“I’m not going to sleep with you,” she said suddenly, and he laughed.
“Well, now that we have that settled, we can discuss the rest. Do you have a preference for chaste relationships?” He sounded very British as he said it and she grinned.
“Only recently. I don’t want to get it wrong again.”
“I don’t think you have. From what you’ve told me, you walked away from the wrong ones. That sounds very right to me. And you’ve proved it to yourself, driving all over the country for the last month, checking on your old boyfriends to make sure they were as wrong as you thought. What makes you think I’d be wrong for you?” he said. He was being very bold, and she liked it.
“Because I don’t want drama in my life anymore, or a broken heart. I do what I want, when I want, go where I want. I’m not sure I could compromise anymore. I’m pretty spoiled. I don’t think you’re ‘wrong,’ but maybe I am, for you.”
“But you don’t want to be alone either. You don’t want to wake up at the end of the show and be sitting there alone. Neither do I. I’ve been whining about my ex-wife for eight years, which I realize now was a clever way of keeping everyone at bay by boring them to death. The truth is, I don’t care about her anymore, and what a disappointment she was. She gave me Theo, my son. I’m grateful for that. The rest doesn’t matter. And you wouldn’t have to make compromises for me. You could do what you want, come and go. I don’t want to interfere with your life. I’d just want to share it with you, when it’s convenient for both of us. We both have our work. But at least some of the time, I don’t want to wake up alone in the morning, and maybe you don’t either. And why won’t you sleep with me, by the way?”
“Because it’s too soon, and it’s too big a commitment. Once we do that, we’ll both be hooked, and then it all turns into a mess.” It had with Andy. It had been agony letting him go.
“A very nice mess possibly,” he said with a gentle smile. “Have you taken a vow of chastity?”
“Yes, years ago.” She smiled at him.
“I suggest you rethink that at some point. You’re too young to give all that up. And so am I.” He was a year older than she was, which seemed about right to both of them. “Don’t you want to have a partner again, Maddie? I didn’t think that I did, but I realize now that I do. I don’t want to do everything alone.”
“Neither do I,” she said. “I just don’t want to make a mistake.”
“You won’t. You’re too smart for that.”
“So are you. And we’ve both made mistakes. We all get carried away and overlook the warning signs. Once I sleep with you, I won’t care if you’re a mistake or not.”
“You can’t always play it safe, Maddie. Life doesn’t work that way. And love implies risk. You can’t live without it forever. Work isn’t enough.”
“No, it’s not,” she agreed, although she had convinced herself that it was.
“Let’s leave the door open, and see what happens. If you decide to run, I won’t stop you. I promise.”
“I’m running now,” she said softly, and he took her hand.
“No, you’re not. You called me on the way back from Mendocino. You wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see you.” It was true and she was embarrassed to admit it to him. “Let’s be brave together, and see if we can get it right, if you want to.” He gave her the choice. She didn’t answer him for a few minutes, and sat looking at the boats on the bay and holding his hand. “Think of your daughter and her fisherman. She’s a brave girl. She learned it from you.”
“She’s young.”
“So are you. You’re as young as you want to be.”
“I’m not young, William. And what happens when I fall apart? You’ll be stuck with me.”
“Oh, I’ll get rid of you then. I never said I’d keep you when you fall apart. I’m just talking about sex and irresponsibility. You mean I have to stick around when all the moving parts fall off? I never agreed to that.” She was laughing at him, and he had said something she liked about being brave together. It was very tempting, and he actually made it seem possible that they might win the lottery of life this time. Maybe they could do it. She had said to Ben that she didn’t want to die alone, or wake up alone forever. Maybe this was her chance not to, with William, if things worked out for them. They didn’t even know that yet.
“I’ll think about it.” It was all she would promise him for now, but he could sense that she was turning it over in her mind. He had met her at the right time. Her trip across the country had made her question past decisions, among them the decision not to get involved with anyone again. She had built her own prison, but the door was open now, and all she had to do was walk through it. He was waiting on the other side, with his arms open wide for her. It made her feel young again.
They took a cab back to the hotel then, and had dinner at the restaurant he’d reserved for that night. He didn’t harangue her again to get involved with him, or to sleep with him. He had said what he needed to and planted the seed. Now it was up to both of them to water it until it grew into a flowering plant, or a tree, in time. There was no telling how strong it would grow, or how long it would last. That was the risk she was afraid to take. She didn’t want the pain of loss again. And he could break her heart, once she let him in. If she did.
He walked her to her room when they got back to the hotel after dinner, and didn’t insist on coming in. He was a gentleman. He wasn’t going to force himself on her. He wanted her to come to him willingly. He thought she would in time, and she was afraid she would. She didn’t trust her own strength to resist him. Everything he said was so appealing. She liked so many things about him. And he was a very attractive man.
They agreed to meet at ten o’clock the next morning to go to Napa. He was waiting for her in the lobby when she arrived in loose casual pants that fit over her cast and a white cashmere sweater.
“You look very virginal this morning,” he teased her, and she laughed. “You really are remarkable. You’re the only virgin I know with three children. Quire miraculous, really.”
They drove to Napa in his car, through some of the prettiest parts of the valley, and had lunch at the Auberge du Soleil, a lovely French inn and restaurant overlooking the valley and the vineyards. It had been a good decision to go to Napa. It was very picturesque and looked like Italy and parts of France.
She told him about her assignment in Shanghai in the coming weeks. It was getting closer, which was why she had to get back to New York, so she could get ready to leave, and do all her prep work first.
“I could meet you in Hong Kong if you like,” he offered casually. “I have the time at the moment. Chastely, of course, if that’s required, with two hotel rooms.” She could see that he meant it.
“That might be fun. Let me think about it.”
She had a lot to think about when she went back now. And she was trying to ignore the fact that he was very handsome, and sexy. He had a kind of natural grace that appealed to her more than she wanted to admit. She was drawn to him viscerally and intellectually. It was a powerful force.
They drove back to the city at dinnertime, stopped for a hamburger at Perry’s on Union Street, and then went back to the hotel. He startled her when he made a suggestion then. “Would you come back to Big Sur with me for a day or two before you leave? I’m not trying to seduce you. I just want to be there with you.” She had to get back, but maybe another day or two wouldn’t matter. And she liked the idea of seeing his cottage with him.
“Can I sleep on it?” she asked him. He was grateful she hadn’t turned him down.
“Of course. We can decide tomorrow.” She liked the way the word “we” sounded coming from him. He left her outside her room then, and when she went in, Andy’s photograph caught her eye in her suitcase. She looked at it, wondering what Andy would tell her to do. Reach for it and try one mor
e time, or do what she had with him, and not take a chance on something they both knew could never work? But this time, she thought, it could. She and William existed in similar worlds and had much more in common. She sat down on her bed, thinking about it, and reached for the phone. He picked it up immediately.
“Let’s go back to Big Sur tomorrow. But I’ve got to get back to New York this weekend.”
“I’ll drive you to the airport myself. I promise. And you’ll still be a virgin.” She laughed when he said it.
“Thank you, William, for giving me the time I need to figure it out.”
“You’ll always have the time you need, Maddie,” he said solemnly. “Although I can’t promise your virginity will be safe forever.” She didn’t want it to be, even now, but she didn’t want to lose her head over him. The truth was she knew she already had.
Chapter 13
They dropped off her rented car before they left the city. The drive to Big Sur from San Francisco was relaxed and easy. They took the coast road for the last part of it, the scenery was rugged and majestic, and then they watched the fog roll in. It gave everything a cozy, intimate feeling as they chatted on every subject. She found she could talk to him about anything, their marriages, their children, their childhoods, their work. They had both lived self-imposed solitary lives for years. He hadn’t dated anyone in a while. He said it was too much work spending the evening with women he never wanted to see again. He’d rather stay home and do research for a book, which he admitted was pure laziness. He had tried internet dating a few times and thought it was ridiculous and potentially dangerous. She had come to similar conclusions years before, and eventually stopped making any effort to meet someone, and avoided it in fact. She had come to think of herself as untouchable, and then undesirable, with the excuse that she was too old, which he scoffed at. They both knew people older than they were who had met and fallen in love, but they had convinced themselves it would never happen to them.
“Why did you come to America when you got divorced instead of staying in England?” She was curious about it. He was still so British in so many ways.
“I was escaping. I didn’t want to run into Prudence in London or watch her date all my friends. I got a chance to write the script for a historical documentary in L.A., and I leapt at it, and then I stayed. Los Angeles seemed too artificial and distracting, so I slowly moved north, first to Santa Barbara, and then I came here. It suited me at the time. I became something of a recluse for a while, and it got comfortable. That’s not necessarily a good thing. You lock yourself in a room, and after a while you forget where the door is, and eventually you don’t care. I’ve thought of going back to London a few times, but Theo is away at school now, and I like my life here. I don’t want to go back to all the people I knew growing up, who want to know why I never married again and can’t find a woman I care about. I’m constantly having to explain things there, and justify what I’m doing, when I go back for a visit. It’s a clean slate for me here. I never thought I’d stay this long, but now I like it. People do what they want in the States, far more than they do in England. The people I know in London are leading their parents’ lives, with less money and less style. I don’t have to prove anything here or lead a life I don’t want. And if I were there, I’d be fighting with Prudence over Theo all the time. I’d want to see a lot more of him than she’d like or agree to. It’s probably easier for him with me here too. He loves coming to visit. We do fun things together in the summer, and I take him skiing over Christmas.”
“I’ve never liked the British system of sending children, boys mostly, to boarding school so early. I’ve known Englishmen who were sent away at seven, and one at five, although I think that was unusual.”
“I don’t like it either,” William agreed. “They think it makes men of us. It just makes us neurotic and awkward with women, and we cover it up with good manners and tradition. I hated boarding school for ten years, and then I didn’t want to leave. My parents were strangers to me. I don’t want that to happen with Theo. I think I know him pretty well. I’d love to bring him here to school, to live with me. Prudence will never let that happen. I keep hoping she’ll remarry, but no one is as foolish as I was. She’s run through all my friends by now, and she goes out with some fairly dreadful people. She was dating the drummer in a punk rock band the last time I saw her. I’m glad Theo is away at school. He doesn’t need to see all that, although he’s quite insightful about her, and more forgiving than I am. He says she hasn’t grown up yet, which is about right. And I doubt she ever will. Her parents spoiled her rotten, and then I finished the job. Theo is more grown up at ten than she is at thirty-five. I married a child. The foolishness of men,” he said with a wry look. “She was twenty-three when I married her. I was forty-seven, a damn fool thing to do, but I thought I’d best get married before I got any older. I was an old man to her, and rapidly became an old fool in her eyes. I was an opportunity, not a husband.”
It made Maddie think of Jacques and his flock of young girls, but William was very different and a much more serious person. He had substance and a foundation Jacques didn’t. Jacques was going to play all his life. Maddie found William sexier and more attractive because he was intelligent too. She wanted to read one of his books, although he warned her it would be slow going. His last book was eight hundred pages long, about the last kings of France before the Revolution, and where they went wrong.
When they got to Big Sur, he told her there was a small quaint bed and breakfast just down the road from him, or he could take her back to the Post Ranch Inn. He didn’t try to convince her to stay with him, which she had been afraid he would. He had taken her at her word. She was determined not to get carried away on a wave of passion she’d regret later. She didn’t trust herself to stay at his cottage, and he didn’t suggest it, although he would have loved her to.
“The bed and breakfast will be fine,” she said, and he took her there and paid for the room.
“You’re my guest this time,” he said simply. “Your virginal reputation is secure.”
They drove half a mile to his cottage then, and entered through a white gate under an arch of trees. The house was completely hidden from the road and sat perched on a cliff with a spectacular view of the ocean. The entire living room was windows, with comfortable old leather club chairs and couches that looked very English. There were books everywhere, and the kind of friendly disorder men make when they live alone. The house was full of eclectic objects from his travels and some of the contents of his house in England before he moved. The term “cottage” was a modest description of it, it was bigger than she had expected. His bedroom was upstairs, and a guest room, which he didn’t offer to show her, and there was a big country kitchen with a dining table, similar to hers at the firehouse. They were both hungry and he made an omelet and a salad. They sat down to eat, looking at the view.
“I love this place,” he said happily. There was a path down to the beach, which was too steep for her with her cast. “I’d have to pull you up on a rope,” he teased her. “Theo loves playing on the beach when he’s here. It used to worry me when he was younger, but he’s good about it now.” There was a big terrace where William said he liked to lie in the sun when it wasn’t too windy. The house was very exposed on the ocean side, which gave him the incredible view. And he said he loved watching the fog roll in every day.
After lunch, he made a fire in the fireplace, and they sat down next to it, and he showed her some of his books. They were impressive tomes, and the reviews on the dust jackets were equally so. He was a serious writer, as she was a serious photographer. And they had worked hard to achieve their success.
“I’d love to do a portrait of you,” she said, as she pulled a camera out of her purse and walked outside to photograph the view. He joined her, and she shot a few frames of him, then he took the camera carefully out of her hands and set it down on a table, t
ook her in his arms and kissed her. She felt as though she were flying through time to a place she’d never been, safe in the arms of a man who loved her. It felt more right than she wanted to admit to him, and she could feel her resolve melting as she kissed him back.
“You’ll have to stop if you don’t want me to tear your clothes off,” he whispered in a hoarse voice and she laughed. At that precise moment, she wouldn’t have minded if he did, but she didn’t want to have regrets later. They sat outside for a while, and went back in when it got chilly. He had put a cashmere blanket over her, and they held hands as they watched the sunset before they went back to sit by the fire. He poked it with an iron and put another log on. There was something so masculine about him, which she loved, and so well-mannered. He appeared to be considerate in a thousand little ways, always concerned for her comfort and attentive to her needs, both emotional and physical. He was a gentle, loving man, and she wished she had met him sooner. It would have been wonderful to be married to a man like him, instead of always forging ahead on her own. She could see how one could get lazy and spoiled with a man like him, and happy.
They sat talking in his living room until almost midnight, and they were both getting tired. It would have been easier to just go upstairs to his bedroom, but he didn’t suggest it and smiled at her as he stood up.
“I’m afraid you’ll get demerits at your boarding school if I don’t get you in before midnight, my dear,” he said, smiling wistfully. He would have liked to wake up next to her in the morning, but he didn’t want to violate their agreement, at least not this soon. “I’ll drive you back.” She put on her jacket and they walked out to his car, feeling sleepy and peaceful. It had been a perfect afternoon in his cozy nest above the sea.
He kissed her before she got out of the car, and they lingered for a moment, and then he walked her inside and saw her to her room, ever vigilant of her well-being and safety. Everyone else in the house was asleep, and they walked upstairs as quietly as they could, and she giggled when the stairs creaked. He kissed her again before he left, told her to call him when she woke up, and she heard him drive away a minute later. He called her on his cellphone as soon as he got home.
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