I nodded cautiously. “But there is little for you to know about me, sir. We ladies stay at home quietly. We do not have the adventures you men have. You have people in your lives that we will never know about, but you are almost certain to know about the majority of people we will have in our lives.”
Darcy frowned, but it was a confused expression, not one of displeasure.
“I can assure you, there is little of that sort of thing for you to know about me, Elizabeth. I’m not sure what ideas you have, but I can understand where you have got them from. However, I can assure you, there was little of that going on in my life before I knew you. I am not that type of man.”
I tried not to blush at our conversation, but it was a strange situation. It was such a personal conversation to have with Mr Darcy of all people, and yet he was my husband. He was the very person I should be able to have these conversations with. And yet we hardly knew one another. I felt embarrassed to go on.
“Besides,” said Darcy. “It is not as though ladies do not have their secrets. There are many ladies with a past their husbands know nothing about. They have known and loved others before them, and their husbands will never find out.”
I looked up at him in confusion and hesitated as I try to figure out what he might be thinking. A face came towards me, the face of George Wickham as he smiled at me sadly and looked at me with such sorrow that I agreed to marry Mr Darcy. Is that what Darcy was thinking about now? Did he believe that something improper had happened between Wickham and I before I married him? I almost confronted him about it, but I could not do so. It was too indelicate. And if I were wrong, it would be very embarrassing.
“I am sure I do not know many such ladies sir,” I said. “But you are a man of the world, and I am sure you have many among your acquaintances. And I am sure I should meet such ladies in London.” I cast my mind around as I thought about all the gossip from town I had heard in my years before coming here. “Is not Emily Lamb such a lady?” Darcy’s face was so shocked I could not resist smiling.
“How do you know about that?” he said. “I had taken you for a gently brought up young lady who was quite ignorant of such things.”
I met his eyes feeling offended, but there was a slight smile about his lips. Was he teasing me? Was Mr Darcy, stiff and proper Mr Darcy, capable of teasing a lady? I could hardly believe it, but I felt a rush at being on familiar territory. The conversation was so confusing, I did not wish to continue it, and if Mr Darcy could steer the conversation away by returning it to teasing and jokes, I would gladly take the opportunity and bless him for it.
“Gently brought up ladies still have access to newspapers, sir,” I said with mock offence.
Darcy raised his eyebrows. “Indeed? I did not know you ladies read newspapers.”
“Perhaps you do not consider that just because you do not see them read, it does not mean that they are not doing so.”
“That is very true. And it does not surprise me at all that you would be interested in reading the papers. I suppose they were your father’s?”
“I suppose they must have been. They were certainly delivered to our house, and he certainly yelled at me when I disappeared with them once again so I imagine they must have been his.”
A brief smile flicked across his face again. I was impressed with how well it became him when he lost his usual stiff demeanour.
“Well, I can promise you I will not yell if you disappear with my newspapers. You are welcome to read them whenever you like. And if there is anything else you would like to read, periodicals or magazines, for example, you need only ask for them, and I shall have them brought to you at once.”
I gazed at him in surprise, and I could not keep a smile for spreading over my face.
“Oh yes?” I smiled at him. “Well, that is very generous, sir. And I will gladly accept this offer. Thank you.”
Darcy nodded, looking very pleased. “And if there is anything else you would like to have from London before we leave, you need only ask me for it, and it shall be yours.”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “But I must ask you for the largest diamond in London, sir. Bigger than the Prince Regent’s.”
I could not resist laughing at the startled look on his face.
“I am joking, sir. What would I do with such a thing? It had little use for me, and besides, I am sure it will be hideous.”
Darcy laughed. “Well, you would be surprised. Many ladies think nothing of demanding it.”
“I am wondering how you were so familiar with what many ladies would want?”
I meant it only as a joke, but I regretted it at once. I dropped my eyes to my sewing once again and pretended to pick at a stitch.
I felt Darcy’s eyes on me as I continued to do so. He did not smile or laugh, and even worse, he declined to respond.
We sat as we were for the next hour, both of us silent and lost in our thoughts. My mind went to Madame Bessette and the torment of knowing she was nearby and wondering what happened between her and my husband. What were my husband’s feelings towards her? And why was I so jealous?
I try to suppress my sorrow at all I had left behind. My life changed unimaginably in the previous few weeks, all because my dearest father died. If only he were here, none of this would have happened. But I have no one to blame but myself. I did not need to marry Darcy. I could have remained at Longbourn, as the wife of Mr Collins and in my childhood home. My mother and my sisters all around me. I shuddered it as I imagined the reality of that. No, surely even marriage to Darcy, no matter who he loved, was preferable to that?
But something else would have been even more preferable. If I had contracted an advantageous marriage to a man that I loved who could provide for my family and me and who loved me in return. My mind once again wandered to Mr Wickham and how different everything we should be if Darcy had given him what he was due. We would not have met in Hertfordshire, but perhaps we might have met in some other way. I would not have had an elegant house in London and fine jewels and carriages, but I would have been secure in my husband’s love knowing I did not need to compromise anything to be with him.
But there was no point in thinking that way. What had happened had happened, and to dwell on it did no good. I was in this situation, and I would have to learn to make the best of it.
21
More visitors called over the next few days. For all Bingley's sisters decided that we should be left alone together, they had encouraged people to call on us and visit us under the disguise of wanting to honour us. I suspected that Miss Bingley was doing all she could to prevent Darcy and me from being alone together. I could have laughed at her foolishness. How could she come between a husband and wife when we spent every day and night under the same roof? But I suppose anyone might come between a husband and wife such as us.
We do not see Madame Bessette again, and I do not know whether to be relieved about that. I personally felt it would be best to keep her close by, so I could see how matters stood between her and my husband.
We have been almost a week in London when my husband suggested that we call on her. I did not reply when he suggested it first, thinking my response was unnecessary.
"Elizabeth," he said in the tone of some surprise. "Do you not wish to call on Amelia?"
I was about to refuse, but I did not wish to appear petty and childish. I would not allow Darcy the satisfaction of thinking I was jealous of this other woman.
I shrugged and said," Yes, if it is agreeable to you, I see no reason why not."
Darcy continued to gaze at me. "I would like for you and Amelia to be friends," he said. "Her family still live in Derbyshire, and they will be good friends for you to have. It will be easier for you to make a life in Derbyshire if you have acquaintances among the neighbours."
I shuddered at the thought of being Madame Bessette's friend and hearing her refer to my husband as Fitzwilliam and talk about all their closeness over the years and the time when I did not know him. But
I would not allow Darcy to see my jealousy.
"Yes, I am sure it will be agreeable for us to be friends, but have you forgotten her father will not receive her? I am not sure how valuable a connection Madame Bessette will be when it comes to making new acquaintances.”
"Yes, I was very sorry to hear that. Sudeley is a proud man. He was not happy when she ran away to marry a French man. I hope I can use my influence to help her."
"That is very good of you," I said, avoiding his eyes. "She is fortunate to have such an interested friend."
Darcy shrugged as he returned to his newspaper. "I am concerned about her little boy. It is not good for him to be shunned by society. He deserves better than this."
"You take an interest in the child?"
"Of course I do. I do not believe a child should suffer for the parents. He will need introductions to London society."
I laughed. "Introductions to London society? Is he not a little young for that? How old can he be?"
Darcy shrugged. "I do not know. She went to France about six years ago, so I'd imagine he is about four or five. And yes, it is rather early for him to make connections. But the connections formed in childhood last throughout a man's life. They will still serve him when he is grown."
I could not argue with him. I would not be mean-spirited enough to deprive the child of any help he might get through his life.
"Well, I cannot argue with you there. If you think helping Madame Bessette and her father become reconciled is the best thing for the child, I will do what I can to help."
"Thank you." I looked up and saw Darcy's eyes on me. That was a softness about him as he smiled me that sent a flutter a pleasure through me. I took a sip of my tea to hide my confusion and waved his thanks away as though they were of little matter.
The house on Conduit Street was a tall, handsome building, though less grand than the house in Grosvenor Square. But for a house to be given on a widow and her child from in-laws was a generous gift. It was precisely the home I would have liked to have if I were to escape to London.
A smartly dressed housekeeper showed us into the parlour where Madame Bessette waited for us. The room was a little bare and simply furnished, but it was pleasant and cosy. A nice fire burned cheerfully in the hearth. Madame Bessette looked enchanting in a simple plain white gown, making her look far younger than her true age. No one would guess she was a wife, a widow and a mother. Darcy's smile was warm when they walked towards one another to shake hands.
"Fitzwilliam," she said. Her eyes glowed as she gazed at my husband. "I am so happy to see you here. It is good of you to visit. And you, Mrs Darcy."
"Of course," said Darcy as he took the seats Madame Bessette gesture towards. "My wife and I were eager to see you again and to meet your little boy, were we not, my love?"
I smiled. "I am only sorry we did not come to see you sooner, Madame Bessette. We have had such a busy week…"
Madame Bessette waved her hand. "Please do not apologise. You are newlyweds. And I am sure you are very happy together. You must want to a little privacy from others, so I'm extra grateful for you for coming to see me." She looked between the two of us and at the last moment, Darcy recalled his desire to play-act and stretched his hand to take mine. After a moment's hesitation, I placed mine inside it.
"You are too kind, Madame," I said.
Madame Bessette shook her head. She leaned forward, to my astonishment, she plays a gentle hand on my knee. I barely kept myself from flinching.
"No, no. Please. You must call me Amelia, Mrs Darcy." She gave me a brilliant smile, but I only inclined my head in response. I knew she wished me to return the favour and invite her to call me Elizabeth, but I could not. This lady was not yet my friend, and I was still unsure of her. Something about her wrong and I would not play along until I knew what it was even if just to please my husband.
"If that is your preference. But we are happy to visit. In Hertfordshire, I am used to walking everywhere, and I am not used to spending so much time indoors."
"Oh," said Amelia with a laugh. "There is no need to remind me of spending time indoors when one is a newlywed." She laughed, but it trailed off as she glanced at Darcy then looked away with a blush. She cleared her throat and rang the bell for tea.
After we talked about some inconsequential matters for some time, Darcy cleared his throat.
"I was wondering when we might meet your little boy? I am eager to see him. Does he favour you or your husband?"
Amelia blushed as she poured the tea and busied herself with the implements.
"I am told he looks just like me, but I confess I do not see it, I think he is all my husband. He has his dark hair and eyes. If I were to show you a portrait of my husband, I am sure you would agree."
Darcy shifted in his chair, and I feared he was not pleased with seeing a picture of the husband.
"May we see him soon?" I said. "Is he home today?"
Amelia rang the bell and ordered the nursemaid to bring her son to her. Minutes later, the door opened, and the nursemaid walked in, clutching the hands of a young boy who might have been four or five years old but was very tall for his age and looked sturdy. He had dark hair and dark eyes, and he looked around the room with intelligence.
There was something familiar about him, but I could not place where it came from. He was a little reserved and hung back behind his nursemaid as she led him towards his mother. She reached out a hand for him, and he came towards her to take it. He turned towards us with his head hanging down, but as he looked up again, I had a strange feeling of recognition as I looked into those dark eyes. Who did he remind me of?
22
Darcy also stared at the child, and there was a strange look in his eyes. He swallowed but hesitated for a moment before leaning towards him.
“So, this is William?” he said. “Well, I am happy to meet you at last. Come closer so I may look at you.”
The little boy came towards Darcy and stood at his knee. There was a strange look on Darcy’s face as he looked at the child. He smiled at him. I looked between the man and the little boy, and suspicion grew in me, causing a cold pit to settle in my stomach.
“Well, you are a fine lad, are you not? I am sure you are a very good boy. Tell me, how do you like London?”
“I like it very well, sir,” William said, what a slight hint of a French accent.
“And do you miss France?”
The little boy nodded. He looked at his mother and shook his head.
“I am happy to be here, sir,” he said.
Darcy smiled at him, but there was still a stunned look on his face. I was afraid to consider what it meant. He glanced up at Amelia, who seemed to refuse to meet his eyes.
“Would you like to meet my wife, William?” said Darcy. “She has looked forward to meeting you today.”
Willian nodded and came towards me to stand by my knee. I smiled, trying to fight down the pain in my chest as I looked at that familiar little face.
“Well, you are very handsome, are you not? I am delighted to meet you, William.”
William had been staring shyly at the carpet, but he glanced up with me and smiled, flashing dimples. I was relieved to see it. I had a little experience with children, and I never felt I was particularly good with them. Jane was always the one children flocked to, but William seemed taken with me. He again gave me that smile that sparked such familiarity.
“I am very pleased to meet you too, Mrs Darcy,” he said. He gave a little bow, and despite the pain in my chest, I laughed along with my husband.
“He is charming, Amelia,” I said. “I must… I must congratulate you. He is a fine little boy.”
“He is my pride and joy,” said his mother, and she smiled at him. “We are great friends, are we not, William?”
William nodded with his head down once again, then peeked up at me with a smile I could not resist laughing at.
“Well, you are a fine little gentleman. I am delighted to meet you.”
“And how old are you, young man?” he asked.
Amelia looked up sharply at the question, as William replied that he was seven years old.
“You are very tall for your age, are you not?”
William agreed that he was.
“And have you never been to England before?”
His mother answered for him. “No, this is his first time in his mother’s home country, is that not right, William?”
William replied that it was.
Darcy nodded. His face was like stone, and his hand curled into fists on his knee.
“Would you like to sit beside me, William?” he asked. There was an emotion in his voice he struggled to keep in check.
William looked between the two of us, and to my surprise, he took the seat beside me. His preference amused me, and by talking to him, I could avoid the strange look on Darcy’s face as he looked at him and then at Amelia.
But by looking at him, I was reminded of how familiar his expressions were.
“I cannot see much of you in him, Amelia,” I said, rather daringly. The lady tensed, and her teacup rattled as she looked at me.
“Oh, yes? Well, as you recall, many people have said he does though I do not see it myself. I believe he favours his… his father.”
“I am sure he does,” I said. “May I see a picture of Monsieur Bessette?”
Amelia replied that she had no pictures close to hand.
“I am afraid it was too painful for me to see pictures of my husband for a long time after his death, and I still do not feel I am ready to see them. I have shut his pictures away in a safe place where I will keep them for little William. He will have them when he is older.” She drew a shuddering breath and closed her eyes for a moment. “But until then, I do not feel strong enough to look upon my darling husband’s face.”
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