t.w. : domestic abuse, physical abuse, child abuse
the paper thin walls
never hid her screams.
the paper thin floors
never hid the dragging
he did to her from the
master bedroom
to the living room.
with his yelling,
“shut the fuck up bitch,
you wanna act like a fucking man?
then take it like a fucking man.”
the paper thin house never
hid their children’s torment.
crying
screaming
at the top
of their
little lungs
“daddy stop.
mommy
mommy
mommy”
hiccup hiccup hiccup
and she stayed.
even after the neighbors called.
even after the cops asked,
if she was sure he didn’t touch her.
and in this paper thin house
we heard her lie.
i
fell
into
the
bathtub.
he gave her another beating after the cops left.
she thought we called and so
she cracked our car window
from the second floor.
they eventually moved out.
he left her. and their screaming
kids never left me.
their screams haunt
me with every creaking
of the second floor
she was always angry
and it took awhile for
me to understand
if happiness should be
in the home, then where
can she find it?
it’s been over ten years,
i hope they found a home
where their strength is thicker
than these paper thin walls.
this title is a song lyric by lana del rey
i had a friend once
when i was a teenager.
she reminds me of a
lana del rey song.
sad
fun
happy
and free
we shared ice cream,
talked about boys,
and nothing mattered,
not even the shattered pieces
of our battered souls.
we never really spoke about
what we went through
growing up.
but there was a
a silent understanding.
that
we
were
the
same
she only ever told me
one secret that i will
take with me to the grave.
she moved far away.
back to the place where
her soul was tainted.
and i would be lying if i
said i don’t miss her and
wonder about her sometimes.
and you’re probably thinking
that i can find her somehow.
i
don’t
think
she
wants
to
be
found
i hope your ghosts
aren’t scaring you,
now that you’re
back in a place
that haunted you.
- this is what i say when i imagine our first reunion
you never judged me
when you saw me kiss
girls with lips that were
still trying to figure out
what they liked.
you opened the window
and let the air of acceptance
come right on in.
- love is love is friends is love
when i drive by orchard beach,
i still think about you and our
last summer together. we never
said goodbye when you left
across the coast. if you find this,
yes this is about you. i miss you.
and sometimes i see pieces of you
in my new friendships.
- this is how i know you haven’t left me
two teenage girls riding the d train on our
way to coney island with our dreams hidden
in our backpacks while life was unfair
to us. we laughed at the smallest things and
everyone knew we were two girls from the
bronx. we shared our food since we didn’t
carry much in our pockets but life was priceless
with chucks on and teenage heartbreak.
your eyes will always
remind me of the ocean
we imagined new york city
would have one day
t.w. : stalking
the creepy dude
that people probably
heard of.
and i was the one
he followed.
we took a class together
that i never remember
seeing him in.
till he asked me in the
hallway if i could help him.
there was a time
when i was very naive,
and i said yes.
there was something
about him…
my
skin
crawled
with
dislike
he gave it about two weeks before
he started showing up everywhere.
calling
texting
emailing
showing up
emailing
calling
texting
showing up
EVERYWHERE
i caught him one time staring at me
through the classroom door
while i was in another class.
hey are you okay?
why don’t you pick up your phone?
do you want to study in the library?
i was thinking about you today.
i followed you to the train station,
but you didn’t catch me.
i found out that he took the year off
i was graduating and it made me
feel more safe for this last one shook me.
i broke up with my girlfriend,
to see if you wanted to go out
on a date with me. i told her about
you, she knows what you look like.
she was in the same class
where he was staring at me
from the classroom door.
there is nothing romantic
in chasing and scaring
someone who doesn’t
want to be with you
following me isn’t going to
make me fall to my knees
and sing for you to take me
paranoia now has a place
in this body i call home.
although you aren’t the root
of this paranoid blooming;
i wonder if i’m being watched
by men who think it is okay
to barge into my home when
i slightly open the door.
the couple that
i personally still know
but no longer talk too.
the happiness that once
belonged but no longer
comes along with them.
and it feels like i don't know them at all.
one day she
found out
that he had
other children
before he met her
and he kept
them a secret.
he had them out of wedlock while he was a pastor.
i will never
forget the day
that she slept
over my house
&
nbsp; after that happened.
she decided to
stay with him
and have his baby
after she had
miscarriages with
their babies.
she curses his name
to the wind while
their baby sits in
the living room
hearing all of this
and all the while
she sleeps next
to him. letting
everyone know
how he’s this
good for nothing
h u s b a n d .
and their child has
to suffer through
all of this.
misery really does love company,
for they deserve one another.
what goes around comes around
and oh how he lives with those secrets
every
single
day
a sickness has overtaken his wellbeing
and staying no longer hurts him. the
only damage being done here is to
your innocent daughter.
- children paying for their father’s sins
kicking and screaming that no one
ever stays. no one lingers long
enough to hear your hurt filled
tongue. your home is now a toxic
waste and although you abide
there, no one takes up residency.
for years i had nothing to
say to you and what your
words put me through.
you thought telling me
what to do would have
me scramble to my feet.
i grew up, you see.
i need you to know that i
flourished into mayhem and
though i never amounted
to anything according to
you, i’m here. and i will
always tell my story.
family;
sometimes they don’t
come with the same
dna as you.
and when she
betrayed our group
of families all because
of money,
i was grateful years
later that we didn’t
share the same blood.
some people will walk
right by you as if
they didn’t spend
christmas
birthdays
new years
thanksgiving
and
a
whole
childhood
together
her children paying
for the sins of their
mother, hurting their
childhood friends and
yet destroying themselves.
i heard that money is the root
of all evil and evil came between
her marriage and the relationship
with her children.
you’re all so close one day
and then the next so far away.
and along the way this family
broke dreams of forever friendships
that were supposed to last a lifetime.
one day a friend married and said
“man they aren’t here”
i know my friend, i know.
were you
conditioned
to not
remember me
in the
confinement
of your
mother’s home?
sixteen, walking up the
steps of school. i saw you
and screamed, asking what
you were doing here. you
didn’t recognize me.
- i sought you in hiding
we, the children, were forced to
deal with abandonment at the
hands of our parents. instead
of blooming into the forever
tree, we went back to the
ground and replanted ourselves
into different roots.
- here’s to all the events we’ll never attend together
when i was twelve, i asked my mother
what happened. why don’t they spend
sunday’s with us anymore? she said
something’s i will not understand.
when i was sixteen, i asked her again
what happened. she said some people
grow apart when their attention lies
elsewhere.
when i was twenty-seven, i asked one
last time what happened. she said
sometimes things take over people’s
lives and she grew in that obsession.
it is not healthy to like things in excess,
look what it’s done to her, her children
cannot stand her.
inmate number ___________
“he wanted me to call you
cause he got locked up
and he don’t remember
your number. i have him
on the other phone.
he said he misses you and
that he’s sorry.”
what did he do?
“he ___________ and ___________ someone”
sometime after, i received a letter
from inmate number ___________.
till this day, it is the longest
letter anyone has ever written to me.
his letter was full of desperation,
longing, regrets for being so
ridiculous to the point where
he will see an orange jumpsuit
for many years to come.
“i don’t understand myself.
how this shit got to me and i did
this, yo i don’t know. i’m here for good.
it’s not that bad as people said.
sometimes i think about your laugh,
and i fucking swear to _______ i can
hear it, that shit calms me.”
many paragraphs later he told me
“don’t respond to this.”
i didn’t.
i appreciated that he was realistic
to the situation.
things weren’t going to change.
i was so young and he wanted to
set me free.
thank you inmate number ___________
your letter sits in
a box filled with
unkept memories
- just like you
in setting me free,
i walked out my
own jail cell.
- a hood mentality
sometimes i miss our friendship.
i wonder if the system
moved you. if you’ve
received a lower
sentence. the sky isn’t
blue like it used to be,
the summers are a lot
hotter now. they don’t
feel like the summer
where i last saw you,
sitting on a bench
with time ticking by
to our last goodbye.
t.w. : homophobia
it all started
with a rumor.
“she’s lesbian”
they treated me
as if i had a
contaminated
disease.
the congregation
says amen.
it was a time
in my life where
i was trying to
figure myself out.
but instead of being
welcoming, they
rejected me.
my identity
was a curse
to them.
a congregation full
of 100+ people.
what god do
they serve?
their unkindness
and unjust attitudes,
filled with spite
and disgust.
venom in their
saliva, spilling
through their
tongues.
they hissed
through their
rattlesnake
bodies,
“esa es la hija del
ministro ______.
esa es una asquerosa.”
“that’s the daughter
of minister______.
she’s disgusting.”
killing the youth
of our nation.
for i wasn’t the only
one they killed.
rotten souls rotting other souls
which become the domino effect
of christian culture. yet praying
to an almighty god. hugging our
brethren and telling him “i love you”
while venomous tongues sting others
with lies of how our beloved brethren
has gotten another woman pregnant.
and oh how the ticking of the
tick tock tick tock keeps ticking.
for we sit pretty with our legs
closed, waiting for a sibling
i never had.
you tell me to open my
mouth. i say no. you tell
me again to open my
mouth, i once again say
no. you laugh in my face
and call me sinner. the
lioness reminds you that
i am not the daughter
of this congregation.
judgement be upon thee
who rest on killing teens
- gretchen 1:7
the music i listened
to was telling me
to do things.
the art i looked at
was distracting me
from your vision.
the books i read
were opening me
up to other beliefs.
the people i associated
myself with were
destructive.
me running away
at fifteen was a
shot to my father’s
r e p u t a t i o n .
my existence was
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