by Erin Osborne
So, as I was washing up from the self-defense class I taught today, I decided to try to push her a little bit. Going out to dinner is going to push Vanessa past her comfort level on so many levels. She’s never been away from the compound since moving in here. Not even to get groceries. I have the Prospects pick her stuff up when they go get things for Natasha and her class. It’s been our thing since I laid eyes on her.
Now, it’s time to start pushing her to live her life without the fear she’s always felt paralyzing her. Honestly, that’s what happens. It’s why she keeps her house locked up tight, always stays close to the exits when she’s in a class, and makes sure she knows where everyone is at all times. I haven’t noticed her doing it quite as much lately. So, I’m going to push her a little bit today. Hopefully she takes the bait and goes with the plan.
“Everything okay here?” she asks, stopping and looking at the kids and I on the couch.
“Yeah. I decided tonight is a night for celebration. We’re gonna go out for dinner,” I announce.
I watch as so many emotions flit in her eyes. She’s nervous, scared, and tempted to say no. But, I also know she’s debating going too. Vanessa doesn’t want Ray to win anymore and by leaving the safety of the compound, she’ll prove to herself, and him, he isn’t going to control her anymore.
After her internal debate goes on for a minute, Vanessa finally nods her head yes. I can feel the smile take over my face as she proves once again how strong she is. I’m so proud of her and there’s no way I can really show her. Yet. I’ll show her one day and she’ll never look back. I’ll find a way to replace every fucked-up memory she has of her parents and Ray.
“Come on, kids, let’s get ready to go out to dinner,” she tells the kids as they look at her.
We watch as the kids run to get their shoes and bring them to us so we can help them get them on.
“Proud of you, Nessa,” I tell her, standing up from the couch and kissing her on the forehead.
Before the kids get back with their shoes, I help Nessa into her rag. She leaves it on the back of a chair when she’s at the compound because she doesn’t want to do anything to make the other women upset. My woman always thinking of others. They all know I’m here with Vanessa and the kids and haven’t said a word about it. Cassidy and Natasha talked to them about it and made sure they know to keep their mouths shut.
I called the club while Vanessa was gone to have one of the Prospects bring over an SUV for us to use. Also told them to make sure there were car seats in the back for the kids. We have all different car seats with the different ages of the kids around the club now. I went out and bought these ones a few weeks ago. I knew it was only a matter of time before Vanessa crawled out of her shell and figured out what she needs to do to get her life back on track. It was just a matter of time.
Once we have the kids in the SUV, Vanessa and I climb in the front seat. She’s not the type of woman who accepts help easily, so I don’t try to help her in the vehicle. If it were just the two of us, it would be different because we wouldn’t be on opposite sides of the SUV getting the kids in. So, there’s nothing I can do about it tonight. When we go out on our own, it’s a different story completely.
“Where are we going?” Vanessa asks.
“Just to the diner in town. I don’t want to be too far away from the club with what you told me earlier,” I answer her.
By staying in town, the club is a matter of minutes away if we need them. We have no clue what Ray is going to do and I’m not about to take any damn chances with my family. They’re too precious and mean too much to me for me to not be smart about what I do in our first outing together.
I pull into the parking lot of the diner and lead them inside after getting Kayla out of her car seat and putting my cut on. If I’m in a cage, I refuse to wear my cut even if the other guys in the club choose to wear theirs. We choose a table at the back that’s always reserved for members of the club. A new waitress walks over to us and I can see the flirtation in her eyes as she takes in my cut. Yeah, she won’t last long if she’s going to flirt with the taken guys of the club.
Making a mental note to let the guys of the club know about this bitch, I push all other thoughts of her away and look at the menu in front of me.
“What can I get you tonight?” she asks, ignoring the kids and Vanessa sitting with me. “Anything on or off the menu.”
“I’ll have two cups of milk with the kids chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese for the kids. I’d like a BLT with fries, brown gravy, and a chocolate milkshake. Babe, what would you like?” Vanessa says, letting her know I’m taken.
“I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries, brown gravy on the side, and a chocolate shake,” I answer, never once looking at the woman standing next to our table.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch her flounce away. There’s disappointment and anger on her face at my lack of interest and Vanessa’s interruption. She can go fuck herself. One thing about the club is we don’t fuck around on our women. Vanessa’s been mine for a while now, way before I gave her the rag and claimed her in the eyes of the club.
Before we can get our food, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Renegade and the guys know I’m out with my family and I didn’t want to be disturbed unless it’s important. So, I pull my phone out to see who it is.
“Renegade, what’s goin’ on?” I ask, standing from the table and going to the back of the diner.
It’s not that far away from the table, but it gives me a little privacy. Especially with Vanessa occupied with the kids.
“Got eyes on her ex. He’s in town and askin’ around about her. What do you want to do?” he asks, knowing I want lead on this.
“I want him watched and that’s it. It’s too soon for him to be picked up. If he tries anythin’ it’s a different story though. No one in town will talk to him. Put the compound on lockdown and I’m gonna bring Vanessa and the kids to the clubhouse when we’re done with dinner. Actually, I’m gonna get our order to go and come back as soon as it’s ready,” I answer him. “Thanks for lettin’ me decide on this one.”
“Anytime. You sure you don’t want Hawk and Chains to give him a little lesson?” he asks.
“Nope. Anyone gets hands on him, it’s me. He’s messin’ with my family and I’m not gonna tolerate it. Nessa has the restrainin’ order against him and I’m gonna see if he tries to break it,” I tell him. “Want this handled the legal way for now.”
“Okay.”
Renegade hangs up and I turn my attention to Vanessa. She’s tense and I’m sure she’s got some type of feeling about something going on. I’ll have to break it to her about staying at the clubhouse for now. We’ll go to the compound every day for her classes, but other than that, I want as many eyes on her as possible. And I want to ensure the other women aren’t hurt because of this scumbag.
“We need to head to the clubhouse,” I tell her, sitting down and signaling the waitress over. “Put our order to go please.”
She nods her head and turns to change our order for dinner. Once she’s gone, I explain to Vanessa what Renegade just told me on the phone.
“Baby, Ray’s in town. He’s askin’ questions and tryin’ to figure out where you are. We have to get to the clubhouse. The compound is on lockdown and we’re gonna go there so there’s more eyes on the kids and you,” I tell her.
“What? Maybe I should just leave. Find another compound to go to,” she says, looking around the diner for Ray.
“Not happenin’. I can protect you. Ray won’t find you, he’ll be long gone before he ever realizes where you are,” I tell her.
“Grave . . . ” she begins before I cut her off.
“Vanessa, I got this. This is what we do. The club and I will make sure the kids and you are protected and Ray never sees you. If he gets close to you, he’ll be locked up. The cops here aren’t the cops you're used to dealin’ with. These guys actually do their job and follow orders that are given for protection,”
I say as the waitress brings our food over.
I pull out my wallet and leave enough money for the bill and a tip on the table as I grab the bag and Kayla’s hand. We need to get to the clubhouse so I can get another update and get my family set up. This is the first time they’ll be at the clubhouse and I’m not sure how Vanessa is going to handle it.
“Once we get you guys settled in my room, I’m gonna go to the house and get some of your stuff. I want you guys to be comfortable at the clubhouse until I can get you in the house at the new compound. Not that it’s goin’ to be soon with Ray in town and askin’ around for you,” I tell her. “Vanessa, trust me. That’s all I’m askin’ for.”
Vanessa thinks on my words as we put the kids in their seats and get in the front of the SUV. Finally, she grabs my hand and holds it in hers.
“Grave, trusting you is never a problem for me. Since day one I’ve trusted you,” she says, blowing my mind.
I offer her a smile and pull out to head to the clubhouse. I’m sure Renegade has explained what’s going on to the rest of the guys and they’ll be on their best behavior around my family. For now anyway. They’ll show her all guys aren’t like Ray and her parents before they start to let loose and be themselves around there. It’s what they’d do for anyone else and they’ll show her the same respect.
Chapter Eighteen
Vanessa
WE’VE BEEN AT the compound for a full day now. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do here or what the kids can do. The only thing Grave really told us is that we’re not allowed in the room they have church, or their meetings, in and we’re not allowed in other member’s rooms. So, I’ve been staying in Grave’s room with the kids.
The guys were all polite and nice when we entered the clubhouse last night. They talked to the kids and introduced themselves to me. I am scared to death to be around so many guys without Grave around though. I’ve never been around a lot of guys and the ones I have been were all on drugs and watched my parents and then Ray beat on me. Not guys I want to be around, much less have my children around.
Then I think of how they bent down to talk to my children and make sure they had toys and movies to watch. They all told me if we need anything just to let them know and they’ll help me figure it out if Grave’s not here.
These men are some of the biggest, scariest men I’ve ever seen in my life. Yet, they act like gentle giants around us because they know I’m from the compound. They’re soft spoken and nice but it’s going to take some time for me to get used to being around so many large, intimidating men constantly. Because some of these men look like they’ll rip a person limb from limb while smiling in their face. It’s the same way Ray looks when he’s in a rage induced by whatever drugs he’s on.
Still, Grave has assured me they won’t lay a hand on me and will protect me with their life if it comes down to it. So, I’m going to trust in my man and let them do what they have to do. Honestly, whatever happens to Ray is nothing less than what he deserves as far as I’m concerned. He’s raped, beaten, and tortured me for so many years. I’m sure I’m not the only one he’s done this to. Hopefully, I’ll be the last one though.
The only other ones I’m not sure about here are Satan’s babes. Grave explained to me they’re here to make sure the guys are satisfied when they want and to clean the clubhouse every day. He didn’t go into too much detail because the kids were with us, but I get what he means.
When we walked in and they saw me wearing my rag, I got the dirtiest looks I’ve ever had directed at me in my life. I’ve never met these women before and they don’t like me. All because I’m here with Grave? I’m not the one who asked him to claim me, he chose to do that all on his own. For his own reasons. I get they want to be with the men of the club, but it’s not my fault Grave won’t be with them anymore. They can take it up with him if they’re angry about it.
“Mama, I hungry,” Tyler says, climbing up on Grave’s bed with me.
“Okay. Let’s go see what we can find for lunch,” I say, standing up and grabbing onto the kids hands so we can head to the kitchen.
As we enter, I see the woman who gave me a dirty look yesterday sitting at the counter with a magazine in front of her. I ignore her while I head to the fridge to grab the kids’ dinner from last night. They didn’t eat it all, so I can give it to them for lunch now and figure out dinner when Grave gets back from meeting with Hawk and the rest of the guys.
“You don’t belong here,” she says snidely as I place the food in the microwave to heat up.
“Excuse me?” I ask, turning around to face her.
“You don’t belong here. And you sure as hell don’t belong with Grave. You’ll never keep him satisfied,” she says, a smirk on her face.
“And what he does has nothing to do with you,” I say.
“It does. He was on his way to making me his ol’ lady before you came around like a bitch in heat. But he’ll be mine again and you’ll be out in the cold,” she tells me, standing up to leave the room.
“If you ever swear in front of my children again, you’ll regret it. Whatever issues you have with Grave, you need to take up with him, not me, just because I’m the only one here. Or won’t he even talk to you?” I ask her.
Before she can reply, I hear clapping coming from the doorway. My entire body is shaking from nerves because I’ve never confronted anyone in my life. But, you’re not going to treat me like shit in front of my children and use foul language because you’re pissed you didn’t get your way. I’m over it.
“Foxy, I think you’ve been put in your place by another ol’ lady. You know, the women of the club you’re supposed to respect, not treat like shit because you’re pouting like a little bitch,” Hadliegh, a woman I’ve only met once, says. “Run along and do what you gotta do. Or, I make a call to my man and you’re out. Yeah, I know Grave already wants you outta here. I can make sure it happens.”
Foxy stomps her foot, screams at the top of her lungs, and runs from the room. She just had a worse temper tantrum than either one of my children on their worst day. I didn’t realize she’s a two-year-old in a woman’s body. Damn, that was pathetic.
“It’s nice to see you out of Grave’s room,” Hadliegh says, walking further into the kitchen. “And who are these cuties?”
“This is Tyler and Kayla,” I answer, pulling their food out of the microwave.
“Hey, guys. I’m Hadliegh and this is Callie. We’re gonna hang out with your momma for a while today. Our kids are in the common room if you want to go with them,” she says, helping me take their plates out to the other room.
We choose a table close to the three other children. They’re younger than my kids, but they all play together really well. After Tyler and Kayla eat, they get down and play with the younger ones. I keep an eye on all the kids, even though the other two women are doing the same thing.
“So, how are you adjusting to life at the clubhouse?” Callie asks.
“It’s different. The guys have been good though,” I answer.
“That’s good. You’ll meet Bear later on. He’s working at the garage right now. He knows to come here though,” Callie tells me.
“Okay. Sounds good,” I answer, not sure what to say.
We sit in silence for a few minutes. Callie goes to make herself something to eat and ends up bringing Hadliegh and me food too. The woman from the kitchen earlier stays away from us as she sulks around the common room. I’m sure she’s just trying to catch me along again, but I don’t care. She doesn’t matter to me.
“So, how are things going at the compound?” Hadliegh asks, never one to beat around the bush I guess.
“It’s okay. I learn a lot there and I’m teaching the cooking class until Natasha comes back. The other women are good. I just don’t spend a lot of time with them,” I answer.
“Why not? I thought you’d bond with them over being in similar situations,” Callie asks.
“Well, my past is a little different than th
eirs, I think. They’re just running from one abuser to my knowledge. I’m running from three different ones. My past starts when I was little and my parents treated me like shit because I interfered with their drugs, alcohol, and partying ways. I met my husband through them. Even though I didn’t want him, he wanted me and took what he wanted,” I answer.
The two women stare at me in silence for a minute. Callie’s the first one to talk.
“I’m sorry, Vanessa. What did your parents do?” she asks.
“Well, they never paid the bills so I never knew if there was going to be running water or electricity on when I woke up or got home from school. The only times I really ate were when I was in school. My parents ate whenever they wanted, not that they wanted to eat much because of the drugs, but they always had food. I didn’t have clothes that fit or were clean unless I cleaned them, never had a regular shower because the water was shut off more than it was on. And if I didn’t do something fast enough or good enough for them, I was beaten,” I say.
“What the hell?” Hadliegh bursts out. “That’s just insane. Your parents need to be burned to the ground and buried.”
I laugh out loud. There’s nothing I want from my parents. Including seeing them. But, there’s nothing I can do about the past. It’s my life and it’s only made me the person I am today. So, I’m learning to accept it and move forward. To realize it’s not my fault I was born to assholes who didn’t want me.
“It’s the past and there’s nothing I can do about it now. The beatings are over with and I know I’ll always have water, electricity, and heat wherever I’m living,” I say. “I’ll never treat my kids the way I was treated. They’ll always know they’re loved and wanted. No matter how they came to exist.”
“What’s that mean?” Hadliegh asks.
“As I said, Ray took what he wanted. He stole my virginity and that was the day my children were conceived. I don’t take it out on them or hold it against Tyler and Kayla in any way. It wasn’t their decision— it was their sperm donor.”