The Ghost Variations

by Kevin Brockmeier

  NINETY-NINE

  THE CENSUS

  On the day of the Divine Census, when, as was His custom, God brought the world to a halt to conduct a head count, He discovered to His alarm that the imaginary beings outnumbered the real ones. Always before their sums had been exactly the same, soul for soul and integer for integer. For every elf, ghost, yeti, doppelgänger, mermaid, fairy, or elemental, there was a person of flesh and blood, and for every person of flesh and blood, there was an elf, ghost, yeti, etc. This was the hidden equation that held the world together, dating back to the days of Adam (real), Eve (real), Satan (imaginary), and Lilith (who for just that reason had been obliged to become a demon, and thus imaginary). Alter the balance in either direction, God knew, and Creation would spill out of itself like a raindrop; He was surprised, frankly, that it hadn’t already. Acting from the most abundant caution, He took a second tally. The discrepancy was still apparent. There was no such thing as a trivial incongruity when it came to the Census—one was equal to one, always and absolutely. Still, a half-dozen dryads and a gremlin or two He might have understood. In this case, though, the numbers were completely out of whack, differing not just by the hundreds but by the hundreds of thousands. Clearly, He had some work to do. And so, like the watchmaker people so frequently supposed Him to be, He began making minute adjustments to the machinery of reality, twisting various pieces to render actual beings fictitious and fictitious beings actual. He started by restoring the ghosts to life, but this tipped the scales of existence too far toward the material. So He transformed a few of the living back into ghosts—first the Omars and then, when the totals still were not even, the Sallys. After each new tweak He performed another calculation, watching from above as people retrieved and lost their human lines. All this ghostliness, He determined, was getting Him nowhere. So He turned His hand to the angels and the giants, the trolls and archbishops, to child stars, forest gnomes, commodities traders between the ages of thirty-six and thirty-seven. Figures both plain and fantastic either waned out of existence or budded into it. Finally their numbers were nearly identical, with only a two-being difference in favor of the real. The solution was obvious. With a gentle flourish of His will, God rearranged Himself from a genuine figure into an imaginary one. At once, and thenceforward, the world pursued its course unwittingly, intrinsically, and independently—without, that is to say, Him. The majority of theologians regard this as His most impressive feat to date.

  ONE HUNDRED

  THE MOST TERRIFYING GHOST STORY EVER WRITTEN

  The most terrifying ghost story ever written originated in an obscure pocket dialect of the Himalayas in the middle years of the nineteenth century. It entered the English-speaking world in 1898, when the Canadian missionary to whom it had been entrusted some twenty years earlier published a translation with L. C. Page & Company under the title “The Devouring Mask of Nanqi Zhang.” In an afterword, the missionary noted that the stone and cedar village that had birthed the manuscript once harbored roughly three hundred inhabitants, a spare dozen of whom were lettered enough to write, though by 1895, he said, when he attempted a second visit, it had been abandoned altogether, the houses engulfed by the scree and the dirt. At first the volume sold modestly. A 1937 screen adaptation, however, starring Luise Rainer and Fredric March, and released as “A Ghost in the Hills,” brought an enduring cult celebrity to the tale. It has remained in print ever since, issued by a half-dozen distinct presses, under a half-dozen disparate titles, and in a half-dozen independent yet bizarrely matching translations. By 1960, when the book’s copyright lapsed, the eldritch dramatics of its style were considered quaint if not downright fusty, so an editor at Farrar, Straus & Cudahy commissioned a new translation. The professor who undertook the project declined to consult the missionary’s edition, working instead from a photostat of the original manuscript. No one, he claimed, was more surprised by the result than he. Every sentence, every paragraph, had come out exactly the same. It seemed impossible, yet the new edition, released to much fanfare, was interchangeable with the first. Only the title differentiated it: what had been “The Devouring Mask of Nanqi Zhang” was now, by editorial fiat, “Widowman Chu and the Whisper in the Night.” Since then, five more translations have followed, each produced without recourse to any of the earlier efforts but identical down to the last comma, the last subordinate clause, except for the titles: The Woodcutter and the Snow Woman, The Dark Maw of the Forest, Into My Arms, Into My Teeth, For I Will Drink Your Blood Like Water, and, most recently, Why, Darling, Why. Though the translators have adopted a variety of working practices, ranging from the metaphrastic to the idiomatic, each of them has reported feeling, upon turning their pen to the material, as if their intentions had been swallowed by some greater force. There may be some truth to this assertion. For the fact is that despite the book’s grizzled plot and the weaknesses of its prose, it has garnered more acclaim with each new publication. Scholars have suggested that it may be the first text in history impervious not to translation but to change.

  A Partial Concordance of Themes

  GHOSTS AND ANIMALS Fourteen. Elephants, Fifteen. The White Mare, Sixteen. Many Additional Animals, Seventeen. Bees, Twenty-nine. Minnows, Thirty. A Story Swaying Back and Forth, Thirty-nine. There Are People, They Had Lives, Forty-six. Playtime, Eighty-four. A Second True Story, Ninety-one. Parakeets

  GHOSTS AND PLANTS Eighteen. A Blight on the Landscape, Nineteen. An Ossuary of Trees, Twenty. Things That Fall from the Sky, Twenty-one. A Story with a Drum Beating Inside It, Twenty-three. Renewable Resources, Thirty. A Story Swaying Back and Forth, Forty-six. Playtime

  GHOSTS AND SOLITUDE Two. The Guidance Counselor, Twelve. A Gathering, Twenty-nine. Minnows, Thirty-six. A Blackness Went Fluttering By, Forty-five. The Walls, Forty-nine. A Story Seen in Glimpses Through the Mist, Fifty-four. Bouquet, Fifty-five. The Mud Odor of the Snow Melting in the Fields, Sixty-three. Which Are the Crystals, Which the Solution, Sixty-nine. The Apostrophes, Seventy. A Man in a Mirror, Ninety-three. Roughly Eighty Grams

  GHOSTS AND COMPANIONSHIP Five. Amnesia, Twelve. A Gathering, Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, Thirty-eight. His Womanhood, Forty-three. Spectrum, Forty-four. Every House Key, Every Fire Hydrant, Every Electrical Outlet, Fifty-two. So Many Songs, Fifty-four. Bouquet, Fifty-six. Instrumentology, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost Gone, Sixty-seven. Lost and Found, Sixty-nine. The Apostrophes, Seventy-one. Turnstiles, Seventy-two. A True Story, Seventy-four. Knees, Seventy-seven. Too Late, Seventy-eight. Detention, Seventy-nine. I Like Your Shoes, Eighty-three. Ghost Brothers, Eighty-four. A Second True Story, Eighty-six. Extraordinary Gifts, Eighty-nine. Hatching, Ninety-three. Roughly Eighty Grams, Ninety-six. Dusk and Other Stories

  GHOSTS AND HEARTBREAK One. A Notable Social Event, Sixty-three. Which Are the Crystals, Which the Solution, Sixty-eight. Another Man in a Mirror, Seventy. A Man in a Mirror, Seventy-two. A True Story, Seventy-three. Bullets and What It Takes to Dodge Them, Seventy-five. The Man She Is Trying to Forget, Seventy-six. The Eternities, Seventy-seven. Too Late, Eighty-five. A Life, Ninety-three. Roughly Eighty Grams

  GHOSTS AND CHILDHOOD Twenty-seven. The Midpoint, Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, Forty-four. Every House Key, Every Fire Hydrant, Every Electrical Outlet, Forty-six. Playtime, Forty-seven. All His Life, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost Gone, Sixty-seven. Lost and Found, Seventy-eight. Detention, Eighty-one. A Source of Confusion, Eighty-two. Unseeable, Untouchable, Eighty-three. Ghost Brothers, Eighty-four. A Second True Story, Ninety-seven. Telephone

  GHOSTS AND OLD AGE Twenty-seven. The Midpoint, Forty-five. The Walls, Fifty. A Lifetime of Touch, Fifty-two. So Many Songs, Fifty-four. Bouquet, Seventy-three. Bullets and What It Takes to Dodge Them, Eighty. The Ghost’s Disguise, Ninety-six. Dusk and Other Stories

  GHOSTS AND FAMILY Eighty. The Ghost’s Disguise, Eighty-one. A
Source of Confusion, Eighty-five. A Life, Eighty-six. Extraordinary Gifts, Eighty-seven. An Inherited Disorder, Eighty-eight. Prayer from an Airport Terminal

  GHOSTS AND TIME Six. A Long Chain of Yesterdays, Seven. The Hitchhiker, Twenty-three. Renewable Resources, Twenty-four. Thirteen Visitations, Twenty-five. The Office of Hereafters and Dissolutions, Twenty-six. An Obituary, Twenty-seven. The Midpoint, Twenty-eight. The Whirl of Time, Twenty-nine. Minnows, Thirty. A Story Swaying Back and Forth, Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, Thirty-six. A Blackness Went Fluttering By, Forty. The Soldiers of the 115th Regiment, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost Gone, Fifty-nine. A Lesser Feeling, Seventy-six. The Eternities, Eighty-two. Unseeable, Untouchable, Eighty-seven. An Inherited Disorder, Ninety-five. A Matter of Linguistics

  GHOSTS AND SPACE Eleven. A Moment, However Small, Twenty-nine. Minnows, Thirty-two. The Phantasm vs. the Statue, Thirty-four. Passengers, Thirty-five. New Life, New Civilizations, Thirty-six. A Blackness Went Fluttering By, Thirty-nine. There Are People, They Had Lives, Forty-nine. A Story Seen in Glimpses Through the Mist, Fifty-three. A Matter of Acoustics, Sixty. A Small Disruption of Reality, Sixty-two. Real Estate, Sixty-four. Countless Strange Couplings and Separations, Sixty-six. 666, Ninety. Bilateral Symmetry

  GHOSTS AND BALANCE Ten. The Scales of Fortune, Sixteen. Many Additional Animals, Seventeen. Bees, Eighteen. A Blight on the Landscape, Twenty-one. A Story with a Drum Beating Inside It, Twenty-seven. The Midpoint, Thirty. A Story Swaying Back and Forth, Thirty-eight. His Womanhood, Forty-two. The Way the Ring of a Moat Becomes Comforting to a Fish, Forty-eight. Take It with Me, Fifty-six. Instrumentology, Sixty-one. The Abnormalist and the Usualist, Eighty-one. A Source of Confusion, Eighty-three. Ghost Brothers, Ninety. Bilateral Symmetry

  GHOSTS AND IMBALANCE Twelve. A Gathering, Twenty-five. The Office of Hereafters and Dissolutions, Twenty-six. An Obituary, Thirty-three. Footprints, Thirty-five. New Life, New Civilizations, Thirty-nine. There Are People, They Had Lives, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost Gone, Sixty-three. Which Are the Crystals, Which the Solution, Sixty-seven. Lost and Found, Seventy-one. Turnstiles, Eighty-seven. An Inherited Disorder, Ninety-three. Roughly Eighty Grams, Ninety-nine. The Census

  GHOSTS AND TECHNOLOGY Fourteen. Elephants, Sixteen. Many Additional Animals, Twenty-two. The Sandbox Initiative, Twenty-three. Renewable Resources, Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, Thirty-four. Passengers, Thirty-five. New Life, New Civilizations, Thirty-seven. The Prism, Thirty-eight. His Womanhood, Eighty-two. Unseeable, Untouchable, Ninety-seven. Telephone

  GHOSTS AND NUMBERS Twenty-five. The Office of Hereafters and Dissolutions, Forty-five. The Walls, Sixty-six. 666, Seventy-seven. Too Late, Seventy-nine. I Like Your Shoes, Eighty-two. Unseeable, Untouchable, Ninety-eight. Numbers, Ninety-nine. The Census

  GHOSTS AND LETTERS Seventy-seven. Too Late, Seventy-nine. I Like Your Shoes, Ninety-four. The Ghost Letter, One Hundred. The Most Terrifying Ghost Story Ever Written

  GHOSTS AND STORYTELLING Three. A Hatchet, Several Candlesticks, a Pincushion, and a Top Hat, Fourteen. Elephants, Nineteen. An Ossuary of Trees, Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, One Hundred. The Most Terrifying Ghost Story Ever Written

  GHOSTS AND POP CULTURE Nine. How to Play, Thirteen. Mira Amsler, Thirty-five. New Life, New Civilizations

  GHOSTS AND BORROWED STORIES Seven. The Hitchhiker, Eleven. A Moment, However Small, Fourteen. Elephants, Twenty-five. The Office of Hereafters and Dissolutions, Thirty-three. Footprints, Thirty-five. New Life, New Civilizations, Fifty-one. The Runner-Up, Eighty-seven. An Inherited Disorder, Ninety-nine. The Census

  GHOSTS AND THE BIBLE Fifteen. The White Mare, Thirty-three. Footprints, Sixty-one. The Abnormalist and the Usualist, Sixty-two. Real Estate, Sixty-five. Rapture, Sixty-six. 666, Ninety-nine. The Census

  GHOSTS AND THE COSMOS Thirty-four. Passengers, Thirty-six. A Blackness Went Fluttering By, Thirty-seven. The Prism, Eighty-one. A Source of Confusion

  GHOSTS AND HOUSES Three. A Hatchet, Several Candlesticks, a Pincushion, and a Top Hat, Nine. How to Play, Nineteen. An Ossuary of Trees, Twenty-four. Thirteen Visitations, Forty-four. Every House Key, Every Fire Hydrant, Every Electrical Outlet, Forty-five. The Walls, Fifty-three. A Matter of Acoustics, Fifty-five. The Mud Odor of the Snow Melting in the Fields, Sixty-two. Real Estate, Sixty-six. 666, Seventy. A Man in a Mirror, Seventy-four. Knees, Seventy-nine. I Like Your Shoes, Ninety-one. Parakeets, Ninety-seven. Telephone

  GHOSTS AND COLOR Fifteen. The White Mare, Forty-eight. Take It with Me, Forty-three. Spectrum, Ninety-one. Parakeets

  GHOSTS AND ART Forty-three. Spectrum, Fifty. A Lifetime of Touch, Sixty-two. Real Estate

  GHOSTS AND MUSIC Twenty-one. A Story with a Drum Beating Inside It, Fifty-one. The Runner-Up, Fifty-two. So Many Songs, Fifty-six. Instrumentology

  GHOSTS AND LITERATURE Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, Ninety-four. The Ghost Letter, Ninety-six. Dusk and Other Stories, One Hundred. The Most Terrifying Ghost Story Ever Written

  GHOSTS AND FILM Thirteen. Mira Amsler, Forty-one. Action!, Eighty-two. Unseeable, Untouchable

  GHOSTS AND ECOLOGY Twelve. A Gathering, Eighteen. A Blight on the Landscape, Nineteen. An Ossuary of Trees, Twenty-two. The Sandbox Initiative, Twenty-three. Renewable Resources, Thirty-four. Passengers

  GHOSTS AND LANGUAGE Four. Milo Krain, Eight. Wishes, Ninety-one. Parakeets, Ninety-two. Euphemisms, Ninety-three. Roughly Eighty Grams, Ninety-four. The Ghost Letter, Ninety-five. A Matter of Linguistics, Ninety-seven. Telephone, One Hundred. The Most Terrifying Ghost Story Ever Written

  GHOSTS AND THE SENSES Fourteen. Elephants, Nineteen. An Ossuary of Trees, Twenty. Things That Fall from the Sky, Thirty-seven. The Prism, Forty. The Soldiers of the 115th Regiment, Forty-two. The Way the Ring of a Moat Becomes Comforting to a Fish, Forty-three. Spectrum, Forty-four. Every House Key, Every Fire Hydrant, Every Electrical Outlet, Forty-eight. Take It with Me, Forty-nine. A Story Seen in Glimpses Through the Mist, Fifty. A Lifetime of Touch, Fifty-three. A Matter of Acoustics, Fifty-four. Bouquet, Fifty-five. The Mud Odor of the Snow Melting in the Fields, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost Gone, Fifty-eight. A Sort of Fellow, Fifty-nine. A Lesser Feeling, Sixty. A Small Disruption of Reality, Sixty-four. Countless Strange Couplings and Separations, Sixty-nine. The Apostrophes, Seventy. A Man in a Mirror, Seventy-two. A True Story, Ninety-five. A Matter of Linguistics, Ninety-seven. Telephone

  GHOSTS AND THE PAST One. A Notable Social Event, Five. Amnesia, Six. A Long Chain of Yesterdays, Twenty-six. An Obituary, Twenty-seven. The Midpoint, Twenty-nine. Minnows, Thirty-one. A Time-Travel Story with a Little Romance and a Happy Ending, Thirty-six. A Blackness Went Fluttering By, Forty-five. The Walls, Seventy-four. Knees, Eighty-two. Unseeable, Untouchable, Ninety-four. The Ghost Letter

  GHOSTS AND THE FUTURE Thirteen. Mira Amsler, Twenty-three. Renewable Resources, Twenty-seven. The Midpoint, Twenty-eight. The Whirl of Time, Thirty-four. Passengers, Thirty-five. New Life, New Civilizations

  GHOSTS AND THE LUCKY Seven. The Hitchhiker, Ten. The Scales of Fortune, Eleven. A Moment, However Small, Twelve. A Gathering, Twenty. Things That Fall from the Sky, Twenty-one. A Story with a Drum Beating Inside It, Forty-seven. All His Life, Eighty-four. A Second True Story

  GHOSTS AND THE UNLUCKY One. A Notable Social Event, Four. Milo Krain, Eight. Wishes, Nine. How to Play, Ten. The Scales of Fortune, Thirteen. Mira Amsler, Fifteen. The White Mare, Eighteen. A Blight on the Landscape, Twenty-three. Renewable Resources, Twenty-five. The Office of Hereafters and Dissolutions, Thirty-three. Footprints, Thirty-four. Passengers, Thirty-seven. The Prism, Forty. The Soldiers of the 115th Regiment, Forty-six. Playtime, Fifty-one. The Runner-Up, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost
Gone, Fifty-nine. A Lesser Feeling, Sixty-two. Real Estate, Sixty-three. Which Are the Crystals, Which the Solution, Sixty-four. Countless Strange Couplings and Separations, Sixty-five. Rapture, Sixty-six. 666, Sixty-eight. Another Man in a Mirror, Sixty-nine. The Apostrophes, Seventy. A Man in a Mirror, Seventy-seven. Too Late, Eighty-five. A Life, Eighty-six. Extraordinary Gifts, Eighty-eight. Prayer from an Airport Terminal, Eighty-nine. Hatching, Ninety-one. Parakeets, Ninety-three. Roughly Eighty Grams, Ninety-eight. Numbers

  GHOSTS AND THE FEELING THAT ONE MIGHT JUST AS WELL LIE DOWN AND NEVER GET UP AGAIN One. A Notable Social Event, Twenty-eight. The Whirl of Time, Forty-one. Action!, Fifty-five. The Mud Odor of the Snow Melting in the Fields, Fifty-seven. When the Room Is Quiet, the Daylight Almost Gone, Sixty-four. Countless Strange Couplings and Separations, Seventy-two. A True Story

  GHOSTS AND THAT FEELING YOU GET IN YOUR THIRTIES AND FORTIES, AND OCCASIONALLY EVEN INTO YOUR FIFTIES, THAT YOU ARE LOST IN A BOAT AT SEA, AND THE STORM IS MAKING WAVES AS TALL AS HOUSES, AND YOU ARE JUST WAITING FOR THE BOARDS TO COME APART, AND THOUGH SOMETIMES THE STORM MIGHT SUBSIDE AND THE WATER SUDDENLY SEEM LIKE GLASS TO YOU—AND MAYBE THAT IS A LITTLE BETTER—YOU ARE STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AFTER ALL, AND YOU DON’T SEEM TO BE GOING ANYWHERE, AND THE ONLY SOLUTION THAT ACTUALLY OCCURS TO YOU IS TO TAKE OUT A GUN AND BLOW A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BOAT Two. The Guidance Counselor, Sixty-three. Which Are the Crystals, Which the Solution, Sixty-eight. Another Man in a Mirror, Seventy. A Man in a Mirror, Eighty-five. A Life