by Indiana Wake
As she lay there remembering it all, Grace wanted to explain it to him, to tell him that her tears were not quite as straightforward as they might have seemed to be. Even tell him that it hadn’t all been Janet’s fault, however much the child might have deserved her punishment. But she could never have explained it to him, not without admitting the very thing that would likely turn him away from her. She had to remember that the terms of their marriage had been very clear from the beginning, however much those terms were now beginning to bother her.
Grace began to feel a little lonely, even though she knew Josh would care for her forevermore. But at that moment, preparing to give birth to her first and likely only child, she thought of Peter. She needed that closeness, that understanding, that fierce but silent love.
But Peter was never coming back again, Peter couldn’t be with her now.
Josh was the one who was there, Josh was the one who held her hand and mopped her brow and told her that everything was going to be all right. And she realized then that she truly wanted Josh, that she loved him.
She smiled to herself at her admission, at the relinquishing of what Laura had described as pointless loyalty. Of course, Peter would not have wanted her to carry on a life alone, a life without love. He was the kindest, most giving man she had ever met, and he had loved her so much.
So much that he would want her to go on and live a full life, not just a shell of a life that seemed to have all the right parts, all the right people, but none of the true love.
Peter wouldn’t have expected the rest of her life to be nothing more than a test of will, of endurance, of unstinting grief. And she knew then that life shouldn’t be a test in that way, not for anybody who had lost the person they had loved the most in the world. There had to be room for more love; surely there couldn’t be limited space in the heart.
But the idea that she had finally admitted to herself the very thing she had known for some time didn’t bring her comfort for long. It just reminded her that Josh was unlikely to feel the same, that he had never given any indication that he wanted the terms of their marriage to change in any way.
And if she mentioned it to him, if she told him how she felt, Grace knew that she greatly risked hearing him tell her that he didn’t want her. And what of her life then in his household? Would she be able to carry on there?
She sighed deeply and opened her eyes to find Josh looking back at her with concern. She gave him a brief smile to let him know that all was well and realized, not for the first time, that she would have to put the life and well-being of her baby first.
Nothing had changed, and nothing was likely to. But she had a roof over her head, a husband who would keep her safe, and the promise that her child would have a home.
That would have to be enough, not just for now, but for always.
Grace thought how strange it was that a person’s expectations could continue to shift. When she had first arrived in Oregon, all she wanted was enough money to get back home again. When she had first discovered she was pregnant, all she wanted in the world was stability for her child. And once she had that stability, now she wanted love.
But for her life to be in any way content, perhaps she would have to relinquish that last expectation. Perhaps she had already been blessed well enough, kept safe, been protected. To ask any more would be to ask too much, she was absolutely sure of it.
And now, as a contraction violently took hold of her body, Grace realized that there was only one true objective in her life at that moment. She needed to put all her focus and strength on delivering her child safely into the world. She couldn’t falter now, she couldn’t give in.
She cried out in pain and squeezed Josh’s hand until his eyes flew wide open and he experienced some pain of his own.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she winced at him.
“It’s all right, you just keep squeezing my hand. I’m not going anywhere, I’m going to be right here the whole time.”
“Think again, young man,” came a rather deep and raspy voice from the bedroom doorway. “It’s enough of a job to help bring a child into this world, Josh Lacey, without having a man fluttering about and getting in the way.”
Mrs. Woolman, Janet right behind her, bustled forcefully into the room. She was already urging Josh to his feet and shooing him toward the door before she spoke another word and Grace, for her part, couldn’t help but feel relieved.
She didn’t really want Josh to go, but there was something about Mrs. Woolman’s manner that gave her great confidence. If anybody could help deliver this baby safely into the world, that woman was certainly the one. She immediately reminded Grace of a bossy, somewhat more strident version of Connie Langdon, and she knew that she would happily relinquish control to such a being.
“Come on then, young lady, you and I have got work to do,” Mrs. Woolman said with a bright smile, clearly relishing the challenge. “And as for you, Josh Lacey, another pan on the stove please.”
Chapter 16
The following day, Grace awoke with such joy that she could barely contain it. It was so much that it was almost overwhelming, and she knew it would only increase when she crossed to the little crib and lifted her baby into her arms again.
She could hear the gentle breathing from across the room and knew the precious bundle was still fast asleep. It seemed a great shame to wake her, despite her excitement, and so Grace forced herself to stay in her bed a while longer.
The sun had been rising for a while, but Grace knew it couldn’t be any later than six o’clock. It was cooler than it had been for some days and she was certainly glad of it. How she had managed to give birth in such heat she would never know.
But then she had survived the Oregon Trail, hadn’t she? She had led her oxen, pushed the wagon through thick mud, gone without food and sleep, and all that after losing the person she had loved most in the world.
Birthing a baby in extreme temperatures was surely as easy as pie compared to that. Grace laughed to herself, knowing the whole experience had been anything but easy.
Even with Mrs. Woolman’s voluble encouragement and obvious knowledge, it had still been the most physically arduous and painful thing Grace had ever had to do.
But it was all worth it; she’d known that the very moment Mrs. Woolman had placed the warm, well-wrapped and screaming baby on her chest.
One look into the tiny, screwed up little face, angry wails piercing the early evening air, was enough for Grace to know that she was holding the most precious of all things in her arms. Her baby. Her daughter. The most important person in her world at that moment.
Josh had come into the room as soon as Mrs. Woolman would allow him, which was not before she had the bed changed, got the baby washed, and the mother well and truly tidied up. He smiled broadly at her and hastened over to take his first look at the baby girl he had sworn to protect as one of his very own.
He clearly found prodding chubby baby cheeks irresistible and did so over and over until the baby began to wriggle and complain.
Grace had been so pleased to see him and so relieved that she had safely brought her child into the world.
But he wasn’t allowed long before Mrs. Woolman shooed him out again, loudly proclaiming that mother and baby needed their rest, they’d been through a lot more than just sitting at the kitchen table wincing every time there was a scream to be heard.
After being suitably chastised for doing nothing wrong, Josh grinned at Grace in a way he had only ever done rarely; the way which made him look boyish and handsome.
He was clearly relieved himself and indulged Mrs. Woolman thoroughly as he allowed the aging midwife to throw him out of the room once more.
It was only after he had gone that Grace realized she hadn’t enquired after Janet’s wellbeing. It wasn’t that she’d forgotten her, it was just that so many emotions swirled about her heart and she was full of energy in one moment and exhausted the next.
But she had wanted to kn
ow how Janet was. The poor child had had a very eventful day all in all. Grace could hardly think of the terrible argument they’d had without deep regret, and to think that fear and shock followed hot on its heels for the girl certainly didn’t make her feel any less guilty.
The same thoughts came and went throughout the night, mixed in with thoughts of Peter and her excitement at the tiny life she’d brought into the world.
Mrs. Woolman had stayed overnight, as was her custom in such matters, and had visited regularly from the guest room that Josh had made available to her.
But by the early hours, Grace assured her that she was fine and convinced her to go to bed and sleep properly with a promise that she would call for her if she needed to.
Unable to wait any longer for her child to awaken, Grace pulled herself up to sitting. She winced in pain, just managing to stop herself crying out, as she was reminded of just how many injuries would have to heal before she felt like her old self again, not to mention the aching muscles.
She set herself back against her pillows and decided to sit for a while until she was ready to attempt to get out of the bed.
Just as she settled herself, she heard a creaking noise and could see the door slowly opening inward. Someone was trying to sneak in and she smiled to herself, thinking that Mrs. Woolman must never sleep.
But when the door opened wider and she saw Janet standing there in her long white nightgown, Grace’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Janet?” she said, and the girl looked over at her, her expression one of a person who has just been caught up to no good. “It’s all right, I was awake already.”
Janet stayed where she was for a moment and looked at Grace with an unreadable expression. With a sinking feeling, Grace wondered if they were already to go back to exactly the point they had left off and she knew she wasn’t ready for that just yet.
“Are you all right?” Grace went on, determined to make some sort of normal conversation. “You had quite a day of it yesterday.”
“I’m all right, thank you,” Janet said sheepishly as she inched further into the room. “Are you all right?”
Grace could have fallen out of bed with shock.
“Well, yes. I’m a bit tired, but I’m doing well, thank you.”
Janet just nodded, still looking sheepish. She inched into the room further still and finally let her eyes stray to the little crib which stood just a few feet from Grace’s bed.
She looked back at Grace and her curiosity was something she couldn’t hide. Grace realized then that Janet had come sneaking in to have a look at the baby.
“You can have a look at her if you like,” Grace said and wondered if that really was such a good idea.
For an awful moment, she imagined that Janet already despised the baby as much as she despised the mother and she felt herself tense just a little.
“I’ll be real quiet,” Janet said in a whisper, as if to demonstrate just how quiet she could be.
“I know.” Grace gave a smile of encouragement and felt it was as much for herself as for Janet.
Janet’s attention was immediately on the crib and she tip-toed across in a curious sideways motion, like a crab. She peered cautiously over the rim of the cot as if the baby might be wide awake and ready to bite her, and Grace had to stifle a laugh.
“She’s so small.” Janet turned to look at Grace with surprise. “I didn’t think she’d be so little.”
“Well, I guess I’m glad she wasn’t any bigger,” Grace said with a laugh. “But she’ll grow in no time. She’s a hungry little baby.”
“I think she’s snoring.” Janet was surprised again. “I didn’t know babies could snore.”
“She definitely snores. She snored on and off all night.”
“Does she have a name yet? I asked Daddy last night and he said you hadn’t decided.” Janet looked at her hopefully and Grace realized that she wanted to be the first to get the news.
Something about it touched Grace and gave her a little hope that all might not be lost for Janet. She had chosen a name in the night as she’d listened to her little one snoring and she was more than glad to have Janet be the first to know.
“I’ve named her Katherine. But we’ll call her Katie,” Grace said with a smile. “What do you think?”
“Katie,” Janet said thoughtfully and looked back down at the baby. “Yes. It suits her.” She looked back at Grace and nodded her approval.
“And little Katie has a lot to learn about life, I guess,” Grace began.
“Yes,” Janet said absently as she continued to peer in at the sleeping bundle.
“It takes a whole family to look after a baby. To teach her and play with her. They need a real lot of fuss, you know.”
“Yes, they do.” Janet spoke with the sort of adult sense that was always so sweet in a child. “Lots of looking after. And playing with.” She was speaking quietly to herself again.
Grace watched in silence for a moment, once again sensing that she needed to let Janet set her own pace. She could see a little movement and knew it wouldn’t be long before Katie was wide awake and looking for her next meal.
“She’s starting to wake up,” Janet said and looked back at Grace with some concern.
“It will take a moment or two for her to wake up properly. She will wriggle around for a little while first.”
“She won’t know who I am.”
“She soon will. Maybe you should tell her.”
“Hello, Katie,” Janet began a little self-consciously. “I am Janet Lacey.” Once again, Grace had to bite her lip to hold back her amusement at the curiously formal little introduction.
“I don’t think she can hear me.”
“Don’t worry, she can hear you. Look, she’s moving even more.”
“Oh, you’re awake,” Janet said in a whisper. “Your eyes are open.” She leaned in a little further.
“It’s all right, Janet, you can touch her if you want to.” Grace was surprised when Janet turned and smiled at her excitedly. “Go on, just stroke her cheek.”
Janet leaned in further still and reached out her hand.
“She likes that.” Janet turned to Grace as if to impart some wisdom. “She likes that very much.”
“Good, I’m glad.”
“Hello, Katie. You’re warm and very pink. You’re real pretty too, and I reckon the pinkness will wear off soon, so you don’t need to worry about that. I don’t reckon you’ll be pink forever.” In no time at all, it was as if Janet had entirely forgotten herself. “And you’ll get bigger too, so that’s another thing you don’t have to worry about.”
Grace was caught between being amused and touched and blinked hard at the little tears of emotion which sprang to her eyes. The truth was she had been blinking hard at little tears of emotion ever since she had given birth to the beautiful little girl and she thought it might be a good long while yet before she managed to get those emotions under control again.
“But until you get bigger, I’ll help you. You won’t be able to walk for a while, most babies can’t. You’ll soon be able to crawl around though, just like Jimmy’s sister’s baby. She was crawling around in no time.”
As Janet continued to speak, Grace could hear Katie gurgling. She wanted to get out of bed and watched more closely, to enjoy the little moment, but she didn’t want to distract Janet in the slightest.
“I know I’m not really her sister.” Janet surprised Grace by turning to speak to her once again. “I mean, she’s not my blood sister. But I suppose she could still be my sister anyway, couldn’t she? Nothing would really be different, would it?”
“Nothing would be different at all, Janet,” Grace said and fought to keep the tremor of emotion out of her voice. “And I’m sure that Katie would love to have you as a sister. She’d be real proud, I’m sure of it.”
“And I could even be the one to look after her sometimes, couldn’t I?” Janet said excitedly. “I mean, I’m nearly thirteen and all. That’s ol
d enough to help, isn’t it?”
“Thirteen is more than old enough to help. And I sure would be glad if you would help me with her. After all, I never had a baby before, and I don’t think it’s as easy as all that.”
“I expect not,” Janet said with that curious pretense at wisdom. “And I wouldn’t mind helping you,” she added.
“Well, that sure is nice of you. I feel more content now knowing that I have somebody else to help me look after baby Katie.” Grace could hardly believe that they truly had turned that corner.
“Daddy will help too. He was real nervous yesterday, real scared that you and the baby would come to some harm. And then when Mrs. Woolman told him that you were both fine, he was real happy. He even went out into the garden for a minute on his own.”
“Well then, I’m really lucky, aren’t I? Having you and your daddy to help me with baby Katie.”
“Don’t you worry about a thing, Katie.” Janet turned her attention back to the baby. “I’m going to help your ma to look after you and everything will be just fine. And then one day you will get to go to school, just like me, but you’ve got to remember to do your reading. You’ve got be a good girl, really, otherwise you’ll end up in all sorts of trouble.”
It seemed again that Janet had completely forgotten herself and Grace closed her eyes to enjoy the moment.
“And hopefully in a few days you’ll get to meet Jimmy. You’ll like Jimmy, and he’s very good with babies. He’s my friend, my best friend, and you’ll get to see him when my daddy lets me play with him again.” Katie began to stir and protest a little.
“There, there,” Janet said as if she had heard it somewhere else. “There, there, Katie,” she said again, but Katie continued to grumble. “She’s getting upset.” Janet looked back at Grace.
Grace began to move, trying to get herself painfully to her feet.
“I can lift her,” Janet said with wide, hopeful eyes. “If you’re too sore to get out of bed, I could bring her over. I’d be real careful, I promise.”