by Stacy Eaton
“You’re alright, Tucker. It was just a bad dream.”
“Josey,” he rasped, “can you stay with me for a little while?”
“Of course, Tucker.” I sat on the edge of the bed.
“Lie down next to me, please.” His eyes were large and frightened, and there was no way I would deny him anything. I shifted onto the bed and carefully spooned my body against the side of his, resting my head on his shoulder. His arm wrapped tightly around my back, and he whispered into my hair, “I just want to feel you breathe.”
The agony in his voice silenced my tongue, and I burrowed more deeply into his hold. He rubbed his nose along the top of my head, and his heartbeat gently slowed under my palm.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked a few moments later when I knew he had calmed himself.
“I was dreaming about the incident.”
“I figured. You never told me what happened. Do you want to tell me now?”
His chest rose and fell under my cheek, and I savored the feeling.
“Camille and I were trying to get protestors out of the street. I was having words with a couple of kids, and I heard a car revving its engine, and then it came straight at me. I didn’t have time to react and went flying through the air.” He paused, and his arm clenched more tightly around me. “I’d heard Camille shout my name before I got hit, but when I landed, I couldn’t really hear anything but my own screams.” A shiver raced down his body, and I kissed his chest softly.
“I knew I was in a bad place, and when I opened my eyes, a kid stood over me with a gun pointed at my head. I just knew I was about to die. I was at peace with it and even asked God to make it happen quick. I saw his finger pulling the trigger back and then he started to fall forward, Camille on his back, as the gun went off, and the bullet struck my stomach and not my head.”
I barely moved as he spoke to let him get it all out. The next words he spoke split my heart in two.
“I wish it had killed me. I wish Camille had never stopped him, then no one would have to deal with me being like this.”
Chapter 22
Tucker
I meant every word that came out of my mouth. I did wish I was dead. I did wish that the bullet had gone into my skull and freed me from this imprisonment of being disabled—yet, deep inside, I didn’t mean any of it.
What I wanted was to tell Josey that I was crazy about her and beg her to stay with me. What I wanted was for her to tell me she was here for me, and not because my parents were paying her. What I wanted was to be able to make love to the woman cradled beside me.
What I did was get a chance to hold her and feel each intake of her breath. I memorized the sensation of her every exhale and how the whisper of the air fluttered my seven-day-old beard. I absorbed the sweet smell of her shampoo as I nuzzled her hair to keep deep in my memory banks. I caressed her hand, memorizing the line of veins that ran along the back of it, as if it were a roadmap to my heart. I cherished every heartbeat I felt against the side of my chest and the fact that I had her in my arms at all.
I would hold these memories for a lifetime, and memories were all I would ever have of her. Josey deserved a man who could give her so much more, a man who could carry her over the threshold of life and chase after their babies on his own two feet. She deserved a man who could make her laugh, not bring sadness to her eyes because he was angry at the world.
I’d seen the sadness in her face, felt her sorrow and the frustration she felt because I had pulled away. I knew I was depressed, but I had so many reasons to be—but for now, I just wanted to hold her. I just wanted to pretend that right here, right now was forever. I tipped her chin toward my face, leaning down and kissing her full lips. She shifted closer to me, caressing the side of my face, slipping her hand into my hair, grazing the back of my neck with her long elegant fingers. This was all I would have of her, and it only lasted a few moments before I released her lips and laid my head against my pillow again.
“I just want to feel you breathe,” I murmured again before I focused on her body against my side and drifted back to sleep feeling safe, and loved, if only for a few moments.
When I woke, I was alone. I lay there wondering if I had dreamed it all, but the indentation in the blankets beside my body said I hadn’t.
“Josey,” I called and was surprised when my father appeared in the doorway.
“Good morning, son.”
“Dad, what are you doing here? Where’s Josey?” Panic began to build in my chest.
“Don’t worry; she went out for a run. Asked me to sit here with you until she got back.”
The panic fled and was replaced with frustration. “I don’t need a babysitter.”
He laughed, “I’m not babysitting, Tuck. You’re a grown man, and you are able to fend for yourself, I know that. She just didn’t want you to wake up and be alone.”
Whatever—I deserved to be alone.
“I have coffee in the other room, and Marge has biscuits and gravy ready for us when you want to eat.”
“Okay,” I muttered, and he left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with two large mugs of coffee and said Marge was bringing the food. I picked up the remote and turned on the morning news.
“So Josey seems to be a big help to you,” he tried to initiate conversation after he got situated in a chair beside me.
“Yeah,” I replied dryly.
“You’re lucky to have a good woman like that around to help you.”
Yeah, because you paid her. I almost said the words out loud but bit my tongue to hold them back. I didn’t want to start an argument with him.
I didn’t need to say anything because, a moment later, Marge walked in with food for us. My dad and I remained mostly quiet while eating. From time to time, we would comment on a story from the news, but otherwise, we were just two people in the same room.
The door to the suite closed and a moment later Josey bounded into the room. She was wearing a sports bra and tight shorts, and her body was coated in moisture. I felt like I hadn’t just eaten with the amount of hunger that blazed through me as I took in every toned inch of her.
“Hey, how are you this morning?” she asked as she mopped her brow with a blue towel.
“Fine.” My father gave me a sideways glance. “Did you enjoy your run?”
“Yeah, it felt great. I love running here, so much to see it made the time zip by. Back in the city, it’s people, cars, buildings, and more people; it gets boring.”
My father laughed, “Well, you kids have a good day. I promised your mother I would do something for her this morning before I left. She said she’d come by and visit with you tonight.” My dad turned to me before leaving, “Tuck, you should head down to the barn and visit with everyone. Snigger would probably love to see you.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to visit with anyone. John might have accepted that I was in a wheelchair, but that didn’t mean everyone else would, including Snigger.
My dad left, and Josey shifted from foot to foot. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
“Okay.” I didn’t even look at her when I replied. The sight of her standing there looking so damned healthy and sexy was killing me.
She sighed as she left, and I wanted to kick myself. Oh, yeah, I can’t kick anything, I reminded myself. My legs don’t work. Putz.
An hour later she waltzed back in. “We need to get you dressed.”
“Why? I don’t have anywhere to go today.”
“No, you don’t have any appointments, but that doesn’t mean you are going to sit around feeling sorry for yourself.”
“I’m not,” I snapped.
Her brow hiked, “Yes, you are, and I’m tired of it. Either you get out of that bed and get dressed, or I’m going to take you outside in your boxers.”
“Aren’t you just a ray of sunshine today?”
“Better than being a stick in the mud,” she threw over her shoulder as she left
the room.
I’ll give her a stick in the mud, I growled to myself as I threw back my covers and got out of bed. I still needed a little help getting my pants up since I couldn’t stand on my own, so when she returned, I was almost completely dressed with my pants hanging around my knees.
She grinned and helped me get my track pants up without saying a word. She appeared to be in a good mood which just made mine worse. I refused to wheel myself, and she pushed me out the door with a smile on her face.
“Where are we going?”
“Outside. I don’t care if we sit on the front porch, or if we take a walk, but we are getting you some fresh air and sunshine.”
“It’s too hot.”
“Stop whining,” she commanded with a laugh.
Josey pushed me outside and, instead of parking me on the porch, she headed toward the barn. I put my hands on the wheels to stop her. “I don’t want to go to the barn.”
“You might not want to, but you’re going.”
“No!” I shouted like a petulant child.
Josey jerked the chair to a stop and came around to the front. “You need to stop acting like a brat, Tucker. You have a life to live, and I’ll be damned if I am going to sit back and let you get all depressed and suicidal on my watch. It will be good for you to be out around other people.”
“Why, so they can feel sorry for me? No, thanks.”
I tried to turn the wheelchair around, and she grabbed a hold of it and stuck her face into mine. Her light green eyes blazed with a fire I had not seen before.
“The only person who feels sorry for you, is you. You’re in a wheelchair, Tucker, but who the fuck cares? Only you. These people are your friends and family. Even your parents have gotten over the sight of you in this chair, but it’s your turn to start getting over it. You might spend the next three months in this, or the next twenty years, but you can’t let that stop you from living.”
“I wish I were dead, then nobody would have to get used to me in this thing.”
“You say that shit again, and I’ll have you committed for a psyche hold, you got that? You do not want to die, Tucker. You never did. You’re depressed, I get it. What you need to do is get angry and fight. Fight for your life back.”
“What the hell kind of life can I have in this fucking thing?” I shouted into her face, but she didn’t flinch.
“Any kind you want. You might not be able to go back to law enforcement, but you are a smart man, Tucker Wheatcraft. There are tons of things you can do with your life that don’t include feeling sorry for yourself or causing grief to those around you.”
“I am not.”
She hiked a brow again. Why did she look so sexy when she was pissed off? “You think being sullen makes people feel good? If you do, you have a few things to learn. Everyone can read your mood, Tuck, everyone, even Marge has picked up on it.”
I looked out toward the barn and saw John watching us casually.
“Whatever, Josey, let’s just go back inside. I’m not ready for this today.”
“No. As long as I’m here, I will not allow you to hide in that bedroom of yours. You will never be ready unless you are pushed. You are going to have to learn to push yourself later, but for now, I’m the one at your back shoving you forward.” She got behind me again and started pushing me toward the barn. “And today, you are going to introduce me to Snigger.”
I didn’t reply which was just as well because she was calling out a greeting to John anyway.
“Hey, it’s great to see you guys down here. Tucker, how are you doing?” John held his hand out, and I shook it. I had no doubt that he knew exactly how I was since he’d just witnessed my temper tantrum. Josey was right; I was acting like a spoiled child.
“I’m getting along, thanks to my slave driver.” I motioned to Josey who laughed good-naturedly.
“You can call me all the bad names you want, Tuck. I don’t mind.”
“Good, hard ass.”
She glanced over her shoulder and looked down at her butt. “It is kind of hard. At least you got that name right.”
John snorted out laughter, and I almost broke a smile, almost.
“You guys want to see Snigger?” John asked, and Josey immediately said she did. “He’s in his stall.” He began to walk away and Josey pushed me to catch up. “He’s been kind of rammy the last few days, not sure what’s up with him, but he’s doing really good, otherwise.”
“Why is he not out in the paddock?” I asked as we grew closer. Snigger threw his head up and down over his stall door.
“I told you, he hasn’t been himself the last couple of days.”
Snigger calmed as we approached, and Josey stepped around me and went to him.
“Be careful, Josey. He snapped at someone earlier today,” warned John.
“Aww, this big boy isn’t going to snap at me, now are you, big fella” Josey walked right up to him and began to rub his nose. Snigger normally wasn’t a fan of women, but I hadn’t seen him in a year, so maybe that had changed.
I wheeled myself closer, and Snigger neighed and backed away from me.
“He might not like your wheelchair, Tuck,” John said.
“Or maybe he picked up on your surly attitude,” Josey tacked on.
“Come here, Snigger, come here boy, it’s okay,” I called out to him, but he threw his head up and down and whinnied. I pushed myself away from the stall door. “Whatever.”
The moment I was away, he returned to Josey, pushing his nose into her hand.
“Traitor,” I muttered and spun around to roll away.
Chapter 23
Josey
“Tucker!” I shouted at his back as he pushed himself at top speed out of the barn. “Well, damn. That didn’t go well at all.”
John put his hand on my shoulder. “You did a great job trying. He’s really having a hard time of it now, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, he’s slipping into a pretty bad depression. He knows he is, too, but that’s not stopping him. He told me last night he wished the bullet that had struck his abdomen had gone into his head.”
John winced, “That’s not like Tucker.”
“No, it’s not.” I ran my hand over Snigger’s face, “You could have been nicer to him.” The horse whinnied again and pushed at my chest. “Don’t you go pushing me around there, buddy. You should have been happy to see him.”
“I think the wheelchair spooked him. Some horses just don’t like them.”
I blew a heavy breath through my lips, “Sadly, he might have to get used to it.”
“You know,” he snapped his fingers, “I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before, but we have a couple of horses here that don’t have problems with wheelchairs. In fact, this boy Stephen has a mare boarded here; he’s paralyzed from the waist down, but he still rides her.”
“How do you ride a horse if you can’t feel your legs?”
John rushed off, and I followed him to a room where tack gear was stored. “They have special saddles that strap the legs down.”
My head popped up. “We need to get Tucker to use that.”
“I think it’s a great idea, but is he healthy enough to go up now?”
I wilted, “No, not yet, probably not until the brace comes off his left leg in a few more weeks.”
“Well, then I’ll look into getting a different saddle, and maybe I can ask Stephen to help me a little bit with Snigger. Maybe we can get him used to the wheelchair so Tucker can ride him again.”
I grabbed John’s arm, “That is a wonderful idea, John!” I popped up on my toe and kissed his weathered cheek. “Thank you.”
“In the meantime, is there anything else I can do to help him?”
“Yeah, bust his balls about sitting alone in his room and try to get him outside.”
He tipped his head and touched his cowboy hat. “That I can do, ma’am. That I can do.”
* * *
For the next week, Tucker was withdrawn and sullen
. I did everything I could think of to cheer him up, but nothing worked. Every morning I went for a run while his father sat with him. His mother would come by in the evening, but she was always upset when she left.
I knew he needed to see a therapist about it, but Tucker adamantly refused. In fact, one day we’d fought over it, and he had slammed his bedroom door and locked it. I’d managed to get it unlocked and threatened to take it off the hinges if he ever locked it again. We hadn’t talked for the rest of the day.
I was beyond lost on what to do, and it had only been two weeks. I couldn’t imagine staying another fourteen days and watching him slip deeper into despair. My heart was breaking.
I called Ember. I needed a shoulder and someone who might be able to tell me what I could do. She’d gone through some pretty horrible stuff herself when she was younger, and I hoped she could give me an idea of how to broach the subject of therapy again without him trying to take off my head.
“How are plans for the wedding going?” I asked her at the start of our conversation.
“Great, I decided to go with that off-the-shoulder dress that you loved. I finally went back and paid for it.”
“Yay, and Jasmine made her decision, too?”
“She did. I can’t believe the wedding is still five months away. I feel like it’s so far away and at the same time, I have so much to do that I’m not sure I’ll get it all done.”
I laughed, “I’ll be home soon, and I can help you with anything you need.”
“How are things going out there? How’s Tucker?”
I sighed and spent a little bit of time filling her in on his progress. Other than some tingling in his right leg, nothing much had changed.
“You care about him, don’t you? I can hear it in your voice.”
“I do, but I wish I hadn’t come out here.”
“Then leave,” a husky voice spoke from behind me, and I almost dropped the phone.
“Ember, I have to go.” I hung up the phone as I turned to Tucker.