Stay

by Ivy Kovacs

  - Believe me, you were. –

  - I’m an orphan, dad! – I shrieked. – Mom died and you didn’t care about your own daughter! Your own blood! You left like it was the easiest thing to do... – Tears escaped my eyes but I tried to fight them back.

  - You know nothing about how hard it was for me to leave you! – He yelled and my body shuddered. I remembered the stories mom told me... how he argued with her. He was a neuropath alcohol addict who abused her. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to come here.

  - Then why did you? – I lowered my voice, shyly.

  - I had to. – He lowered his and looked away from my face.

  - Why? – I repeated, eager to hear the truth straight from his mouth.

  - Because I was a mess, Grace! I hurt your mother and I saw the fear in your eyes when you looked at me. You were little but not stupid. You grasped what was happening around you. I couldn’t stay. – His eyes filled with tears and mine rolled down on my cheeks again.

  - You should’ve changed and stayed. – I mumbled in a low voice.

  - I thought I was ready for a kid, but I wasn’t. – He chugged the second glass of whiskey too. He still had alcohol issues...

  - You can’t make someone and abandon them. – I said looking into his eyes. – Do you have any idea how bad it was for us at first? And grandma? And Sebastian? They are your family! Why didn’t you talk to them? – I started questioning him.

  - They chose your mother’s side. – He grumbled and refilled his glass again. I grabbed the glass and yanked it away from his hand. His dark brown eyes glared deeply into my soul and I felt my hands tremble from fear. I was terrified of this unknown man who was my father.

  - There were no sides. They cared about me, unlike you. – I said coldly. I felt like I was just inflaming the blazing fire even more.

  - You wouldn’t understand. – He grumbled and I could see the alcohol affect his brain, his moving and concentration slowed.

  - Explain it then. – I demanded. I had to step on my feet and ask the questions I needed to be answered because otherwise, I came here for nothing.

  - No, Grace. –

  - Yes! – I raised my voice.

  - I know I haven’t been around but I am your father so be respectful. – He narrowed his eyes and glared at me.

  - I won’t respect someone who’s a liar and a cheater. – I looked into the similar pair of eyes that belonged to his wrinkled face.

  - You’re right. – He mumbled, swirling the gold liquid around in his fancy crystal glass. – I’m afraid I can’t give you the answers you want. –

  - There’s a difference between don't want to and can't. –

  - I’m sorry I left you alone. I was scared to mess your life up and our relationship with your mother wasn’t good. – He began.

  - Because you didn’t love her and cheated. – I commented.

  - I did love her. After she birthed you she was different... – He grimaced painfully.

  - Carrying another life inside you for nine months then giving birth to it can change you. – I said sarcastically.

  - I told you, you wouldn’t understand. – He chuckled without humor in his tone. – You are just as stubborn as I am. –

  - Don’t compare me to you. – I rolled my eyes.

  - You can’t deny the blood that runs in your veins. –

  - Okay, I’ve had enough of this conversation. – I jumped up from my seat.

  - Please... stay. – His hand reached to grab mine but I yanked my hand away.

  - You’ll have to work a lot harder to maintain somewhat of a relationship with me. – I said looking into his eyes.

  - I understand. – He nodded once, his face distorted with pain once again. Were my words hurting him?

  I nodded once and walked towards the door. I grabbed the knob and stopped in the doorway. – Call your mother. She’s missed you more than anyone. – I looked at him and he bowed his head once.

  I opened the door and walked out of his house, getting into the car, and drove away. My head was clouded again. I tried to understand his actions and words and see what he meant but it was so incomprehensible.

  - Gracie! – My grandmother shrieked my name and hugged me tightly as I walked inside the house. I should’ve told her my plan before I left.

  - I went to see him. – I stated and her tight grip loosened on me.

  - How is he? – She asked, her eyes hopeful and hurt.

  - More than better. – I rolled my eyes annoyed. – Still the asshole he used to be. –

  - Grace! –

  - It’s the truth, nana. I’m sorry. – I mumbled and walked upstairs to my room.

  The night was even rougher than yesterday. The anger I felt towards my uncle and Dylan was towards my father now. This was the exact reason I didn’t want to get to know him in the first place. I knew he wouldn’t satisfy the needs I had, meaning he wouldn’t be how I imagined him.

  The next morning I decided to turn my phone back on. It exploded with the missed calls and the hundreds of messages I got from Dom, Debby, Rebecca, and Dylan... His last message was sent 10 minutes ago. I could only read the first line but it said “Please, call me, baby. I want to...”. I guessed the second part said something like “I want to explain” or “I want to know you’re okay”. I didn’t open any of the messages.

  I heard Uncle Seb’s voice downstairs but I didn’t walk down to meet him. Though my anger evaporated, I still felt betrayed. I opened my door slightly to hear their conversation better.

  - How is she? – He asked from my grandma. His voice sounded very concerned.

  - She’s hurt... She went to see him yesterday. – Grandma responded. – She didn’t get the answers she hoped to get. –

  - I knew I should’ve told her sooner... David pushed it way too far this time. –

  - I’m sure he had good intentions, Sebastian. – Grandma said defending her younger son, as always. She had so much love for him, even after all she’s been through because of him.

  - I shouldn’t have agreed to his conditions... – He mumbled and I closed the door. His conditions? What conditions did he have? So Seb didn’t lie to protect me but because he agreed not to tell me?

  I understood Seb’s side better now, but I couldn’t grasp why Dylan lied too. Why did my uncle tell him and not me? He was a completely new person in our lives yet he trusted him enough to tell the truth.

  forty-two

  I missed two days of school unintentionally already, therefore I couldn't miss more. I went to school the next day, driving with my grandma's Toyota. I blasted my songs as I drove which helped me concentrate on the road. Otherwise, my mind surely would've wondered about the complicated situation I was in.

  I parked down the car and looked around to see who was outside. I didn't want to be the reason for another school-drama so I decided to act like nothing happened. I would ignore Dylan and my dad, but no one would notice because I would be with Dom and Debby.

  I was alone in my first few classes. Debby and Dom weren't in my classes and Dylan wasn't at school. A part of me was happy about it but another part of me – the bigger part – missed him dearly. I missed seeing his dorky grin whenever he saw me, his soft kisses, and how he held my hand every time we walked down the hallway together. I would have to let him explain himself sooner or later... But today wasn't the day for that.

  Dylan didn't come to school for the rest of the week. Dom and Debby tried to be my company but I barely listened to what they said. I couldn't seem to shut my mind off, which was now thinking about Dylan only.

  My dad avoided me during school but he tried to keep in touch by asking me to meet him again. I didn't respond to his messages either. What I wanted was to be alone, at least until graduation which was in three days.

  I wrote my invitations but debated on who I should give them to. I was late with sending them but everyone I knew lived in my area. I knew it would be wrong not to participate in my own graduation so I gathered the invitation
s and dropped them off at my godparent's house. I had one signed for Dylan and I was sitting in the car, parked in front of Max's place. My heart ached when I thought about him.

  Max let me in so I walked upstairs to their apartment.

  - Hey, um. Is Dylan home? – I asked shyly and peeked inside the apartment.

  - No, he's not. I could let him know you are here, though. – Max said kindly but I shook my head.

  - That's alright. Just give this to him if you see him, please. – I said handing him an envelope that was addressed to Dylan.

  - Sure. – He took it from me. – Are you guys alright? He's been pretty off since last week. – He asked looking at me.

  - I don't know... – I sighed deeply. – He lied to me and I needed time to understand why he did it. –

  - He told us. – Oliver looked at us from the couch. – I mean that he lied to you and you were mad at him. – He added.

  - He's very sorry, Grace. I haven't seen him this heartbroken. Not even when he left his mom. – Max looked into my eyes and I knew he was telling the truth.

  - I'm sorry. – I mumbled.

  - No, I didn't mean it that way! You don't need to be sorry. He messed up but all I'm saying is, that he regrets it and he loves you more than anyone. –

  - Thanks. – I said and gave them a soft smile. My eyes were probably glossy but I wasn't going to cry.

  - See you at graduation. – Oliver said friendly and I nodded walking away. It was so weird seeing them care about me and Dylan so deeply. They must've really liked me. I liked them too, they were great friends to Dylan, besides their inappropriate behaviors.

  I couldn't cancel out the thoughts on my way to my grandma's place. Where was Dylan if he wasn't here? He was surely not at his mother's. He'd never be that desperate to go there. Maybe he was eating out, or meeting Cam or Debby somewhere. He probably wasn't with a girl...

  I woke up in the same room I woke up in nine months ago when I started this school. I remember how nervous I felt weeks before that day, but I wasn’t anxious now. During these nine months, I changed completely. Back then I was this broken girl, who couldn’t understand why she was here and now... I was a young woman, ready to move back to where I came from and start university.

  The last day of school was never emotional before, but I was feeling sensitive today. I will truly miss this place. The school really grew on me in the short period of time that I spent here.

  I got ready without putting much effort into it and drove to school for one last time. Everybody in my class was chatting as I entered the classroom. I thought Dylan would show up, but he wasn’t there. Debby and Dom waved at me so I sat down next to them.

  - I can’t believe it’s almost over. – Debby sighed.

  - I’ll miss this place. – I said and Debby agreed.

  - Have you broken in your new shoes for tomorrow? – She asked looking at me with curious eyes.

  - Yeah, totally. – I lied. I haven’t seen those shoes since I’ve bought them. I will probably break my ankles tomorrow. – Have 911 on speed dial, just in case. –

  - I surely will. – Dom chuckled teasingly.

  - Have you heard that Sophie and James broke up? – Debby asked and my eyes narrowed.

  - No, but I was sure it wouldn’t last long. –

  - Well, James is pretty bummed about it. – Debby added. I glanced towards James who was sitting with the guys in the other side of the room. He did seem unhappy.

  - I’ll talk to him later. – I mentioned and looked back at Debby and Dom.

  After class, I rushed after James and caught his arm. – James! Hi. – I smiled slightly when he stopped and turned around.

  - Hey, Grace. – His eyes weren’t the happy eyes I remembered. Sophie really messed him up.

  - How are you? – I asked, dancing around the real topic.

  - I’m alright, I guess. – He shrugged. – I’m single again, though. – He scratched the back of his head and tried to fake a smile.

  - I’m so sorry, James... I know how hard it must be for you now. –

  - Same goes for you. I heard you and Dylan broke up. –

  My knees trembled and I felt the blood leave my cheeks. Did Dylan consider us broken up? We hadn’t talked for almost two weeks now but we haven’t said we were broken up... A small piece of my heart shattered again.

  - It’s complicated... – I murmured looking away from him.

  - I’m sorry. –

  - I’ll see you in class. – I said without looking at him and walked away towards my locker. So the whole school knew something was up with us. I remembered the girls who said I wouldn’t last long for Dylan back at the fall match. Maybe they were right...

  forty-three

  When I got to my grandma’s I made the mistake of opening Dylan’s messages. My heart shattered, even more, when I read the last few messages.

  Grace, please. I fucked up. I’m sorry.

  I know you want to be alone right now so I’ll give you privacy.

  I love you.

  The last text was sent the night before he stopped coming to school. I found myself sobbing for a good ten minutes before my body felt exhausted. I was so debilitated from all the stress that had built up in me that I cried myself to sleep again, after eight months.

  I dreamed again that night. I was sitting next to my mom in a sunbed on the beach. The sun was radiating as we watched the waves of the ocean. It felt marvelous to be there next to her. I watched as her slightly more tanned skin soaked up the sun rays, while my light ivory skin reflected them.

  As I was gazing at my beautiful mother, I heard laughter coming from the ocean. Dylan was walking out of the water, his wet body sparkling in the light. He flashed his glorious smile and I felt like I melted into my chair like an ice sculpture left out in the sun.

  I smiled brightly to myself as I observed him. I peeked over to my sunbathing mother and when I looked back at Dylan, he was standing with my father as they wrestled in the sand. I was glued to the bed and no one could hear my screams. I turned my head shrieking mutely, and what was left where my mother sat a second ago, was blood smeared across the sunbed.

  My dad kept punching Dylan even though he was already on the verge of unconsciousness. I screamed again, trying to stop them but then I felt a pair of warm hands grab me. I jumped awakening myself. At first, I didn’t know where I was but then I saw my grandmother’s terrified eyes and her hands that were on my shoulder trying to comfort me.

  - It’s okay, Gracie. It was just a dream. – She held me in her arms as I tried to even my breathing. I understood everything clearly now. My father was the villain of my story.

  I woke up later than I should have. I couldn’t sleep back after I woke up from the nightmare. I was too afraid I would dream about them again.

  I walked downstairs making myself cereal for breakfast. I wasn’t hungry at all but I had to force down a few bites so I wouldn’t faint on my own graduation in front of hundreds of people.

  - How are you, honey? – Nana caressed my back gently when she walked into the kitchen.

  - I’m fine. – I said curtly. – I’m sorry I woke you up. – I remembered the countless times she had woken up to my screaming. She probably felt relieved when they stopped, but now they were back... She wouldn’t have to listen to them for long, though. I was going to leave to Florida in June anyway.

  - Are you ready to graduate? – She changed the subject graciously and smiled as she made herself a coffee.

  - I guess so. – I swallowed the food from my mouth. – Do you think they’ll come? – I asked and felt my stomach flutter. Anxiety was a ‘great’ friend of mine again.

  - I’m sure they will. They know you just needed time to process everything that had fallen upon you. – Her face slightly distorted but she tried to keep her convincing smile on.

  I nodded and finished my breakfast in silence. I showered and washed my hair before I got ready. I dried and curled my hair into light curls and took my ti
me to do my makeup nicely. Thank God for whoever invented concealer, it came as a lifesaver after the restless night I had.

  I picked up the dress I bought last week with Debby and put it on. It looked just as perfect as it did back then. The only exception was me because I did not look like I used to.

  I managed to stumble downstairs in the heels I bought and held my small bag, my graduation gown, and hat in my hand. – Oh my... – Nana stood in the kitchen ready to go. – You look outstandingly beautiful, Gracie. –

  - Thanks nana. – I gave her a soft smile.

  - Grace. – Sebastian stepped next to my grandma and bowed his head once as a greeting.

  - Hi Seb. – I responded shyly.

  - You look gorgeous, Grace. – Rebecca stood next to my uncle. They were all dressed up nicely: Seb in a tux, Rebecca in a beautiful yellow dress, and Lily wearing a white flowy skirt.

  - Thanks, Aunt Bex. – I gave her a soft smile. – So do you guys. – I complimented kindly.

  - Shall we? – Seb asked and we walked to his car, then drove to my school together. The school’s parking lot was stuffed with cars so they dropped me off and searched for a spot nearby.

  I stumbled in my heels as I strolled to the field where the ceremony would take place. My eyes searched for people I knew and then I spotted Dylan’s friends forming a circle. Nathan’s hand was wrapped around Debby’s waist and Cameron, Max, Oliver, and James were standing next to them. I approached them confidently, to lie about the fact that I was about to dislocate my ankles.

  - Hi guys. – I smiled stepping into their circle. As soon as I looked at them more closely my eyes met the familiar pair of ocean blue eyes. Dylan stood there in a white button-up shirt and black jeans. His curly hair was well-done, not messy like it was usually. His face turned white as soon as he saw me.

  - Grace, wow! – Oliver said speechlessly. Everyone was staring at me so I blushed and smiled softly.

  - I am literally only seconds away from breaking my ankle in these, but Deb insisted. – I looked down at my shoes.

  - Dom has 911 on speed dial. – Debby laughed.