“Yes,” I moaned as his lips met mine.
Gone. The only word to describe me.
What promise?
I wanted to kiss the promise right out of my head because being in his arms, kissing him, would never be enough.
Right when his hands gripped my hips and he pulled me closer, I spit out the words that would’ve ended a perfectly good evening. “I can’t have sex with you.” As he lifted his head and laughed, more words tumbled out of my mouth. “But I really want to.”
“Kimberly.” He laughed one more time before giving me a deep kiss that didn’t last nearly long enough. “I’m okay just kissing you, but is there a reason?” He dropped his hands as he stumbled over his words. “I don’t mean you need a reason not to have sex with me. I’m just curious if there is another reason. Like someone else?”
I shook my head and took his hands and planted them back on my hips where they belonged. “Of course not. I wouldn’t do that. But there is a reason. A very stupid reason involving a promise I won’t break.”
“Okay,” he said stringing out the o. “You made a promise not to have sex with me?”
“Yes, I mean no.” I tripped over my words until I stopped and took a deep breath. “Not you specifically and it doesn’t have anything to do with sex.” I groaned. “Oh… Just kiss me.”
I felt his body shake with laughter, but in a matter of seconds, neither of us were laughing. I circled my arms around his neck, wishing to get closer and not remembering the last time I just kissed a guy.
Kissing led to taking off clothes, which led to so much more and I hadn’t done any of that in a very––very long time. And I wanted to. I cursed Tim for making me promise. Even with only a week left, I couldn’t. He had struggled more than I had and even had the date marked on his calendar in red ink. We made plans to break our fast.
“God, Kimberly, the way you kiss... I could get addicted to you.” My knees went weak. ‘One week’ I chanted in my head over and over as Kevin kissed me in a way that left me achy and desperate for him. He said he could get addicted, but it was too late for me.
His kisses were demanding yet gentle. I felt treasured as he caressed my body over my clothes and whispered you’re beautiful over and over.
On the verge of turning into a blubbering mess, he pulled back just enough and leaned his forehead against mine and drew in deep breaths. “Let’s talk.”
“Talk?” The word didn’t make sense, and it took me three good deep breaths before I realized what he said. Talk? In the past, when guys brought me home, we didn’t talk, not much anyway.
“Yes.” The word came out strangled and shaky. His smile widened. “You know, you tell me something about you, and I tell you something about me. We go back and forth getting to know each other.” He must have noticed my disappointment and said, “I’m happy to keep kissing you, but being this close to you and not touching you is making me lose my mind. I need to cool off.”
I didn’t know what to do with myself. Did I already ruin this? He looked to be in physical pain.
Before I talked myself into leaving, he kissed me again.
Staying. Definitely staying.
I stood near the doorway, following him with my eyes as he turned off the overhead light and turned on a lamp next to the couch and his iPod. When he took my hand and pulled me to the sofa, I followed then tumbled on top of him when he laid down. Laying half on and half off of him, I snuggled against him, and we talked. Like really talked. It was so natural and unexpected. We also kissed between the talking.
He told me about being a social worker, which led to him wanting to become a child psychologist. He groaned when he talked about schooling and the years it took to get his degree, but I saw in the way he talked about his job that it had been worth it to him.
I told him I studied business management and worked at a different hotel as an assistant. It was there where I realized my talents leaned toward event planning.
He talked about growing up in San Diego but needing a change after his breakup with his long-time girlfriend. It just so happened that his friend Jim had contacted him about a position in Portland.
Out of curiosity, I asked why they broke up after ten years together. When he said, “Because she didn’t want to get married or have kids,” I became speechless.
I wanted to pinch myself to see if this was real. A guy I liked wanted marriage and family. I never experienced this, and I tried not to get excited or start planning our wedding. Which, by the way, will be held at the beach at Pete and Amber’s at night with candles lit all around with just our families in attendance. He’ll wear slacks and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up so I can see his arms. I’ll wear a simple white dress. I’ll only see him, and he will only see me as I walk down the aisle. He’ll take me in his arms and kiss me passionately.
Sigh.
I told him about Craig. From how we met to how it ended. Something I had never done with anyone else. But the way he looked me in the eyes as I shared my pain, I knew he didn’t just hear the words I said but felt the pain behind them.
I expected it to be awkward to share something so intimate with someone I just met, especially someone I wanted to see again, but it wasn’t. In fact, it made me want to tell him everything. Every good and bad experience. I wanted him to know me. The me that nobody ever saw.
Lying in his arms, I fell harder and knew I wouldn’t be able to fight this even if I wanted to. I had never experienced anything so terrifying or exhilarating in my life.
I could get my heart broken, but I no longer cared.
“Oomph.” I almost gave myself a heart attack falling off the couch. Laying sprawled on the floor, I tried to remember where I was. I pried my eyes open and sat up on bent elbows to get a look around the room. It had been years since I had woken up in a strange room. Then it hit me all at once.
Kevin.
I looked over to see him fast asleep on the couch, looking uncomfortable with his legs hanging off the end and his head on the hard surface of the armrest. His neck would hurt when he woke up.
Then I remembered I had been sleeping on him, which explained why my body felt like I had been sleeping on a furnace. I can’t remember the last time I snuggled against a guy. Lord, have mercy. I spent the night wrapped in those sexy arms and fit against his long, lean body like he was made just for me.
Cuddling and sleeping against him had been wonderful and wrong. So wrong. Right? I shouldn’t want him––this, but he wasn’t like any guy I had ever dated, and I couldn’t get enough of him.
He released a soft snore startling me then turned his body to face the back of the couch. The last thing I remember from last night was leaning against him while we talked and listened to music.
Last night rose to the top of the list of my favorite moments. I liked him. Like really liked him. Like, I want to marry him, have a mortgage with him, have his babies, buy a minivan, grow old with him and be buried next to him.
I had never felt that before. I always wanted marriage, family and everything it entailed and because I loved Craig, I put those things together. But I never had an overwhelming need to have it all with one particular person until Kevin. And I barely knew him.
In the back of my head, I heard my mother’s voice telling me I needed to be smart and not let my hormones speak for me. “Shove it, Mom,” I said under my breath. Just the idea of what she would say would ruin last night for me.
Would she believe me if I told her that he had all the qualities I always desired in a man but thought I never deserved? Kindness aside, he had a fun sense of humor, loved kids and wanted them, made friends wherever he went, and I loved looking at him. Don’t even get me started on his hair. Oh, God, his hair… Staring at him, I wanted to run my fingers through his thick brown hair that grayed on the sides, which of course is frosting on the sexy cake that was Kevin. I clenched my fists and pulled back.
“I need to get out of here,” I mumbled. My pulse quickened as I began to
freak out. If he had any idea the kind of horrible decisions I made in my life, he would’ve run. Instead, I ran. I knew he liked me, but for how long? Craig and every other guy I had dated told me I was ‘too much.’ Too much work, too much personality, too needy, too demanding. Being rejected by Craig hurt, but I had a feeling it would be ten times worse coming from someone like Kevin.
I tiptoed through his apartment picking up my shoes, purse and coat, hoping I had everything because I wouldn’t be able to come back and not want to jump him…or ask him to marry me.
I quietly slipped out the front door and had managed to close it with hardly any sound when I heard a snort and laugh behind me. I cringed when I jumped and dropped my shoes. I said a little prayer that he hadn’t heard me make a commotion outside his door. Turning around, I ran into the twins I had met at the bar, Roman and Mackenzie.
“Well, this is a first,” Roman announced. “I’ve never seen a girl make the walk of shame out of his apartment before, have you?” she asked Mackenzie with a smirk on her face.
Mackenzie pinched her lips to keep from laughing and shook her head. “I think I would remember. I didn’t know he had it in him to do one-night stands. He always seemed like the commitment kind,” Mackenzie stated.
I couldn’t help feel a little relieved to know he didn’t normally bring girls home with him, and then I regretted not leaving a note. I might not want to see him again in an I want to see him so bad, I can barely stand it, but he’s too good for me kind of way, but he deserved better than to have me sneak out. But I locked the door behind me, and I didn’t have pen or paper in my purse. That was the sort of thing Anna carried, not me.
“We’re not judging,” Mackenzie consoled. “You should have seen Roman last week. She left her shoes at some random girl’s house and can’t remember her name or where she lived.” Her brows raised and looked over at Roman, who laughed about it.
“It’s true.”
I followed the girls out of the building and said a hasty goodbye while I walked back to the hotel where I left my car. On my way there, I stopped to get coffee. Jason, the owner of The Coffee Pot, snickered when he glanced at me. “Looks like someone had fun last night.”
“Shush you,” I said taking my drink and hurrying out of the shop. I called Tim on my way to his house.
“You sound different,” he remarked.
Did I? “No, I don’t. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“I’m dead serious. You sound different. Did you…”
“See you soon.” I hung up before he could finish his question. He would have plenty of time to interrogate me when I got to his house.
“Kimmie?” Tim opened the door and glared at me then pointed at me with his eyes squinted. “You got laid.” He pulled me inside, made me face the calendar on his wall and pointed to the date circled. “One freaking week, Kimmie. You only had to wait one more week,” he snapped.
I let him rant and rave until he got it all out then I spilled my guts about my evening.
“So you didn’t have sex?”
“No.” I shook my head, watching him pace the kitchen.
He stopped and faced me. “I’m sorry. I think I heard you wrong. I could’ve sworn you just said you just kissed and slept with your clothes on.”
“We did. Not even a hand under my clothes.” I stood and looked him in the eyes. “We talked until we fell asleep.”
“No dry humping? Boob touching over clothes?” he asked.
I shook my head no.
“You like him.”
I held his stare. “I do. A lot.”
“And this is the guy we met a few months ago at the karaoke bar?”
“Yes.”
“He’s hot.”
“I know.” My voice softened as I thought of the way he looked at me right before he kissed me.
“Oh man.” He dropped to a kitchen chair looking like I had kicked his dog.
“I know I shouldn’t have gone, but…”
“It’s not that, Kimmie.” He took my hand and pulled me down to the chair next to his. “I wanted to talk to you about something I had been thinking about for a few months. It might be a bad idea or the result of being celibate for a year but…” He gripped my hand tighter. “I want us to have a baby. You and I.” He pointed back and forth between us.
My jaw dropped as I listened to him go on and on about how great it could be. “For a long time, I held out hope that we would each meet someone who wanted to have a family with us. But then the cynical side of my brain told me that nobody will ever love me, so why not have kids with someone who loves me, but I would never have sex with even if you paid me.”
I cringed at the thought of having sex with him. Ick. And not just because he was gay, but because I knew him too well.
“Wow. I don’t know what to say. Last year, I would have said yes, but now… I’ll have to think about it and not just because of Kevin. As much as I fantasize about having his children, it’s new, and I still have plenty of time to ruin it.”
“I hope you don’t. One of us has to figure out this love thing.”
I knew what he meant. For some reason knowing it was possible for people like us, the kind of people who went from one bad relationship to another, to have a healthy relationship meant anything was possible.
“Don’t decide anything right now.” He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “I love you, Kimmie.”
“I love you, too.”
“You heading home?”
“Yeah. I still need to call my mom to check in and call Anna to see how she’s doing,” I grumbled.
“How is Anna?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Fine.” I finger quoted since that was her usual response.
“Well, maybe she is.” He tried to reassure, but I knew better. Anna hadn’t dealt with Ryan’s death, and when she did, it was going to get ugly.
“I better get going. You coming to Pete and Amber’s Fourth of July party?” I asked.
“Of course! Be sure to invite hot gay guys.”
I snorted my response.
16
“You’re still coming, right?” Tim had to have heard the desperation and panic in my voice. I wouldn’t be able to get through tonight without him and alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.
“Tell me again why we’re going to your neighborhood Fourth of July party instead of Pete and Ambers? I looked forward to spending time on the beach plus it’s been ages since I’ve seen them.”
“Because I have to be at work early tomorrow morning. So, are you coming or not?” My voice rose, and my stomach clenched just thinking about who would be there and with whom.
“Why are you freaking out? It’s a party. You plan parties. You like parties.”
“Weren’t you listening to me when I called last night?”
He didn’t respond right away, so I checked my phone to make sure we were still connected.
“Umm. I think you might have mentioned that guy you liked.”
“TIM! I swear…!” I clenched my jaw and breathed through my nose trying to calm my rage. “How many times do I have to remind you that it’s your job to listen to me? Ryan would have.” What I wouldn’t give to talk to him right now. “Don’t go there, Kimmie,” I muttered under my breath. This was not the time to think about how much I missed Ryan.
“I’m sorry, I had drinks with that guy I met on our first night out.” As much as I wanted to hear about the new guy, I had more important things to deal with like the fact Kevin would be at the party…with another woman.
Deep breaths.
After sending him an apology text a few minutes after I snuck out of his apartment last week, I stewed in my panic waiting for a reply. I promised myself not to ruin this, and when he sent a sweet response about hoping to see me again, I felt relieved.
After an incredible night with him, my trigger response was to sabotage the relationship before I got hurt, but I wouldn’t do that this time. That night, in his arms, chang
ed me. I showed him my insecurities and things I had kept hidden. He broke through my façade and still looked at me like he couldn’t get enough of me.
And then last night happened.
“Refresh my memory. What happened?” Tim asked.
My shoulder sagged as I pictured the beautiful blonde leaning into Kevin with a wide smile as she stared up at him as if she knew how he kissed. It was supposed to be me doing that. I should’ve known he wouldn’t want any of my crazy.
“I went to Jim’s last night to drop off soda and beer for the party, and I interrupted his dinner party.”
“And Kevin was there with the blonde bimbo,” he stated.
“But she’s not a bimbo. She’s gorgeous and put together. She looked perfect next to him,” I whined.
“And this is his ex?”
“Yes. Grace,” I sniffed.
Kevin and I were over before we even began. The moment Grace hooked her arm in his and acted like they were a couple when I walked into Jim’s house, my fantasy world crumbled. My future life I had imagined with Kevin dissipated into thin air.
Poof.
All gone.
And I was alone once again.
I went home, drank lots of wine and got caught up on Supernatural. At least I would always have the Winchester boys.
“I thought you guys had been texting.”
“We have, but we couldn’t get together this week because he said a friend had come into town unexpectedly, but we made plans to have dinner on Sunday.”
“And he didn’t say the friend was a girl?”
I shook my head and murmured, “Nope.”
“Aww, Kimmie, maybe she is just a friend. He didn’t say anything last night?”
“You really didn’t hear a word I said last night did you?”
“I’m sorry. The guy was really hot to the point of distraction.”
“Ugh. You really suck at being Ryan,” I grumbled.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed for good measure. “No. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. He made an attempt, but I wanted to escape as fast as I could before I started doing something horrifying like cry in front of him. I mean I had named our imaginary kids.”
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