by Erin Osborne
The kids and I spend the next few days ignoring phone calls and anyone knocking on the door. I make it a game of hide and seek anytime we hear a noise outside. Making them afraid is not my goal, but if it’s fun to hide when someone knocks for now, then it’s a win.
Eventually, I’ll have to answer the door. Grave will be home and he won’t let me ignore him. I’ll just have to think of something to tell him when he gets back. He’s been calling, messaging, and I’m sure he’s sent people here to check on us. I don’t want to lie to him, but I have to do something.
Chapter Nine
Grave
OTHER THAN THE message I got from Vanessa last night, I haven’t heard from her. It’s driving me crazy because the feeling in my stomach still hasn’t gone away. I know without a doubt something is going on with her. There’s nothing I can do because I’m over a day’s ride away at this point in time. Not exactly good when something is wrong at home.
Our schedule hasn’t permitted me to try to get ahold of anyone from home either. I’m trying to keep an eye on the road, the van with Bentley driving it, and the rest of the guys I’m riding with. Thoughts of Vanessa aren’t exactly conducive to keeping my head in the game though.
We’re just about at the drop off point when my phone rings. I answer it through the Bluetooth in my helmet.
“’Lo?” I ask, not sure who’s calling me.
“Grave, I know you’re on a run and don’t need to be concerned, but have you heard from Vanessa?” Cassidy asks me.
“She messaged me last night. Said she was doin’ okay because I’d been tryin’ to call her,” I tell her, dread and worry filling me. “What’s goin’ on?”
“I’m not sure. She came in the day you left and grabbed the mail. Since then no one has seen or heard from her. Vanessa hasn’t even taken the kids outside to play,” Cassidy tells me.
“What? That doesn’t sound like her. I know she was nervous about havin’ the kids go to the daycare, but she wouldn’t let that keep her inside. Who’s tried goin’ to her house?” I ask, my level of worry ratcheting up even higher.
“I’ve been by there twice so far. Natasha can’t for obvious reasons. I don’t know who else to send over there. I mean, I can try Callie and Hadliegh,” she says.
“Okay. I’m gonna try callin’ her again. When we stop, I’ll send her a message and see if she answers. Don’t let anyone you don’t know on the property. I’ll make sure Bishop knows this too. No deliveries right now. At least until I can get ahold of Renegade,” I tell her, hanging up the phone.
I call Bishop and let him know not to let anyone near the compound. If he doesn’t know them, they’re not getting in. No matter what. The only thing running through my mind is her ex has contacted her somehow. Fuck!
We pull into the meeting spot and I can already tell this is gonna be a clusterfuck. The guys we’re meeting are all lounging around and there’s the pungent aroma of weed lingering in the air. I don’t give a fuck what anyone does. But, you don’t fuck with anything when you’re on a damn run. I’m not going to take this shit.
After we all pull over and get off our bikes, I pull Psycho aside and let him know what’s going on with Vanessa. He tells me to call his brother while the rest of them deal with the asshats in front of us. He’s just as pissed as I am about this shit. It’s just not good business to show up to a meet while high off your ass.
I pull my phone out and bring up Renegade’s name. He answers on the first ring.
“I’m sorry to bother you, Prez. Congrats on the new additions to your family,” I tell him.
“What’s goin’ on?” he asks.
“Cassidy called me. No one’s seen or heard from Vanessa since yesterday. I told Bishop not to let anyone in the compound he doesn’t know. I’ve tried callin’ her and she’s not answerin’. I’m gonna message her in a minute,” I tell him, my voice almost frantic.
“Okay. I’ll send Hawk over in a little bit. What about Callie and Hadliegh?” he asks.
“Cassidy said she’d try them too. It’s gotta be her ex, Prez,” I say.
“Okay. We’ll make sure no one gets in or out of the compound until you get home. How’s the meet?” he asks.
“The meet-up with Stitch was fine. Everythin’ as expected. Not sure about right now. Your brother is dealin’ with them. But, they’re high as fuck,” I tell him.
Renegade lets out a slew of cuss words. I know he’s still in the hospital with the babies and his wife, but he doesn’t give a fuck. He’s pissed and everyone around him will know it.
“Get on with the drop off and get home. We’ll watch over your woman until you get here,” he tells me hanging up the phone.
I turn my attention back to the meet at hand. Psycho has a guy on the ground and no one else is moving. I walk my way over there to find out what’s going on.
“What’s the problem?” I ask, letting every emotion I’m feeling fill my voice.
“This little scumbag not only offered us drugs, but called us a bunch of pussies because we don’t partake when we’re on a run,” Psycho tells me.
The asshole on the ground is bleeding from his face already. I know Psycho is rearing for a fight and this guy is about to get one.
“Is this really how you conduct business?” I ask, turning my attention to the rest of the assholes.
Ink may be our Vice President, but he’s letting us handle this mess while he double checks the money. None of the guys before us say a word.
“Let me tell you how this is gonna work,” I growl out. “I’m gonna stand here and my friend is gonna do what he’s gotta do. When we leave here, we’re gonna let Stitch know what happened today. You’re more than likely gonna be findin’ a new supplier for your shit. So, if you have a boss of your own, please let him know you fucked up and this is all on you.”
“You can’t make that decision,” the guy on the ground says.
“The fuck we can’t. Stitch won’t be comin’ here, and I doubt he’ll take your calls after I get off the phone with him,” I answer. “Psycho, do your thing.”
I stand back and make sure no one decides to help the fucknut on the ground out. Psycho lands punch after punch. When the guy starts covering his head, Psycho unleashes kicks on his body. The man doesn’t know what the hell is happening to him right now. He sure as fuck doesn’t know Psycho used to be an underground fighter and still trains guys when he has time. He’s learning now though.
“I’m done with this piece of shit,” Psycho finally states.
My brother hasn’t even broken a sweat as he took his rage out on the man on the ground. We stand back and wait for Ink to give us the go-ahead of releasing the shipment to these morons.
“It’s good. Let’s get this done so we can get the fuck outta here,” Ink calls out.
Bentley opens the back of the van. I help pull out the crates we have there while the assholes taking them stand far back from us. They’re all shitting their pants over Psycho and the damage he unleashed on their friend. We set them on the ground and Bentley slams the doors shut.
“Let’s get the fuck outta here,” I say, looking at Psycho.
Before straddling my bike, I pull out my phone and see Vanessa still hasn’t called me back. So, I pull up our messages and send her one.
Me: What’s goin’ on? You haven’t been to class or outside with the kids. I know you’re not okay. I’m on my way, baby.
I don’t expect a response from her. If she’s ignoring everyone, it means she’s climbing back into her shell. Something, or someone, has scared her enough that she doesn’t even trust reaching out to me right now. We’ll set that shit straight when I get home and lay eyes on my woman and kids. For now, there’s not much I can do.
“You with us?” Ink asks.
“Yeah. Just got somethin’ goin' on at home,” I tell him.
“You ridin’ straight through?” Psycho asks.
“No. I’ll stop when you guys do. If I don’t hear anythin’, then I’ll le
ave early,” I respond.
“You sure that’s what you need to do?” Psycho asks.
The rest of the guys just stand and look at us. None of them know what’s going on so they’re confused as hell right now. Not my problem.
“Yeah, I am.”
Getting on my bike, I put on my helmet and start my bike so the rest of the guys will do the same. Nothing is getting accomplished with us standing around here with our thumbs up our asses. We all head out and I can’t get thoughts of Vanessa out of my head. So, I call our last Prospect, Chris. I tell him to head over to the compound and see if Vanessa will open the door for him.
Before hanging up, I tell him to make sure he lets her know if she says anything he’s there to check on her for me. I’m on my way home and I’ll be there soon. I don’t have any hopes she’ll go near the door, but I have to do something. This helpless feeling is not something I’m accustomed to and I don’t like it one fucking bit.
We head on the highway and open up as we take the road on our way home. I want to open up my bike full throttle, but we don’t know the area we’re in. Or where the cops sit. So, I go the speed limit and try to push thoughts of my family out of my mind. It doesn’t work, but I attempt to do so.
Honestly, it feels like we’re riding in slow motion instead of a tad over the speed limit. I’m in the front with Ink and I want to be flying down the empty road.
“You good?” Psycho asks over the comms.
“Nope. Want to be home. Now,” I answer, knowing the rest of the guys can hear our conversation.
“You’ll get there. Don’t do somethin’ stupid that’s gonna get you locked up here,” he responds.
“I know.”
We ride for the rest of the day, only stopping when we absolutely have to. I still haven’t heard from Vanessa and I know I’m only gonna stop with the guys for a few hours to get some sleep and head on home. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving them home alone while they’re going through something. If there’s something I can do to help Vanessa and the kids, I need to be there to do that. To show her she’s not alone and I’ll have her back.
Chapter Ten
Vanessa
MY DOOR HAS been knocked on more in the last few days than ever before. I know it’s not Grave, but he’s the one I want here more than anything else. Thoughts of Ray showing up fill my terror filled mind. I’m not sure what to do other than run. Again. It’s the only way he won’t know where we are.
Then guilt hits me. I’ve never had anyone that cared enough to try to check in with me because I haven’t gone to class or been outside with the kids. I know Cassidy has been here more than once. Along with a few other ol’ ladies. Just like I know Grave sent a Prospect here. I heard him talking through the door and listened to him say Grave sent him to check on us. He wants to make sure we’re okay. But, I still didn’t open the door or get ahold of Grave. Or anyone else.
At the very least, I could have messaged Cassidy to let her know I’m okay. But I don’t feel good or some other excuse. At least until Grave gets home and I can try to figure out what to do. I’m still not sure if I’m going to let Grave in on the note I got from Ray, but that’s something I can think about in the next little while.
Tyler and Kayla don’t understand why they can’t go outside or why we’re basically hiding out in my room. They don’t remember the abuse Ray used to do to me or how I’d always keep them in their rooms when he was in one of his moods. When I left him, I swore I’d never be that way again. Now, at the first sign of him coming here, I’m hiding out all over again.
Grave’s not even here and I know he’s going out of his mind with worry. He’s been trying to call and message me since the day he left. Other than telling him we’re okay, I haven’t messaged him back. And I’m definitely not going to call him because if he hears my voice, he’ll know something is wrong. With him being on a run, worrying about me is the last thing he needs to do. Well, more than I’m making him worry already.
So, the kids and I hang out in the house and I’ve been trying to come up with games and other things to keep them occupied. I know they’re going crazy, but they’re humoring me for the most part. Especially Kayla. She’s been glued to my side and doesn’t leave my sight. Tyler tries to sneak around, but since he’s only three, his stealth skills aren’t the best. I laugh at his antics more than anything. So, they’re both helping me in their own way. I love my kids more than my life.
While they’re taking their nap, I pick up my phone so I can message Grave.
Me: I’m sorry for the radio silence. We’re okay. I’ll explain everything when you’re home.
Before I can hit send, I delete the entire message. I’m not sure what I want to say to Grave. He’s been so good to us, patient more than anyone I’ve ever met. Those words just don’t seem to do him justice. And I don’t want to seem like I’m okay when I’m not. I’m done hiding, I just need to figure out what to do to go about taking my life back in my hands. It’s the one area I’ve always lacked.
After getting lost in thoughts of Grave, I finally send him a message.
Me: I’m sorry. Something has happened and I’m not handling it well. Please don’t worry. I’ll let Cassidy know I’m okay.
I hit send so I don’t chicken out this time. There’s no way in hell I’m going to tell him what’s going on over the phone. Especially through a damn text message. I send out a message to Cassidy too. I let her know I’m okay but I need some time. I’ll return to classes soon. It’s not much, but it’s the best I can do for now.
Setting my phone on the nightstand, I turn on a movie and zone out. I can’t even tell you what I’m watching, who the actors are, or what it’s about. I’m lost in thoughts about what I need to do now. How I can go about taking my life back. The first thing I need to do is start seeing a counselor to help sort out what’s in my head and how I can combat the feelings of worry and terror. Someone needs to hear my story and know what I’ve been through.
I know I’m not doing myself any favors by holding all my secrets inside. There just hasn’t been anyone I’ve ever trusted with my story, the hell I’ve been through, before in my life. And Ray would have never let me go to talk to someone because of the secrets I have regarding him. Of the abuse, the rapes, everything he put me through. I’m honestly amazed I’m not cowering in fear more than I am. Before I probably would’ve been hiding in the closet with the kids. Now, at least we’re out in our home.
I’m going to count this as a victory. It’s a small step, but it’s a step in the right direction. And I know Grave is done letting me hide behind my mask. He’s going to want to know what’s going on with me and what I’ve been through. It’s time to tell him the ugly truth in its entirety. He needs to know what he’s dealing with so he can make up his mind about being with me. I’m damaged beyond belief and I don’t know if there’s a way to come back from it. Or if he’s going to want to hang out while I figure everything out for myself.
Getting out of bed, I grab a notebook I keep on hand. If I’m going to figure out the steps to getting back on my feet, then I need to think about what I want. One thing I want for sure is to become a woman who can handle Grave’s life. No matter what I do, he’s the man that’s meant to be mine. He’s been here since we arrived and has done everything in his power to ensure we have what we need, and some of the things we want. Hell, he spends as much time with my kids as I do. And that’s something he doesn’t have to do.
Grave has taken on our family as if we’re the most precious things in the world. I’ve never witnessed anyone in my life who’s that selfless and has been willing to spend so much of his free time with children who aren’t his. He’s encouraged me to get out of the house and also been there when I’ve wanted to hide away and stay away from everyone here. I’ve never met anyone like him in my life and I know it’s time to break free from the chains that have held me captive for so long and give him a chance, a real chance.
My paper is filled by t
he time the kids begin to stir. I’ve got things mapped out of what I want to do with my life moving forward. Some of these things include getting a job outside the home, letting the kids play and make friends their own age, filing for divorce, making sure Ray never has any power over me again, and learning what it means to be the woman Grave wants and needs in his life.
Another thing I put down is how I plan to accomplish my goals. The major one is learning to talk about what I’ve been through instead of keeping is locked away inside. It’s not doing any good if I’m the only one who knows why I am the way I am right now. And it’s not the way I want to be anymore. I’m done being scared of my own shadow and trying to take that out on the kids by keeping them with me every second of the day. They need to branch out as well.
Before I can think about things too much, Tyler is in my arms with his teddy bear from Grave firmly in his arms. Kayla and he don’t let them go if they don’t have to. They love them so much just because of the man they got them from. It’s cute and tells me all I need to know— Grave is the man I want in my life.
The rest of the day has been uneventful. I haven’t heard back from Cassidy or Grave. I’m not surprised about Grave, but I kind of am about Cassidy. I shrug it off as I give the kids their baths and get them ready for bed. Tonight, we’re having popcorn and a movie in my room. Yes, something else to keep them close to me tonight.
I put on the movie for the night and settle into bed with the kids. Kayla is in the middle of Tyler and I with the bowl of popcorn in her lap. We eat our snack and have some juice before I turn the volume down on the TV and help them settle in for bed.
“Mama, not tired,” Tyler tells me.
“I know, bud. But, why don’t you lay there and close your eyes for a bit. Then you can pretend to be sleeping if Kayla wakes up,” I tell him.
We have the same conversation every night. The last few days I’ve been able to have him ‘pretend’ to sleep in case Kayla wakes up. He tries to look out for her and I know he’ll close his eyes for her sake. It’s honestly something I’m glad he does because as they get older, I know he’ll always have her back. Even if they’re in a fight, he’ll watch out for his sister. I wish I had that growing up.