The Josh and Kat Trilogy: A Bundle of Books 1-3

by Lauren Rowe

  Kat lets out a little yelp and literally wobbles in place.

  I grasp her arm and steady her. “You okay?”

  Kat shakes her head. She’s totally losing it. She clamps her hand over her mouth.

  “You gonna barf?” I ask.

  She shakes her head again. “Keep going. I’m fine. Oh my God. Keep going, babe. Holy fuck.”

  I look at Garrett. “Don’t go anywhere, fuckwad.”

  Garrett crosses his arms over his chest, but he doesn’t move.

  “Katherine Ulla Morgan,” I say. “You’re the great love of my life. I’ll never want anyone besides you, ever, ’til the end of time, forever and ever, and I’m one hundred percent sure of that fact. You’re The One, babe. The one and only. It’s literally impossible for me to want someone else, ever, because you’re sheer perfection in every way.” I glare at Garrett. “The reasons I love you are too numerous to count, but let me tell you just a few of them while we’ve got Garrett’s undivided attention.”

  Kat whimpers.

  “You’re hysterically funny, baby. Sweet and kind. Caring and compassionate. You take care of those you love with a fierceness I’ve never witnessed before. Babe, I admire you.”

  She gasps.

  “You’re a sassy little thing,” I continue. “Good lord are you sassy. A fucking terrorist. A demon spawn. A force of nature. To call you determined is like calling a pit bull assertive.”

  Kat laughs.

  “You’re honest, Kat. Oh my fuck, do you call me on my shit. The way you don’t kiss my YOLO’d ass is one of the best things about you. You’re smart, baby. Intuitive. Clever. Bold. When I’m with you, there’s no place I’d rather be, no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just peeing in a fucking bush.”

  Kat laughs heartily through her tears.

  “You’re hell on wheels, Kat Morgan. Totally unpredictable. A heart of gold hidden beneath a layer of pure evil. And I love all of it.”

  Kat laughs again and wipes her eyes.

  “I’ll never get bored with you. It’s impossible. Never a dull moment.” I glare at Garrett. “I’m one hundred percent positive I’ll never feel the need to watch gangbang-bukkake-porn as long as you’re by my side because you’re better than any porno—better than any fantasy. With you, life is a fantasy. Every single day.”

  Kat makes a weird chortling sound, a combination of a cry and a laugh.

  I shoot daggers at Garrett again and then return my gaze to Kat. “Garrett here didn’t think you were marriage material because you’re so sexual. Let’s talk about that, shall we? Because, my love—my beautiful, sexy, feisty, funny, kinky, perverted, wonderful sick fuck—the way your motor runs so fucking hot is definitely one of the best things about you. You’re highly sexual because you’re so fucking passionate, Kat—because you’re relentlessly honest and raw and a fucking beast in every way. You should never, ever be ashamed of your amazing sexuality. It’s your superpower, baby.” I glare at Garrett again, and, for some reason, a rage rises up and boils over inside me. “Hang on a second, my love,” I say to Kat. I drop her hands and take a menacing step toward Garrett, pointing at Kat behind me. “This woman right here is a fucking unicorn,” I seethe. “She fucks like a dude and sucks a dick like nobody else.”

  Kat squeals with glee behind my shoulder.

  “In fact, she’s quite literally the best dick-sucker the world has ever seen. If there were an Olympic event in the sport of dick-sucking, Katherine Morgan would take the gold, silver, and fucking bronze.”

  Kat makes a sound of pure joy.

  “And the way she fucks? Oh my God. When it comes to fucking, this woman right here is truly gifted. If fucking were thinking, Kat Morgan would have a genius-level IQ.”

  Kat bursts out laughing and so do I.

  But Garrett isn’t laughing. Not at all. “I’m calling the cops,” he seethes.

  “Oh, shut the fuck up, Garrett. No, you’re not. Because we both know I’m in your computer right now—and what information I’ve got access to. But, for what it’s worth, I promise I’m not here to harm you today. Actually, I’m here to thank you—from the bottom of my heart. If you hadn’t been such a slut-shaming prick who was more concerned about what Mommy and Daddy would think than letting yourself be truly happy in this one fucking life, if you’d rather secretly beat off while watching porn on your computer than fuck a woman who looks like Kat every day of your life—then all I can say is, you’re my new best friend. Because, thanks to you and your tiny dick and even smaller balls, this gorgeous woman is all mine ’til the end of fucking time, praise be to God.”

  Kat makes a strangled sound.

  “Which brings me to that question I’ve got for you, Kat.”

  I turn away from Garrett, pull the closed ring box out of my pocket, and kneel down. “Katherine Ulla Morgan,” I begin, holding up the box, a huge smile on my face.

  “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” Kat shrieks.

  I pause, thinking Kat’s gonna calm down and let me get a word in edgewise, but, instead, she lets out a pained wail like she’s a spider and her eight legs are being simultaneously ripped off her body.

  “Babe,” I say. “Are you okay?”

  She nods, but she looks like she’s about to keel over.

  “Put your hands on my shoulders,” I say. “I guarantee you, when I open this box, your knees are gonna buckle, babe.”

  Kat puts her hands on my shoulders, squealing and trembling.

  I take a deep breath. “Katherine Ulla Morgan,” I begin again, beaming up at her—but before I can say another word, Kat pivots, buckles over, and barfs all over Garrett’s shoes.

  “What the fuck!” Garrett yells, jumping back.

  I burst out laughing. Oh my God. This is the best day of my life.

  “You people are fucking crazy!” Garrett shouts. “Get the fuck off my property!”

  I stand, howling with laughter. “You okay, babe?” I choke out, completely ignoring Garrett.

  Kat’s laughing hysterically right along with me. “Yeah, I’m great.” She wipes her mouth. “Oh my God. Now that’s a story for the grandchildren.”

  “I’m not gonna say it again,” Garrett says. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but—”

  I’ve suddenly got anti-freeze in my veins. In a flash, I’ve got a fistful of Garrett’s shirt in my palm and I’m slamming his backside against his front door. “My hacker’s in complete control of your computer right now, motherfucker,” I growl, “which means he’s in complete control of your life. Now, if you don’t believe me, go check your screen right now—your screen-saver is that selfie you took when you were getting blown by that hooker in Vegas.”

  Garrett’s jaw drops.

  “Go look at your laptop if you don’t believe me, cocksucker,” I grit out. “I’ll wait.”

  Garrett waffles briefly and then slams the door in our faces.

  “You need some water, PG?” I ask.

  Kat nods. “Sorry. That was so gross.” She looks down at herself. “Did I get puke on my pretty dress?”

  “Nope. Not a drop. Just all over Garrett.” I chuckle. “So fucking hilarious.”

  Kat giggles.

  “You’re sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m great.” Her face is positively glowing. “Better than great.”

  “Hang on. I’ll get some water and your toothbrush out of your duffel bag.” I sprint to the car, grab a couple bottles of water, Kat’s toothbrush, and a tube of toothpaste out of her bag, and race back to her. “Here you go, PG. Do your thing. I’ll wait.” I wink.

  She smiles sheepishly and walks toward the side of the house, but before turning the corner, she stops and turns around. “Josh, please, while I’m gone, for the love of God, don’t change your mind about what you’re planning to ask me. Please.”

  “Are you gonna say yes?” I ask.

  She clutches her heart. “Of course.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank God.”
>
  “Was there ever a doubt?”

  “Babe, when it comes to you, I’m never completely sure what the fuck you’re gonna do.”

  We beam massive, excited smiles at each other.

  “Now go brush your teeth, hot momma,” I say. “I’m gonna wanna kiss you after you say yes.”

  “Oh. Right. Okay. I’ll be right back.” She sprints around the side of the house, giggling, and disappears.

  I pull out my phone and text Henn. “The Asshole’s inside his house, looking at his computer. He was threatening to call the police. Send him a message loud and clear, would you? Make sure he knows he’s at my fucking mercy.”

  “Gotcha, boss. When he comes back out, the tiger will be nothing more than a pussy cat—I promise.”

  Kat returns from around the corner looking fresh as the morning dew at the same time Garrett opens his front door, his face bright red.

  “Motherfucker,” Garrett says. “So this is blackmail? You want money?”

  I scoff. “No, not at all. This is twenty minutes of payback for you being a total asshole to the love of my life for eight long months. I’m gonna make your life miserable for mere minutes and then leave you alone to cheat on your wife as much as you please. Of course, you deserve to have me fuck up your life irreparably, but by all accounts, your wife is a really sweet lady and totally clueless about you. So I’m not gonna do a damn thing to you, just to spare her from embarrassment. Plus, as a side note, blackmailing a guy worth a mere fraction of my net worth would be a pretty stupid thing to do, don’t you think? Yeah, that’s right, Garrett, I’ve seen your bank statements. I could buy you at least a hundred times over, fucker.” I point to Kat’s necklace. “See that? Real.” I hold up Kat’s arm like she’s a rag doll and point to her sparkling bracelet. “And this? Real. Both gifts from me—and that’s just today. Who the fuck knows what tokens of my affection I might give her for Christmas and her birthday and maybe after she sucks my dick extra nice. And do you wanna know why? Because this woman’s gonna be my wife.”

  Kat lets out a loud wail and throws her arms around me.

  I hug her to me, still looking at Garrett Asshole Bennett, my eyes burning with near-homicidal rage. “Make no mistake about it, motherfucker, any wife of mine is gonna be dripping in motherfucking diamonds, cocksucker—I promise you that.”

  Kat makes a very, very bizarre sound—a sound I couldn’t categorize if I tried—and presses her body fervently into mine, kissing my cheeks frenetically.

  “So,” I say, dodging Kat’s furious lips, “like I said, if you want us to leave and never come back, then all you’ve got to do is stand here and watch me pop the question and we’ll be on our merry way, off to fuck like rabbits for the third (but not final) time today, never to think about your pathetic, hypocritical, miserable ass ever again as long as we both shall live.” I look at Kat. “You ready, my love? It’s time for me to ask you to be my wife.”

  Kat nods, her eyes blazing. “Oh my God.”

  “But, wait. You know what? One more thing before I do that.”

  Kat throws up her hands and exhales loudly, flapping her lips together.

  I wink at her. “Patience, my love.” I look at Garrett and my jaw sets. “Apologize to my future wife for what you did to her, asshole.”

  Garrett looks flabbergasted.

  “It’s okay,” Kat says, putting her hand on my forearm. “Let’s not waste our time on—”

  “Ssh. I told you, baby. This is my fantasy, not yours.” I look at Garrett again, my eyes burning. “Tell my future wife and mother of my child you’re sorry for what you did to her. For using her. Lying to her. Slut-shaming her. You gave my future wife a complex about her superpower and now you’re gonna tell her you’re sorry.”

  Garrett’s nostrils flair. His jaw muscles pulse. He looks at Kat, not a hint of apology in his eyes. “Kat, I think you took things between us way too hard. I don’t even remember saying you weren’t ‘marriage material’—”

  “Are you calling my future wife a liar?” I bellow.

  “No,” Garrett says quickly, recoiling.

  I take a deep, shaky breath. It’s taking all my willpower not to beat this little prick to within an inch of his life. “Now apologize to my future wife. Last fucking chance.”

  Garrett looks like he’s gonna cry. “Kat, if I said that to you—which I honestly don’t even remember—”

  I lunge at Garrett and he immediately throws up his hands defensively, cowering. “Wait! Wait! If I said that, which I don’t remember—but it’s definitely possible—then all I meant was that you weren’t ‘marriage material’ for me personally. That’s all I meant, Kat.”

  Kat squints. Her nostrils flare. She’s turning into the dragon-lady before my eyes.

  “That sure didn’t sound like an apology, Garrett,” Kat says evenly. “I didn’t even hear the word ‘sorry’ pass your lips.” Kat grits her teeth. “Did you not hear my future husband? Apologize to me—and make me believe it—so this sexy man can ask me to marry him and I can say ‘hell yes.’”

  Garrett exhales a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Kat. You were great and I was an asshole and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

  “And not only that, you shouldn’t have used me to cheat on your virgin-girlfriend in the first place, asshole,” Kat says.

  Garrett clenches his jaw. “Yeah, I’m genuinely sorry about that.”

  Kat’s face magically transforms into pure sweetness. “I forgive you, Garrett. But only because I don’t give the slightest fuck about you.” Kat flashes me a truly angelic smile. “Go ahead, my darling beloved. You were saying?”

  I smile broadly. “You’re pleased with his apology?”

  “Quite pleased.”

  “All right, then. Let’s proceed.” I clear my throat. “‘My dearest Katherine, if your feelings are the same as you described to me that horrible night in the hospital, then tell me now—one word from you will silence me forever.’”

  Kat’s face lights up with instant recognition of the scene I’m portraying. She puts her hand on her heart, her face aglow. “Mr. Darcy,” she whispers, her eyes watering. “Oh, Josh.”

  I kneel down slowly, my eyes fixed on hers, and open the ring box.

  Kat gasps at the sight of the spectacular rock. “Josh! Oh my God! Josh!”

  I hold the ring up and beam a huge smile at her. “Katherine Ulla Morgan, the love of my life, the mother of my future baby girl, the Party Girl with a Hyphen and Heart of Gold: ‘You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.’”

  “Oh my God,” Kat breathes.

  I take a deep breath. My heart is racing. I’m shaking like a leaf as adrenaline suddenly floods me. “Kat, my love, will you please make me the luckiest man in the world and say yes to marrying me?”

  “Yes!” Kat shrieks, tears springing into her eyes.

  I stand and slip the ring on Kat’s finger—and she shrieks at the sight of the massive rock on her hand. She throws herself into my arms, crying and cooing and purring and basically losing her shit completely.

  “Can I go now?” Garrett says dryly.

  I break free from Kat and wipe my eyes. “Almost, Garrett. We’re really close. There’s just one more thing.”

  “For fuck’s sake,” Garrett says, rolling his eyes. “My wife’s gonna be home any minute.” He looks at his watch. “Whatever it is, say it already and get the fuck off my property and the fuck out of my computer.”

  I take Kat’s hand and squeeze it. “Kat wanted you and you rejected her,” I say. “Big mistake. Big.” I motion to Kat like I’m giving her the floor but, much to my surprise, she looks at me with wide, blank eyes, not catching my meaning. “Big mistake. Big,” I repeat. I motion to Kat again. But she’s still clueless. I throw up my hands, totally annoyed. “Aw, come on, babe,” I say. “You’re totally fucking this up, babe.”

  “I am? What am I supposed to do?”

  “You really don’t know?”
/>
  She shakes her head.

  “Babe. Duh. I’m doing the thing when Julia goes back to the ritzy clothing store in Beverly Hills after the store clerk wouldn’t help her the day before?”

  “Oh my God!” Kat slaps her palm on her forehead. “I can’t believe I didn’t get that. My brain’s not even functioning right now.” She holds up her hand, displaying her massive rock. “Who could blame me—holy shitballs, honey—this thing is causing me brain damage.” She giggles. “Okay, cue me again, honey. I’ll nail it this time.”

  “You two are fucking crazy,” Garrett says.

  “Ssh,” I say to Garrett. “Listen up, fucker.” I clear my throat, clearly cuing up the script. “Garrett, she wanted you and you rejected her,” I say. I motion to Kat, yet again.

  A huge smile spreads across Kat’s face. “Big mistake,” she says enthusiastically. “Big. Huge. Now I gotta go do some shopping.”

  “Are you people insane?” Garrett asks. “You show up at my house in fucking formal wear, blast Whitney Houston at me, and hack into my computer—and then you fucking barf on me and tell me to—oh shit.” Garrett’s eyes suddenly bug out of his head. “My wife. Oh, fuck. You gotta get the fuck out of here. Oh, God, no.”

  We all turn toward the end of the long driveway, just as a sleek black Mercedes pulls in.

  “Oh, shit,” Garrett blurts, suddenly looking panicked. “Please. I’m begging you. Don’t you dare—”

  “We won’t say a word,” I say. “Chill the fuck out, fucktard. I told you. I have no desire to hurt your wife.”

  A demure brunette walks up to us, a quizzical look on her face, looking every bit the nice girl Kat described, right down to her sweater set and the large cross around her neck.

  “What’s going on, sweetheart?” the woman asks. She nods at Kat and me. “Who are your friends?”

  I put out my hand. “Hi, I’m Kevin. And this is my wife, Whitney. Garrett and I went to school together—we played on the golf team together. Whitney and I were visiting a friend in your neighborhood on our way to a benefit gala so we thought we’d pop by and say a quick hello.”