Breathe With Me

by Kristen Proby

  “Calming you the fuck down.” He cradles me against him and rocks us back and forth. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in my place in his neck, holding on tightly. God, I love him. He’s everything to me. I can’t lose him the way my mom lost Dad. I don’t think I’d survive it.

  And I will eventually lose him. Because I lose everyone I love.

  As we sit here silently, I cling to him as I realize what I have to do.

  I have to give him up.

  I cup his face gently in my hands and kiss him softly. My lips linger on his for a moment as I breathe him in and my hands trace the strong muscles in his arms.

  Finally, I pull away and climb off his lap.

  “I love you more than I can ever tell you, Mark. But, I can’t bear the thought of losing you the way I lost my family.” I swallow hard as he frowns in confusion. “I just can’t do this.”

  “Can’t do what, exactly?”

  “I can’t be with you.”

  “You are with me, Meredith.”

  I shake my head and rub my forehead with my fingertips. Jesus, how do I find the words for this?

  “I don’t think I can be in a relationship with you.” The last few words are said on a sob. His jaw drops just as the nurse bustles in.

  “Okay, Mr. Williams…”

  I leave as she’s giving him his instructions and rush out of the ER, through the waiting room and outside.

  Fuck me, I don’t have my car.

  “Meredith!”

  Natalie runs out after me, catching up to me when I get to the parking lot and realize I don’t have a ride home. He’s going to come marching out here any second.

  “I need to leave, Natalie.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Yes, he’s just scraped up. He’ll be fine.” This time.

  But what about the next time?

  “Oh, good.” She breathes a sigh of relief and then sobers when she sees the look on my face. “Where are you going, Mer?”

  “I’m leaving. I just broke it off with Mark.”

  “Wow, talk about kicking a man when he’s down.”

  “Fuck you, Natalie. You don’t know me or what I’ve been through.” It’s not her fault, but I can’t stop myself from going after her verbally, and I hate myself even more for it. “You haven’t had to bury your parents and your sister and watch everyone around you that you love the most die!”

  “Yes I have.”

  “And you haven’t…” I stop, stunned. “What?”

  “My parents both died when I was in college,” she replies calmly. “I’m an only child.”

  I blink twice and feel about three inches tall.

  “Scared you, didn’t it?”

  “I’m fucking terrified.”

  Nat nods and pushes her hair out of her face as the wind kicks up. “He won’t let you just break it off, you know.”

  “He doesn’t have a choice.”

  She narrows her eyes and watches me for a moment. My eyes fill with tears again, pissing me off even more.

  “Why would you do this? Even a blind woman can see that you’re completely in love with each other.”

  “I would rather give him up voluntarily,” I begin and have to swallow hard against the bile rising in my throat. “Than have to lose him the way I did my sister and my dad. I watched my mom lay on my dad’s chest and say goodbye to him, Natalie. I can’t do that.”

  “I don’t know how anyone can do that,” she says softly, her own eyes full of tears. “What a horrible thing, Meredith. But you don’t know that you would ever be in that situation.”

  “I don’t know that I won’t.”

  “You didn’t strike me as a quitter.”

  My eyes whip over to hers. “I. Can’t. Do. It.”

  She nods thoughtfully, then hugs me as Jax pulls his car up to us. “Think it over. A love like yours doesn’t come along every day, you know. Love him. Let him love you. Make the most out of every single day, so at the end of it all, you can say you don’t have any regrets, Mer. Life’s too short for that, and no one knows that better than you and me.”

  She pats my shoulder and jogs back into the hospital. I watch her go then climb into Jax’s sporty little car. “Take me home.”

  “Is he okay?”

  “Yes.” He eyes me, taking in my tears and my shaking hands.

  “Are you?”

  I shake my head and sob again. “Take me home.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  ~Mark~

  “Are you okay?” Mom rushes to me as I walk into the waiting room.

  “I’m fine. Where did Meredith go?” Fucking hell, those pills have knocked me on my ass. My arms and legs feel heavy and my head is fuzzy.

  “Jax picked her up,” Nat says. “She’s scared, Mark.”

  “I get it, but she’s not getting rid of me that easy. I need your car,” I say to Luke who just smirks at me. I growl at him and would advance on him if my feet would move.

  “You need to fill those prescriptions and rest,” Mom interjects, pointing at the papers in my hand. “I love Meredith to death, but you’re in no shape to be running all over the damn world.”

  “Mom.” I take a deep breath to calm my temper. “I need to fix this with her. She’s not okay.” I remember the feel of her in my arms, the trembling, the absolute despair rolling off her in waves. “She’s not trying to be dramatic. Meredith isn’t like that. She’s hurting.”

  Luke takes the papers from my hand and rattles his keys in his hand. “You’re not driving anywhere, Mark. Nat and I will take care of these and Sam will get you settled at home.” He points outside and wraps his arm around Mom’s shoulders. “Why don’t you come with us, Mom?”

  She continues to watch me and finally stands on tip-toe to kiss my cheek.

  “We’ll meet you at your house,” Mom says.

  “Why won’t you all listen to me? I need to see Meredith!”

  “Do you honestly think you’re in any shape to charm her right now?” Sam asks with a roll of the eyes. “She’ll still be around tomorrow when you’re not all drugged up.”

  I glare at her, but she’s right. My eyes are heavy and my body is in that in-between place of numb and pain. Every step out to Sam’s car is agony and effort, making me embarrassingly tired.

  By the time we make it back to my house, all I want to do is sleep. “Please call her,” I say to Sam as she helps me stumble my way up to my bedroom. “Just call her and make sure she’s okay.”

  “I will,” Sam promises and helps me into the bed, not bothering to make me change out of the green scrubs the hospital gave me. I roll onto the mattress and immediately slip into a drug-induced sleep.

  ***

  Fuck me, I’m sore. I wince as I sit up and try to stretch my muscles. I ache, which shouldn’t surprise me since I’ve refused to take the pain meds over the past six hours so I can drive to Meredith’s this afternoon. I rise from the bed and take care of business, then curl my lip in disgust when I see that I’m still covered in bloody smears. I crashed before I even had a chance to take a shower.

  First thing’s first. I need coffee.

  As I descend the stairs, I hear voices in my kitchen.

  “I tried to call her three times last night and once more this morning and she wouldn’t answer,” Sam says quietly, sipping coffee as I walk into the room. She’s talking with Jax who also looks exhausted and worried.

  “How are you feeling?” Jax asks.

  “Like I got hit by a fucking car,” I reply and pour myself some coffee. “But it doesn’t matter. Talk to me about Meredith. Is she okay?”

  Jax winces and shakes his head.

  “No. She won’t calm down. You’re okay, but it’s like a dam has burst and I can’t get her to calm down. It’s freaking me out.” He rubs his hand over his face. “She cried for a long time, then slept for a few hours. When she woke up she went back to crying. Any time I go in her room, she makes me leave.”

  “Jesus,” I w
hisper, staring down into the coffee in my mug. “I know she’s still grieving for her mom, and this had to bring up bad memories for her,” I mutter.

  “It’s just typical for her though,” Jax adds, making both Sam and I frown in confusion.

  “What do you mean?” Sam says.

  “Meredith always pushes people away. She always has, for as long as I’ve known her. She couldn’t shake me because I sunk my claws into her and didn’t let go, but even that scares her sometimes. She’s afraid of losing people she loves. So, the ones who fight back and stay are the ones she figures are around for the long-haul.”

  “Well I’m clearly going to fight back,” I reply. “She’s not shaking me off like this.”

  “Do you feel well enough to drive or do you need a lift?” Jax asks.

  “You really should shower first,” Sam says. “You look horrible.”

  “I’m fine, and I’ll shower at Meredith’s.” I take a long swig of cooling coffee and grab my keys. “Will you be by later?” I ask Jax.

  “Yeah. I’m going to go buy some juice and soup. I know it’s not the flu, but I don’t know what else to fucking do. She won’t let me touch her. Here, you’ll need a key.”

  I nod. “Thank you. I’ll take care of it.”

  I’m moving slower than I usually do, which pisses me off because right now all I can think of is getting to Mer. The drive is quick, and before I know it, I’m at her place.

  I walk swiftly to her room and pause by her door, listening to her soft sobs inside. Silently, I open her door and when I see her curled up on her bed, her hand over her head, crying in despair, my stomach falls to my knees.

  I crawl onto her bed and pull her into my arms. “Meredith, everything is okay.”

  She gasps, surprised to see me, and stops crying long enough to take me in, but then starts to cry again.

  “Stop. I can’t be with you.” She’s not fighting me, not trying to get out of my embrace.

  “Yes, you can.”

  “Mark, I’m going to lose you too, and I can’t stand the thought of it.” She’s shivering. Instead of trying to talk some sense into her, I simply hold her. Kiss her hair, caress her shoulder and back, rubbing in big, soothing circles. We lie together for a long time, until she finally looks at me. Her eyes are still leaking, but she’s not trembling any longer.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  “I love you too.” She swallows hard and brushes her cheeks dry with the back of her hand. “You know what happened the day my dad and Tiff died.”

  “Yes, you’ve told me the story, baby.”

  She nods. “When Luke said there’d been an accident, and we got in the car, I was right back in that place, as if I was thirteen years old again, and the pain was bright and brand new.”

  I brush my knuckles down her cheeks, my heart breaking for her.

  “I understand that you’re okay. My brain computes it, Mark. You weren’t hurt badly, thank God, and you’ll heal quickly and everything will go back to normal.”

  I nod, watching her as she struggles with her heart.

  “But I can’t help the way my heart feels.”

  “How does it feel?”

  “Panicked. Terrified. God, I’m so scared. I didn’t know that your job is dangerous. It never occurred to me.”

  “Would it have changed things? Would knowing that there are hazards on my job have kept you from falling back into love with me?”

  She bites her lip and wrinkles her brow, and I want so desperately to lean in and kiss her there, to comfort her, but I wait, letting her reason things out.

  “I never fell back into love with you. I was always in love with you,” she admits. “But maybe I could have prepared myself.”

  “Honestly, M, the injuries that happen on a job site are typically small ones. Hammer a thumb, trip on a board. We are very careful and have rules to keep us all from getting hurt.”

  She pulls away, turning onto her back and looks at the ceiling. “I think you should go home and rest.”

  My heart stills.

  “Didn’t you hear a word I just said?”

  “I did.”

  “But you’re still throwing me out.”

  She bites her lip and jerks her head yes.

  I stand and walk toward the door, but stop and turn around and watch the tears run down the sides of her face into her hair. She doesn’t want me to leave. She’s just scared.

  “Fuck this, Meredith. I remember exactly what it felt like ten years ago to stand on your porch and have you tell me that we were through. I refuse to go through that again. I am not giving up on this. I can’t go a day, an hour without thinking about you. Without needing to hear your voice, see you smile.”

  I rub my hand over my mouth and pace away in frustration and then circle around again.

  “I’m trying to protect myself!” She stands and faces off with me, her hands fisted at her sides. “You want me to stay with you, to love you every day, but what am I supposed to do when you die and you leave me?”

  “I’m not leaving you!”

  “Today. You’re not leaving me today.”

  “Meredith, I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me because we don’t know. I can’t promise what I don’t have control of.”

  “Exactly!” She points at me as if I finally get it. “You can’t.”

  “No one can, M. Are you just going to be alone forever?”

  “I’m not alone. I have Jax.”

  “Until he dies too,” I reply coldly and hate myself when her face crumples.

  “I have my studio.”

  “What if it burns down?”

  “STOP IT!” She screams nearing hysterics again.

  “Baby, you have to know that the chances of any of that happening are minute.” I fight through her flailing arms and pull her tightly against my chest, tucking her head under my chin, and hold on with all my might. “Jax and I aren’t going anywhere. Your studio is safe.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Me too. Mer, I wouldn’t survive losing you again. Your mom was the strongest person I’ve ever met. Next to you, and I’m surrounded by a lot of strong women, sweetheart.” I tip her face up so I can stare down into her beautiful face. “You’re so strong, baby. I love you more than I can ever tell you. I’m sure there are pretty words that would work, but I don’t know what they are. I just know that what I feel for you is so big, there’s no way I can let you go. Please don’t ask me to. I can’t say goodbye to you, M.”

  I lean my forehead against hers as she finally, finally, wraps her arms around me and holds on desperately.

  “I love you so big,” she whispers as she buries her face in my neck, the way she always does.

  “As long as we have each other, we can do anything.” I smirk at myself. Where the fuck is my man card? “I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true, Mer. Something Luke said not long ago has stuck with me. He said that if Natalie ever tries to leave him, he’s going with her because his life doesn’t work without her.”

  I feel her grin against my neck and I take the first clean breath I’ve had since she walked out of the hospital room yesterday.

  “That sounds like him,” she mumbles.

  “I get it.” I tug her into my lap at the edge of the bed. “I feel the same way.”

  “Natalie is a lucky girl,” Meredith says. There’s my smart-ass.

  “My life doesn’t work without you in it, M.” I kiss her temple and continue to rub her back, soothing us both.

  “I’m sorry.” Her voice is small and shaky. “I panicked. I’ve been panicking all night because I was worried and I was regretting not being with you to take care of you.”

  “Yes you did.” Now that she’s with me, truly with me, I feel my own trembles begin. “You scared me too.”

  Her hands glide down my arms, then she sits back and takes in my clothes.

  “You’re in scrubs.”

  “My clothes were ruined.”

&nb
sp; “But that was yesterday.” She bites her lip. “You have blood in your h-h-hair.”

  “I fell asleep as soon as I got home and I haven’t showered. I bumped my head on the street. Bled like a stuck pig for a little while, but it didn’t need stitches.”

  “Can you take a shower now?”

  “Yes.”

  She stands, takes my hand and leads me to her bathroom. “You should be resting.”

  “Now you sound like my mother.”

  She blows her nose and turns on the shower then returns to me. “She’s a smart woman.”

  “She is. She loves you, you know.”

  Fresh tears fill her eyes, but she simply smiles softly and nods. “I love her too. I love all of them.”

  They’ll be yours before long, I think and drag my fingertips down her cheek. She grips the hem of the green scrub top in her hands and gently guides it over my head, then unties the drawstring on the matching pants and lets them fall to the floor.

  I’m not wearing underwear.

  “Me crying turns you on?” she asks in surprise, staring at my semi-hard cock.

  “You stripping me down turns me on, Mer. Always.” I chuckle and pull her shirt over her head. “That hasn’t changed since we were seventeen.”

  “You’re scraped up pretty good back here,” she says when she makes me turn around. She presses a sweet kiss to my shoulder blade before leading me into the shower. She didn’t set it too hot, not too cold, but just perfect so when it slides over the cuts and scrapes the stinging isn’t too bad.

  “I’m going to wash you,” she informs me softly.

  “I like it when you take care of me,” I murmur.

  Her hands glide gently over my body, cleaning the brown dried blood and dirt from my arms and hands, washing the blood out of my hair, and when all is said and done, and we’re both dry, she examines me one more time.

  “See? It’s not so bad now that I’m cleaned up.”

  “You must be really sore.”

  So fucking sore.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Come on.” She leads me back to her bedroom, pulls the covers back on her bed and motions for me to lie down.

  “It’s mid-afternoon, Mer.”

  She simply raises a brow. I sigh and climb onto the bed, and grin happily when she joins me. She picks up my right hand, kisses the scratches on my palm, then cradles her small, smooth cheek, nuzzling my palm. She works her way up my arm to my shoulder, kissing each red spot.