by Indiana Wake
That was, of course, until Janet decided to turn everything upside down as always.
It certainly wasn’t the first time the two of them had been left alone since the incident with the yellow dress, and Janet had been quiet all morning, so Grace didn’t have any particular concerns.
But she soon became aware that the child had come into the sitting room and settled herself down in her father’s chair before staring across at her in the old way.
Something about Janet’s return to form made Grace suddenly angry and she bit down hard on her lower lip to stop herself from saying something regrettable. But Janet just continued to stare and stare and Grace, concentrating hard on a book she was no longer reading, realized that the girl was already sensing her own victory. Nothing had changed, and nothing ever would. And Grace had had enough.
“And just what are you staring at?” Grace said in such a harsh tone that Janet looked taken aback at first.
“I wasn’t staring at all,” Janet said defensively.
“I’m not going back to the way things were, Janet. I’m just not going to put up with your behavior the way I have done.”
“I’ve been good all week.”
“You’ve done a very good impression of being good, especially around the house and around your daddy. But you should know that Miss Martin has spoken to him again and he knows full well that you’ve been acting up in the schoolroom. And he knows full well that you’re behind with your reading again.”
“Why do you care?”
“Why wouldn’t I care, Janet? Isn’t that the question you should be asking?” Grace let out a great sigh. “I tried to help you with your reading and I thought we were getting somewhere. Not just with the reading, but with us.” Grace knew that she would have to tread carefully because her own patience was wearing very thin. “Then you just went right on and threw it back in my face, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t tear the dress, I fell.”
“Ah, I see you know exactly what I’m talking about,” Grace said a little sharply and then quickly tempered her tone. “But I’m not going to argue with you about that. It’s enough to know what you did.”
“Well, Daddy hasn’t spoken to me about my reading,” Janet said in a tone that suggested she was about to go full flight into feeling sorry for herself. “He obviously doesn’t care.”
“Janet, don’t you dare!” Grace’s tumble into anger was inevitable, it had been all along. “Don’t you dare say your daddy doesn’t care for you. From what I’ve seen, all he does is care about you. All he does is worry about you. He has tried every way imaginable to help you, to make you see how much he loves you, you just won’t have it, will you? And then, when he tries something else, you immediately start complaining that he doesn’t care for you. And that’s the way you like things, isn’t it? Stamping around this world full of anger because you’ve decided that nobody cares for you. And you know something, Janet?” Grace could not have stopped herself now if her life depended on it. “You want to turn people away. You want to be able to take the high ground and say that nobody cares. And all this silliness, all this spite, just to prove to yourself in the end that they really do care. Wouldn’t it just be easier to accept the love that people are trying to give you? Wouldn’t it just be easier to believe them instead of acting in this appalling way all the time just to force them to prove it?”
“You don’t know anything about it, you don’t know anything about anything. You don’t understand, and you never will.”
“Understand what?”
“Understand what it’s like to lose your ma,” Janet said angrily.
“Do you honestly think I don’t understand grief, you selfish little girl?” Grace was absolutely furious. “For God’s sake, my husband had only been dead two weeks when I came here to work for your daddy. Two weeks!” Grace’s voice had risen to a shout. “And what did you care about that? It didn’t bother you a bit as you continued to do everything in your power to make me feel uncomfortable, to make me leave here with no job and no way to survive. And you talk about other people not caring!”
Janet began to fidget wildly in her seat and it was clear to Grace that the child had no idea what to say.
And she knew in her heart that it wasn’t an argument of equals. Janet was, in the end, no match for her. She was a child, a grief-stricken, angry, frightened child, but still Grace knew things couldn’t go on as they had done. And still she could not rein in her own anger at the thoughtlessness of Janet Lacey.
“So, you see, Janet, I do know what it’s like to lose someone. When the people around me offered love and support, when they did everything they could to help me, I accepted it. I didn’t blame them for what had happened, I didn’t blame them for things outside of their control.”
“I didn’t say I blamed you.”
“You didn’t need to, Janet. Why else would you treat me the way you do? And why else would you carry on behaving in a way that does nothing but break your daddy’s heart day in day out? I am so sorry for the loss you suffered, sorrier than you’ll ever know, but it’s time you stopped treating other people so badly, because in the end you’re hurting yourself as much as you’re hurting them. You’re a bright girl, Janet, and I know you know this is true. You don’t have to like me; to be honest, I’m past caring whether you ever do, but for God’s sake show your father some love and respect before you finish him off completely.” Grace didn’t care how accusing she sounded, she wasn’t going to be disrespected by a child in the matter of her own grief, the passing of her own husband.
But her words seemed to have hit home rather too firmly and Janet, tears streaming down her face, scrambled to her feet.
Without a word, Janet ran from the room and Grace could hear the kitchen door fly back against the wall it was opened so forcefully.
She got to her feet awkwardly and made her way into the kitchen. Looking out through the open door, she could see Janet fleeing around the side of the house toward the back.
Grace followed her, slowly at first, but when she saw Janet clamber over the low fence at the back and off north along the river, she knew she would have to go after her.
The fence wouldn’t ordinarily have been a problem, but Grace felt so heavy that she was exhausted by the time she stepped down on the other side of it. Janet was only barely still in sight, tearing along the river bank with her wayward curls flying out behind her.
Grace quickened her pace, perspiring profusely, her heart already beating so loudly she could feel it in her throat. She ought to have stopped, slowed down at least, but she wanted to catch up with Janet.
After everything she’d said to her, she knew she couldn’t leave the child out there alone.
Still, Grace didn’t regret much of what she’d said, it was true after all. But she did regret not waiting until she was in a better position to deal with the aftermath and realized, as her breath came faster and faster, that it had been a foolhardy thing to let her own emotions get away from her at such a time.
And Janet, after all, was still just a child. The same child she had always been, only one who was in great pain. It wasn’t an excuse, but it certainly was an explanation.
As Janet ran, she looked behind her periodically to see if Grace was gaining on her. But the gap between them widened and it was clear to Grace that she was never going to catch up with the child. But she couldn’t just stop, she couldn’t just leave her.
Finally, Grace slowed her pace to walking, but the heat of the day was already getting to her. She began to feel lightheaded, and very likely would have passed out altogether had it not been for the sudden searing pain in her belly.
She cried out in shock and fear as her waters broke and she tumbled forward onto the ground. When the second spasm of pain came, it was so quick and so severe that it forced Grace to curl up into a tight ball, her arms wrapped around her belly as she cried out again.
In that moment, she forgot all about Janet. There was another child who
needed her care. She had the most awful feeling that she would give birth there and then, all alone on the riverbank.
If only it hadn’t been so hot, if only she didn’t feel as if she could hardly catch her breath, Grace very likely wouldn’t have slowly slipped into unconsciousness the way she did. But as the third wave of pain hit her, she felt hotter and sicker than she had ever done in her life and, when the blackness came, she welcomed it.
“Grace! Grace!” she very likely wouldn’t have come around so quickly had it not been for the high-pitched screaming of Janet. “Grace! Open your eyes, please open your eyes!”
As Grace slowly opened her eyes, the lids flickering against the glare of the sun she seemed to be staring up into, she was surprised by the look of sheer terror on Janet’s face.
“Are you all right? Can you get up?” She could hardly believe that the child had come back for her.
No doubt she had seen her tumble or had glanced back and seen her on the ground. But the way things were between them now, Grace would have fully expected Janet to shrug her shoulders and keep running. All the time, preparing her story for her father, making ready to tell him that she had no idea that Grace was there, no idea that she was chasing her.
But she hadn’t left her there, she had come back for her. She stood over her, shaking, her eyes filling with frightened tears, a young girl with no idea how to deal with what was in front of her. And at that moment, Grace knew she had handled everything so very badly.
“I’m all right, I’m not hurt,” Grace said in a weak voice that wouldn’t have reassured anybody. “It’s just that the baby’s coming.”
“Now?” Janet’s green eyes flew wide open as her fear heightened. “Right this minute?”
“No, but very, very soon.” Grace tried to smile at her. “I need you to run and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?”
Janet didn’t say a word, she just nodded vigorously before turning to pound away.
Chapter 15
When Josh saw the look on Janet’s face, he knew something was very wrong. She was pale, and her eyes were wide and glassy, tell-tale signs that his daughter was in shock.
“Where is she?” he asked and began to move at speed; he knew it must be Grace.
“The riverbank,” Janet croaked and set off at a run before he could ask her what on earth Grace was doing there.
He ran fast, surprised by the speed and agility of Janet as she tore along in front of him. They had run some way before he saw Grace lying on the ground in the distance. His mouth went dry and he felt nauseous.
Still running, he squinted hard, concentrating his vision in the hopes of seeing some movement from her. But she seemed to be entirely still, and he felt something dull and heavy in his stomach. He couldn’t lose her, not now. Not ever.
By the time he reached her, Josh was panting hard, every breath of dry, dusty air stinging his throat. He could see with relief that Grace had begun to move. Only a little, but enough to let him know that she was still alive.
She didn’t make a sound and the only thing that Josh could hear was the pounding of his own heart in his ears and his daughter’s frightened sobs. He dropped to his knees and leaned over her, gently stroking her face and praying that the brown eyes would open.
“I’m here, Grace,” he said gently as she began to stir even more.
“Peter?” she said before her eyes opened and she blinked rapidly.
He knew that she was confused, but when she truly needed somebody there for her, Josh Lacey was not the person Grace wanted. She wanted Peter, the father of her baby, not him.
“I’m going to need to pick you up, Grace. I need to get you back into the house.” Josh knew he had to be practical, his own heart would have to wait.
Grace and her baby needed him to concentrate, to do all the right things.
“The baby’s coming, Josh,” she said, and he was relieved to hear his own name spoken.
“I know,” he said and laughed gently. “I guessed that much. Come on, let me get you up.”
By the time he had carried her into the house, Josh was exhausted. His shirt was soaked through with perspiration and his eyes were stinging from the droplets which had fallen into them from his forehead. The heat was unbearable, and he couldn’t imagine how Grace was going to manage such an arduous task in such conditions.
He carried her into her room and laid her down on her bed, all the while talking to her, trying to keep her calm. But this was her first child, her first birth, and he knew from experience just how frightening that could be for a woman.
Grace was wide awake now and Josh could see that she did, indeed, look afraid, although it was clear that she was trying to hide it. He wanted more than anything to sit on the side of the bed, to hold her hand and stroke her cheek and tell her that everything would be all right. He wanted to be her husband, really be her husband, he wanted to welcome the child into the world as if it were his own, with the same excitement he had felt when Janet was born.
And the truth was he probably would have done all those things without a second thought had she not spoken the one word that was certain to remind him that he was not the man in her heart. He was not Peter and he never would be.
“Josh?” Grace looked up at him expectantly when he had stood still and silent for some moments.
“It’s all right, everything is going to be all right.” He turned to Janet who was still sobbing and hovering in the doorway. “Janet, I need you to run down into town and get Mrs. Woolman.”
“Mrs. Woolman?” Janet repeated timidly.
“Yes, you know Mrs. Woolman from Church.”
“The lady who helps to birth all the babies?” It was clear that Janet was nervous and clearer still that she didn’t want to make a mistake and somehow come back with the wrong woman.
Josh couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, but there was no other way. It had to be her who went down into the town, he couldn’t risk leaving her there with Grace. If Grace’s baby came sooner rather than later, Janet wouldn’t know where to begin.
“That’s right honey, that’s the woman.”
“And what if I can’t find her? What if she isn’t there, Daddy?” Janet was certainly asking all the right questions, albeit from fear.
“Then you run on down to the doctor and ask him to get here soon as he can.” He smiled at her. “Have you got that?” he asked her gently.
“Yes, Daddy,” she said and cast a miserable look over at Grace before turning to set off for town.
“Josh?” Grace said in a tiny voice.
“I’m here.” He crouched at the side of the bed and looked into her fearful brown eyes.
“I think you’re going to need to put some water on the stove. When Mrs. Woolman gets here, she’ll probably need some hot water.” She spoke gently, almost coaxing him into action.
“Oh yes, of course,” Josh said and knew that he would have to pull himself together in a minute.
Grace needed him, and it was time for him to shake himself out of his own self-pity and get on with it. He’d never offered Grace love, that wasn’t the deal. He had structured his proposal of marriage to suit himself and he was going to have to live with it, however much his feelings had changed.
“I’m going to leave the door open and if you need anything, you just holler, all right?”
“All right.”
Josh hurried away into the kitchen and, the moment he was working, doing something practical to help, he began to feel better. He began to put things into perspective with greater ease, and the diversion of boiling water and setting out piles of clean linen and cloth was certainly very welcome.
By the time he had gathered everything he thought Mrs. Woolman might need, Josh had begun to feel like his old self again. He was able to return to Grace’s bedroom and sit himself down on the side of her bed, just as he ought to have done in the first place. He was able to take her hand, stroke her cheek, and tell her that everything would be all right.
> He was able to comfort her, to be there for her, to support her just as he had promised to do all those months ago when he had proposed marriage.
As she lay on the bed waiting for Mrs. Woolman to arrive, Grace could hardly believe that she hadn’t given birth already. When she had laid out on the riverbank, the three sharp pains coming in quick succession, she had assumed that her baby would arrive in the world within a matter of minutes. But now the pain seemed to have eased off and she felt as if she had been laying in the bed for hours.
She knew she couldn’t have been, of course, because Josh had only just finished with the water and the linen.
And when he had disappeared again, only to return with a bowl of cool water and a cloth, Grace began to feel a little more confident. The shock was wearing off and Josh had returned to the confident, capable man she knew him to be.
The cool water was welcome, as was his touch through the damp cloth as he dabbed at her face and forehead. It was comforting, reassuring.
Once he had mopped the perspiration from her face, he set the bowl down and returned to holding her hand. She realized that they’d never held hands before, despite the fact that they had been married for so many months. Of course, holding hands was never part of the plan, and so it was quite natural that he would never have attempted it.
They had embraced, albeit as a comfort to her when Janet had behaved so badly, and that was about all.
As Grace lay there drifting in and out of sleep, she thought of that embrace. She remembered how she had fallen against him and cried for all she was worth, and she remembered how she had looked back upon it later and known that her tears weren’t entirely Janet’s fault.
With her eyes closed and the feel of Josh’s warm hand in hers, she realized that her tears on that day had been tears of relief. It was the comfort of being in his arms, so unexpectedly, when she had thought that she would never be embraced by a man again as long as she lived.
And she had missed that closeness, that truest comfort, in the long months since Peter died. Grace had been so overwhelmed with emotion that she had cried all the more and Josh had held her all the tighter.