No-one Ever Has Sex on Holiday: A totally hilarious summer read

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No-one Ever Has Sex on Holiday: A totally hilarious summer read Page 19

by Bloom, Tracy


  ‘One last thing,’ said Ben. He glanced over at Braindead.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Any chance we can have the honeymoon suite tonight?’ he asked, winking at Katy.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  ‘So I rang ahead,’ said Gabriel as they all gathered in the reception of the hotel that evening. ‘And it so happens that the owner knows my dad.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ said Katy. ‘How random is that?’

  ‘Well, in Spain we have many generations of restaurateurs and bar owners and so everyone knows everyone and there are lots of people who marry other people in the profession, you know. Apparently Francisco was at a wedding of his niece five years ago and Dad was there as a friend of the groom’s father. They got drunk together.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Katy. ‘Still crazy.’

  ‘Anyway, Francisco has set up the best table for us all and very much looks forward to meeting everyone. I called my dad and he said we were going to be treated like kings.’

  ‘Isn’t my husband amazing?’ said Daniel, full of smug pride.

  ‘I actually think he rather is,’ agreed Katy, thinking that Gabriel had saved the day on more than one occasion on this holiday.

  ‘Did you send the address to your guest?’ Gabriel asked Katy.

  ‘I did,’ she replied. ‘I’m hoping she will come but I’m not entirely sure. She may feel she has other commitments.’

  ‘Is she a Spanish pen pal or something?’ asked Daniel. ‘Why have you not mentioned her before?’

  ‘No, nothing like that. Just someone who needs a bit of a break and who I thought might enjoy a relatively calm evening.’

  ‘Taxis are here,’ shouted Braindead from the doorway. He was clutching Abby’s hand. She looked fragile but beautiful in a maxi dress with her hair pulled back and minimal make-up. A world away from the hen party glam of the night before. She smiled at Katy.

  ‘You okay?’ Katy asked her as they tried to hustle everyone out of the building.

  ‘I think I’m going to be,’ she said.

  ‘I know you will,’ replied Katy, squeezing her arm.

  * * *

  ‘I think I might cry,’ said Daniel as they pulled up outside the remote shack on the headland about fifteen minutes later. There was nothing fancy about the restaurant, in fact it was quite tatty, but there were pots and pots of vibrant geraniums lining the veranda whilst vines intertwined along the roof terrace interspersed with sparkling fairy lights. Along the front was a long trestle table laid for twelve surrounded by mismatched chairs. The table was already crammed with plates and glasses and huge bowls of fresh bread. It looked absolutely delightful.

  As they arrived, a man and woman came rushing up to them, babbling in Spanish, helping them out of their taxis and pumping their fists with vigorous handshakes. Gabriel found his way to the man and began talking to him and soon they were laughing and hugging as if they had known each other for years.

  Gabriel introduced each of them individually to Francisco and his wife Sophia, saving his warmest introductions for the children. Both Francisco and Sophia oohed and aahed and miraculously produced little sweet lollipops, much to their delight, whilst dragging out some of the children who had been eating with their parents to come and take them off to the small makeshift sand box that was positioned in one corner of the veranda.

  ‘Welcome,’ said Francisco, opening his arms up. ‘I am so delighted to have friends of Carlos here. You will come and sit and you will eat the best food you can eat in this town.’

  ‘Can I tell him I love him yet?’ asked Daniel, totally smitten.

  ‘After I do,’ said Katy, eagerly approaching the table and taking a seat next to her husband, from where she could see Jack and Millie playing.‘The beautiful lady here,’ said Francisco, pulling out a chair for Abby. ‘You will have the angel chair.’

  Abby looked at him in awe and sat down and sighed. This was somewhere where you could forget all your woes for a time, Katy could tell. A very special place indeed.

  ‘Now,’ Francisco said, clapping his hands. ‘You will help yourself to bread and wine and we will bring you food. Simple as that. No menu here, we bring you what is best. Put your trust in Sophia, she truly is the greatest chef there is here.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ said Katy. ‘No tricky menus to decipher, no panicking about seats, no queuing for coffee. It just comes to you. I wish we had found this place earlier.’

  They had just got settled when a taxi pulled up and they all squinted to see who would get out. They didn’t recognise her at first as Cassie had ditched the short skirts and the high heels and was wearing a flowing skirt and T-shirt along with some oversized sunglasses. In fact it wasn’t until she took her sunglasses off that Katy recognised her at all.

  ‘Cassie!’ she shouted, getting up. ‘You came.’

  ‘Cassie!’ said Ollie, immediately standing up.

  ‘She’s the bride-to-be, right?’ said Braindead, looking confused. ‘The one who jumped off the boat with you?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Ollie. ‘She saved me from the Dickhead hoopla.’

  ‘So why isn’t she with the hen party tonight?’ said Ben.

  ‘No idea,’ said Ollie.

  Katy dashed over to Cassie and wrapped her arms around her. She’d sent her a text earlier to ask if she fancied a hen-free night out and if there was any chance she could get a pass from her own hen party. The reply was emphatic.

  Yes!!! I will be there. No-one can stop me, not even Ruth! Cassie xx

  ‘So how did you get past Ruth?’ asked Katy when they had finished hugging.

  ‘I told her straight,’ she said. ‘Said that I hadn’t enjoyed last night and it was awful what they did to your friend so I was having a night to myself and she could stuff it.’

  ‘Check you out,’ gasped Katy. ‘So what are you missing then?’

  ‘Magic Mike tribute troupe.’

  ‘Wow, lucky escape,’ she said. ‘Come on over and sit down.

  ‘So, I think most have you have met Cassie,’ said Katy as they approached the table. ‘Either out with the hen party or in the rescue boat last night.’

  Everyone chorused their hellos and Cassie shyly waved back.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said to Ollie, spotting him for the first time. ‘I’ve been feeling so terrible about last night and I can’t believe you ended up on your honeymoon, having not got married, with a bunch of crazy women shouting “Dickhead” at you, causing you to jump ship and have to be rescued by a man called Braindead.’

  It was Braindead who laughed first. Laughed good and hard, which set everyone else off until even Ollie was clutching his sides.

  ‘You have had the worst honeymoon in history,’ declared Daniel, wiping the tears from his eyes. ‘Like shockingly bad, like absolutely terrible. You’ve had a worse holiday than the rest of us.’

  Ollie looked around at everyone smiling at him.

  ‘I’m so very, very sorry,’ Cassie said again, looking concerned.

  ‘Do you know what?’ said Ollie. ‘It wasn’t so bad. In fact… in fact it’s been kind of fun. And if I’d have got married then I could be sat here next to a woman who was going to divorce me in a couple of years’ time and that would have been a much more disastrous honeymoon.’

  ‘Hear, hear,’ said Ben, raising his glass.

  ‘Hear, hear,’ chimed in everyone.

  ‘To not marrying the wrong person,’ said Katy, raising her glass and trying not to look at Cassie.

  ‘May your next honeymoon be with a woman who loves you,’ added Gabriel. ‘I think you will find someone sooner than you think.’

  ‘Now why don’t you sit down here?’ said Katy to Cassie. ‘Next to Ollie as he could be the only person around the table who won’t be talking baby poo and he can tell you much more about how happy he is that his fiancée dumped him.’

  ‘I’m delirious,’ said Ollie to Cassie. ‘Well, I’m surviving.’

  ‘I never caught how you all kn
ow each other?’ asked Cassie, taking a seat.

  ‘Ollie was a stray we picked up on day one,’ said Daniel. ‘He was really lucky to bump into us.’

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Ollie. ‘They took my room, made me humiliate myself in a club and somehow got me involved in a game of Dickhead hoopla. It’s been such a pleasure to meet you all, I must say.’

  ‘That is all quite unfortunate,’ said Daniel. ‘But I would like to add that we brought you here.’

  Ollie looked around and glanced at Cassie, who smiled at him.

  ‘That’s true,’ he agreed. ‘This might just make up for the mental torture from the rest of the week.’

  ‘Calamari,’ came the cry from Francisco as he approached the table with two plates laden with crispy quid. ‘Caught this morning. The children have already tried some and approve.’

  ‘Millie ate squid?’ said Ben in shock, looking over to where she and Jack were both still happily playing with some other children, chasing each other round some flower pots. ‘She normally won’t stray past fish fingers at home!’

  ‘Mummy!’ came a cry followed by a wail.

  All the parents in the group looked over immediately to see who the agonising wail had come from.

  It was Logan, who was lying on the floor clutching his knee.

  ‘Mummy!’ he shouted again.

  Abby looked at Braindead, who went to get up then abruptly sat down again. ‘He wants you,’ he said. ‘His mum.’

  ‘But I can’t—’ she began.

  ‘You can,’ said Braindead.

  She looked back over at Logan then got out of her chair and ran to him shouting, ‘I’m coming, Mummy’s coming.’

  * * *

  ‘So tell me how on earth you escaped your hen party tonight?’ Daniel asked Cassie.

  Cassie shrugged. ‘I gave them a telling-off about what they did to Ollie. I told them… well, I told them they were on their own. I was all done.’

  ‘You told them off for me?’ said Ollie.

  ‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘I’m having nothing to do with them for the rest of the trip.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Ollie. ‘But what about your wedding? You’ll have to see them then, won’t you?’

  Cassie stared at him for a long moment before she glanced at Katy.

  ‘Let’s just say I have a plan for that,’ said Cassie.

  Katy smiled back at her and nodded.

  ‘Will you be okay?’ asked Ollie.

  Again she paused.

  ‘I actually think I’m going to be,’ she replied.

  ‘I will propose a toast,’ said Gabriel, suddenly standing up with Silvie in his arms.

  ‘Oh yes, good idea,’ said Katy.

  ‘We have weathered some storms on this intrepid journey,’ he said. ‘But I think you will agree that we have all got to our intended destination.’

  ‘Hear, hear,’ said Braindead, taking Abby’s hand.

  ‘Hear, hear,’ said Ollie, smiling at Cassie.

  ‘Hear, hear,’ said Daniel, gazing adoringly at his husband and daughter.

  ‘So we shall raise a toast to weathering this storm together because when you are in a storm with the right people it’s barely a storm at all.’

  ‘I think he’s already drunk,’ admitted Daniel. ‘Finish up now, love, before you ruin it.’

  ‘To the best fellow travellers I could wish for,’ Gabriel said, raising his glass high.

  ‘Hear, hear,’ they all agreed, standing up.

  Ben reached for Katy’s hand as they sat down and gave it a squeeze.

  ‘Can I ask one tiny favour whilst we are all full of bonhomie?’ he asked. ‘Could Katy and I possibly have a head start on the way home, like maybe an hour? You know, it really is a pity to waste that honeymoon suite…’

  Epilogue

  Katy sat back at her desk the following Monday morning and wondered if she had ever been on holiday. Sure, the agency hadn’t collapsed without her and the launch of Began vegan bacon seemed to have run smoothly, but a crisis with another client had erupted whilst she’d been away. Not one of her colleagues had arrived in her office that morning to ask if she had enjoyed her break but all of them trooped in one after another to give their version of the cock-up the previous week and why it wasn’t their fault. She’d hoped that one of them would perhaps comment that she at least ‘looked well’ but no, none of them did. They were too busy covering their own backs.

  She’d been sad to leave the hotel in the end. It had not been the holiday anyone was expecting but it had certainly had its moments. More chaos and drama than calm and relaxation.

  They’d waved goodbye to Ollie the day after their wonderful meal at Francisco’s and it was surprisingly emotional. Even though they’d only known him for less than a week, they had been through so much together that it felt much longer. Katy felt some kind of maternal instinct towards him which was weird and indeed he had thanked her for looking after him, which was even more weird. They’d all promised to keep in touch and Ollie had even said he would invite them all to his twenty-seventh birthday in Winchester in a couple of months. He’d decided he needed a party since he’d missed out on a wedding that year. He also stated that it would be a grown-up party so would they mind leaving the children at home, at which they had all cheered whole-heartedly.

  ‘A hotel room without children in it?’ said Ben. ‘Finally!’

  Katy grinned at him. The honeymoon suite still hadn’t been used for its intended purpose. They’d ended up staying at the restaurant until way after the kids’ bedtime as everyone had been having such a good time and then nobody could be bothered to move beds again. They all slept in their bedrooms soundly with their children fast asleep beside them.

  Ollie had also said that he would like to invite Cassie and her husband to his birthday party as long as she didn’t bring any party games! He’d asked Katy to be sure to pass the message on to her.

  Katy had spent two hours on the phone with Cassie the previous day when she had rung her in floods of tears to inform her she had done the deed. She’d called off her wedding. Katy had sat and listened patiently as Cassie snivelled it out of her system, whilst constantly murmuring that she knew it was the right thing to do and thanking Katy profusely for all her help. They’d ended the call eventually with Katy promising to check in with her today; she knew Cassie was nervous as it was her first day back at work.

  ‘Hiya,’ said Cassie when she picked up the phone.

  ‘How are you doing?’ asked Katy.

  ‘Oh, not bad,’ said Cassie. ‘Fi’s not talking to me. Jules’s sister rang her last night and told her so at least I didn’t have to announce it as Fi’s already put something on Instagram. She says she’s taking Jules out for a drink tonight to help drown his sorrows.’

  ‘How kind of her,’ said Katy sarcastically. ‘Have you seen Ruth?’

  ‘Funny you should ask that,’ replied Cassie. ‘She came to find me. I thought she was going to be mad because she’d put all that effort into my hen party but she came and apologised.’

  ‘No way!’ said Katy.

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ said Cassie. ‘She said she could tell I wasn’t happy and she was sorry she didn’t say anything. She said she just got caught up in making sure it was a crazy hen party because that is what every bride-to-be wants.’

  ‘Wow, I can’t believe she said that,’ replied Katy.

  ‘She even said she wasn’t going to organise any more hen parties. She said she’s had enough. She wasn’t enjoying it any more.’

  ‘That is not what I was expecting you to say,’ said Katy.

  ‘And she said I’d done the right thing. She was proud of me and if I ever wanted to talk about it to give her a shout.’

  ‘Well, that’s brilliant,’ said Katy. ‘That must help make you feel a bit better.’

  ‘It does,’ agreed Cassie. ‘I thought everyone would think I was awful but, well, people do actually seem to understand.’

  ‘Because you’re not awful and
they know you would have done it for all the right reasons,’ said Katy.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Speaking of people who don’t think you’re awful, I forgot to tell you yesterday that Ollie made me promise to invite you to his birthday party that he’s decided to have because he missed out on his wedding. He also invited your fiancé but of course he wasn’t to know what was about to happen.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Cassie. ‘How lovely. But perhaps he won’t want me to come if he thinks I’m coming on my own?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid, of course he will. We’re all going. I can’t wait. He’s said no kids so it’s doubly exciting.’

  ‘So Abby and Daniel and everyone?’

  ‘Yes. You up for it? It’s in Winchester so we could come and pick you up if you want, on the way.’

  ‘Well, er…’ stuttered Cassie.

  ‘The best thing you can do when you find yourself single again is say yes to everything,’ said Katy. ‘So do you want to come?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Cassie. ‘I do.’

  ‘There you go,’ laughed Katy. ‘I guarantee you that will be the best “I do” you say all year.’

  As she put the phone down it struck her that spending time with Ollie and Cassie had been a real bonus of their holiday. It had made them all realise how lucky they were to have found the one and to have wonderful kids in their lives, even if it didn’t feel like that sometimes. The reality of the hen party had made Abby realise that too and the fact that it had forced her and Braindead to confront how unhappy she was had clearly had an impact. Braindead had already asked Ben if he would be interested in doing a babysitting swap on Friday nights. One Friday, Braindead would babysit Millie and Jack so Ben and Katy could go out, and the next Friday, Ben would look after Logan. Everyone seemed delighted with the idea, especially Abby, who had already planned where she and Braindead were going to go for the next six months.

  It had been a good holiday, Katy thought. Utter chaos, but good. But then that’s families for you.

 

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