by Bloom, Tracy
‘Now who’s sounding old?’ said Braindead.
‘Mummy’s still waving,’ said Millie.
‘What do we do now?’ asked Braindead.
Chapter Twenty-Four
‘They’ve stopped,’ said Ollie. ‘Why have they stopped?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Katy.
They stared out at the boat, trying to determine what was going on. Braindead appeared to be having an argument with the man in the front seat. He’d stood up and was waving his arms around but the man appeared to be ignoring him.
‘Are you okay?’ said a voice from behind them.
They both swivelled round to see Cassie standing there, looking distraught.
‘It’s all my fault,’ she gasped. ‘I can’t believe they did that to you. And you just got jilted by your fiancée and everything. I’m so sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ said Ollie.
‘But it is,’ she continued. ‘If I hadn’t agreed to get married then this stupid hen do would never have happened and you would never have been stood on the deck of a boat whilst people shouted “Dickhead” at you.’
‘This didn’t happen because you agreed to get married,’ said Katy, reaching forward to touch her arm.
‘It did,’ she replied. ‘Me getting married is ruining everything.’
It was then that Katy heard a distant chant. She looked at Ollie nervously, her heart sinking to her stomach. ‘Are they getting any closer?’ she asked him.
Ollie turned to look over the side of the boat. ‘They’re still where they were,’ he told her.
The chanting was beginning to get louder. Katy started talking gibberish to try and block out the noise. ‘Maybe they’re just discussing the weather and perhaps the man has received a bad forecast and is refusing to sail any further. Perhaps they’ve been listening to the shipping forecast and it said high winds due or whatever they say on the shipping forecast and they’re deciding the next plan of action for our rescue and…’
She trailed off, as it was clear that Ollie wasn’t listening to a word she was saying. His ears had pricked up and he was staring nervously at the steps leading up the top deck. The chant seemed to be getting much closer now as Ollie’s face grew paler.
‘Oh no,’ muttered Cassie, looking scared.
‘Dickhead, Dickhead, Dickhead,’ came the cry, sounding as though it was approaching the top of the stairs.
The three of them watched as Fi’s face appeared in the hole between the decks. She grinned. ‘There’s my little Dickhead,’ she shouted across at Ollie before disappearing again. ‘He’s here,’ they heard her shout across the top deck. ‘Come on, girls.’
Katy looked at Ollie, whose face had completely drained of colour. They stared at each other for a moment. Fi was now making her way down the steps. Katy could see the panic rising in Ollie’s face. He glanced back at Fi.
‘Come to me, Dickhead,’ she said, an evil glint in her eye.
‘No way!’ he shouted. He turned, hauled himself up onto the railing and jumped overboard.
‘Oh fuck!’ said Katy.
‘No!’ shrieked Cassie.
They both dashed to the railing and leaned over, looking down into the water. Katy couldn’t see him. Where had he gone? Then she was aware of Cassie climbing up onto the rail beside her.
‘No!’ Katy shouted, trying to grab hold of Cassie’s arm but it was too late. Cassie jumped and the next moment there was an almighty splash.
Now what? Katy had no choice. She had to go after them. Besides, Fi was going to get here any second and anything was better than facing her. She climbed onto the railing and launched herself off the side of the boat with an almighty scream.
Chapter Twenty-Five
‘Man overboard,’ cried Braindead, standing up. ‘Man overboard! Ollie just jumped. He jumped off the boat, did you see him?’
Ben had been momentarily distracted by an argument that had erupted between Millie and Jack over Millie’s hat. Jack had swiped it and Millie was none too happy about it. But indeed, Ben could see that Ollie had vanished from the railing from which he had previously been waving, and there stood Katy and another lady peering down into the water.
‘What! He just jumped?’ said Ben. ‘Just like that?’
‘Yeah,’ replied Braindead. ‘Just climbed on the side and jumped.’
‘Oh my God, Katy!’ said Ben, watching in a daze as a lady he didn’t recognise followed by his wife clambered onto the top of the railing. ‘What is she doing? Crikey, I can’t watch.’
‘Wow!’ said Millie. ‘Is that Mummy?’
They all stared as Katy flew through the air, her arms flailing. She let out an ear-piercing scream as she hit the water. There was a big splash and then silence.
‘Right, that’s it,’ said Braindead. ‘I’m going in. I’ll go and see if they’re all right, then I’m going to fetch my wife.’
‘I’ll come too,’ said Ben.
‘No! Someone needs to stay with the kids,’ said Braindead, unbuttoning his shirt to reveal his quite pale and slightly flabby body. ‘Abby led everyone into this so it’s my job to sort it out.’ He kicked off his sandals and stepped to the edge of the boat before raising his hands above his head in preparation for a dive.
‘Wish me luck,’ he said.
‘Good luck, buddy,’ said Ben. ‘Bring them back safe.’
‘I will,’ he said, then belly-flopped into the sea.
Ben looked back towards the party boat. He could see Katy’s and Ollie’s heads bobbing around in the water. They’d emerged from their dive. That was good. There were also three or four women gathered at the rail where they had stood previously, shouting down at them. He couldn’t quite hear what they were saying. He thought they might be shouting ‘Dickhead’ which felt harsh but it really did sound like that. He reached forward and covered Millie’s ears.
* * *
‘What the hell is going on?’ asked Braindead, swimming up to Katy and Ollie. ‘Are you okay?’
‘We are now,’ said Katy.
‘Why are they shouting “Dickhead” at you?’ said Braindead, joining them in doggy-paddle.
They all looked up to the boat, where Fi and Rachel were chanting down, pointing at Ollie.
‘It’s all my fault,’ said Cassie, bobbing up behind them.
‘No, it’s not,’ said Katy. ‘It’s Cassie’s hen party,’ she explained to Braindead. ‘This is Abby’s husband,’ she told Cassie.
‘Pleased to meet you,’ said Braindead, ‘I’d shake your hand but…’
‘I’m so sorry to have put you to this trouble,’ interrupted Cassie.
‘Where’s Abby?’ asked Braindead.
‘She’s still on there,’ said Katy. ‘She… she got carried away by this bloke and we haven’t seen her since.’
Braindead nodded grimly.
‘Can you swim to the boat?’ he said to the three of them. ‘He wouldn’t get any closer because of all the swimmers. Do you think you can make it?’
‘Sure,’ said Ollie.
‘I think so,’ said Katy.
‘Only if there’s room for me,’ said Cassie. ‘If not, then I guess I’ll just hang out here for a bit. I always did great doggy-paddle.’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ said Katy. ‘You’re coming with us.’
‘Right,’ said Braindead. ‘I’ll go and get Abby.’
* * *
Braindead could hear his heart pounding as he swam towards the rear of the boat, where there was a ladder that the swimmers were using to get back on board. There were bikini-clad women squealing all around him and he could now hear the thumping music. Fortunately the girls seemed to have ceased their chant of ‘Dickhead’.
He closed his eyes for a moment as he lined up behind a bikini bottom climbing up the ladder – he really didn’t need to see that. Eventually he got onto the steps and hauled himself up, looking around at the heaving mass of bodies swaying to music and downing drinks. He wasn’t sure how h
e was going to find his wife amongst all this lot.
He started methodically. Walking up and down the deck in parallel lines almost as if he were a policeman seeking evidence. He was worried that he would get accused of staring at the semi-naked bodies and so tried really hard to keep his eyes at head level despite the cleavages regularly being thrust in his face.
He couldn’t see Abby anywhere and then he caught sight of the women who had been chanting from the rails. They must be part of the hen party, he thought, and might know where Abby was. He strode over.
‘Where’s Abby?’ he asked gruffly.
‘Oooh,’ said Fi, staring at him. ‘You are ever so demanding, aren’t you?’
‘Where is she?’ he repeated.
‘Well, you’ll have to get in the queue because the last I saw of her she was attracting a lot of attention, if you know what I mean.’
‘Tell me where she is,’ he said again, taking a step forward and resisting the temptation to shake her.
‘Why should I?’ said Fi defiantly, tottering slightly on her heels.
‘Because I’m her husband,’ stated Braindead.
‘Ooooooo,’ drawled Fi. ‘Of course you are. I remember you now. Well, the last time I saw her, she was upstairs at the back with a rugby team from Middlesbrough.’
Braindead turned and flew up the stairs two at a time.
He got to the top and looked around wildly. He couldn’t see her. Where was she?
‘Abby!’ he bellowed, cupping his hands around his mouth. ‘Abby!’
He listened but there was no reply.
‘Abby,’ he shouted again over the booming music. ‘Abby!’
‘Braindead!’ he heard from his left. He swivelled round to see his wife pinned into a corner by a leery beefcake. He had his arm leaning over her head, making it difficult for her to move away.
‘Braindead!’ she shouted again.
He ran towards her and grabbed her hand, pulling her towards him.
‘Oi, mate,’ said the bloke. ‘Who do you think you are?’
‘Her husband,’ said Braindead.
‘I told you I was married,’ said Abby. ‘I did,’ she said to Braindead. ‘It isn’t how it looks, we were just talking and then… and then he started saying things and… and I said I was married but he wouldn’t believe me and he thought I was coming on to him but I wasn’t and… and…’
Before she could continue Braindead lashed out and thumped the man square in the face. He stumbled back, falling to the floor, clasping his jaw.
Braindead turned to Abby. ‘If you want to stay, you can stay,’ he said. ‘If this is what you want?’
She shook her head. ‘Of course it isn’t.’ She started to cry. Braindead watched as she sank her head into her hands.
‘Then what do you want?’ he asked, feeling exasperated. ‘You don’t want to spend any time with me or Logan. All you seem to want is to pretend that we don’t even exist. To be out and acting like you’re single again.’
Abby’s shoulders rose and fell as she continued to cry then she raised her head.
‘I do want to be with you, honestly I do, and Logan, it’s just…’ she petered off, clearly struggling with what to say.
‘Just what?’ he demanded. ‘You have to tell me. Whatever this is, it’s stopping you being happy. It’s stopping me being happy.’
‘I miss being me and you,’ she said. ‘Me and you… we were fun… me and you have… gone.’
Braindead was at a loss. None of it made any sense. He hadn’t gone anywhere. What did she mean?
The man was now struggling to his feet, clutching his jaw and looking menacingly at Braindead. He needed answers but he suspected that now wasn’t the time.
Braindead grabbed Abby’s hand and yanked her away. ‘Let’s go,’ he said. They dashed towards the stairs and galloped down them, landing on the lower deck with a thump.
‘Are you okay to swim?’ Braindead said to Abby.
‘Yes,’ she gasped, looking nervously behind her.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘Let’s get out of here.’
He dragged them both towards the railing and helped Abby to climb up and he swiftly followed. On top, he took her hand and looked at her.
‘Ready?’ he asked.
‘Ready,’ she replied.
Then they jumped, screaming as they did so.
Chapter Twenty-Six
‘They just jumped in,’ said Katy, pointing at the boat.
Katy, Ollie and Cassie had made it to the rescue boat and been hauled out the water by Ben whilst the old man held onto Logan and Jack and kept an eye on Millie.
‘What the hell happened?’ asked Ben as they sat down panting. Ollie still had the ‘Dickhead’ penis attached to his head, but it was now sticking out sideways.
‘What is that?’ asked Millie, pointing.
‘Willy!’ shouted Logan. ‘Willy!’
Ollie grasped at his head then fumbled with the plastic clip under his chin before tearing it off.
‘What is it?’ asked Millie again.
‘An instrument of torture,’ muttered Ollie, throwing it out to sea with all his might.
‘Willy, bye,’ said Logan, waving.
‘It wasn’t a willy,’ said Millie sternly. ‘It doesn’t look anything like Daddy’s and you don’t get willy hats anyway, do you, Daddy?’
‘No, Millie,’ said Ben. ‘That’s right. Just forget you saw it, okay? It’s nothing to worry about.’
‘But why was it on Ollie’s head?’ asked Millie. ‘It looked silly.’
‘Why was it on your head?’ asked Ben.
‘They made me do it,’ said Ollie.
‘Who did?’
‘Them,’ he said, pointing to the boat. ‘Those girls on there. They made me wear it and then they threw stuff at me.’
‘What sort of stuff?’
‘Rings and then other stuff. Anything they could get their hands on and then some boys joined in and then they threw things at me.’
‘You were bullied!’ said Millie with a gasp. ‘That’s not allowed. You need to tell your teacher. People can’t throw things at you. That’s bullying.’
‘You’re right, Millie,’ said Ollie.
‘We’ll sort it,’ said Katy, putting her arm round her daughter. ‘Don’t worry, they won’t get away with it and you’re right. If you get bullied, you must always tell a teacher. Do you understand?’
Millie gave her a weird look.
‘Of course,’ she replied. ‘I just told you that.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Cassie, who had been sitting with her head in her hands. ‘It’s all my fault.’
‘It wasn’t your fault,’ said Ollie sternly.
‘But it was my hen party. I should never have let it get that far,’ she protested.
‘You were brave,’ continued Ollie. ‘You saved me from Dickhead hoopla.’
‘Phrases you thought you’d never say on your honeymoon,’ muttered Ben.
Ollie looked at Ben and swallowed. ‘Along with “I’m glad I’m alone on honeymoon because now I realise my fiancée didn’t love me.”’
‘That’s the spirit!’ cried Ben, slapping him on the back. ‘I’m going to get you a T-shirt with that printed on it from that shop in the market.’
‘Thank you for coming to get us,’ Ollie said. ‘Seriously. Thank you.’
‘Yes,’ said Cassie. ‘I know you don’t know me but thank you for rescuing me from my own hen party.’
‘You’re welcome,’ replied Ben.
‘I think they both needed saving,’ said Katy to Ben as she reached out and touched his hand whilst giving Millie and Jack an extra-special squeeze.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
‘Here you go, Abby,’ shouted Ben. ‘Take my hand.’
Abby swam towards the boat and grasped Ben’s hand. He hauled her in swiftly, followed by Braindead. They both collapsed on the bottom of the boat, gasping.
‘Mummy,’ said Logan, scrambling over Ben to join
her.
Abby looked up, tears visibly flooding her eyes.
‘Logan,’ she said, throwing her arms open and hugging him to her chest, tears spilling down her cheeks and onto his head.
* * *
No-one said anything on the short trip back to the shore. Not even Millie, Logan or Jack. They left the thumping music of the party boat behind them and were grateful for the relative peace of the quiet shoreline.
As they approached the harbour they could see Daniel, Gabriel and Silvie waiting for them, looking somewhat apprehensive.
‘Your friends?’ asked the old man in the boat.
‘Yes,’ said Ben. ‘Our friends.’
‘He speak Spanish?’ asked the man.
‘He does,’ said Ben.
They moored up to the harbour and one by one climbed out of the boat onto the wooden pier.
‘Literally shipwrecked,’ said Daniel, his eyes wide open, eyeing them all up.
Gabriel asked the old man a question in Spanish and he replied with much waving of hands and incredulity. He gestured to them all, clearly giving his own version of events.
‘What is he saying?’ asked Daniel when the old man finally seemed to have finished his story.
‘He said these English people are mad, crazy people. He has no idea what just happened but a man jumped off a big boat with a penis attached to his head and in seventy years, he has never had such a bizarre experience. Oh, and we owe him fifty euros,’ he finished.
Gabriel reached for his wallet but Braindead got in first, thrusting notes into the man’s hand.
‘Thank you,’ he said, shaking his hands. ‘Thank you so much.’
The man came out with another stream of Spanish.
They all looked at Gabriel expectantly, waiting for him to translate.
‘He says he has had an enjoyable adventure.’
They all nodded silently.
‘I think it’s time for bed,’ said Katy, looking around at all the exhausted faces.