Celtic Myths

by Flame Tree Studio

  Well, it was all mighty good, as long as the king had his health; but, you see, in course of time the king grew old, by raison he was stiff in his limbs, and when he got stricken in years, his heart failed him, and he was lost entirely for want o’ diversion, because he couldn’t go a-hunting no longer; and, by dad, the poor king was obliged at last to get a goose to divert him. Oh, you may laugh, if you like, but it’s truth I’m telling you; and the way the goose diverted him was this-a-way: You see, the goose used to swim across the lake, and go diving for trout, and catch fish on a Friday for the king, and flew every other day round about the lake, diverting the poor king. All went on mighty well until, by dad, the goose got stricken in years like her master, and couldn’t divert him no longer, and then it was that the poor king was lost entirely. The king was walkin’ one mornin’ by the edge of the lake, lamentin’ his cruel fate, and thinking of drowning himself, that could get no diversion in life, when all of a sudden, turning round the corner, who should he meet but a mighty decent young man coming up to him.

  “God save you,” says the king to the young man.

  “God save you kindly, King O’Toole,” says the young man.

  “True for you,” says the king. “I am King O’Toole,” says he, “prince and plennypennytinchery of these parts,” says he; “but how came ye to know that?” says he.

  “Oh, never mind,” says St. Kavin.

  You see it was Saint Kavin, sure enough – the saint himself in disguise, and nobody else. “Oh, never mind,” says he, “I know more than that. May I make bold to ask how is your goose, King O’Toole?” says he.

  “Blur-an-agers, how came ye to know about my goose?” says the king.

  “Oh, no matter; I was given to understand it,” says Saint Kavin.

  After some more talk the king says, “What are you?”

  “I’m an honest man,” says Saint Kavin.

  “Well, honest man,” says the king, “and how is it you make your money so aisy?”

  “By makin’ old things as good as new,” says Saint Kavin.

  “Is it a tinker you are?” says the king.

  “No,” says the saint; “I’m no tinker by trade, King O’Toole; I’ve a better trade than a tinker,” says he – “what would you say,” says he, “if I made your old goose as good as new?”

  My dear, at the word of making his goose as good as new, you’d think the poor old king’s eyes were ready to jump out of his head. With that the king whistled, and down came the poor goose, just like a hound, waddling up to the poor cripple, her master, and as like him as two peas. The minute the saint clapt his eyes on the goose, “I’ll do the job for you,” says he, “King O’Toole.”

  “By Jaminee!” says King O’Toole, “if you do, I’ll say you’re the cleverest fellow in the seven parishes.”

  “Oh, by dad,” says St. Kavin, “you must say more nor that – my horn’s not so soft all out,” says he, “as to repair your old goose for nothing; what’ll you gi” me if I do the job for you? – that’s the chat,” says St. Kavin.

  “I’ll give you whatever you ask,” says the king; “isn’t that fair?”

  “Divil a fairer,” says the saint; “that’s the way to do business. Now,” says he, “this is the bargain I’ll make with you, King O’Toole: will you gi” me all the ground the goose flies over, the first offer, after I make her as good as new?”

  “I will,” says the king.

  “You won’t go back o’ your word?” says St. Kavin.

  “Honour bright!” says King O’Toole, holding out his fist.

  “Honour bright!” says St. Kavin, back agin, “it’s a bargain. Come here!” says he to the poor old goose – “come here, you unfortunate ould cripple, and it’s I that’ll make you the sporting bird.” With that, my dear, he took up the goose by the two wings – “Criss o’ my cross an you,” says he, markin’ her to grace with the blessed sign at the same minute – and throwing her up in the air, ‘whew,’ says he, jist givin’ her a blast to help her; and with that, my jewel, she took to her heels, flyin’ like one o’ the eagles themselves, and cutting as many capers as a swallow before a shower of rain.

  Well, my dear, it was a beautiful sight to see the king standing with his mouth open, looking at his poor old goose flying as light as a lark, and better than ever she was: and when she lit at his feet, patted her on the head, and “Ma vourneen,” says he, “but you are the darlint o’ the world.”

  “And what do you say to me,” says “Saint Kavin, “for making her the like?”

  “By Jabers,” says the king, “I say nothing beats the art o’ man, barring the bees.”

  “And do you say no more nor that?” says Saint Kavin.

  “And that I’m beholden to you,” says the king.

  “But will you gi”e me all the ground the goose flew over?” says Saint

  Kavin.

  “I will,” says King O’Toole, “and you’re welcome to it,” says he, “though it’s the last acre I have to give.”

  “But you’ll keep your word true?” says the saint.

  “As true as the sun,” says the king.

  “It’s well for you, King O’Toole, that you said that word,” says he; “for if you didn’t say that word, the devil the bit o’ your goose would ever fly agin.”

  When the king was as good as his word, Saint Kavin was pleased with him, and then it was that he made himself known to the king. “And,” says he, “King O’Toole, you’re a decent man, for I only came here to try you. You don’t know me,” says he, “because I’m disguised.”

  “Musha! then,” says the king, “who are you?”

  “I’m Saint Kavin,” said the saint, blessing himself.

  “Oh, queen of heaven!” says the king, making the sign of the cross between his eyes, and falling down on his knees before the saint; “is it the great Saint Kavin,” says he, “that I’ve been discoursing all this time without knowing it,” says he, “all as one as if he was a lump of a gossoon? – and so you’re a saint?” says the king.

  “I am,” says Saint Kavin.

  “By Jabers, I thought I was only talking to a dacent boy,” says the king.

  “Well, you know the difference now,” says the saint. “I’m Saint Kavin,” says he, “the greatest of all the saints.”

  And so the king had his goose as good as new, to divert him as long as he lived: and the saint supported him after he came into his property, as I told you, until the day of his death – and that was soon after; for the poor goose thought he was catching a trout one Friday; but, my jewel, it was a mistake he made – and instead of a trout, it was a thieving horse-eel; and instead of the goose killing a trout for the king’s supper – by dad, the eel killed the king’s goose – and small blame to him; but he didn’t ate her, because he darn’t ate what Saint Kavin had laid his blessed hands on.

  The Tale of Ivan

  There were formerly a man and a woman living in the parish of Llanlavan, in the place which is called Hwrdh. And work became scarce, so the man said to his wife, “I will go search for work, and you may live here.” So he took fair leave, and travelled far toward the East, and at last came to the house of a farmer and asked for work.

  “What work can ye do?” said the farmer. “I can do all kinds of work,” said Ivan. Then they agreed upon three pounds for the year’s wages.

  When the end of the year came his master showed him the three pounds. “See, Ivan,” said he, “here’s your wage; but if you will give it me back I’ll give you a piece of advice instead.”

  “Give me my wage,” said Ivan.

  “No, I’ll not,” said the master; “I’ll explain my advice.”

  “Tell it me, then,” said Ivan.

  Then said the master, “Never leave the old road for the sake of a new one.”

  After that they agreed for another year at the old
wages, and at the end of it Ivan took instead a piece of advice, and this was it: “Never lodge where an old man is married to a young woman.”

  The same thing happened at the end of the third year, when the piece of advice was: “Honesty is the best policy.”

  But Ivan would not stay longer, but wanted to go back to his wife.

  “Don’t go today,” said his master; “my wife bakes tomorrow, and she shall make thee a cake to take home to thy good woman.”

  And when Ivan was going to leave, “Here,” said his master, “here is a cake for thee to take home to thy wife, and, when ye are most joyous together, then break the cake, and not sooner.”

  So he took fair leave of them and travelled towards home, and at last he came to Wayn Her, and there he met three merchants from Tre Rhyn, of his own parish, coming home from Exeter Fair. “Oho! Ivan,” said they, “come with us; glad are we to see you. Where have you been so long?”

  “I have been in service,” said Ivan, “and now I’m going home to my wife.”

  “Oh, come with us! you’ll be right welcome.” But when they took the new road Ivan kept to the old one. And robbers fell upon them before they had gone far from Ivan as they were going by the fields of the houses in the meadow. They began to cry out, “Thieves!” and Ivan shouted out “Thieves!” too. And when the robbers heard Ivan’s shout they ran away, and the merchants went by the new road and Ivan by the old one till they met again at Market-Jew.

  “Oh, Ivan,” said the merchants, “we are beholding to you; but for you we would have been lost men. Come lodge with us at our cost, and welcome.”

  When they came to the place where they used to lodge, Ivan said, “I must see the host.”

  “The host,” they cried; “what do you want with the host? Here is the hostess, and she’s young and pretty. If you want to see the host you’ll find him in the kitchen.”

  So he went into the kitchen to see the host; he found him a weak old man turning the spit.

  “Oh! oh!” quoth Ivan, “I’ll not lodge here, but will go next door.”

  “Not yet,” said the merchants, “sup with us, and welcome.”

  Now it happened that the hostess had plotted with a certain monk in Market-Jew to murder the old man in his bed that night while the rest were asleep, and they agreed to lay it on the lodgers.

  So while Ivan was in bed next door, there was a hole in the pine-end of the house, and he saw a light through it. So he got up and looked, and heard the monk speaking. “I had better cover this hole,” said he, “or people in the next house may see our deeds.” So he stood with his back against it while the hostess killed the old man.

  But meanwhile Ivan out with his knife, and putting it through the hole, cut a round piece off the monk’s robe. The very next morning the hostess raised the cry that her husband was murdered, and as there was neither man nor child in the house but the merchants, she declared they ought to be hanged for it.

  So they were taken and carried to prison, till a last Ivan came to them. “Alas! alas! Ivan,” cried they, “bad luck sticks to us; our host was killed last night, and we shall be hanged for it.”

  “Ah, tell the justices,” said Ivan, “to summon the real murderers.”

  “Who knows,” they replied, “who committed the crime?”

  “Who committed the crime!” said Ivan. “If I cannot prove who committed the crime, hang me in your stead.”

  So he told all he knew, and brought out the piece of cloth from the monk’s robe, and with that the merchants were set at liberty, and the hostess and the monk were seized and hanged.

  Then they came all together out of Market-Jew, and they said to him: “Come as far as Coed Carrn y Wylfa, the Wood of the Heap of Stones of Watching, in the parish of Burman.” Then their two roads separated, and though the merchants wished Ivan to go with them, he would not go with them, but went straight home to his wife.

  And when his wife saw him she said: “Home in the nick of time. Here’s a purse of gold that I’ve found; it has no name, but sure it belongs to the great lord yonder. I was just thinking what to do when you came.”

  Then Ivan thought of the third counsel, and he said “Let us go and give it to the great lord.”

  So they went up to the castle, but the great lord was not in it, so they left the purse with the servant that minded the gate, and then they went home again and lived in quiet for a time.

  But one day the great lord stopped at their house for a drink of water, and Ivan’s wife said to him: “I hope your lordship found your lordship’s purse quite safe with all its money in it.”

  “What purse is that you are talking about?” said the lord.

  “Sure, it’s your lordship’s purse that I left at the castle,” said Ivan.

  “Come with me and we will see into the matter,” said the lord.

  So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant in the stead of the thief.

  “Honesty’s the best policy!” quoth Ivan, as he skipped about in his new quarters. “How joyful I am!”

  Then he thought of his old master’s cake that he was to eat when he was most joyful, and when he broke it, to and behold, inside it was his wages for the three years he had been with him.

  Hudden And Dudden And Donald O’Neary

  There was once upon a time two farmers, and their names were Hudden and Dudden. They had poultry in their yards, sheep on the uplands, and scores of cattle in the meadow-land alongside the river. But for all that they weren’t happy. For just between their two farms there lived a poor man by the name of Donald O’Neary. He had a hovel over his head and a strip of grass that was barely enough to keep his one cow, Daisy, from starving, and, though she did her best, it was but seldom that Donald got a drink of milk or a roll of butter from Daisy. You would think there was little here to make Hudden and Dudden jealous, but so it is, the more one has the more one wants, and Donald’s neighbours lay awake of nights scheming how they might get hold of his little strip of grass-land. Daisy, poor thing, they never thought of; she was just a bag of bones.

  One day Hudden met Dudden, and they were soon grumbling as usual, and all to the tune of “If only we could get that vagabond Donald O’Neary out of the country.”

  “Let’s kill Daisy,” said Hudden at last; “if that doesn’t make him clear out, nothing will.”

  No sooner said than agreed, and it wasn’t dark before Hudden and Dudden crept up to the little shed where lay poor Daisy trying her best to chew the cud, though she hadn’t had as much grass in the day as would cover your hand. And when Donald came to see if Daisy was all snug for the night, the poor beast had only time to lick his hand once before she died.

  Well, Donald was a shrewd fellow, and downhearted though he was, began to think if he could get any good out of Daisy’s death. He thought and he thought, and the next day you could have seen him trudging off early to the fair, Daisy’s hide over his shoulder, every penny he had jingling in his pockets. Just before he got to the fair, he made several slits in the hide, put a penny in each slit, walked into the best inn of the town as bold as if it belonged to him, and, hanging the hide up to a nail in the wall, sat down.

  “Some of your best whisky,” says he to the landlord.

  But the landlord didn’t like his looks. “Is it fearing I won’t pay you, you are?” says Donald; “why I have a hide here that gives me all the money I want.” And with that he hit it a whack with his stick and out hopped a penny. The landlord opened his eyes, as you may fancy.

  “What’ll you take for that hide?”

  “It’s not for sale, my good man.”

  “Will you take a gold piece?”

  “It’s not for sale, I tell you. Hasn’t it kept me and
mine for years?” and with that Donald hit the hide another whack and out jumped a second penny.

  Well, the long and the short of it was that Donald let the hide go, and, that very evening, who but he should walk up to Hudden’s door?

  “Good-evening, Hudden. Will you lend me your best pair of scales?”

  Hudden stared and Hudden scratched his head, but he lent the scales.

  When Donald was safe at home, he pulled out his pocketful of bright gold and began to weigh each piece in the scales. But Hudden had put a lump of butter at the bottom, and so the last piece of gold stuck fast to the scales when he took them back to Hudden.

  If Hudden had stared before, he stared ten times more now, and no sooner was Donald’s back turned, than he was of as hard as he could pelt to Dudden’s.

  “Good-evening, Dudden. That vagabond, bad luck to him –”

  “You mean Donald O’Neary?”

  “And who else should I mean? He’s back here weighing out sackfuls of gold.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Here are my scales that he borrowed, and here’s a gold piece still sticking to them.”

  Off they went together, and they came to Donald’s door. Donald had finished making the last pile of ten gold pieces. And he couldn’t finish because a piece had stuck to the scales.

  In they walked without an “If you please” or “By your leave.”

  “Well, I never!” that was all they could say.

  “Good-evening, Hudden; good-evening, Dudden. Ah! you thought you had played me a fine trick, but you never did me a better turn in all your lives. When I found poor Daisy dead, I thought to myself, “Well, her hide may fetch something;” and it did. Hides are worth their weight in gold in the market just now.”