Breathe With Me

by Kristen Proby

  Will they know anyway? Will they be with me? Can they see how happy he makes me?

  I inhale deeply as Mark wraps his arms around me from behind and kisses my head before whispering, “It’s okay, M. Just breathe through it.”

  How does he always know?

  I feel his chest move against my back in a long, deep breath and I do as he asks, taking a cleansing breath and refocusing on the here and now.

  Sam’s carrying a small bouquet of tiger lilies, her eyes are pinned to Leo’s. I glance over at the groom to find him watching his bride, his jaw dropped in awe and love and everything in me goes soft at the romantic moment.

  She passes her flowers to her mom when she hugs and kisses her before joining Leo on the small stage. He takes Sam’s hands in his and whispers something down at her that makes her cheeks blush and her smile widen.

  “Family and friends,” the tall man begins as we reclaim our seats. Mark wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to his side. “It’s my pleasure to officiate this special occasion. Samantha and Leo have asked that we make this quick, and I have to say, unconventional.”

  “Imagine that,” Will says with a chuckle. We all smile and nod.

  “This very special couple has decided to exchange rings as they recite their vows to each other. Samantha, please recite your vows to Leo.”

  Sam clears her throat and pulls a ring out of her bra, holding it up for all of us to see.

  “Best storage system ever,” Leo murmurs softly, making Sam laugh. She takes a deep breath, reaches for Leo’s hand and looks up into his eyes solemnly.

  “I promise you, Leo, until my very last breath, to fight for life, for joy, for us. To never take your actions, words and kindness for granted, and to keep leaving you secret notes when we are away from each other.” Leo grins as Sam slips his ring on his finger and continues speaking.

  “I vow to grow with you and not apart, to make my accomplishments, ours, and your challenges, mine. I will always love you deeply and honestly, as your equal and your partner. I fiercely want to grow old with you; so we can sit on our front porch on a warm summer’s eve, so we can hold our frail hands together and laugh, so I can simply be with you, and know that I am home. I was born to tell you I love you, to be your wife, to be with you, forsaking all others, for the rest of my life.”

  I watch through tear-filled eyes as Leo swallows hard, takes a ring from his pocket and looks deeply into Sam’s eyes.

  “I promise you, Samantha, my sunshine, until my very last breath, to fight for life, for joy, for us. To never take your actions, words and kindness for granted, and to write you love songs as often as possible.” Sam bites her lip, trying to keep her tears at bay, and failing.

  “I vow to grow with you and not apart, to make my accomplishments, ours, and your challenges, mine. I will always love you deeply and honestly, as your equal and your partner. I fiercely want to grow old with you; so we can sit on our front porch on a warm summer’s eve, so I can hold you in my arms, so I can simply be with you, and know that I am home. I was born to tell you I love you, to be your husband, to be with you, forsaking all others, for the rest of my life.”

  With the ring firmly on Sam’s hand, he raises it to his lips and presses a kiss on her finger. Mark hands me a tissue and kisses my cheek as the officiant steps forward to speak.

  “By the powers vested in me by the state of Nevada, it’s my pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

  “Whoop!” Mark exclaims as we all clap and whistle as Leo bends Sam backwards and kisses her breathless.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Nash!”

  “We did it!” Sam exclaims and throws her hand up to Leo for a high-five, which he happily obliges, then pulls her back in for a long, soft kiss.

  “That was amazing,” I whisper as tears continue to roll down my cheeks. “He has such a way with words.”

  “Told you,” Meg says as she mops up her own face.

  “Let’s go eat,” Will says, but holds his hands up as if in surrender. “To celebrate. We all need to celebrate.”

  “You all go,” Neil says and hugs his wife close to his side, and it’s in this moment, watching Neil cuddle his wife, kiss her tenderly on her temple as she continues to silently cry, that I realize I have this man to thank for the man Mark has become. What a wonderful example of what it is to be a good husband.

  A good man.

  “We need to get back to the babies,” Neil finishes.

  “Oh, stay just a little while longer,” Natalie says with wide eyes. “The kids are fine.”

  Lucy shakes her head and hugs her new son-in-law tightly, then cups Sam’s face in her hands and kisses her cheeks. “We want you all to celebrate. We’ll have a party for the whole family after you’re home. Have fun tonight. Enjoy yourselves.”

  “I am proud of you, baby girl,” Neil says and plants his lips on Sam’s forehead as he hugs her. “Have fun.”

  “Let’s go celebrate!” Brynna announces, clapping her hands.

  “Drinks are on Luke,” Sam says sassily, smacking her brother on his arm. “He’s loaded.”

  “So are you,” he reminds her.

  “I’m the bride. I’m not paying for anything.”

  ***

  “Why are you sitting over here all alone?” Logan asks as he joins me at the table in the corner of the semi-quiet bar we found off the strip. The music isn’t too loud, the drinks are decent and there are enough pool tables to go around our lively bunch.

  Not to mention, there aren’t many people in here tonight, so the celebrity members of our group don’t have to worry about being approached.

  “I’m just watching,” I reply with a smile and sip my drink. Mark is currently bent over a pool table, his back to me, making me drool. Dear God, what that man does to a pair of slacks!

  “I’ve never seen anything like this group,” Logan says with a laugh.

  “I’m pretty new to it too. They’re fun and welcoming…”

  “And overwhelming,” he finishes. I lean back and study the man next to me. His brown hair is messy, his green eyes lit with happiness and humor.

  “I like you.” I hold my glass up to clink with his. “I’m glad Jax found you.”

  “I like you too, gorgeous,” he replies and tips his glass to mine. “And it was me that found Jax.”

  “Really?” I lean on my elbow and give him my undivided attention. “He never told me how you met.”

  “In the grocery store.”

  “Seriously? Picking guys up in the frozen pizza section works?”

  “I believe it was over the bananas,” he says and sips his beer. “I don’t know, he looked up at me and something in me just clicked.”

  He’s watching Jax across the room chatting with Natalie and Jules. I can hear them laughing. I don’t reply, I simply wait for him to continue.

  “I’ve had a different experience than Jax,” Logan says and takes another swig of his beer. “My family is awesome. I never came out to my parents, they just always knew and accepted me for me.”

  “I’m happy for that,” I murmur.

  “Me too.” He clears his throat and shifts in his seat. “I know that Jax’s experience has been the opposite of mine, and to be honest with you, Mer, I want to hunt down his family and kick their asses.”

  “Get in line.”

  “I don’t understand how you turn away someone as awesome as he is.”

  I follow his gaze to watch Jax tuck Nat’s hair behind her ear. “He has an easy way about him,” I say. “He’s physically affectionate. Always has been. Like that, right there, when he tucked Nat’s hair behind her ear?”

  Logan nods.

  “He’s always doing stuff like that to people he knows and feels comfortable with.”

  “It took him until the second date before he’d let me hold his hand,” Logan says with a rueful shake of his head.

  “That’s because he was trying to figure out
if he could trust you or not.” I bite my lip, unsure how much to say to this man who clearly loves my best friend very much. “Does he know you love him?”

  “Yes.” He sighs and swigs his beer.

  “And Jax?”

  “He feels the same.” My heartbeat speeds up at the pure joy on Logan’s face.

  “Oh my.” I sigh wistfully. “It’s finally happened for him.”

  “And for me. Although I never had the issues with my family that Jax did with his, I’ve been selective about who I choose to have a relationship with. I’ve never told a man that I love him before.”

  “I’m so happy for you.” I rub his arm soothingly, then lean in and kiss his cheek. “So happy for both of you.”

  “Mer, you need to know, I’m going to ask him to marry me.”

  I bite my lip as the tears fill my eyes. My gaze finds Jax again across the room. He’s laughing and gesturing with his hands as he tells the girls a story. He’s my friend, but more than that, he’s my brother.

  “Today is the day for wedding talk,” I murmur with a soft smile.

  “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

  “I think it’s wonderful.”

  “You do? I need to know you’re okay with it.” Logan rubs his fingers over his mouth. They tremble slightly. “You’re his family, Mer. Your opinion matters.”

  “I love Jax with all my heart,” I answer honestly. “He’s one of the best men I know. But you know what, Logan? I think you’re one of the best men I know too. You’re lucky to have each other.”

  He lets out a gusty breath, as though he’s been holding it during the whole conversation. “Thank you.”

  “I want to be in the wedding.”

  “We wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  Chapter Twenty

  “You wanna talk about what the hell crawled up your ass and died before or after class?” Jax asks as he leans against my desk and crosses his arms over his chest. Little girls are filing in for their after-school ballet class, chattering and laughing, excited for class.

  “I’m fine,” I reply with a sigh.

  Except, I’m not fine.

  “We’ve been home for two days and you’ve been damn moody,” he mutters then pushes his fingers through his hair. “Are you and Mark fighting?”

  “No, we’re great.” It’s not a lie. Mark and I have been fantastic.

  “Something is wrong, KitKat.” He tilts my head back to look me in the eyes. “If everything with Mr. Hot Tamale is so great, why do you look so sad?”

  “I’ve just been in a funk since the wedding,” I admit softly.

  Jax tilts his head, watching me closely. “Why?”

  I jerk my shoulder up in a shrug. “It’s stupid.”

  “I doubt it.”

  I sigh and wave at a mom as she sits on a bench on the far side of the room.

  “It just reminded me that Mom, Dad and Tiff are gone and if I ever marry Mark, they won’t be here for it.”

  “That’s not stupid.”

  “It’s not stupid, but it’s silly to still be brooding about it. That would just piss Mom off.”

  “You’re grieving, sweetie. It’s okay to be sad sometimes.”

  “Yeah.” I blow out a gusty breath. “I’m starting to piss myself off, though, so it’s time to shake this mood off.”

  “GGN tonight?” Jax asks.

  “That would be fun! No plans with Mr. Lovey Pants?”

  “I can rearrange things.”

  “Meredith.” Our heads swivel toward the door at the sound of Luke’s voice.

  “What’s up?” I grin at Mark’s handsome older brother, but I feel the smile fall from my face when I see the look on his. “What happened?”

  “Jax,” he begins without breaking eye contact with me. “I need you to take care of things here. There’s been a car accident.”

  I gasp and feel my heart speed up as my entire body breaks out in cold sweat.

  “What?” My voice is a low whisper.

  “There’s been a car accident, Mer. Mark’s on his way to the hospital.”

  I blink frantically as Luke and Jax continue to talk, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. My ears are buzzing. Or is that my head? Someone takes my hand and pulls me out of the chair.

  “Meredith,” Jax says sternly, making me meet his gaze. “Breathe, baby. You go with Luke. I’ll take care of this last class and meet you at the hospital later.”

  I nod automatically as Jax passes my hand to Luke and he leads me out of the studio to his SUV, but I can’t even feel my feet. I’m just following automatically. My face suddenly feels wet.

  “Is it raining?” Is that my voice? Soft and hoarse and weak?

  “Yes, sweetheart. Come on, get in my car.”

  Luke is talking, but I don’t hear him. I lean my forehead against the cool glass of the passenger window, and I’m suddenly thirteen years old, sitting in Mrs. Yakamura’s classroom.

  “Meredith?”

  Oh geez, did I do that bad on the stupid math test? Mrs. Yakamura is staring at me with really serious eyes, like I’m in trouble or something. I didn’t do anything I can think of. I mean, she wouldn’t know that I stole Tiff’s favorite barrette this morning and put it in my hair after I got to school.

  “Yes, ma’am?”

  “I need you to go down to the principal’s office, please.”

  The kids around me snicker and my tummy tightens with nerves. “What did I do?”

  “You’re not in trouble, but they do need you down at the office, sweetie.”

  “I’m not in trouble?” Why else would I be sent down there? This is the weirdest day ever!

  “No. But grab your things. You won’t be coming back to class today.”

  “She’s suspended?” My best friend, Amanda, asks with wide eyes.

  “No. They’ll explain when you get down there.” I grab my backpack and coat and shrug at Amanda when she does the what the heck is going on look. When I move to pass by Mrs. Yakamura, she pulls me in for a strong hug, surprising me.

  “I’m so sorry, Meredith.”

  I must be in trouble. Why else would she be sorry? Oh my gosh, if my dad finds out that I got suspended from school, he’ll be beyond mad. He might even take my dance lessons away, and that would suck the worst. He’s always lecturing me and Tiff about being responsible and taking school seriously, and that it’s okay to have hobbies but we need to be focused.

  Blah, blah, blah.

  I’m only thirteen, for gosh sakes. It’s not like I’m going to college next year. Maybe I won’t go to college at all. Maybe I’ll just be a dancer. I’ll be a dancer and fall in love with a handsome musician and he’ll write me love songs and tell me how pretty I am.

  Daddy tells me I’m pretty, but he’s my daddy. He’s supposed to say that.

  Happy with my decision to marry a musician, I execute a perfect pirouette down the empty hallway on my way to the office. When I go inside, I’m surprised to see my mom and the counselor, Mr. Pritchett, waiting for me.

  “Mom?” Her eyes are red and blotchy. Mine get the same way when I’ve been crying for a long time. “Mommy?”

  “Oh, baby girl.” She yanks me into her arms and smothers me against her breasts, holding onto me so tight I can barely breathe, and cries hard. She’s shaking and sobbing against me.

  Why is she crying? She only ever cries when she watches sad movies or when Grandma died. I start to cry too because she’s scaring me.

  “Come on, Addie,” Mr. Pritchett says, pulling us toward his office. “Let’s sit down for a minute.”

  “The police officer is waiting outside to take us back,” she sobs.

  Police officer?

  “Am I going to jail?” I cry.

  “No, baby, no. Of course not.” Mom sniffs and wipes her cheeks dry, then pushes my hair back over my shoulders. Her lips are trembling. “Sweetie, there was a car accident today. Daddy’s at the hospital now, but we have to get back as soon as possible bec
ause they don’t think…” She can’t finish the sentence.

  “They don’t think what?”

  “You need to go see your dad, Meredith,” Mr. Pritchett says quietly.

  “Where is Tiff? Is she at the hospital too?”

  Another sob escapes Mom’s lips, but she firms her chin and swallows hard. “No, honey. Tiff isn’t at the h-h-hospital.”

  “Where is she?” I whisper.

  Mom shakes her head, takes my hand in hers and kisses it. “She didn’t make it, baby.”

  I wrinkle my forehead in confusion. “Didn’t make what?”

  “Tiffany was killed in the accident, Meredith,” Mr. Pritchett says. His eyes are full of tears too.

  “What?” I pull away from Mom, yank my hand out of hers and bump into a chair. “What?”

  “Come on,” Mom says. “We have to get back now.”

  “I don’t understand.” I can’t stop crying now. My whole body feels hot, like it does when you stand in the bathroom with the shower running hot on a summer day. I can’t breathe. “I want Tiff! I want Daddy!”

  “We’re going to see Daddy right now,” Mom says and pulls me out of the office, through the front doors of the school to the police car out front.

  I want to ask why the police are here, but I can’t talk. This can’t be happening. What in the hell is happening?

  Mom hugs me hard on the drive to the hospital. The tears have dried up, but I feel numb. This can’t be true. Dad had to take Tiff to her dentist appointment this morning. They’re fine. Maybe he took her out to lunch after the appointment and there’s been a mistake.

  The policeman’s radio is loud with a deep, monotone man’s voice listing numbers and ten-fours. When he pulls up at the hospital, he helps Mom and me out of the car. He has nice eyes. Sad eyes. He pats my shoulder and walks next to us into the hospital, up an elevator and down a hallway. It smells like medicine and cleaner and feet. I hate the smell of feet.

  Why does the hospital smell like feet?

  Mom leads us to a room where a curtain is pulled, blocking the view of the bed. She keeps my hand in hers as we walk inside and as we walk around the curtain, I see my daddy lying in a bed with tubes coming out of his mouth. He has a white and green hospital gown on. His face is all bruised. His hand is scratched up badly and his right arm is wrapped in gauze from his elbow to his fingertips.