Take Ten II

by Eric Lane

  (She smiles, rocks, chews.)

  I live chalk line straight with men. I love my Daddy dead in the mine. My Momma at thirty looking seventy. For a cure at night I chew gin sang, and in the morning pleasure the legs of a green mountain frog hopping for breakfast in my skillet. And that child I delivered to this life, running down that mountain yonder, is as pleasant to me as the flowers are made.

  (Lights fade on her.)

  DANIEL ON A THURSDAY

  Garth Wingfield

  Daniel on a Thursday was originally produced by All Seasons Theatre Group (John McCormack, Artistic Director) at New York Performance Works in New York City on July 17, 2000. It was directed by Christopher Gorman. The cast was as follows:

  DANIEL Steve Roman

  KEVIN Tom O'Brien

  The play was later produced by Urban Empire& Francis Ford Coppola's Zoetrope: All-Story at Show World in New York City. AnnaCatherine Rutledge directed the following cast:

  DANIEL Matthew Del Negro

  KEVIN Jack Merrill

  Subsequently, the play was produced, again by Urban Empire and Zoetrope: All-Story, at the Tiffany Theatre in Los Angeles. It was directed by Bjorn Johnson, and the cast was as follows:

  DANIEL Scott Paetty

  KEVIN Jack Merrill

  The play was developed at the Harbor Theatre, New York City (Stuart Warmflash, Artistic Director).

  CHARACTERS

  DANIEL: Early thirties. Very neatly dressed.

  KEVIN: Early thirties. Not so pulled together.

  A slash in the text (/) is a cue for the next actor to begin speaking, creating overlapping dialogue.

  “Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song;

  A medley of extemporanea;

  And love is a thing that can never go wrong;

  And I am Marie of Roumania.”

  —Dorothy Parker

  (A crowded bar. Two guys leaning against a wall, facing out, nursing beers. KEVIN eyes DANIEL for a moment. Then DANIEL, sensing he's being cruised, turns, gives him a once-over.)

  KEVIN: Hey.

  DANIEL:(weakly, not encouraging) Hey.

  KEVIN: I like your beer.

  DANIEL: What?

  KEVIN: God, that was an incredibly stupid thing / to say.

  DANIEL: Did you just say you liked my beer?

  KEVIN: I, um …yes…it's a very attractive …Beck's. It looks good on you.

  DANIEL: Thanks? (Hegazes out again. Little beat.)

  KEVIN: (Extends his hand.) It's Kevin.

  DANIEL: Look…

  KEVIN: I'm Kevin.

  DANIEL: Right…Kevin …I don't mean to be rude. I'm sure you're a nice guy and all. It's just, I really don't feel like talking tonight.

  KEVIN: Oh. That's fair. (Beat.) So that was my one chance with you, and I just blew it, right?

  DANIEL: Excuse me?

  KEVIN: I compliment your beer for some reason I can't fathom, and that's that.

  DANIEL: Look …

  KEVIN: Is it my body?

  DANIEL: What?

  KEVIN: Is my body this major turnoff ? Or my hair?

  DANIEL: Of course not! You're a perfectly nice-looking guy—not my type, as it turns out—but perfectly nice-looking …

  KEVIN: Huh.

  DANIEL: Anyway. Good talking with you. (Beat. They both face out again.)

  KEVIN: So let me get this straight. Even though I don't disgust you outright—and I don't actually disgust you, do I?

  DANIEL: You don't disgust me!

  KEVIN: Even so, you wouldn't shake my hand.

  DANIEL: What are you talking about?

  KEVIN: I held out my hand to introduce myself, and you wouldn't take it or tell me your name even.

  DANIEL: You're reading way too much into this.

  KEVIN: (getting really pissed) I don't think so. I don't think so at all. See, what I think is that actually—on the inside—you see me as this leper-person who's not even worthy of being TOUCHED! And that is just righteously shitty, okay? It's a handshake! A HANDSHAKE! FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, WHAT KIND OF SUPERIOR ASSWIPE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!

  DANIEL: Oh my God, no—NO! I didn't mean to / insult you, believe me.

  KEVIN: (cracking up) Daniel! Take it easy, man! It's Kevin …Kevin Carpenter. From high school. I'm just screwing with you, buddy.

  DANIEL: Kevin Carpenter?

  KEVIN: From history class.

  DANIEL: European history, or …?

  KEVIN: Exactly, European history class. I saw you across the bar just now and said to myself, “Well, if it isn't little Daniel Delmonico from high school in a gay bar. I haven't seen him in years. I know what! I'm gonna go over and mess with his head.”

  DANIEL: And so you did.

  KEVIN: Boy, did I.

  DANIEL: Right …So. Kevin …

  KEVIN: So Daniel—sew buttons! Hey, hope I didn't freak your shit too severely or anything.

  DANIEL: No, that's…Wow, you know …I've gotta be honest here. I don't remember you at all.

  KEVIN: You don't? DANIEL: I'm sorry.

  KEVIN: No, that's cool. It's not like we were ever friends or anything.

  DANIEL: We weren't.

  KEVIN: Not at all.

  DANIEL: Were we …acquaintances even?

  KEVIN: Not that I recall.

  DANIEL: Well, it was a full class.

  KEVIN: And an enormous school.

  DANIEL: (not sure about this) Right…But…it's good to finally meet you now. After all these years.

  KEVIN: (as they shake) After all these years.

  DANIEL: (little smile) You know, this is actually very cool because …the whole time I was in high school, I was fully convinced I was the only gay person there.

  KEVIN: You may well have been. I'm straight.

  DANIEL: Sorry?

  KEVIN: Hundred percent hetero.

  DANIEL: But this is a gay bar….

  KEVIN: I know that.

  DANIEL: So …what are you doing here?

  KEVIN: I don't know, I just wanted a beer. I was walking down the street, wanting a beer, and I saw this place—and hey, I enjoy an old Golden Girls episode as much as the next guy.

  DANIEL: Okay …

  KEVIN: Problemo?

  DANIEL: No.

  KEVIN: Gay people are A-OK by Kevin Carpenter.

  DANIEL: Uh-huh …

  KEVIN: (low) Don't worry, I won't tell the old gang your little secret.

  DANIEL: What secret?

  KEVIN: That I saw you here.

  DANIEL: Actually, that's not a secret really …and …what old gang?

  KEVIN: Your pals from high school. Daniel's old buds.

  DANIEL: But I didn't …back then, I didn't have that many close …(suspicious) Exactly who was in my old gang?

  KEVIN: You know.

  DANIEL: Remind me.

  KEVIN: (reaching) Like …Mary …Bill…

  DANIEL: I didn't know anyone by those names, Kevin. And our high school was hardly “enormous.”And come to think of it, I didn't take European history; I took American history, so I'm pretty sure you've got / the wrong guy.

  KEVIN: (cracking up) GOTCHA! Two for two for the Kevinator! I totally had you going there, didn't I?

  DANIEL: (getting angry) You did.

  KEVIN: All the way.

  DANIEL: So you didn't go to my high school….

  KEVIN: Negatory. I've never even seen you before tonight. But you were buying it, the whole thing, I could tell. Right up to the Bill and Mary part.

  DANIEL: Look! Kevin! Why don't you just leave me alone, okay? I said I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I don't know why you're doing this to me. So just…let's just say …good night.

  KEVIN: Hey, I hear ya. Nighty night. (They both stare forward for a moment.)

  DANIEL: (still out, low) How did you know my name?

  KEVIN: (Giggles.) I knew you were gonna say that. I almost said it along with you, swear to God.

  DANIEL: HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?!

  KEVIN: (g
etting angry himself) Whoa …easy there, Paco. Someone left his ATM card at the cash machine next door. With his name imprinted on it. I called out to you on the street, but you didn't hear me. That's why I followed you in here. I didn't want a beer. I couldn't give a flying flapjack about The Golden Girls. (Handing him back his ATM card.) I was being Kevin Good Guy. Got it?

  DANIEL: Well…that was very nice of you.

  KEVIN: You bet it was.

  DANIEL: (Hates to say this.) Thank you …

  KEVIN: (still testy) Damn right about that. (Then, suddenly bright.) Say, lemme buy you a beer!

  DANIEL: No, Kevin, please …

  KEVIN: Come on.

  DANIEL: I just want to finish this one and go home.

  KEVIN: Oh, come on!

  DANIEL: Besides, I mean, if anyone should be buying drinks / here it's…I guess, me.

  KEVIN: What're you drinking? Beck's? DANIEL: I…okay …fine, yes, sure.

  KEVIN: I'll bet you always drink Beck's. I bet you've been drinking Beck's for years.

  DANIEL: That's…I have.

  KEVIN: Well, prepare to break new ground, my friend, because tonight you are drinking a Bacardi Breezer.

  DANIEL: Actually, I'd really prefer a Beck's.

  KEVIN: Voilà, Bacardi Breezer it is! (Hepulls bottled Bacardi Breezer from the inside pocket of the jacket he's wearing, twists off the top, and hands it to DANIEL.)

  DANIEL: Okay, you…so you always bring your own…?

  KEVIN: (insulted) Jeez, ixnay on the udgment-jay.

  DANIEL: What…udgment-jay?

  KEVIN: I'll have you know I bought this legit from the bartender before I walked over here. (Significantly.) I knew.

  DANIEL: You knew what?

  KEVIN: That I could convince you to drink it. I walked in here just as you were buying your beer at the bar. And I watched as you took the change from the bartender and filed it away methodically in your wallet, making sure all the bills faced in the same direction, in order of descending denomination, and I said to myself, “That guy—Daniel Delmonico from the ATM machine—is knee-deep in some major shit and really needs my help.”

  DANIEL: I don't always do that / with my money.

  KEVIN: Then I looked at you, actually studied you for the first time, and thought, “Not only has he got his pocket change under way too much control, he also looks like the kind of guy who only drinks Beck's. Every single time he goes out. He's in a rut, and I'm gonna do my part to pull him out of it. I'm gonna make him switch drinks, if only for a Breezer. It's a baby step, but there you go.”So I bought that rum concoction knowing I could convince you to drink it.

  DANIEL: (a little wounded) I'm not in a rut.

  KEVIN: Sure you are.

  DANIEL: Wait, you know nothing about me….

  KEVIN: Please, you're here every Thursday!

  DANIEL: (suspicious) How do you know that?

  KEVIN: (fast) Ummmm—I'll bet. I'll bet is all I meant. You just seem like that kind of guy. If it's Thursday night, it's Daniel at this bar. Am I right, or am I retarded?

  DANIEL: (hesitant) You're right….

  KEVIN: And why is that, Daniel? Is your life so empty that you feel you have to cling to these meaningless little rituals?

  DANIEL: What? No …No! It's…(embarrassed to admit this) Golden Girls night here on Thursdays.

  KEVIN: Uh-huh. And if you don't mind my asking, what did you have for lunch today?

  DANIEL: Sorry?

  KEVIN: Lunch, Thursday. What'd you nosh on?

  DANIEL: Turkey on wheat toast…

  KEVIN: And yesterday?

  DANIEL: Same thing.

  KEVIN: I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna extrapolate. It's turkey on wheat toast every day, isn't it? Isn't it? It is. It's turkey, isn't it? Isn't it? You've been deeply committed to turkey on wheat toast for about a year now, I'm guessing.

  DANIEL: It's…a couple of years. Ever since I found out how fattening tuna salad was…and this means nothing!

  KEVIN: Oh, it means plenty, Daniel. It speaks volumes about you. On the subway platform each morning, where you do stand? Anywhere? Or always in the same exact spot because you know where the train doors will open?

  DANIEL: Look, just because you bought me a drink doesn't entitle you to grill me like this!

  KEVIN: Grill? Who's grilling? Am I holding a cattle prod? Am I anywhere near your nipples? I'm merely observing. And asking. Observing and asking, that's all I'm doing.

  DANIEL: Well, I'm leaving….

  KEVIN: And what's with this type thing? What's that about?

  DANIEL: (Stops at this.) What…type thing?

  KEVIN: Apparently, I'm not your type. Or so you said.

  DANIEL: You're NOT GAY!

  KEVIN: That's not the point. What is your type?

  DANIEL: I'm not gonna tell you that.

  KEVIN: Why not?

  DANIEL: Because it's none of your business!

  KEVIN: I bet I can guess it.

  DANIEL: No, you can't.

  KEVIN: Latin guys.

  DANIEL: (startled) Why would you guess that?

  KEVIN: It's Latin guys, isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? I'll bet it is. It's Latin guys. Isn't it? Isn't it?

  DANIEL: YES! I'M INTO LATIN GUYS! SO WHAT?!

  KEVIN: So what? So what? I'll tell you so what, Daniel Delmonico from the ATM machine. So what is you're losing out on a world of possibilities and, and experiences that have nothing whatsoever to do with Beck's beer, or turkey on wheat, or Bea Arthur and Betty White and Rue McClanahan. And Estelle Getty.

  DANIEL: Really …

  KEVIN: I don't mean to crawl up on a soapbox here, or into your shrink's chair, but I feel it's my duty as a disinterested third party who just did a good deed on your behalf—so maybe his two cents are worth a dime—to say that you are severely limiting yourself in many aspects of your personal life.

  DANIEL: (bemused) Oh, am I?

  KEVIN: Very much so. In my opinion.

  DANIEL: Well, in my own defense, I'd like to point out that I happen to like my life exactly as I've made it. I like knowing what I'm getting.

  KEVIN: But how boring is that?

  DANIEL: It's comforting.

  KEVIN: (very loud, in his face) HAAA!

  DANIEL: (over, screaming in reaction) HAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! What the fuck was that?!

  KEVIN: That was probably the last thing you thought I was gonna say.

  DANIEL: Excuse me …?

  KEVIN: After you said, “It's comforting.”Of all the responses you thought that might elicit, I'm betting “HAAA!”didn't even make the short list.

  DANIEL: You're right there….

  KEVIN: See! You expect the expected! Loosen up, Dan.

  DANIEL: It's Daniel, Kev.

  KEVIN: Right, fine. Daniel. Let's take what happened with us here tonight—and let's forget about my wife, Viveca, for the moment. And our daughter, Amber, and Helaine, our little finch bird. Let's talk theoretically.

  DANIEL: Theoretically …

  KEVIN: A guy walks up to you in a bar. Me. Now you know nothing about this person standing next to you. This stranger could hold the possibility of, I don't know, a one-night stand that registers on the Richter scale. Or a one-night stand that's truly pathetic, but that blossoms into a deep friendship involving marathon phone calls and hilarious e-mails—AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT FORWARDED JOKES! Or. OR! This stranger could be the man you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with. The man you've been waiting to meet ever since you had a crush on your fifth-grade math teacher.

  DANIEL: I didn't realize I was gay until high school.

  KEVIN: Yeah, but think back, I'm guessing there were crushes.

  DANIEL: (considers) There were misplaced …crushlets.

  KEVIN: Uh-huh, and so this stranger turns to you. Me, I do that. And I say, “Hey,”and you say, “Hey,”but that's where it stops in your mind because my name probably isn't Hernando.

  DANIEL: Kevin …

  KEVIN: That's
no way to wander through the world, my friend. With blinders on. Choices made. Low-fat meals preselected months before the flight. I used to be just like you! Set in my ways at an early age, knowing exactly what my life would hold. And look at me now. I'm in a gay bar on a Thursday night, and I can tell you this—when I woke up this morning, I never imagined for a second I'd end up here.

  DANIEL: That's…I'm sure that's true.

  KEVIN: But…(Glances at his watch.) Sheesh, I've gotta get going. It's Amber's birthday today. She turned four. She's gonna get her first Barbie in about half an hour.

  DANIEL: Wow, really …tell her happy birthday for me.

  KEVIN: Will do. Hey, you have a good night, Daniel Delmonico. It was cool sharing a drink with you.

  DANIEL: Yeah …Yeah, it was.

  (KEVIN starts to go, then stops.)

  KEVIN: May I ask you just one more little question?

  DANIEL: Sure.

  KEVIN: It's an ego thing.

  DANIEL: Fine.

  KEVIN: And again, we're in theory land, it's just…well, now that we've talked, now that you know me a little …would you give a card-carrying Caucasian guy like me a chance? (Then.) You would, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? You would. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

  DANIEL: (laughing, frustrated) CHRIST, YOU DRIVE ME TOTALLY INSANE!!

  KEVIN: See, now, I think that's a very healthy start.

  DANIEL: I don't know. …I guess you are sort of charming. In a totally psychotic kind of way. Sure, what the hell.

  (Little beat.)

  KEVIN: AND SCORE THREE FOR THE KEVINATOR!!!

  DANIEL: No way …no fucking way …

  KEVIN: WHOOSH! KEVIN DOESN'T CHOKE ON THE BIG ONE!!

  DANIEL: Hold on, so you're actually …?

  KEVIN: Yep, full-on gay. Completely queer. A great big bucket o'nell.

  DANIEL: I don't believe this….