Love Me

by Cristin Cooper

  In the past three months since Ryan died, I had spent every available moment not working, with Anna. But Mom took a shift this week removing my last excuse not to go home.

  Someone taking the seat next to mine pulled me out of my thoughts. Considering the late hour and the empty bar, I had a pretty good idea what the person wanted. I kept my eyes on my drink while I waited for him to make the first move.

  He leaned into me giving me a chance to breathe in his masculine scent. In a low deep voice, he said, “Hello, K.” I closed my eyes and allowed his voice to penetrate my senses. I lifted my eyes and turned to face Travis, who remained sexy as hell even in a wrinkled suit. He shouldn’t be allowed to look as good as he did when he had worked as many hours as I had. I avoided the bar mirror not wanting to see what my eighteen-hour workday did to my appearance. With a slight smirk, he asked, “Shouldn’t you be going home?”

  “Shouldn’t you?” I asked with a flirtatious smile. It had been years since I flirted with the intent of getting more, but I had every intention of doing it tonight. I didn’t want to be alone and needed a good orgasm…with a person. Craig had been my last hook-up, but I could do it again. In fact, I used to do it all the time in college. Tim promised it would be like riding a bike.

  “I’m staying here while I train the new guy,” he said while dangling his key card between us. “I was on my way up to my room when I noticed you come in here.”

  I took a sip of my wine and for a split second debated whether or not my first post-Craig hook-up should be with someone I worked with. The second he ran a hand along my spine then back up to massage the tight muscles on my shoulders, I had made up my mind.

  “Mmm,” I moaned. “That feels good,” I whimpered as his strong fingers pressed into my skin and short-circuited my brain.

  Travis leaned into me and whispered, “I know what else I could do to make you feel good,” then kissed my neck. I sucked in a breath. There would be no debate. I needed him.

  I slid off my stool and met his gaze then looked down at the card he held in his hand and gave him a pointed look. He left cash on the bar then placed a hand on my lower back as he guided me out of the bar and toward the elevators. I paused half way and forced us to stop. “Meet me in my office in five minutes.” I didn’t have to explain the change of plans when he looked over at the check-in desk and noticed eyes watching us. He gave me a slight nod and removed his hand from my waist.

  Ten minutes later, with my skirt shoved up to my waist, my panties pushed aside, I straddled Travis on the couch in my office. Too impatient to unlatch my bra, he pulled the bra cups down making the underwire stab my chest. He moaned when he latched onto a nipple and pumped into me like his life depended on it.

  Normally, a warm mouth on my breast turned me on, but it didn’t do anything for me tonight. I mean the man had mad sucking skills, but I felt zip, zilch, nada. I sighed with frustration. It had been months since I had sex with Craig and longer than that since I had satisfying sex with Craig. I should be screaming out an orgasm by now, but I wasn’t feeling it. Well…I felt it, but it didn’t do anything for me.

  Travis took my sigh as a sexy sigh and groaned, “I know, K. So good.”

  At least someone enjoyed it. He didn’t seem to notice I no longer participated. Not sure if it even mattered to him.

  What was I thinking? I’m not that girl anymore. I might’ve been able to have one-night stands in college, but I need more than a quick screw.

  Travis pumped into me two more times then lifted me off of him just as he came on my thighs.

  Oh My God! We didn’t use a condom? How did I let that get past me? After my very first time having sex, I made sure to carry protection. Safety first became my motto especially considering how much sex I had in college.

  I had just gotten the all clear from my doctor after being tested for STD’s, and now I’d have to get retested. I hadn’t been this stupid in my twenties, and I did a lot of stupid things back then.

  Travis leaned his head back against the couch, breathing heavy. His lids were at half-mast while his lips turned into a content smile. Just as I started to lift myself off of him, he slid a hand between my thighs as the other pulled me closer until I felt his breath on my face. “What about you?” he mouthed against my neck as his lips kissed a trail from my jaw down to my shoulder and his fingers touched the very spot that had needed attention.

  “Uh. I’m good.” I wasn’t. I was so far from good, I wouldn’t have been able to see good with a telescope. I lifted myself off his lap, gave him a forced smile then turned away to find a towel to clean up. Even though I had been horny and achy minutes ago, the feelings dissolved into regret and shame. I felt an intense need to escape…and to drink.

  “Oh.” He cleared his throat. “Well. I guess I better go.” I didn’t respond and avoided looking at him. Aware of every sound in the room, I listened for him to zip his pants and sensed him standing behind me, but I didn’t turn around. The silence became awkward as I wiped his cum off my thighs and threw my workout towel in the garbage. I didn’t want a reminder of tonight.

  As I pulled down my skirt, he whispered my name. He ran his hand up and down my back. “K, I…” I stepped away from his touch and turned to face him. “I’m sorry if…”

  “We’re good, Travis. I’ll see you in a couple of days.” His hand hung in the air for a moment then he shoved both hands in his pockets.

  He walked toward the door and began to open it. “I’ll see you later?” I gave him a forced smile and watched him walk out of my office.

  Once alone, I fell back on the couch half mortified I had sex with a coworker and half pissed with myself for thinking it would have been a good idea.

  I stared at the closed door then down at myself. My breasts hung out of my bra, my rumpled shirt lay crumpled on the floor, and my thighs were sticky. I readjusted my bra and leaned back, closing my eyes. I couldn’t remember why I liked having one-night stands. Maybe I didn’t and thought I did. This had been an awkward way to find out I preferred sex in a committed relationship. How would I ever be able to face Travis again?

  I picked up my cell and speed dialed Tim. He answered on the third ring with a sleepy voice. “It’s 1:30, Kimmie. What did you do? Do I need to pick you up?” I sighed into the phone. “Honey, I was just joking. What’s wrong?”

  “You remember when we were in college?”

  “No sentence should ever start with that question,” he said in all seriousness.

  “And I would sleep with a guy I didn’t like?”

  He sighed. “I see where this is going.”

  “And I would regret it and would come over because I needed a shoulder to cry on?”

  “Yeah,” he said hesitantly.

  “I need a shoulder.”

  “Please don’t say it was that hot jackass you work with,” he begged.

  “Okay. I won’t say it.” Tim and I had talked about Travis…multiple times and knew his type. We had our hearts broken by his kind. Tim warned me not to go after a guy who would chase after a married woman.

  “Oh, honey. Come over.” He said exactly what I needed to hear. No matter how many times I messed up, he never failed to be there for me.

  I sighed. “Thanks, Tim. I’ll be there in fifteen.”

  “Drive safely, honey.”

  I made it to Tim’s in record time, letting myself into his condo and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. I let the water wash away my latest mistake. Once the water turned cold, I dried off, changed into extra clothes I had left in Tim’s spare bedroom then slipped into Tim’s bedroom. I had never been so glad he had been between boyfriends.

  He lifted the covers and pulled me into his chest and ran his fingers through my wet hair. Neither of us needed to speak. This wasn’t our first time comforting each other after a bad experience. I hoped one of us would finally get it and break the cycle. I needed hope as much as I needed a good man.

  The next morning, the sun peeking throu
gh the drapes woke me. Before I got out of bed, I made an appointment with my doctor to get checked out…again. Next, I called Ryan’s parents, Amber and Pete, to see if I could stay with them for the weekend. The ocean, along with the comfort I felt in their home, centered me like nothing else.

  When I entered the kitchen, Tim pulled plates out of the cabinet. “Hey, honey. Ready to talk about it?” he asked as he slid an omelet onto each plate. I needed a Tim living in my home so I could wake up to this every day.

  “I don’t know if there’s anything to say. Same stuff, different day.”

  “Kimmie, you deserve more than a quick screw by a guy who will never appreciate how amazing you are.”

  “You seem to be the only man who thinks so...at least one that is still living…”

  “You know what we should do?” The intense look on his face made me worried.

  I hesitated before asking, “What?”

  “I think you and I should go on a man diet.” I lifted a brow waiting for him to finish the joke. He dated more than anyone I knew. “Here me out. We’re both horrible at relationships, and we could use a good cleansing. But instead of starving ourselves and creating bowel issues, we don’t date for a year and concentrate on figuring out what we want.” I dead stared him wondering if he was for real. I was pretty sure I could do it without trying, but Tim… I should agree just to punish him for coming up with this ridiculous idea.

  “Fine. I’ll do it.” I spat on my hand and held it out waiting for him to shake on it.

  He scrunched his nose. “That is disgusting,” but copied me, and we shook over our omelets. “This will be good for us,” he said sounding less sure than he had a few minutes ago.

  While I cleaned up breakfast, he leaned against the counter correcting me on the proper way to load the dishwasher while asking, “What are your plans for this weekend?”

  “I’m heading to the coast to stay with Pete and Amber.”

  “Jealous. Tell them ‘hi’ for me.”

  “Why don’t you come with me? They ask about you every time I see them,” I encouraged. Pete and Amber had always taken in every stray kid even if they were grown up children.

  “I would love nothing more, but I need to finish some designs for a new buyer.”

  “Next time,” I said rinsing off the last dish.

  “Absolutely.” He smiled and leaned over the open dishwasher giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  9

  As I pulled into Pete and Amber’s driveway, the stress of life disappeared. Their home had always been a refuge where I could just be…me. No judgments no matter how many mistakes I made, or embarrassing things I did. Where my mother complained about me being too much, with them, I felt loved and accepted for being me.

  I needed this.

  Excited to see them, I took the porch steps two at a time and walked in without knocking like I had since I was a little kid.

  “Amber? Pete?” I called out.

  Amber popped her head out of the kitchen and smiled. “Hey, sweetie. Come on in. I’m just in the middle of putting dinner in the crockpot.

  “Pete working?” I asked as I dropped my purse on the counter and reached for the cookie jar.

  I swore I heard a sigh right before she said, “He’s meeting with his partner. He’s finalizing the sale of the business.”

  I choked on my cookie and stared at her, but she faced away from me cutting up vegetables. “I had no idea he wanted to retire. Why didn’t he say anything?”

  Amber set the knife on the counter and turned to face me. “He wasn’t planning on it until…” Ryan. She didn’t have to say it. “He only worked a few days a week anyway, but he wants to be available for Anna. Just in case.” She shrugged her shoulders and turned back to finish prepping. “He says it’s so he can spend more time with me, but I’m on to him,” she said, her voice filled with humor.

  I sat at the table dunking cookies into my milk thinking about all the times I came over after school to do just this. I loved being in Amber’s kitchen and listening to the sounds of her cooking. It felt like home.

  Looking over her shoulder, she smiled. “It’s a beautiful day; you want to take a walk on the beach after I finish up here?”

  “I’d love to. I’ll meet you outside.” After placing my empty cup in the dishwasher, I gave her a hug from a behind before stepping outside through the open sliding glass door leading to the back porch.

  Staring into the backyard, smelling the crisp, salty air and feeling the slight breeze coming off the ocean, triggered one of my favorite memories.

  I smooched my face against the front window that looked out onto the driveway as I waited impatiently for Anna and Ryan to get home from Kindergarten. Amber left to pick them up a few minutes ago, and I could hardly wait for their return. Ryan and Anna starting school this year had ruined my life.

  They left me alone with mom three days a week. All.Day.Long. Mom said they were only gone six hours, but that must be how long a day is. I still had to wait another year before I could go to school with them.

  “Kimmie, get away from the window. They won’t be home for another fifteen minutes,” Mom said from the living room doorway.

  I flopped onto the floor and groaned because I knew it annoyed her. She mumbled to herself as she walked back into the kitchen leaving me alone so I could go back to my spot by the window.

  Today was the day. Ryan promised I could play with him and Anna. All week after school Ryan and Anna went to his house to work on a secret project that they wouldn’t let me see. I hated that they left me out as if I were little because I wasn’t. Anna and I were the same size.

  Finally after a billion years, Amber pulled into their driveway next to ours, and Ryan hopped out then Anna. He went into his house while Anna took her time walking to ours.

  I bounced on my toes waiting for her to come in. The second the door opened, I stood at her side asking, “Are you going to show me now?”

  Anna’s brows turned in, and she brought her finger up to her mouth and shushed me. Rude. Her eyes looked around the room as she leaned into me. “It’s a secret, remember?”

  I had almost forgotten. Covering my mouth, I followed her to her bedroom where she dropped off her backpack then back to the kitchen where mom had left her a snack. She stuffed apple slices into her pocket then told me to follow her.

  “We’re going to Ryan’s,” Anna shouted to Mom.

  “Kimmie with you?” Mom asked.

  “Yep.” I could hear my mother sigh in relief.

  “Be safe,” she yelled back just as we shut the front door.

  Ryan stood in his driveway, waiting for us. When we reached him, he took my hand and walked us to his backyard. I couldn’t wait to see what they had been working on. My body felt wiggly with every step.

  Ryan let go of my hand when we reached the corner of his yard that the shrubs guarded. He turned around and said, “You can’t tell anyone about this, okay?”

  My heart raced with excitement. “I won’t say a word. I swear!”

  Ryan looked at Anna. “You go first.” She disappeared between two bushes. Ryan moved branches out of my way and told me to follow Anna. Once I got past the first shrub, I saw it. The big surprise and it was better than I had dreamed. A fort! The coolest, most awesome fort I had ever seen. Made from old boards, the fort leaned a bit, but the backyard fence held it up. I had to crouch down to get through the opening.

  Kneeling on my hands and knees, I crawled into the dark space. The ground switched from a hard sandy soil to something soft. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I realized they had lain down our old camping blankets.

  Ryan crawled in after me holding a flashlight. When he flipped it on I could see a little better. The fort might have been small and cramped especially with three of us, but it was still the coolest place I had ever been.

  Sitting between Ryan and Anna, I felt lucky to be invited to see the fort and knew what it meant. We were now friends. Instead of it being ju
st Anna and Ryan we were now Anna, Ryan, and Kimmie. I smiled at the thought.

  Ryan pulled a paper off the wall and faced me. “Kimmie, you can be in our club, but you have to follow the rules.”

  “Okay.” I would’ve done anything they asked.

  “Rule number one, no crying.” I nodded, that wouldn’t be hard. I rolled my eyes.

  “Rule number two, you can’t tell anyone about our secret place.” I nodded again. I didn’t have anyone to tell, and I liked the idea of having a secret hiding place from Mom.

  “Rule number three, whatever we say in here doesn’t leave here. If we tell you a secret you can’t tell anyone else.”

  “I won’t say anything, I promise.”

  “Okay, one more thing. If you can go inside my house and grab three cookies out of the cookie jar without getting caught, you’ll be a member of our club. Wait.” He held up a hand. “If you can grab six cookies then you can.”

  I looked at Anna, who smiled and nodded in agreement.

  My eyes grew big. “I can’t just ask? Amber would give us cookies if I asked.”

  “This is a secret club, Kimmie. I don’t want my mom asking questions.”

  “Okay. Okay. I’ll be right back.” I crawled out and stood to take a moment for my eyes to adjust to the sunlight then ran up to the sliding glass door leading into the kitchen. Pressing my face against the window to see if I could see Ryan’s mom, I didn’t see anyone. All clear. I slid the door open and ran to the cookie jar. Going on my tippy-toes, I still couldn’t reach the jar. My arms weren’t long enough.

  Before I could turn and slide a chair over, a hand reached over me and opened the lid of the cookie jar. I looked up to a smiling Pete. He winked and asked, “How many do you need?” I smiled back and said, “Six.”

  He pulled out six cookies then looked down at me with a funny smile and took out three more before handing me the pile of goods. “You won’t tell Ryan you caught me?” I asked nervously. I didn’t want to be kicked out of the club so soon.