Unbaked Croakies: A Magical Cozy Mystery with Talking Animals (Enchanting Inquiries Book 1)

by Sam Cheever

  I threw back my head and screamed, my voice throbbing with rage, as whatever had me in its grip wrapped its way down my body and to my hips. I struggled and kicked, trying to expel the gnomes, which were inexplicably still attacking me despite the fact that the vining had me firmly in its grip.

  “Naida!” Sebille screamed again. “You have to stop fighting.”

  I was too frantic to listen. I struggled until I was coated in sweat, my body throbbing from the pain the gnomes had inflicted and the new damage I was doing to myself in the battle against the vines.

  My feet left the ground, the vines carrying me toward the ceiling high above, and I was shocked into sudden silence.

  “It’s okay,” Sebille yelled again. She was standing near the door, hands lifted and green energy bathing the air between her and the massive tree.

  As I was lifted safely away from the gnomes, the vines a gentle, but firm vehicle for my flight toward the spot where Alice and Sebille waited, my gaze slid along the vining to where it began, wrapped around the trunk of the tree.

  Sebille’s magic.

  Not the gnomes.

  Thank the goddess. I expelled a breath that carried some of my terror with it. And let myself go limp in the gentle grasp of the sprite’s magic.

  I was going to survive.

  But holy hippopotamus in a Humvee, I was gonna be sore.

  14

  Make Me A Magic Muffin Mister

  I heard the bell clang through the library the next morning and knew I needed to get up, but my entire body felt like one giant bruise and I couldn’t make myself do it.

  Just the weight of the covers on my skin was causing agony to throb through me.

  I lay there for a long moment, trying to open my eyes. It was like somebody had glued them shut. I finally gave up, started to roll over to get into a better position to go back to sleep, and sucked in a gasp as the pulsating pain suffusing my body exploded into tsunami-level misery.

  I gave a little scream and went perfectly still.

  A moment later, footsteps sounded on the concrete floor. I lay as still as I could, my eyes open and tears of pain sliding down my cheeks.

  “Naida?” Alice’s voice filtered toward me through the looming stacks of artifacts. “Are you okay?”

  Moving only my eyes, I tracked her as she appeared from behind the shelves. When she saw me, her eyes went wide. “Blimey,” she breathed.

  I forced myself to speak, though I was afraid that moving my lips might set off another wave of torment. “I’m okay. Just a little sore.”

  She shook her head. “Rubbish. You look bloody awful. Stay there. I’ll call Doctor Whom.” She turned on her heel and clip-clopped away.

  Thinking of the medicine the good doctor would be offering, I grimaced. We didn’t really need any more rodents running around. “You don’t need to,” I called out, a tinge of desperation in my voice. But, per usual, Alice ignored me.

  “Maybe he’ll be too busy,” I murmured sleepily, letting my eyes drift closed again. Sometime later, I jolted awake again to the sensation of heat running over my body. A sweet, floral scent filled the air and I recognized it as magic. My eyes jerked open in sudden panic. I jumped when I spotted the woman bending over me. “Sebille! You scared me.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You scared yourself.” The sprite sat back, lines of weariness on her long, homely face as she stared at me. “How do you feel?”

  I grimaced, hoping Sebille’s presence there meant that Alice had been unable to contact the doc. “I’m fine. Really. Will you help me talk Alice out of calling Doctor Whom?”

  “Already done.”

  “He’s busy and I…” My lips slammed closed as I realized I didn’t need to convince her. “Oh. Thanks for that.”

  She frowned and continued to sit on the edge of the bed as if waiting for me to do something. I had no idea what. The one thing I really needed to do, I was pretty sure Sebille didn’t want me to tell her about. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the ladies…” I shoved back the covers and sat up, jolting to a stop. My eyes went wide. “Wait… I’m not in agony all over my body anymore.”

  Sebille’s lips curved slightly upward in the corners. She nodded once and stood. “I can go then.”

  I reached out and touched her hand. “You did this?”

  She fidgeted nervously, looking uncomfortable at the idea of having to answer my question. Finally, she just shrugged.

  “Thank you so much. This is amazing.” I rolled my shoulders and then stretched my arms over my head. There was a slight tightness in my lower back, a touch of tenderness, but the pain was all but gone. “You’re a goddess.”

  Sebille snorted out a laugh. “If you believe that, you haven’t been paying attention. I’ll see you up front when you’re…erm…” She shrugged again. “See you in a few minutes.”

  I nodded, happy that she wasn’t leaving Croakies. I wanted to pick her brain about everything that had happened the night before. And about the suitcase.

  I wasn’t sure how forthcoming Alice was going to be about it, and I wanted Sebille there to help me drag it out of her. The Keeper knew more than she was letting on about the artifact and what it did.

  Which might mean she knew more about Gido’s death than she was letting on too. The thought made me frown. “See you in a few.”

  A quick, hot shower and two cups of tea later, I narrowed my gaze on Alice. “What’s up with the flushing situation up there?”

  Alice laughed. “You don’t like to sing?”

  Sebille looked from one to the other of us, clearly confused.

  I grimaced. “It’s kind of tacky, don’t you think?”

  Alice laughed again, clearly enjoying herself. “It was like that when I got here. A previous Keeper having a bit of fun at our expense, I expect.”

  “What are you talking about?” Sebille asked.

  I grinned. “The toilet in Alice’s apartment doesn’t flush normally. You have to sing the Make Me a Magic Muffin Mister song while jiggling the handle for it to flush.”

  Sebille grimaced. “Ew.”

  I laughed at her reaction. “Yeah. It’s pretty weird.”

  “I’ve never heard of that song,” Sebille said. “How’d you know the words?”

  “They’re printed on the wall above the loo,” Alice explained. “Enhanced with a spell, so the tune is inherent inside the lyrics.”

  Sebille settled back in her chair. “Okay, I’m intrigued. Sing it for me.”

  Alice and I shared a look and a smile. She gave me a little nod and we broke into song.

  Make me a magic muffin mister. Make me a magic song. Don’t forget to jiggle now, and you’ll never get it wrong. Make me a magic muffin mister and don’t be in a rush. Because if you don’t sing the magic muffin song, you won’t ever get a flush.

  From above our heads came the sound of a toilet flushing. The toilet in the small bathroom at the back of the bookstore flushed shortly after that.

  I laughed. “I didn’t know the one down here was tied to the magic too. The flusher works normally.”

  Alice shrugged. “I added that when I came. It’s handy.”

  Smiling widely, Sebille ate another bite of her donut. We ate and drank tea in companionable silence for a few minutes, until Sebille set her mug down on the table with a soft thump, her gaze sliding around the bookstore. “Where’d you put the suitcase?”

  “Somewhere safe,” Alice said evasively. “After the last time, I wasn’t taking any chances.”

  I settled my gaze on Alice. “What’s the deal with that thing, anyway? Why is everybody after it?”

  Alice stared down at her tea. She was silent for long enough that I opened my mouth to nudge her. But she finally looked up, skimming a gaze from me to Sebille. “I should have been paying closer attention.” She sighed. “It’s one of a very few rare artifacts that have dimensional bending properties.”

  Sebille went very still, but I was confused. “What does that mean, ex
actly?”

  “It means it’s very dangerous. And very useful to the wrong element,” Alice responded.

  When I shook my head, lifting my hands in frustration, Sebille clarified what Alice seemed unwilling to share. “Plane bending artifacts allow users to travel from one spot to another within a dimension in the blink of an eye.”

  “Or from one dimension to another,” Alice added, her expression dire. “But that takes a lot more out of the user than intra-dimensional travel.”

  I thought about what they’d told me for a moment, remembering the unexplained robberies Grym had mentioned. “Could it be used to step inside a bank vault, for example, and steal everything inside?”

  “Precisely,” Alice said, looking a little gray. “If Detective Grym finds out we have it, we’ll be in for a real bollocking.”

  I had no idea what that was, but it didn’t sound good. “He can’t blame us that the suitcase ended up at Croakies.”

  Sebille’s gaze locked onto Alice’s, causing the Keeper to flinch. “No. But he can certainly blame you for not knowing what it was immediately and locking it down properly,” Sebille said in a quiet voice.

  Alice got up so suddenly that her chair toppled backward. She walked away from it, toward the tea counter, and began making herself another cup of tea as if she hadn’t just been called out by the sprite.

  Unless you counted the stiff and jerky way she performed the task.

  I gave Sebille my best holy humperdink look and she nodded.

  Alice was a bit calmer when she returned to the table. “I’ll contact the Universal governing body today and offer my resignation.”

  Silence throbbed between us. I looked from one to the other of the two women. Something big had just happened, and I’d somehow missed it. I lifted my brows at Sebille, willing her to fix whatever it was.

  She rolled her eyes. “I doubt that’s necessary,” she told Alice. “But you should tell them about the situation. They might have an idea of how to deal with it.”

  Alice nodded but didn’t speak.

  Finally, Sebille stood up. “I’ll go.” She threw me a look and then headed for the door.

  Since Alice didn’t say anything, I spoke up. “Thanks for your help, Sebille. And for…fixing…me this morning.”

  She inclined her head, skimmed a final glance at Alice, and left.

  Alice dropped her head into her hands. She looked utterly miserable.

  I struggled with whether I should just quietly leave, give her some privacy and time to pull herself together, or try to smooth things over.

  I opted for the latter because…well, to be honest, I was still curious about it all. “Don’t worry, Alice, it’ll all work out.”

  She said nothing, her head still in her hands.

  I tried again. “You shouldn’t let Sebille’s opinion get to you. She’s just one sprite after all.” I chewed my bottom lip, feeling like I was talking to myself.

  Alice’s head snapped up. “Just one sprite?” she all but shrieked at me.

  I flinched, suddenly realizing I should have gone with my first instinct and escaped to my little hidey-hole.

  “Just one sprite,” she repeated as if she couldn’t believe how stupid I was. “That’s just brilliant.”

  Judging by her tone of voice, I was pretty sure that word didn’t mean what I thought it meant. I should have kept my mouth shut. “I’m…sorry?” I said, not exactly sure what I was sorry about.

  Alice laughed a bit hysterically. “Just my luck we’d run into her on the street. Just my bloody luck.”

  I was starting to suspect that maybe Sebille was not what I thought she was either. “Who is she?”

  Alice took a deep breath and let it out in a long, unsteady breath. “Only the princess of the bloody fae in Enchanted,” Alice said angrily. “That’s all.”

  15

  Now We’re Getting To The Meat Of It

  I busied myself all day selling books and taking care of bookstore business. Alice had taken herself up to her room not long after Sebille left, pleading a headache. I’d heard her yelling at someone shortly afterward and figured she’d called her superiors as she’d said she was going to do.

  I was half afraid she’d come marching through the dividing door any minute with a packed suitcase and announce that she was leaving.

  The thought made my armpits sweat and stars burst before my eyes.

  Down by my feet, Fenwald made a small sound of concern and I glanced down at him, getting a tentative paw to the thigh in question.

  “I’m fine, Fenny. Just feeling a little insecure. You’re not going anywhere anytime soon, are you?”

  The big cat gave me a throaty yowl and rubbed against my leg, wrapping his enormous form around both of my calves before heading for a bright square of afternoon sunshine for a nap and a bath. It was his usual routine and nothing seemed to interfere with it.

  I smiled as he flopped heavily onto the carpet and rolled onto his back, all four long legs beating the air as he batted at dust motes dancing in a sunbeam.

  If only my life were as simple as Fenwald’s.

  The bell jangled on the front door and Lea walked inside. She smiled at me. “How’s it going, Naida?”

  I briefly considered telling her about the possible legal kerfuffle with the suitcase, but decided that would be disloyal to Alice. The poor woman needed someone on her side in the current mess. “Busy and terrifying.” I grinned to lighten my comment.

  “Terrifying? What’s going on?”

  I quickly told her about our adventure at Gnomish the night before.

  By the time I finished, her face was filled with concern. “Gnomes can be really dangerous, Naida. You shouldn’t mess with them.” She cocked her head. “You’re lucky you got out of there alive.”

  “We were lucky to have Sebille along,” I said.

  Lea grimaced slightly and then quickly smoothed her features, nodding.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “No, really, Lea. Tell me. I’m feeling my way along here. If you can shine some light on anything…anything at all…it would be a huge help.”

  Lea crossed her arms over her chest and seemed to be carefully considering her words. Finally, she said. “She’s just not my favorite person.”

  “Sebille? Why?”

  “I find her a bit…” As she struggled with the right word, my mind surprised me by filling in a few that were less than flattering.

  “Bossy?” I suggested.

  Lea’s brows rose and she nodded. “That could work.”

  “Condescending?”

  “Yes, yes, that one fits nicely.”

  “Judgmental?”

  “Now we’re getting to the meat of it,” Lea said in an “atta boy” tone of voice.

  I grinned. “She’s a bit hard to take. But she saved our lives at Gnomish, and she healed me this morning. She didn’t have to do any of that.”

  Lea got a strange look on her face. “Didn’t she?”

  “What are you implying?”

  The dividing door opened and Alice walked into the store holding the dreaded suitcase. She blinked in surprise when she saw Lea. “Oh. Hullo, sweetums.”

  “Hey, Alice. How are you?”

  “Aces.” Alice’s smile seemed forced.

  I glanced at the suitcase artifact, alarmed to see it in her hands. “Where are you going with that?”

  The Keeper bristled at my question and then seemed to catch herself, giving me another strained smile. “I’m taking it to the PTB. It’s too dangerous to leave here.”

  Lea was staring at the suitcase with a look of horror on her face.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked her.

  She didn’t seem to hear me. I reached out and touched her arm. “Lea?”

  She blinked and turned to me. “What?”

  “Is there something wrong with the suitcase?”

  She shook her head, her body overtaken by a violent shudder. “The aura is…” She s
huddered again.

  “A red so deep it’s almost black,” Alice said, nodding. “Like blood.”

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “Evil,” they both said at once.

  Awesome sauce.

  “You should call Grym and ask him for protection while you travel with that thing,” I told her, sudden worry tightening my chest.

  “I’ll be fine, Naida. But thank you for your concern, sweetums.” She glanced toward the big cat stretched out in the fading sun. “I’m leaving Fenwald here. Do you think you can give him his dinner precisely at five?”

  “Of course. Where are you meeting the PTB?” I asked.

  “Enchanted park, near the pavilion. I shouldn’t be long.” She headed for the door, her steps brisk. “Ta!”

  As the door closed behind her, Lea turned worried eyes to me. “She shouldn’t be alone out there with that thing.”

  As if to verify Lea’s concern, Fenwald suddenly jumped up from his spot on the rug and ran to the front door, yowling and hissing in obvious feline hysteria.

  Lea’s words confirmed what I’d been thinking. “Should we call Grym?”

  She shook her head. “The PTB are anonymous by choice and necessity, Naida. The Universe wouldn’t thank us for bringing the Enchanted Police into this.”

  “Then what?” I asked.

  She thought about it for a moment and then grabbed my arm. “Lock up the store. I’ll meet you out front in five minutes.”

  Lea’s car wasn’t really a car. She drove one of those baby trucks that were only good for carrying small stuff in the truck bed and barely big enough for two people in the front. On the positive side, it was bumble-bee yellow.

  As I climbed into the cab, I gave Lea a raised eyebrow look.

  “What?” she asked defensively.

  “This thing glows in the dark. It’s not exactly conducive to following discreetly.”

  She grinned. “I put a cloaking spell on it. It will kick in every time we get within two blocks of Alice’s car.”