Worth It

by Linda Kage

  “Quinn!” Asher bounded forward, finally catching sight of him. “Man, I will pay you five hundred dollars to take on the rest of this shift for me.”

  Quinn winced and shook his head. “Sorry, I can’t. I’m going back to the hospital to sit with Zoey and the baby. I only dropped in after a change of clothes to thank Knox.”

  When he motioned to me, Felicity turned her gaze my way.

  “I’ll sit with them,” Asher offered. “I’ll even sing lullabies and all that shit. Please, man.”

  Even though he was regretful, Quinn wouldn’t budge, wanting to be with his family. I didn’t blame him. If I were him, it’s where I would’ve been too.

  He thanked me again, this time for taking up the slack for all the shifts he was missing out on, and then he was gone.

  Felicity lingered at the counter, still watching me. “I heard about your heroics with Zoey. That was pretty nice of you.”

  I shrugged and grabbed a nearby rag to wipe away some beer that had spilled on the counter. I wanted to look at her more than I wanted my next breath, and yet I was too afraid to do so.

  “I didn’t have anything else going on at the time,” I finally mumbled and turned away. But I felt her still watching me.

  I hated this. I didn’t know what to do about her in my life again. I craved every little second I got to see her, but I knew I should stay away. It was torment, the two cravings rivaling and constantly churning in me, playing tug-of-war between what my heart wanted and what I knew was best.

  By the time our shift ended, I was exhausted from stealing glances at her when I knew I shouldn’t and then trying to be distant whenever she was at the bar. I couldn’t wait to escape so I could fucking breathe right again.

  Asher plopped onto a stool, set his elbows on the countertop and buried his face in his hands. “I am never singing that damn song again.”

  Ten snorted. “I don’t know what you’re so bent out of shape about. Hordes of women just tried to get their hands on your junk. Your rock star ass should be eating that shit up.”

  “I didn’t want hordes of women,” Asher muttered through his hands. “I just wanted to find the one.”

  “You mean the one with the boyfriend?”

  “Fuck you, man. She might not be with him anymore.”

  “Yeah, well... I already have the only woman who counts, so you should just suck it up and sleep with the rest of them. Maybe toss a couple Parker’s way while you’re at it, help a guy out. He probably hasn’t gotten laid since they let him out of the pen.” Glancing at me thoughtfully, Ten asked, “When was the last time you dipped your wick, bud?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him, pissed because Felicity was so close, able to hear him clearly.

  Nodding, he turned back to Asher. “Yep, he needs pussy. Bad.”

  Felicity whirled from the table she’d been wiping down. I held my breath, wondering if she’d say anything about the last time I’d been with anyone, since she knew every detail about it. But she didn’t even glance my way, which felt like a punch to the solar plexus.

  “Buck up, Asher.” She set a hand on his shoulder and gazed at him with all the sympathy in the world.

  I hated every second her fingers lingered.

  “There’s still hope you’ll find her. It’s only been one night since you sang that song.”

  When he mumbled a non-response, she dropped her hand from him, and I could finally breathe again. Then she went and bumped her shoulder against his with an encouraging grin. “Hey. What did the mute say to the midget?”

  After asking the question, her gaze sought mine.

  I glowered, my jaw hard and hands fisting at my sides. But...what the hell?

  How dare she? How fucking dare she?

  “Huh?” Asher glanced up with a confused frown.

  I couldn’t stand here and watch this. Shoving my way from behind the bar, I stormed down the hall to the break room. Once inside with the door shut, I grabbed the coffee table and shoved it over, flipping it upside down and making all the magazines on top fly. I relished the chaos along with the crack and shatter of breaking wood when it landed. Except the hurricane of emotions started again as everything settled onto the floor. So I kicked the couch. Then I whirled to punch the wall.

  When the door came open, I spun around, ready to unload on whoever dared to interrupt me. But seeing her made me jerk to a halt, instantly contrite and ashamed as she took in the mess I’d made.

  “Well. I guess now I know how to get a reaction out of you.” Her words were steady and conversational as she stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.

  “What’re you doing back here?” I hated the break in my voice. Every time I spoke, it reminded me of how I’d gotten it, and the helpless rage inside me only grew.

  “I came to see why you left when I told Asher a joke.”

  I snorted and had to look away before I said something I’d regret.

  “Huh, Knox? Did you think that was something exclusive between us, that after you were gone, I’d just stop doing it when I was nervous or distressed or wanted to cheer someone up?”

  Agony claimed my chest, clamping around it until I could barely breathe. But damn it, maybe I had thought she’d reserved her jokes for me alone. It had been our thing. How the hell could she do it with another man, right fucking in front of me?

  “Did you have to tell him that joke?” I growled, unable to stop myself.

  She released a calm breath. “Yes.” When I slashed a scowl her way, she lifted her chin defiantly. “I had to know how you’d react. If you even remembered.”

  Something inside me eased. The anger and jealousy died instantly. Knowing she’d done it because of me thrilled me as much as it killed me...killed me because she really needed to stop caring about my reactions.

  “Of course I remember,” I snarled, upset and hurting and hating all of this. “I spent six years behind bars because of that summer. I didn’t forget a damn thing.”

  She hugged herself, looking suddenly small. The pain in her eyes made me glance away.

  “I thought you said you didn’t blame me,” she whispered.

  I closed my eyes. “I don’t.”

  “Then why are you acting this way? Refusing to even talk to me, ignoring me, being so cold?”

  God, this was bad. It hurt so much to hear the pain in her voice. I really fucking hated doing this.

  “Because I have to,” I bit back, opening my eyes to glare.

  When she glared back, looking as pissed and frustrated as I felt, I went on. “Everything that happened between us happened a long fucking time ago. It’s all in the past and should stay in the past. Things changed since then. I changed. I’m not that eighteen-year-old kid you once knew. I’m a complete stranger to you. So I don’t see the point in reliving old times and accomplishing nothing but stirring up a bunch of heartache. You moved on.”

  She opened her mouth to argue, but I held up a hand.

  “And that’s what you were supposed to do, but you need to keep moving...away from me.”

  Defeat crossed her face and her shoulders dragged. But she shook her head. “Why?”

  “Because I’m no fucking good for you. Why do you think? I’m an ex-con. I went to jail for rape.”

  “But you didn’t—”

  “It’s what’s on my record. I’m considered a sexual predator, whether I like it not, whether I forced you or not. And let’s not forget the murder part. I killed two people.” When she winced, I went on, pushing harder. “With my bare hands. There’s no technicality about that. I killed them. And it changed me. No matter what either of us want, I’m never going to be that innocent boy you fell in love with.” Shaking my head, I thumped my hands against my chest. “There’s nothing here for you any longer, City.”

  She sniffed and wiped at her face as her eyes filled with tears. “See, I listen to everything you say, but all I heard was you calling me City. I didn’t think I’d ever hear you call me that again. And yet
, here you stand, and I...I just can’t believe you’re really here. It’s really you, yet you keep pushing me away.”

  “Christ,” I muttered, wiping my face. I glanced away, unable to watch the tears glistening from her cheeks. I wouldn’t be able to watch much more of this. She was shredding my willpower. “Don’t do this.”

  Her shoulders shuddered and her throat shifted as she swallowed. “But I don’t know if I can stop.” Her voice was soft, raspy. Tormented.

  I had to shut this shit down—now—before she broke me. “Then you’d better get a fucking clue,” I snapped. “My entire family is dead or gone to who knows where. I had to get my high school diploma in prison. I’m starting over with nothing but a goddamn criminal record under my belt. I don’t have a need or desire to reminisce about the old times. Getting tangled up with you once ruined me; I’m not going there again. I just want to put it all behind me and get on with living the rest of my life. Okay?”

  She stared at me, her eyes swimming in tears. I had to be the biggest bastard ever. The urge to yank her into my arms suffocated me. I couldn’t breathe past the yearning to hold her and apologize.

  Why did I still have to feel that all-consuming need to protect and soothe her?

  I drew in a tight breath. When I exhaled, I knew I was going to reach for her and apologize. But she nodded.

  “I know you said you’ve changed, and you’re not the same Knox. I can see that for myself. Quite clearly. But there still has to be something in your heart. I know what’s deep inside you. I don’t think a person’s core—their true nature—can change this much.”

  Damn it, we’d gotten way too close all those years ago. Even though I knew I’d never be able to lie to her, I still tried. “Well, I disagree.”

  “My heart hasn’t changed.” Her voice broke, and more tears collected in her eyelashes. “I grew up and tried to move on, but right here...” She pummeled her chest with her fist. “This is still the same, and since the moment you ran into me in the woods...it has beaten for you.”

  Fuuuuuck. I fisted my hands and stared up at the ceiling, vibrating with the need to reach for her.

  I needed to tune her out, resist, but she kept talking, and I just kept soaking it in.

  “I can’t live like this anymore, Knox. These last six years have been hell. Because being without you is like an open wound that bleeds and festers every day. It hurts and it’s miserable, and now you’re right here, yet you keep pushing me away.” She set her hands on my chest and pushed me. “You can’t hate me that much if you can react the way you did when I told Asher that joke?”

  I blew out a breath, wanting out of this conversation almost as much as I wanted to crawl out of my own skin and just be...someone else. “I didn’t say I ever hated you.”

  “So you love me?” Her voice was soft as she stepped closer.

  Dropping my gaze to her, I could do nothing but stare into her penetrating eyes. Panic filled my chest. But I kept facing her directly, afraid to show just how much this slip of a woman intimidated me.

  She moved even closer. “All you have to do is say you don’t love me anymore, and I’ll turn around right now, and walk out. I’ll never bother you again.”

  This was my chance. My golden opportunity to save her from me. And I couldn’t take it.

  Gritting my teeth, I clutched my head in my hands and felt my face go red as I bit out, “God...damn you.”

  Her lips fluttered up with accomplishment. “I love you, too,” she said simply. “After all this, I still love you.”

  Something powerful and painful jarred through my system. I drew in a sharp breath.

  City kept watching me, her eyes steady and challenging. “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I’ve tried. Believe me, I tried so hard to get over you. I tried to move on...with different guys. But all I ever thought about was you.”

  “Don’t,” I warned, my voice soft.

  She merely sniffed, crying silently. “Don’t what? Tell you the truth? Tell you I don’t even remember how many there’ve been, how none of them could ever make me forget you.”

  “Stop it.” I backed her against the wall, using my size to intimidate her, scare her into silence. Because hearing about her with other guys chipped away at my soul.

  But she only looked up at me through all her tears. “I let them into my body, and then I let them do whatever they wanted to me, and none of it mattered because all I ever wanted was—”

  “Damn it!” I roared and slapped the wall by her head, making her flinch. “I said stop.”

  I don’t think she could stop, though. She’d already abandoned her pride. She was baring her soul, and her tears seemed to drag each word from deep within her. “No one ever kissed me like you did. No one ever touched me like you did. No one—”

  With a choked sound of defeat, I crushed my mouth to hers. I had to shut her up. Her words were slaying me. Her tears were like poison. I died a hundred deaths from each aching confession. And I needed her to stop before I ceased to exist.

  It wasn’t until she clutched my face and ran her fingers up to my head, pulling hard at my scalp, that I realized I’d just kissed her.

  Then it all hit me at once. Her smell, the taste of her lips, the warm soft texture of her cheeks under my palms. I groaned and pressed deeper into her softness, letting it consume me.

  “City,” I gasped, arching her face back further so I could devour her. This was the end of a six-year famine, and I was starving.

  She whimpered, grasping back at me just as frantically. Her fingers couldn’t seem to stay still, racing over my body, over my scalp, back down my shoulders, clutching my ass and pulling me tight in between her thighs.

  “Yes,” she moaned, soaking me in.

  God, I’d missed the humping, missed how she loved to grind against me as her mouth moved under mine.

  Her blue jean skirt bunched up to her waist as she lifted her legs to wrap them around my waist. My fingers couldn’t resist the invitation and curled around her exposed thighs before slipping up and finding her panties. When my thumb brushed over the damp spot, we both groaned. Breaking the kiss to press my forehead to hers, I shoved the cloth aside and found her clit, messaging it without mercy.

  “Knox,” she keened out, clutching my shoulder and riding my hand.

  “It’s been too long,” I bit out, so intent on her pleasure I couldn’t focus on anything else. “...since I’ve seen you come.”

  She panted and writhed, telling me how close she was. “Knox,” she gasped again, her voice high. It was starting; her fingernails dug through the cloth of my shirt into me, her eyes began to roll, and her mouth opened just as someone yelped, “Oh, shit. Sorry.”

  I whirled around, ripping my finger out of her and pressing my back into her to protect her from view, but Ten had already averted his face and was reversing from the break room.

  “My bad,” he apologized, only to pause and hold up a finger. “But for the record, I totally did not see you two happening. I mean, what the fuck? When did—”

  “Get out,” I growled, and he was gone.

  As soon at the door shut, I shot away from Felicity, moving to the opposite side of the room. Shaking like crazy and on the edge of my own control, I wiped a hand over my face, only to smell her on my fingers. Big mistake. I almost came in my damn pants.

  I risked a glance her way to find her smoothing down her skirt and trying to regain her settled breaths.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  She smiled at me, one of her warm, lovely City smiles. “Sure.” Then she shrugged and blushed, chagrined. “I mean, other than being totally embarrassed that Ten saw us and rocking all this sexual frustration, yeah, I’m great.” She moved toward me as if she was going to hug me.

  I held up a hand, jerking my head back and forth. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

  Slowing to a stop, she frowned, her smile dying. “What?”

  I looked away because I hated her disappointment. �
��I told you, Felicity, we can’t ever be together again. And I fucking meant it.”

  I hurried from the room before she could respond, even though she looked too hurt to do so. Then I blew past both Ten and Asher, along with the other waitresses who’d worked tonight, and I escaped.

  Once outside, I found the same shadowed place where I’d hidden the night Felicity had first tried to find me, and I pressed my back to the wall, aching with regret.

  But she’d get over it, I told myself. Breaking her heart and pushing her away so she could go on to live a happy life with all her Forbidden friends was better than letting her get caught up with me, when I’d no doubt self-destruct one day and take her down with me.

  She was safer this way.

  “I want you tonight,” I repeated. “I want to go all the way with you.”

  Knox stared at me, dazed, for a full five seconds before he muttered, “Jesus, City. You know I want you too. It’s all I can think about. But I wasn’t expecting this tonight. I...I’m not ready.”

  I blinked, not at all expecting him to say that. I tried to pull away, feeling slutty and gross. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push. If you’re not ready, I—”

  He caught my arms, keeping me close, and laughed.

  “No, baby. You misunderstood. I’m not ready as in...I didn’t bring anything.” When I only blinked at him, confused, he lifted an eyebrow and added, “A condom.”

  “Oh.” I flushed hard, feeling stupid and immature for not even thinking about that. “Sorry, I didn’t even think.”

  “It’s okay,” he reassured me, pulling me in close for a hug before kissing my hair. “I have an idea, though, of something we could do instead of going all the way.” He met my eyes to send me a look that made me feel warm...all over. “But it involves third base. You interested?”

  My sex clenched hard, and I brightened immediately, exhaling my joy and relief. “Yes. I’m definitely interested.”

  He slid his finger over my breast and then down, down toward my navel. “And you have to get all the way naked.”

  I made a sound in the back of my throat, not sure if it was from nerves or excitement. But I bobbed my head, accepting those terms. “Not here, though.” Not this close to my family. “If you get caught here again, you’ll definitely go to jail.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to be worried about that the entire time.”