Juan of the Dead

by Jacalyn Boggs

  So, what, she's used to people like me going all homicidal for brains on people? I got news for her, shuffling was distasteful and drooling was simply out of the question. No way was anyone going to call me a zombie, anyway. Living challenged I'd take. Zombie, well, I may have to rethink the murder thing.

  “You are reanimated. That is what Reanimated Ones do. Your purpose is to murder. Your food is brains.”

  “Okay, so I guess you haven't gotten it through your brain. Makes me think that even if I was in the mood, your brains might not give me enough vitamins and minerals.” How's that for slick. I called her stupid and said her brain wouldn't be nutritious enough all at the same time. Now that's what I call style. “I really am no different from you. I just happen to have died a couple of days ago.”

  “You haven't noticed anything unusual about yourself since then? I highly doubt that. Besides I heard your conversation with Señor Juan.” Her tone turned frostier. I rubbed my arms from the psychosomatic cold I felt.

  “Sure. I don't seem tired, hungry, or any of that. I think we may have mentioned the whole eating thing already. Really, it seems like a win-win situation to me.”

  “It will come. But we're going to take care of that, so I suppose you won't see,” she shrugged.

  She was real adamant. She just would not leave it alone, would she? Give her an A in Beating A Dead Horse 101.

  “What if I give you my word. No dining on yummy human brains?” I made a face to show her just how non-yummy I thought that might be.

  “The Reanimated Ones cannot be trusted. The hunger consumes,” Leahonia insisted.

  “Maybe I'm different. I hear there's some prophecy or something. Maybe I don't need to lurch around the countryside feasting on the brains of those I murder.” See, I know stuff, too.

  “I see our mutual... friends... have told you much. They should have left well enough alone.” The dramatic pauses were obnoxious. Could she be more over the top?

  “So, you say. Do you know how hard it is to get information flowing through so many translations? I hate foreign countries. All I know is they said they wanted me to just be cool and hang out with them. You, they claim, want to end my life. Now that's just not nice and definitely puts a cramp in my style. I like the hanging out idea more.”

  “Yes, I suppose that their language barrier would be a problem. They didn't see the wisdom in meshing more with the global world. Their loss.”

  Oh, goodie. Looks like we had some sort of high school rivalry going on. What next? Can her dad beat up their dad?

  She continued, “This is not your world anymore. Your very presence defies the laws of nature.”

  “I'm kind of liking the not dead thing. Really, is it so fair for me to die? Why me? I didn't ask for all of this. I was minding my own business.”

  "That is hardly my concern. I didn't make the rules."

  "You expect me to believe you are what? Just a do-gooder? You going to go all 'I am the law' on me? I didn't break any laws that I know about. I'm just the victim of unfortunate circumstances."

  "You can't play the victim forever. You make your own decisions, Bea."

  "Maybe the universe decided it wasn't done with me after all. Did you ever think about that? What if the Universe made a big fat oops in knocking me off and now it wants to rectify things?"

  "I don't think that's the way it works, Bea. You should have moved on. Death is a steppingstone in your progression."

  "Move on to what, though? You forget. I've died. There wasn't anything. One minute I was standing in a tourist trap shop looking at the various blah-de-blah souvenir stuff. Then there's a whole lot of earth shaking going on. Next thing I know, there I am waking up on a stone slab inside Temple Creepville. Jon's there saying I'd met my end. Well, I may have met my end, but there sure was no maker hanging around to shake my hand. So, you tell me, exactly what 'continue' do you have in mind for me if there's nothing but a vast black nothing?"

  She was unwavering. "It is all a part of you being here unnaturally. You obviously didn't have enough time to make the move from this life to the next, so you didn't advance your soul."

  This was her plan? I should die so I could what? Go up the enlightenment chain? How very Buddhist. Was that Buddhist? I didn't know or particularly care.

  "I'm all about advancing. But, seems to me that maybe I need to do some more advancing in this form. I wasn't a bad person before I died. I gave to charity. I paid my taxes. I minded my own business and kept my nose clean. But I could do better."

  Okay, so I kept my nose fairly clean. There was nothing wrong with having fun in life as long as you didn't break any laws.

  "It doesn't matter how much of a saint you were in life, Bea. Things are different now. Stop hanging on."

  "Is that what you think this is? I'm hanging on?" Like life was a shirt from high school you just can't think of throwing away no matter how wash worn and threadbare it is? I don't think so. Life is... well it is life. How does one hang on to life, exactly?

  "Yes, I do. You say you want to go back to your home. Return to your life. It's no longer your home anymore. It's no longer your life. After you die, you have no claim on anything here anymore. Let it free you. You can move on from all the troubles and pains of this life."

  "Seems to me like even if I do move on to the next stage of whatever, wouldn't there be troubles and pains there? I vote for the troubles and pains I know, thank you very much. I know what life is like here. Really, I don't find it that bad. Except for right now because I have a great big huge pain in the..."

  "Now that's just really impolite, Bea. Every major world religion believes in a rewarding afterlife for the good. If you were as good as you say, you should be getting that eternal reward."

  It's funny how much your beliefs get called into question after something major like dying happens. She was right, but I just wasn't buying the product anymore.

  "What if there's no eternal reward? What if this is it? I always figured there'd be something on the other side, Leahonia. I did. I don't know that I expected clouds and harps and halos. Or St Peter and some pearly gates. I didn't know what to expect to see. It wasn't emptiness though. That was the biggest disappointment in my life. Learning there was no Santa Claus was less traumatic."

  "There is an eternal reward. Maybe you weren't good enough to earn it."

  "Then let me try to do better. I can go save kittens, feed the homeless, and do more good deeds. If I had remained dead, I'd have no chance to improve myself."

  "I don't believe it works that way," she said, shaking her head. I didn't think she'd change that belief no matter how long we talked in circles. I needed a new plan, but this was the kind of thinking on my feet I'd never been good at. Circles it was!

  "Maybe it does. How do you know? Do you have insider information that I don't know about? Did the Big Guy Upstairs tell you something he's not letting me in on? Share with the class, maybe I'll change my mind."

  It was a chance, and a big one. But really? How likely was it that any god would come down and tell her all sorts of inside god-secrets? 'Oh here, let me tell you how the universe works with a surety.' Not very probably, so chance taken.

  "No, that hasn't happened. But how can you not believe the words of our ancestors. Of those that did receive enlightenment?"

  "Really, did your ancestors experience that? Are you descended from Moses? Noah? Whomever?" So, that would be kind of cool. But did it really make her any more correct? I didn't think so.

  "Well, it all depends on what you think. If Noah's story was true, aren't we all descended from him?'

  Dear me, it was philosophy time. I could not believe my ears. She said I was all unnatural and breaking the laws of all that she held dear, yet she wanted to take the time to debate philosophy? Good grief.

  But, as long as she was doing that, I was staying in the very much not chopped up state I pretty much liked more than anything on this planet. Yeah, I liked being intact even more than my MIA Coach hand
bag. Imagine that one.

  "I dunno. I really don't know how that all works. It's outta my league. I only went to Sunday School, I didn't go study this stuff or anything." I didn't even go to Sunday School regularly. We weren't a particularly faithful family. We were more holidays, major events, and whenever-we-actually-remembered sort of worshipers.

  "Maybe you should have taken more time to learn your own beliefs. Look at the punishment you have been doled out!" she said, holding her arms out toward me.

  "You see this as punishment? I'm alive! I was dead! How is this a punishment? I stand by my second chance reward idea. If you see living as a punishment, that's very sad. And you need help before you try to do something drastic. Like hurt yourself or someone else."

  She seriously was beginning to sound like someone in desperate need of the suicide hot line. Life was not a punishment; it was a gift. She wanted me to move on so much, what did that say about her?

  "I don't see life as a punishment. But you are not alive."

  And back we came. Her reminding me I was very much not alive no matter how much I could walk and talk. Pretty callous if you ask me. It was like telling the person with the humped back they had a giant hump sitting back there, as if they didn't even know? If I ever saw Leahonia's mother again, I wanted to ask why she didn't teach Leahonia better manners. What happened to the whole 'if you can't say something nice' rule?

  "But I'm here. And this is some semblance of life. Maybe you need to become more enlightened. I think, therefore I am. So, there was a bit of a hiccup in my life plan. Who made you God and judge over all?"

  She bristled. She stood a little straighter and her face turned hard. "I've never put out there that I was God. How dare you make such accusations!"

  "Well, you want to run around determining what is and isn't alive. Making calls that are so far out of your jurisdiction as to be in another time zone. I don't see the accusation as falling too far from the tree."

  "That is the most ridiculous thing I've heard. I think our discussion is almost over." She slit her eyes at me.

  "Wait, are you kidding me? You are going to end this just because you don't like the way it is going? And people think I'm spoiled. Geez. I've got nothing on you. If this is the way you treat me, I'd hate to see what you do to friends. Friends sometimes disagree, too. Do you knock them off as well? Or is that just saved for me?"

  She was flustered now. You could see it in the way she fumed. Through clenched teeth she said, "I would never kill someone. You don't know me."

  She was right, I didn't know her. Yesterday I would have liked the chance to get to know her. Today I wasn't so sure. This took 'frenemy' to a whole new level.

  "I'll give you that. I don't know you. You don't know me, either. How can you judge me?"

  "Because you are a monster. You are unnatural. I've already told you that!" she barked back. Was she getting frustrated? I know I was.

  "Monster? There's no need for name calling. I'm just a victim of bad luck. Maybe my luck is changing. Why can't you give me the benefit of the doubt? It's all I've been asking for."

  "Because you need to die. You need to go back to the way you were," Leahonia insisted. More circles.

  "But you welcomed me into your home. Did I do anything so bad there? If I'm the monster you say I am, why would you do that? If I'm so bad, wouldn't I have done whatever you are afraid of last night while you slept?"

  For someone claiming I needed to go back to being deceased in the classical sense, she wasn't really moving things along. It seemed to me like she was trying to justify her own actions to make herself feel better.

  "You are right. I did welcome you into my home. I needed to prove you were what you are, and to keep an eye on you. I was right. So now I need to do what it is I am supposed to do."

  "Kill me? I don't think you want to. Why do you think that is, Leahonia?"

  "You are mistaken. I want to put things right and return order to the universe."

  What a noble cause. Who could fault her? Oh yeah, me.

  “You could have easily done it last night. On the way to the festival. At your mother's house. When your goons kidnapped me. What's really happening? We're sitting here having a little chat. I ask you again, why do you think that is?”

  “I just want you to understand that it isn't personal.”

  “You say you want to kill me. You can't get much more personal than that.”

  “It's only because of what you are. If you were alive, then I'd happily leave you

  alone. But you aren't.”

  Something dinged in my head. I felt like the proverbial light bulb just flipped on over top of me. “Semantics. I say I am alive. I have a heartbeat. We checked.”

  That made her pause. She looked at me without blinking before asking, “A heartbeat?”

  “Yup. And since I'm not hooked up to machines or anything, I'd say that makes me alive. I'm talking. I have a heartbeat. These are usual things that one checks to determine if a person is living or dead right?”

  It was dicey chance and I left her to balance the scales. I had died and I should be worm food. Yet, I was most obviously not. She turned to her goons. I guessed my sitting here without trying to escape wasn't good enough. Leanhonia pointed, “You two, hold her down.”

  Two broke away and came and grabbed me, each grasping an arm. I sure hoped they weren't going to treat me like the Thanksgiving wishbone. That would be most unpleasant as they were beefy enough to succeed in ripping me apart. Gruesome thought.

  “What are you doing?” I tried to struggle, but their grip was sure. Leahonia grabbed my wrist. I guess she was better at taking a pulse than I was. She concentrated and I could see when she felt the first beat. And the second. Her eyes grew large and her mouth formed an 'o'. Take that!

  “You do have a pulse.” Her voice was soft, and she backed away. Her goons didn't let go of me and I couldn't see their expressions. I didn't try to look at anyone else, choosing to keep my gaze leveled on her. I forced myself to blink like a normal living person, even though I didn't need to. Anything to help her see that there was nothing out of the ordinary with me.

  Yes, that's me. Living girl, not dead. Living. Yes, you want to believe it... living. "You really shouldn't jump to conclusions about people." I lowered my gaze away from hers. Could you blame me for trying to play her? If she thought I was being demure or humble or whatever, I might stand a chance at saving myself from becoming Bea Nuggets.

  "I...I...I...I..." She was stammering now, and I knew the last thing expected was a pulse from yours truly.

  What else would surprise her? Would the goons follow her if she swayed to my side? They seemed to be perfectly happy letting her run the show right now, but she obviously had some serious indoctrination to work through. It's how these cult types were.

  I gave her a few minutes to stammer while trying to put her thoughts together. I still had to mentally slap myself in order to remember all of this was real and not some sort of crazy nightmare or a weird movie on late night TV. There's no way I could expect less of her. Things were pretty bad when you had a hard time accepting the bizarre world that was your own life.

  Once she quieted down, she began to pace in front of me. Her goons stared straight ahead like good little soldiers. She'd taught them well. They could keep their cool. She, however, was another case all together. She slowed her pacing until she was once more in front of me. With a finger to her mouth she turned towards me.

  "How is that possible?" One simple question. One very complicated answer that I didn't even know.

  "You think I know?" I laughed. "This is your world, not mine. In my world people who die, they really do stay dead. I've been clueless since I woke up after that earthquake. Best I can say is this is me. Jon and I were hoping to get some answers when we came for the Day of the Dead celebration. Maybe it's just like, some sort of crazy fancy CPR."

  "How can you not know? How can..."

  "How can I not know? Are you kidding me? I'
m just a tenant in this body. Along for the wild ride. All I know is that I'm here. I'm, for lack of a better word, alive. My pulse is still active, but way the heck slow. Some other various things. Unless you have a copy of 'Undead for Dummies' then you're barking up the wrong tree if you want information"

  "How can you know so little?"

  Is she kidding me? "Do I really look like I'm from around here, Leahonia? Again, I was just an innocent bystander. It's not like I put out an ad asking for this. 'Desperately seeking nerd boy hottie to raise me from the dead.' It just happened."

  She began to rant. "Juan should have done more research before running off without thinking. He has a scientific mind, so I can't believe he'd do something like this."

  I couldn't believe she was blaming him! Like he'd planned the whole thing, himself? It was all just an accident! I couldn't help myself, I needed to defend poor Juan, er Jon. Even if I had similar thoughts after waking up undead.

  "Hey now, Jon's great. He may not have put a lot of forethought into all of this nonsense, but I think he sees more than people realize. I don't think that he's ever been anything but a genius.”

  Oh no. I sounded like a twelve-year-old with a crush. Now I would admit, there was obviously some chemistry there. Some sort of biological attraction. But come on. This was just disturbed.

  Yet, I couldn't stop. My mouth kept moving, the words kept coming. It was official. I was gushing.

  “I believe him when he says he didn't even think about it. He's a good guy that likes to help people. You can't get more needing medical attention than crushed in a building by an earthquake. So, you know what? You can take what you think you know about Jon and stuff it."

  Defensive much? Get over it. Not like he could hear me anyway. So, he'd never know. How obnoxious for a guy to know you were off gushing over him like a preteen loser.

  “He should not mess with things that were outside his realm of knowledge. It's reckless," Leahonia said.

  His actions were reckless, but since they worked well for me, I could look the other way. I might agree, but she wasn't going to know that.