Me Life Story

by Scarlett Moffatt

  I didn’t want to worry my family so I booked an appointment with the doctor. It was a female doctor, which for some reason calmed my nerves. ‘So how can I help you today?’ She smiled.

  I started getting really sweaty and dizzy and thought I was going to faint. The words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. I could almost see them scramble around in my brain. ‘I think I’m mad,’ I whispered.

  ‘And why do you think that?’ she said.

  It all came pouring out. ‘Well, I think stupid thoughts and I struggle to step out of my front door. Sometimes I feel like I’m having out-of-body experiences, sometimes I can sit and think about the same ten words that I’ve said to somebody over and over again and think because I’ve said that bad repercussions are going to occur. I have super good days where I’m normal Scarlett, where I feel on top of the world and I’m happy and giggly. But I also have some dark days. Sometimes on those dark days I won’t get out of bed, I’ll literally lie in bed for the whole day, half of the day worrying because I genuinely don’t feel good enough for what’s happening to me. See, I’ve been given the opportunity to be on a TV show called Gogglebox,’ I explained, ‘and sometimes I feel like the opportunities I’ve been given I don’t deserve. I’m scared I’ll mess things up. I’m just a five-foot-and-a-fag-end Bishop Auckland girl, why am I being given this chance? I don’t understand it. Then the other half of the day I spend crying in bed being angry with myself that I’m not just embracing what’s happening to me and that I’m not enjoying the opportunities as much as I should be. I struggle to understand why people like me and get really anxious that I’m going mess it up.’

  I sighed the longest sigh that has ever come out of my mouth. It was pure relief. I instantly felt better for saying it all out loud.

  ‘Well, first of all you are not alone and you should not feel like you are a bad person for thinking these thoughts,’ said the doctor. ‘Trust me, there are other people who think things like this too. Can you tell me any other physical symptoms you have?’ she asked.

  ‘Well, sometimes I don’t want to eat and I know that must mean these head demons are doing something to my brain because I love food. Sometimes I don’t get to sleep until three or four in the morning because I feel like my brain is constantly thinking. When I get really bad I feel dizzy, I can almost feel the blood pumping around my body. It’s as if I can hear my own heart skip a beat.’

  ‘OK, Scarlett. So first of all I want to tell you that you are very brave for opening up like that. I know that it isn’t easy. But I can’t tell you enough that you are not alone; other people feel like this. You have an anxiety and panic attack disorder. Now I will talk through how we can help you. I would like to offer you the chance to chat to somebody, maybe do some cognitive behavioural therapy before we just prescribe medication, although there is medication for it.’

  I was lucky that the doctor was so understanding. I came out with so many leaflets. Things I could do online, forums to chat to other people who were going through the same thing, exercises both physical and mental that I could do, meditation and mind space apps. I was just relieved that I wasn’t alone, that I wasn’t a bad person for thinking these things.

  I went home and chatted about it with my mam and dad. No one’s parents want their kids to feel this way, and they were constantly trying to reassure me, especially while we were filming. Now part of me thought should I be stopping Gogglebox, would that make me better? But I loved doing it. I couldn’t let these head demons stop me from doing what I loved.

  ‘I can manage this, can’t I?’ I said to my mam and dad.

  ‘Of course you can, don’t let anxiety stop you from enjoying life.’

  Now, that is easier said than done, I know, and some days I still struggle with getting out of the front door. But speaking to family, friends and the doctor really helps. The first initial conversation is the hardest but I promise it gets easier.

  Yes, I still have dark days; yes, I still have panic attacks, but as in life you have to take the rough with the smooth. I find exercise helps me and if I am worried about something, even the tiniest of things, I talk about it with my family straight away so that I’m not coping on my own.

  See, I used to get so anxious watching the news for Gogglebox. (I once even physically fainted when we watched an item about Ebola – silly head demons.) I used to dread watching it on the television; actually I still sit in dread and fear when I turn on the news. I don’t know what’s happening to the world right now but there is so much hate. I would get myself really worked up about what sort of world we are creating for people like my little sister or even for my future children. But then my auntie Kirsty told me a quote by American TV personality Fred Rogers:

  ‘When I was a child and I would see scary things

  in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the

  helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

  To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember

  my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by

  realising that there are still so many helpers – so many

  caring people in this world.’

  This quote has changed my whole outlook on life and although I still sit in heartbreak watching the news, I now focus on the helpers.

  Chapter Thirteen

  SCARLETT MO’FAT TO SCARLETT NO’FAT

  The War of the Worlds radio drama was first aired on Sunday 30 October 1938. It became famous for allegedly causing mass panic as people thought aliens were really attacking, although the scale of the panic is disputed as the programme had relatively few listeners.

  Elvis Presley was rumoured to be a fan of the ‘Sleeping Beauty Diet’, a diet where a person is sedated for days at a time. The reasoning behind the diet was that a sleeping person wouldn’t eat.

  Worldwide obesity has nearly doubled since 1980.

  As Gogglebox was just a hobby, and in all honesty television was never something I could imagine in my wildest dreams could be a full-time occupation, I always had a job whilst filming. One day I got a random email asking me to go in for an interview to cover a maternity position. It wasn’t just any job, it was one of my dream jobs. I was about to become a breakfast radio presenter. The hours sucked arse; I walked to work as students were leaving clubs, owls were twit-twooing and McDonald’s wasn’t even serving breakfast yet, but I loved it. Getting to sit on one of those tall radio swivel chairs (every morning I had to get a bunk-up from my co-presenter as it was so high), feeling like the dog’s bollocks with my headphones on, getting to chat and listen to music for a living. I mean I had to pinch myself every time I signed myself into work. However, I did think I would be able to rock up in a onesie with my hair in a scruffy bun every day, but now everything has gone digital we recorded a lot of the show so I still had to make an effort and actually brush my hair.

  I was in a trio for Capital North East: ‘Bodg, Matt and Scarlett’. I instantly clicked with Bodg when I found out his godfather was Len Goodman (the godfather of ballroom dancing). I loved Matt because I had never heard anyone be so enthusiastic about giving travel updates. And our producer, Thomas, was just the sweetest, most hard-working guy you could ever meet. He would get in even earlier than us, at like 4.30 a.m., to research what celeb gossip we could chat about.

  We did hard-hitting items like ‘What’s in Craig David’s fridge?’ and got to interview amazing people (over the phone) like Tinie Tempah. My favourite part of the show was the throwback where people would tweet us to play songs like ‘Breathe’ by Sean Paul, or ‘One More Time’ by Daft Punk. I honestly would love to do radio again – it was one of the best years of my life. The only downfall was the fact there was a Gregg’s next door and it’s very easy to eat a whole packet of chocolate digestives with a cup of tea whilst listening to a four-minute rendition of Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry’. I didn’t feel bad eating them, I enjoyed them – although my waistline didn’t and I did notice a lot of my clothes were havi
ng to be unbuttoned when I sat down to make sure I didn’t implode on myself.

  Now I had just moved in with my boyfriend Luke when I started the radio show. We had been dating a while but as I like to keep relationships private (as I don’t like to jinx them), we didn’t make it official until 19 February 2016. So to my friends it looked like we had just met and he moved in with me straight away. I had actually met Luke years before at university through my uni friend Craig (Luke was visiting him at York) but he wasn’t my normal type. I don’t know how he wasn’t my normal type at the time, because nowadays this is completely my type. He is ginger, has got a pubey bushy beard, over forty tattoos and is as obsessed with aliens and conspiracy theories as me. It was a few years later that we met up again and we decided to go for food (shock) and cocktails at the Botanist in Newcastle.

  When he rocked up on our first date wearing a fitted blue suit I got butterflies. I could see his two sleeves of tattoos poking out of his crisp white shirt. Throughout the date as the gin cocktails were rolling, he showed me his tattoo of Jesus (not the baby Jesus, adult Jesus) on his arm. Who would’ve thought I would end up waking up every morning saying, ‘Good morning, Jesus.’ I knew pretty much straight away that he was a good egg, which is why I moved more hastily than I ever had before in letting him move in. Again I don’t want to use phrases like ‘he’s the one’ because honestly I will bloody jinx it.

  Now one of the things I especially love about Luke is he loves cooking food, which was great for me as I loved eating. But I got to the stage where after I would eat a large meal I would feel really lethargic and I knew that although I was happy with my shape I was not happy with my health. Now I honestly believe you can be whatever shape you want to be. You can be pear-shaped, apple-shaped – hell, you can even be trapezium-shaped. But I think it is really important that you are happy and healthy in yourself.

  Women are always made to feel bad about their shape. Look at any women’s magazine, no matter whether it be for young girls or older women, you’ll see examples of women putting themselves down. You’ll see headlines like ‘Fit Turned to Fat’, ‘How to Be Beach Body Ready’, ‘How to Drop Two Dress Sizes in Two Weeks’, ‘Hot and Not on the Red Carpet’. We focus on what women are wearing, how their hair looks, how fit they’ve got after giving birth. Why aren’t we bigging women up? Yes, being healthy and feeling confident is an accomplishment but we aren’t just aesthetically beautiful empty vessels. The women that are portrayed in these magazines are amazing and talented. Whether they are singers, comedians, actresses, authors, reality stars or simply great mothers, let’s celebrate their accomplishments, not just how they look. If you look at any magazine made for men you can see how different their approach is. They have headlines like ‘How to Get Rich Quick’, ‘Ten Tips on Being Successful’, ‘Why Your New Suit Should be Tailored’, ‘What Watch to Buy Guide’ or ‘Most Influential Men of the Year’.

  What upsets me the most is half the time it’s women writing the articles in women’s mags. We are constantly bringing ourselves down and making ourselves feel shitty. If a guy is a little overweight he has a ‘dad bod’ or he is ‘comfortable in his own skin’. Jesus, if my jeans mark my skin even slightly I’m branded ‘fat’, ‘chubby’, ‘muffin top’ … I’ve ‘let myself go’.

  I strongly believe every woman – no, every human being – should be a feminist. Now to be a feminist doesn’t mean you have to go around burning your bra. Nor does it mean you have to go around wearing cardigans made from your own pet cat’s hair (as I said on I’m a Celebrity, ‘You can be a feminist and be a strong woman and still like fake tan’). It simply means that you want equality. If you don’t want woman to be equal to men, then frankly what is wrong with you? Don’t you want women to have the right to have equal pay, or do you think we all deserve less because we aren’t walking around with meat and two veg in our pants? Don’t you want women to be able to have the right to wear trousers to work instead of a skirt? The freedom to vote? To play sports? To marry who you want?

  One of my favourite human beings, who is truly an inspiration to me, is Caitlin Moran. Her book How to be a Woman literally changed my outlook on life. My favourite quote from that, which I feel sums feminism up, is: ‘What is feminism? Simply the belief that women should be as free as men, however nuts, dim, deluded, badly dressed, fat, receding, lazy and smug they might be. Are you a feminist? Hahaha. Of course you are.’

  Because of this outlook, I don’t believe women should be made to feel like they need to look a certain way, whether it be the clothes they wear, their hair, their make-up, or their size. I do, however, as a strong lover of Girl Power, want every girl to be fit and healthy so we can complete our mission to gain equality and die when we are very old and crinkly. This is why, as soon as I was starting to get some health scares and not feel myself, I decided to go to the doctor’s.

  When I arrived at the surgery for my appointment, I typed my date of birth and surname into the computer and sat on the custard-yellow seats in the reception area. Trying to inconspicuously cover my nose and mouth from the man next to me who had decided to cough openly and spread his germs all around the room, I was staring at the screen, waiting for my name to pop up.

  Scarlett Moffatt Room Two Nurse Howarth

  In I went. The nurse smiled at me.

  ‘Hi Scarlett, what seems to be the problem?’

  ‘I don’t mean to sound like a drama queen but I just feel awful most of the time. I have been having terrible back and neck pain. I’m also having just constant, really bad headaches. And I am just permanently tired, even though I spend most of my time sleeping. I just have no motivation at all.’

  ‘Have you had any weight gain recently?’

  ‘Well, a bit … I mean I have always been really slim up until the age of twenty when I stopped competitive dancing. I mean really fit and full of energy.’

  ‘And you are twenty-five now, is that right?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right.’

  ‘OK, so I need to measure your height, weight and blood pressure and we will take it from there. Is that OK with you?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘Hmm, five foot, your blood pressure is a little low … and now if you can just pop on the scales?’

  I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to. I was going to ask if I could take some layers off. I don’t know why, it’s not like I was going to be judged.

  ‘Eleven stone and four pounds.’

  ‘Does this mean I’m overweight?’

  ‘No, it doesn’t.’

  ‘Thank God for that.’

  ‘Your BMI is 30.09, so I am afraid you’re actually obese. We will need to test you for diabetes type two.’

  I burst into tears. ‘How have I got myself to this state and how am I going to get out?’

  Actually, I knew how, I just didn’t want to say it out loud: I needed to move more and eat less. Every night was a takeaway and I had a job that involved sitting down with the only movement being clicking a mouse button.

  Honestly, apart from feeling tired and the pains, I was super happy. I didn’t feel like my weight stopped me enjoying myself. I wasn’t bothered about not being able to wear crop tops and I was quite happy about wearing a kaftan by the pool on holiday. But what did bother me was that I was putting myself at risk of a serious condition. I wanted to live a long time, I wanted to dance around the house with Ava without getting beads of sweat on my brow. I was twenty-five; I shouldn’t be getting tired from walking up a flight of stairs.

  I honestly think if you are what the media calls ‘a plus-size man or woman’, that’s great. Don’t feel like you have to fit into what they tell us we should all look like. However, just make sure you are healthy. We all want to live as long as possible in order to spend as much time with our loved ones as we can. By just exercising thirty minutes a day we can do that. From that day at the doctor’s I decided to lose weight. I didn’t have an aesthetic image of what I wanted to look like, my goal was to be
right in the middle of the healthy BMI scale.

  I am not going to lie, it was bloody hard. I didn’t completely change my diet but I just made wiser choices. Sweet potatoes instead of white potatoes, an apple instead of a slice of apple pie and, of course, I cut down my portion sizes. I had been eating for a family of four in one sitting, to be honest (no one needs a side of a full garlic baguette to themselves to accompany a plate of spag bol). I also stopped getting two Mr Whippy ninety-niners from the ice-cream van and instead kept a tub of sorbet in the freezer if I fancied something sweet.

  I also really started getting into my fitness. I’ve always hated the gym; I feel intimidated whenever I go in. All those men making strange grunting noises at the weight machines and girls who don’t sweat, they glisten. No thanks, I’ll stick to exercising in the comfort of my own home in my pyjamas. That is the reason I brought out my DVD. I have been there; I know how difficult it is, I know what it’s like to be busy and not want to have to walk to the gym in the rain and be the only one in there who isn’t clutching a protein shake. I found some fun exercises and just wanted there to be something out there for women and men to be like, ‘Well, if Scarlett can do it, I can.’ Because I’m not superhuman; I’m just the average northern lass who likes a chip-shop dinner and doesn’t particularly like yoga and cross training.

  I also have my down days (sometimes weeks), when I have to motivate myself as I’m so tired from work I can barely even go in the bath and wash. Or days where I see an advert for a Burger King and go out and get myself a Whopper. That’s fine! God, we are here for a good time not for a long time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, people. It is OK to put on a few pounds, it is OK to not want to eat fennel salad and eat a Domino’s instead. It’s just everything in moderation so that we stay the healthiest we can be.