to dampen the desert also known as the inside of my mouth.
“Stand back, Doctor Cooper,” a gruff voice barks.
She doesn’t move, applying more moisture to the inside of my mouth. Every time I struggle to swallow, the razor blades inside my throat sharpen. With each action, it’s a slicing motion causing my insides to groan and grimace.
“Stand back.” The same stern voice reverberates around wherever in the hell I am. “This is your last warning, Doctor Cooper.”
She doesn’t move, gracefully rolling the swab of sweet, sweet cold liquid around my mouth. She hasn’t stopped her perfect whispering of the song lyrics in my ear. Wetness rolls down my cheeks, and I know it’s my tears. Bertie begins rocking back and forth. All of her and everything she’s doing calms my insides until I gain my bearings.
“Call security, now.” That fucking voice invades my calmness once again.
“No!” Bertie jolts up.
The alarm or security system goes off, all sorts of piercing noises throttling my entire being right back into panic.
“Stop,” another random voice invades. “He needs her.”
“No,” the dickhead booms again.
Bertie’s hands are right back on me, easing me back into my body. She doesn’t move for a long time until she’s pried from me. And once she is, Jessie, Jules, and Max are standing by my bed. The look on Jessie’s face says it all. She’s gone once again. I do my best to glance around the room, finding it damn near impossible to lift my head.
“Relax, man.” Jessie covers my shoulder with his hand. “You’re good and awake now.”
Awake? What the hell? Jessie reads the questions and confusion blanketing my features.
“You went in for your hip surgery. They don’t know what in the hell happened, but you flatlined. There’s no rhyme or reason. You’ve been on a ventilator and slipped into a coma. You just came out of it.”