by Brian Solis
With your false trappings of success offloaded, you're now free to begin redefining what success means to you.
As I worked on that, by good fortune, I came across a commencement speech by the actor Matthew McConaughey.3 By any measure, he is one of the most successful actors of his generation. What he had to say about success resonated deeply with me, and it resonates with the theme of this chapter.
He presented a challenge to the graduating students:
The question that we've got to ask ourselves is, what success is to us and what success is to you.
Is it more money?
Maybe it's a healthy family.
Maybe it's a happy marriage.
Maybe it's to help others.
Maybe it's to be famous.
. . . to be spiritually sound?
. . . to leave the world a little bit of a better place than you found it.
Continue to ask yourself that question. Your answer may change over time and that's fine. But, do yourself this favor. Whatever your answer is, don't choose anything that will jeopardize your soul. Prioritize who you are and who you want to be, and don't spend time with anything that antagonizes your character.
Be brave. Take the hill. But first, answer that question, what's my hill?
. . .
Be discerning. Choose it because you want it. Choose it because you want to. We're going to make mistakes. You've got to own them. Then you've got to make amends. And then you've got to move on.
You are the author of the book of your life.
We're all on this planet for an undefined amount of time (at least that I know of). While you're here, you can live life according to the standards, expectations, and beliefs of others. You can live mindlessly as you follow worn scripts for success and react to life. Or you can define your own standards of success.
You can live mindlessly as you follow worn scripts for success and react to life. Or you can define your own standards of success.
Let go of the milestones set out for you by earlier generations.
Their life's pursuit, their materialistic possessions, their life status . . . is . . . theirs . . . not yours.
Get comfortable with wanting something different.
You and only you can live your truth (although others will try).
The way to do that with authenticity is to gain clarity about your life's purpose, for this stage of your journey.
Finding life purpose is a profoundly personal, mindful, and soulful process. It requires answering the question, What can I do with my time that is mindful, important, and meaningful, to give the gift of creativity, love, knowledge, peace, and joy to others and myself?
In the chapters ahead, I will lead you through the powerful set of methods I used to answer that question.
Notes
1https://www.gatesofpower.com/single-post/2018/02/15/How-“Hustle”-Culture-is-Ruining-Your-Health
2https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/437734-letting-go-gives-us-freedom-and-freedom-is-the-only
3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmCTQ_mkzHU
Chapter 11
Purpose
The Purpose of Life Is Purposeful Living
“Nothing we ever imagined is beyond our powers, only beyond our present self-knowledge.”
– Theodore Roszak
I believe you can find the person in you who can inspire you to pursue the goals that are most meaningful to you, no matter what others may think of them, or how far away they may seem.
It is time you believe this about you, too.
We can always find lots of reasons, and other people, to blame for why we're where we are in life versus where we want to be.
Do not allow excuse-making to hold you back any longer.
Your dreams are too precious to give anyone or anything the power to keep you from them, including you.
Your dreams are too precious to give anyone or anything the power to keep you from them, including you.
Stop doubting. Stop thinking about all the reasons why not. Break the cycle.
From here on out, it's on you to make change happen.
Harder than making change is recognizing and accepting our need for it. Doing so requires us to acknowledge that so much of what we've been doing has gotten us off course. Deep down, we know that there are ways in which we have not been helping ourselves, or have even been shooting ourselves in the foot. But we silence that voice of awareness. We convince ourselves that we've been making investments in getting to where we want to go, and that the lessons we've learned, the pain we've endured, the milestones of highs and lows we've experienced have been in the service of self-betterment and personal growth. But without aim and objectives, without intention, those investments, life experiences, and pivotal moments may not steer us in the most meaningful direction. “If you don't know where you are going, then any road will get you there,” wrote Lewis Carroll,1 author of Alice's Adventure in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass.
“If you don't know where you are going, then any road will get you there,”
A wonderful article2 on life purpose by Hélène Tragos Stelian described how so many of us meander through life versus taking intentional acts toward specific outcomes. She wrote, “I have lived most of my life ‘mindlessly,' that is, without clear thought behind my actions and decisions. I chose the college I did because that's where my older brother was going, joined a sorority because that's what ‘everybody' was doing, majored in History because it had few credit requirements, pursued a career in retailing for lack of any other interests, married my first husband because I was afraid of being alone—you get the picture.”
Stelian then shared that she'd had a life-changing realization when she turned 50. “I finally had a wake-up call that, with several decades of empty-nesting ahead of me, it wasn't too late: I could still craft a more ‘conscious' life for myself.” That's when she decided to choose what her future should look like and then live life in that direction. She combined her interests in human connection, psychology, research, writing, and teaching, along with her dedication to performance and results, and identified her strengths, passions, and values to craft a mission statement for her life.
My personal mission is to use my talent for researching and synthesizing ideas, along with my passion for informing others, to challenge, empower, and inspire people to purposeful and transformative action.
Now, as an executive leadership consultant, her mission statement serves as her guiding star. Because she has articulated it, it provides her with clear direction whenever she comes to a decision point in her life. She wakes up every day knowing why she's on this planet and what she's meant to do, excited for the journey ahead.
Take a moment. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be ready to reflect on it. You don't need to answer it fully yet; you're probably not ready to respond. That's just fine. Just let it roll around in your mind as you keep reading.
What is the reason you live?
I had thought I knew the answer to that question. But as I dove into the work for this book, I realized I just had semblances of purpose in my life mixed in with realities of responsibility. I was confusing the two as I tried to function as best I could. That was in part because I'd never really been asked to articulate what my purpose in life was, or what I wanted it to be. I'd been told lots of things about what it was—to be a good student, to make a good salary, to be a good parent. But I had not been encouraged to delve deeply into my personal values and aspirations to find my purpose. In fact, I'd been led to think that purpose is out there and will come to us.
Don't Chase Purpose Out There; Look Within to Appreciate Who You Are and Discover Who You Are Not
I don't know about you, but I was told by my parents, and learned from books, movies, and TV shows, that to find a sense of purpose we have to venture out in the world and search for it. That notion has appeal because it suggests life is an adventure in which we'll eventually discover what we're
meant to be doing, often entirely by chance. It doesn't require us to do the work of grappling with setting our own course; it suggests we'll find our way to a life rich in purpose by following the basic recipe of success and a flash of serendipity.
That can certainly happen, but let me ask you, how long do you want to wait for that lightening to strike?
How long do you want to wait for that lightening to strike?
Did you know that the average life expectancy for Americans is 78.7 years?3 That means living to witness 28,725 sunrises or sunsets (whichever motivates you more). Multiply your age by 365 and subtract that number from 28,725. That's how many (estimated, of course) sunsets or sunrises you have in the time gifted to you to make an impact, to do something with your life that you love, to become the person you aspire to be.
This is one of those humbling and maybe even upsetting thought exercises. Yet, it's so helpful in sparking motivation to get going with the things you really want your days to be about. Do you want to be one of those people who on their deathbed are regretting all of the could have, should have, would have, wish I hads they didn't do?
Alright. Alright. Alright. Take Charge of Defining Your Own Sense of Purpose
In the 1993 coming of age film Dazed and Confused, the one that launched Matthew McConaughey's career, his character, David Wooderson, uttered this line that would become his catchphrase and part of the modern vernacular, “Alright. Alright. Alright.” Those now iconic words, his first lines ever on film, were completely unscripted.
The origin story of “Alright. Alright. Alright.” is pretty cool. McConaughey shared what happened behind the scenes, before shooting that now famous scene, in a 2011 interview.4
“So we go up to the set. I get in the car ‘cause I'm nervous. First scene ever on film. And right before we're about to shoot I've got friends in the car and I had been listening to this live Doors album and in between two of the songs Morrison goes, ‘Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright!'
'Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright!'”
“So right before we're about to go, I go, ‘What is Wooderson about? He's about four things: He's about his car, he's about gettin' high, he's about rock ‘n' roll and pickin' up chicks.' I go, ‘I'm in my car, I'm high as a kite, I'm listenin' to rock ‘n' roll …'
Action … and there's the chick. ‘Alright, alright, alright …' three out of four!”
McConaughey wasn't just following the movie's script and taking direction. Right from his very first scene in his first movie he was applying his creativity to being self-directed. He was not only shaping that fictional character, he was shaping his own future, from the very beginning working to give the kind of inspired and distinctive performance that has made his acting so captivating. That creative approach led to his Best Actor win at the 86th Academy Awards for his performance in Dallas Buyers Club. And he didn't rest his laurels following that win. He's continued to craft mesmerizing performances, such as in Christopher Nolan's Interstellar and Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street.
He's not only talented; he's focused and driven by a purpose to achieve true artistry.
Right here, right now, choose to define and pursue a life of purpose according to your values.
Discovering the Purpose of Purpose
According to the Oxford Dictionary, purpose is the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. That's probably the sense of the word most of us begin with, but a life purpose is so much more. Purpose is not just the rationale for doing or creating something; it is the lifeforce that keeps you energized and motivated. It fosters physical, mental, and spiritual strength. Purpose is what separates mediocrity from greatness. It gets you out of bed each day with the fire and determination to create something incredible or perform some amazing feat showcasing your brilliant mind and bright soul. It's mindful and deeply personal, and it must be articulated.
According to Steve Taylor, PhD, senior lecturer in psychology at Leeds Metropolitan University in the UK, and author of The Leap: The Psychology of Spiritual Awakening, says “Purpose is a fundamental component of a fulfilling life.”5
It's easy to get lost, especially against waves of incredible distraction. We can feel stuck. We can drift away from our centers of reference and goals and wonder, What's the point of it all? Purpose, though, offers orientation.6
It's easy to get lost, especially against waves of incredible distraction. We can feel stuck. We can drift away from our centers of reference and goals and wonder, What's the point of it all? Purpose, though, offers orientation.
Why does purpose have such positive effects?7 For one thing, research has shown that a clear sense of purpose makes us less vulnerable to what Taylor calls “psychological discord.” This is the sense of unease we experience whenever our attention isn't engaged. It makes us susceptible to distraction, which we've seen fosters negative and unproductive feelings and behaviors. It can also manifest into anxiety and depression. Clarity of purpose helps us focus our mental energy on positive and productive activities.
Clarity of purpose helps us focus our mental energy on positive and productive activities.
Purpose is also good for our psychological health because it enhances our self-esteem. When we avert distraction and focus in order to create and achieve our goals, we feel capable and successful.
Purpose also pulls us out of our harmful self-focus and makes us feel part of something bigger, beyond ourselves. It frees us from our rumination about ourselves and the past and keeps us oriented toward the future, with a sense of what we can contribute. That fuels our creativity.
According to researchers Jorunn Drageset, Gorill Haugan, and Oscar Tranvåg,8 there are four main experiences that foster a strong sense of purpose in life:
Physical and mental well-being: Taking care of your body, health, mind, and soul.
Belonging and recognition: Feeling valued and validated and valuing and validating those who are important to you.
Personally treasured activities: Populating our days, consistently, with the things that make us feel authentically happy.
Spiritual closeness and connectedness: Spirituality is not necessarily tied to belief in a religion, or even in any sort of god. It is a feeling of being part of a collective experience that transcends ourselves and encompasses humanity as a whole.9 In his article “Spirituality as Connectedness,”10 author Richard Hill writes that spiritual practice “encompasses the activities engaged in by people to enable conscious awareness of connection and to enhance the experience of the connective process, leading to even deeper levels of interaction and integration.” That mindful sense of how connected we are, with our family and friends, our communities, and truly with all other living beings on the planet, helps us appreciate how important our contribution can be to so many lives.
Purpose Is Your North Star
To live purposefully is an ongoing journey. It is said that the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.11 I love that, but I'd change the why to what for. I'd also add that discovering your what for is not a one-time event. The way you define your purpose will continue to evolve.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
When Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar in 2014, in his acceptance speech, he cited three things he needs each day:
Something to look up to.
Something to look forward to.
Something to chase.
First, McConaughey said he looked up to God who has graced his life with opportunities.
Second, he looked forward to his family—who's always there for him, always supporting him.
Third, he said he chases his hero.
Who's his hero?
McConaughey said that when he was 15, someone asked him who his hero was, and after thinking about it for some time he said, “I know who my hero is—it's me in 10 years.”
Ten years later when M
cConaughey turned 25, the same person asked him, “So, are you a hero?”
He said he was not even close. “Every day, every week, every month, and every year of my life, my hero is always 10 years away,” he said. “I'm never going to be my hero. I'm not going to obtain that; I know I'm not, and that's just fine with me because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing.”
Living purposefully is to live in a state of constant growth. But because life is such a juggling act, to set our course and to stay true to our purpose as we continue to evolve, we need a point of reference we can always rely on—a North Star. This is where writing out a purpose helps. It assists, on a daily basis, with deciding how to spend our time.
Living purposefully is to live in a state of constant growth.
So, let's get you started crafting your own mission statement for this leg of your lifescaling journey, which I will call your purpose statement.
The Purpose of Life Questions
Grab a piece of paper or open a new note or document on your laptop, tablet, or phone.
Please write out the following questions1 and do your best to dig deep and answer them:
What was I most passionate about as a child or young adult?
What do I dream of becoming now?
What do I feel I am missing in my life today? (What feelings are absent, what achievements or goals unaccomplished?)
Be honest with yourself, ask why you really want to change?