She motioned to the newspaper. “The evenings can be long. Plus, I might have started keeping better tabs on the sports section since you showed up in my diner.”
I sipped my coffee and glanced out the window.
“Waiting on your girl?”
My girl. My chest ached.
“Yeah.”
“You’re not saying something.”
I let out a breath. “She’s not speaking to me.”
“What happened? Last time I saw you, you couldn’t stop smiling because you two had finally worked things out.”
“I screwed up.”
“Fixable?”
I shrugged. “It has to be.”
A family of five walked through the door and Flo stood. “Good luck.”
I waited as long as I could, but Adele didn’t come home, and I had to get to the stadium.
Same thing after the game. I checked to see if she’d picked up her ticket – she hadn’t – and then headed back to her place. I had two hours before the team plane left and next to no idea where to find her outside of her apartment and work. I went by her work first, couldn’t get into the building and resigned that if she was hiding in there, I’d never get to her. At her apartment, I knocked and then waited. Nothing.
“Adele. Open up.” I rested my head against the door. “Please.”
The door across the hall opened and an older woman in a silk robe stepped out. “She doesn’t live here anymore.”
“What?” I stared back at the door to Adele’s apartment. “She moved out?”
The lady nodded. “Paid through the end of her lease and said she’d found something else.”
“When?”
“First thing Monday morning.”
My stomach clenched with dread and the knowledge New York was a giant city and I had absolutely no leads on where to find her.
“Did she leave a forwarding address or anything?”
“Not with me. Sorry.” She nodded toward the flowers. “You mind if I take one of those? Could really liven up my apartment.”
“No, they’re all yours.” My rough voice was a whisper as I walked away.
Finn
April 19, 3:01 a.m.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Last Hope
This feels like my last hope. A shot in the dark that you’ll read this and have some small idea of how sorry I am and how goddamn much I miss you.
I was an idiot. I failed you a hundred times over. You risked so much for me and then I failed to protect you when you needed me. You’re not just an addict. You’re smart and gorgeous and you’re so damn brave. I see you, sweetheart. All of you.
You were right; you and I live in two different worlds, but I’d move heaven and earth to be with you so figuring out how to combine our worlds shouldn’t be so hard. Give me a chance. I won’t let you down again.
Finn
April 19, 3:01 a.m.
From: MAIL DELIVERY SUBSYSTEM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Message Delivery Failure Subject: Last Hope
Address not found.
The following message could not be sent to [email protected] because the user couldn’t be found. Check for typos or unnecessary spaces and try again.
This feels like my last hope. A shot in the dark that you’ll read this and have some small idea of how sorry I am and how goddamn much I miss you.
I was an idiot. I failed you a hundred times over. You risked so much for me and then I failed to protect you when you needed me. You’re not just an addict. You’re smart and gorgeous and you’re so damn brave. I see you, sweetheart. All of you.
You were right; you and I live in two different worlds, but I’d move heaven and earth to be with you so figuring out how to combine our worlds shouldn’t be so hard. Give me a chance. I won’t let you down again.
Finn
Adele
I was somewhere in Nebraska looking for a sign. Not an actual sign, an omen. Some universal acknowledgment that I was doing the right thing. Quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and starting across the country without a plan was the rashest thing I’d done in a really long time and I’d officially reached my Holy Shit What Have I Done moment.
The fact that it’d taken eight days for it to sink in said something. The first week I’d mostly been numb. Saying goodbye to my life in New York was easier than I’d expected. I would always be grateful for the time there if only because it had cemented how much California meant to me. Maybe home was wherever you made it to some people, but for me home was a specific place and the people who lived there.
Once I’d loaded up my car, I’d headed south on a sixteen-hour detour to Orlando. If I was going to drive across the country, what was another day or two of driving? And, honestly, if the Hogwarts Express and butterbeer couldn’t cure my heartbreak, then nothing could.
They hadn’t, but they’d brought the first smile to my lips since saying goodbye to Finn. From there, I’d gone northwest staying overnight in a couple Midwestern towns and thinking of how Finn had wanted to see their charm.
And that’s where I was, looking at a bulletin board at a bed and breakfast just outside of Omaha, trying not to breakdown and call him. I’d blocked his number to give myself time to think, but the desire to hear his voice was so strong. I’d even deleted my email account, but then the thought of losing all the sweet words he’d ever written had me scrambling to reactivate before they were gone forever. I’d read each one every night before I fell asleep. They were proof of that wild, crazy love I thought wasn’t possible for me before I’d met him.
Finn loved big and reckless. I had no doubt that he would fight to be with me no matter the cost. From his relationship with Cindy to the way he’d been with me, Finn was loyal to a fault. When he gave himself to someone, he did it wholly and completely. He was blind to the red flags or maybe just so damn stubborn he thought he could charge through them.
Either way, I knew that his love for me was so big he’d keep loving me even if it wasn’t what was best for him. I couldn’t bear that.
I’d made the wrong choice once before and hated myself for it. So, though I was going back to California, I needed to know if being together was what was best for both of us before I faced him. I needed to be one hundred percent certain.
I needed a sign.
A van pulled up to the curb and a group piled out. Each one was dirtier than the last, clothes wrinkled and large backpacks in tow. When the smell of wood smoke drifted off them, I smiled.
“Just get done camping?” I asked the girl who came through the open door of the BnB first.
“Yes, five nights of sleeping on the ground and I need a real bed.”
A guy with red hair and a sunburnt face that nearly matched came up behind her and kissed her cheek. “Need I remind you that this was your idea?”
She scrunched up her nose. “Worst idea ever.” But as he headed past us to the check-in counter, I could see she didn’t mean it.
“I surprised him with a camping trip for his fortieth birthday. We’re only stopping here to rest up because tomorrow I booked a rock-climbing excursion that’s going to blow his mind.” She squealed quietly and then fell in with the rest of the group as they entered.
I chuckled to myself as I turned back to the bulletin board. Finn was everywhere. In every thought and every memory. I saw him in every other person I met, every place I visited. My entire world had shifted since I met him. Forgetting him would never be possible. Living without him would be like my time in New York – devoid of heart and purpose. There was no moving on from him – he was too much of who I was to simply extract the pieces he’d touched. He was all of me.
And maybe that was as good a sign as any.
Finn
“Great to see you again, Finn,” Dr. Swythe addressed me as everyone gathered their things.
The conference room in the back of the used book
store was small and smelled old and musty, but I kept coming anyway.
“Good to see you, too.”
We shook hands and stood a foot apart both shifting awkwardly. Well, I was shifting awkwardly. Dr. Swythe had a welcoming and comforting way about him.
The Nar-Anon group met every Tuesday and Thursday in this little room. The basic premise was much like AA following the same twelve steps but for spouses, family members, and others who loved someone that was dealing with addiction.
“Are you getting the support you need?” His brown eyes filled with warmth caused me to say more than I would have to anyone else.
“To be honest, I’m not sure I need the support anymore. Ade— the woman I came here for isn’t in my life right now.”
“You must want her to be if you’re here.”
I nodded. “I do.”
“She’s lucky to have the support even if she doesn’t realize it.” He placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezed lightly and walked away.
The meetings had opened my eyes to a lot of things I was completely dumb to before. I was grateful for it if only that it made me feel like I understood her better. Two weeks of zero contact and I refused to accept that I’d lost her for good. I didn’t know how I was going to win her back, but when I did, I wanted to be everything she needed.
I headed to the field early. We had a game tonight and I needed to stretch and activate. The calf was healed, but I’d likely be babying it to avoid re-injuring it for a while still.
“You’re early,” Foster said as I entered the locker room.
“You too.”
“Couldn’t nap today. My sister is in town and staying with me. She’s got her stuff just…” He paused to move his hands in front of him looking exasperated. “Everywhere. I can’t function in a house that isn’t clean. Even to sleep.”
I snorted and dressed into regular gym clothes since it was still a bit before the game.
“You want to play some tennis after we warm up?”
I nodded and after grabbing my shoes we headed into the workout room. Foster grumbled as I did twice the amount of stretching he was used to, but he waited all the while filling me in on the latest in his life. He and Lauren broke up and he’d started dating someone new. Foster had the best stories. Not stories you’d wished you lived but entertaining as hell to hear secondhand.
Like the one he told as we walked to the indoor turf where we had a makeshift net set up for our version of tennis. We used a soccer ball, of course, and instead of a racket, our feet. Maybe it should be called soccer with a tennis net, but that was a mouthful.
“She had me pick her up at her parents’ house. Which I of course didn’t realize until I showed up to this bomb mansion in Beverly Hills. I hadn’t been to her place before, so I didn’t even consider it wasn’t hers as I walked to the door.”
“Does she still live with them?”
“No.” His voice was borderline a screech. “She just wanted me to meet them.”
I grabbed a ball and kicked it over the net. “What’d you do?”
“What else? I went in and had drinks with Dr. and Mrs. Louise. Nice people. They invited me over for Sunday dinner.”
“You know they’re going to think things are serious if you keep going over there. Meeting the parents is a big deal.”
“That’s their problem. I’ve made it very clear to her that I’m not looking for anything long term.”
“Be careful. Next thing you know, you’re gonna be on family vacations.”
“Dr. L did mention they had a winter place in Vail.”
I shook my head. Some of the other guys started to trickle in and joined us. We played for thirty minutes or so before Chris, an intern, called out from the office. “Yo, McCash. You’ve got visitors out front.”
Excitement bloomed to the surface before I could stop it. I knew it wasn’t Adele, but damn if I didn’t let hope crush me time after time in the most inopportune of times. Like every time my phone rang, or a new email popped up.
I headed down to the front security gate and spotted Chance and CJ. Shit. We’d talked about him bringing CJ to this game, but I’d completely forgotten and even if I had remembered, I’m not sure I would have believed he’d still show up.
“Hey, guys. You made it.” I extended a hand to Chance and smiled at his son.
“It’s okay we still came?” Chance asked. “I started to call…”
“Totally fine. Glad to see you both actually.”
We checked in with security and I got them both badges to come back with me. CJ with his usual energy, ran slightly ahead.
“How have you been?”
“Good,” I answered automatically and then chuckled. “No, that’s a lie. I’ve been shit.”
He chuckled back softly. “Yeah, I figured. You look like shit.”
“How is she?” It didn’t escape me that I hadn’t even asked how he was yet, but I needed something of her. Anything.
“She’s good.”
My heart simultaneously lifted and broke. Of course, I wanted her to be happy, but it hurt to know she was able to move on while I was still only half breathing without her near.
The team was about to start warmups, so I got Chance and CJ to their seats behind the team bench and headed back to the locker room to get ready for the game.
During games I didn’t have time to think or even to miss Adele. She was still there in that missing piece of my heart even when I couldn’t actually mentally decide to miss her.
Afterward, I showered quick and headed out to see if Chance and CJ stayed. I was glad to see they had, and we hovered around the exit while the cleaning crew got to work.
“Thanks for that. Seats were great. So close that it kept CJ glued to the action for five minutes at a time.”
I wondered what Chance had done to occupy him for the rest of the time but didn’t ask.
“Any time. It was really great to have a couple familiar faces in the stands tonight.”
We walked toward the parking lot slowly. I wanted to press him for more information, but I didn’t. I was thankful to have Chance in my life regardless of where I stood with Adele. He was my childhood hero and a pretty great friend when I needed one too.
“Alright, little man, say thank you to Finn.”
CJ smiled up at me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I held out my hand and he gave me a low five.
Chance opened the rear car door and lifted CJ in. Once he was buckled, he shut the door and turned to me.
“She’s really okay?”
“Yeah, she’s good. Really good, I think. The last time she called she sounded… different. I can’t explain it. She was on the top of a mountain she’d just climbed like some sort of adventure badass. That’s the old Adele I remember – bold and daring.” Chance shook his head like he couldn’t believe it, but the thought of her climbing mountains made a real smile pull at my lips. At least she’d held on to something from our time together. “I’m sure she misses you, but she’s doing well.”
“Thanks for that. And I’m glad she’s doing well.”
We shook hands and Chance got in and started the car.
“Wait.” I motioned for him to roll the window down and he complied. “Could you just tell her I’m sorry. I should have made the effort to understand what she was going through sooner. I’m working through the steps and I just… it’s important to me that she knows I’m sorry for that.”
He studied me silently for a long moment. “I’ll tell her.”
I cleared my throat and tried to inject some peppiness into my voice. “Also, I wanted to invite you and the family to an event next weekend. It’s an obstacle course run for charity. There’s even a separate kid’s course CJ could dominate.”
He chuckled and nodded. “That sounds fun. Shoot me the details and we’ll swing by if we can. Need to talk to Aubrey and see what she’s got going on.”
“Great.”
I stepped back and watched
as they drove away and then I got in my own car and headed home alone.
The next week was more of the same. Train, practice, eat, sleep, game, and when I wasn’t teaching Marshmallow new tricks, I was working on the charity event. Since our media department insisted that I find a new charity or work with Cindy on my previous one, I’d obviously chosen the first.
The Chuck Project was a local group that helped bring awareness to substance use prevention and also aided in treatment navigation and family support services.
From the moment I met Chuck, the founder, I knew it was where I was meant to be. I was passionate about the cause, of course, but the events and the way he went about making a difference while still infusing life and happiness spoke to me. It didn’t need to be stiff cocktail hours and five thousand plate dinners to make a difference in people’s lives.
On Saturday, I showed up early to greet people and sign autographs or stand for pictures as they arrived. I didn’t love the idea of making any of it about me, but Chuck said it would be fun for people to have such an up-close encounter with a local athlete.
It ended up being far more casual than I expected. Some people just wanted to say hey, others wanted selfies, but with the music blasting in the background and kids running around, it all just felt like a good time. Chance hadn’t shown, but he’d told me he wasn’t sure he could, so I wasn’t exactly surprised.
The adult run was set to go first, and I donned an event t-shirt and stood at the start line ready to go when the whistle blew.
The course was two miles with fifteen obstacles including walls, mud, monkey bars, a rope climb, and more. When I crossed the line, it was with sweat and dirt covering me from my ear-to-ear grin to my shoes that were so wet and muddy they felt like bricks. I slogged toward the hose off area, accepting high fives with other muddy racers and congratulations from spectators.
It was gonna take several real showers to feel clean again, but I did my best to get the worst off and changed into my back up shirt and shoes.
Jilted Jock : A Hero Club Novel Page 20